Rapid Review: The Final Destination (2009)

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The_final_destination_poster

“Something’s gonna happen, we are all gonna die! All right? ‘Cause there’s gonna be a crash!”
– Nick

SYNOPSIS: After a young man’s premonition of a deadly race-car crash helps saves the lives of his peers, Death sets out to collect those who evaded their end. – via IMDB

the final destination

GRADE 2Holy. Shit. This movie. The acting. The graphics and effects! Next level, I tell you. Gosh, I think it is relatively on par with The Wrath of Paul Bunyan. Impressive as hell. These movies have a relatively simple recipe, they do. A big tragic accident gets witnessed/seen in a premonition, someone freaks out and saves some people, then people start dying in the order they are supposed to, the original freakee realises this and tries to save everyone. Unsuccessfully. Without fail. So while the movies are a rinse and repeat of one another, they are cheesy fun. Until this one, that is. This one is just so damn meh, I didn’t actually even watch it too closely, to be honest. It was also worsened by the fact that the graphics and effects were given front and centre stage, and they were nothing short of cringe worthy. Take a look at the poster. See how heavily they are marketing the 3D angle? Yes, so you can just imagine what it is that we got… the above gif is an example of some of the finer points of the sketchy effects. Ugh. I hated this movie. The acting was beyond godawful, the dialogue was next level dodgy, the characters were all immensely unlikable, the deaths weren’t even that creative, and this movie tried way too hard all the time, and it failed. Terribly. I really don’t know what else to say about this movie. It was bland, unimaginative, boring, terribly executed and stupid to boot. There was not saving it, not even normal bad horror logic, and it was unforgivable. Seriously, these movies could have just remained a trilogy, or could really just have been a single movie without a million sequels. But no, money was afoot, and the studios threw money into something that evidently failed. Horribly. Especially in the form of The Final Destination. This was just unacceptable. Over the past few weeks, it would seem that most of you wonderful readers are in agreement that this movie is the worst of the lot. Definitely followed by the fifth one. I think. Should we take a poll here to ascertain this? I think we should. Let me know what your favourite movie is in this franchise, I will post the results next week with the final one!

JB & The Chop Do: Amityville Dollhouse: Evil Never Dies (1996)

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amityville banner

“Evil never dies”, eh???? Seems like neither will this fucking franchise. I know that I’ve had fun with these even though JB hates me for picking them. Terrible, terrible shit some of these are but, for the most part, these have been fun – at least fun to put together. Hopefully our relationship can mend once this is all over. (At least I didn’t suggest the Hellraiser movies, JB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Amityville Dollhouse poster

SYNOPSIS: A dollhouse that is a replica of the infamous Amityville haunted house is given to a little girl. Soon after, all sorts of horrible unexplained accidents start to happen. The family must work together to fight off the terrifying evil that has inhabited their lives. – via IMDB

AMITYVILLECHOP1

Well, I’ve done everything I possibly could to try and watch this movie but nothing ever seemed to work. I tried Netflix and Amazon, I tried HBO and Hulu, I tried YouTube and even a pirate site but nothing worked. I guess the gods of the Hell of the Burning Corpses didn’t want me to look at this one so I’ll have to do something different. Let’s check out the trailer:

My first impression from that is that it looks really fucking lame with some terrible acting, terrible hairdos and some sketchy “You’re all gonna die” voice over from some old woman. There’s also some gimmicky drawers flying out of cabinets, looks like some shirtless action and, of course, some more fucking flies and hand wounds. Let’s see what an IMDB reviewer has to say:

I hope this is the end to amityville
1/10
Author: fuzzyfeller from USA
16 February 2004
mindless hollywood please stop. amityville has been so burned out its disgusting. and to think a hoax started it all more than 20 yrs prior.

a mirror ,a dollhouse ,,whats next the amityville hair dryer ,a mysterious hair dryer holds the key to the demon ,,a young woman is possessed everytime she dries her hair and the demon doesnt like split ends … this movie is total trash as is the whole amityville fiasco.

It appears Fuzzy Feller wasn’t a fan of the movie or proper punctuation but he sure likes commas!! Let’s give this review a 2 whatever the fuck this is:

amityville dafuq

Let’s see what else we have….

It doesn’t even deserve one star
1/10
Author: hannah-158 from New Zealand
26 January 2006
This is the most ridiculous movie I have ever seen. Nothing was explained in the end, leaving it open (and Definitely not in the way that makes you hope for a sequel but the way that makes you think “what the hell just happened”) and none of the movie even made sense. Why was the doll house demonic? How did the zombies fit in? Why did the mother fall in love with her stepson? I wasted two hours of my life on this pile of crap. NEVER WATCH THIS MOVIE. And I’m not saying this to make you want to watch it just to see how crap it is. I’m seriously saying GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN AND RUN TO ALL YOUR VIDEO/DVD OUTLETS AND BURN EVERY SINGLE COPY OF THIS MOVIE IN Existence. Whoever made it should BE SHOT.

It doesn’t appear hannah-158 was a big fan either… I wonder if she went to every single store in New Zealand and set everything on fire?? Interestingly enough, it seems that there’s a store called “JB Hi-Fi” that sells DVDs down there…. #irony

JB HIFI

Moving along….

see Laurie Foreman topless
2/10
Author: movieman_kev from United States
22 May 2005
this idiotic piece of…film written by Joshua Stern (I REFUSE to use your middle name until you do ANYTHING even remotely worthwhile) revolves around haunted doll house (at least it’s not a cookoo clock, I guess). The aforementioned doll house is found by the dad and given to the daughter as a birthday present. that cheap A-hole. Meanwhile Jimmy Martin acts like a nerdy pathetic boy (C’mon kid you were a young Andrew Dice Clay once, get it together). The film is the epitome of stupidity and I’m sure Hollywood will choose to re-make it any day now. Oh yea and the girl that play’s the sister on “That 70’s Show” unleashes her chest pillows for the only time of her career thus far. (the ONLY reason to even think of conceivably maybe watching this movie.

My Grade: D-

Eye Candy: Starr Andreeff shows her left tit briefly; Eric Foreman’s sister..um..i mean Lisa Robin Kelly goes topless

That’s funny – when I first started using IMDB thirteen years ago, I used to read all of Movie Man Kev’s shit – what a blast from the past! Seems he didn’t like this much either but he seems to like this:

LRK

I guess that’s enough of this silliness and I guess I didn’t miss much – let’s turn this over to JB for some good reporting!

amityville jb1

I got ridiculously fucking excited when this started up. I thought that we were returning to the Amityville house. I thought shit was about to get real again, back to something that would make sense having the name “Amityville” attached to it. I mean, I didn’t expect a masterpiece or anything but I was desperately trying to be more optimistic than required considering the last few debacles from this franchise.

Well, is it bad to say that I liked this one a lot more than the last few, and it is still an extremely flawed and cheesy film? I think I have gotten so used to how utterly crappy these movies are that I have become so desensitised. But this was definitely a step up, faults and all.

zooey deschanel awkward amityville

I mean we meet this perfectly “happy” family, and their perfect little dream falls apart within days of discovering this dollhouse replica of the Amityville house that we have not seen since it burnt to the ground in Amityville: 3D and assorted stupid flashbacks that have just been there to force the movies to have some weird recurring theme.

amityville dollhouse

This happy family… meeting them all seems strange, but soon you get into the groove of how weird it is. Bill, the dad, has two kids from his previous marriage, Todd and Jessica. His new wife, Claire, has an incredibly socially stunted son named Jimmy. Todd and Jimmy don’t get along, and it isn’t just because of the age gap. Jimmy doesn’t like his new family and misses his deceased dad, and thinks that he is intellectually superior to everyone around him but his mouse, Max. As for Todd? He just doesn’t know where he fits in in the world.

The movie seemed to be incapable of deciding whether the new house was the issue, or if it was the Amityville dollhouse. I mean… there was a newspaper clipping of a house that burned down, and I thought it was the Amityville house in the third movie, but it turned out to be the house that had burned down on the same lot that Bill had built their new family home on? So… is it the current lot that is making the dollhouse evil? Is the dollhouse evil because it is from the Amityville house? I suspect it might be the dollhouse itself that is haunted, though we haven’t seen it before this one?

#continuity

amityville dollhouse evil family

Then, while trying to piece that conundrum together, we see that things that happen in the dollhouse happen in the real house that dad has built new for his family. But how??? It isn’t the same house?! The layout isn’t the same, nothing! So how can you have a mouse crawl in under a dollhouse bed and have a gigantic mouse appear under the new house bed??? WHY??? WHAT DID I MISS???

I thought it was hilarious how Bill’s sister Marla and her squeeze Tobias just happened to be very well versed in the occult. Nice going guys!

amityville dollhouse killing

Jimmy’s zombie daddy appears later, as well, and his appearance progressively deteriorates. It was so silly, at the end when there is this big but super cheesy showdown going on between him and Bill? He gets hit, and for all his icky skin and stuff, some super regular fleshed out ankles/calves make a brief appearance.

amityville dollhouse dad

I got drilled about stop, drop and roll as a kid growing up, but it seems that Todd’s girlfriend totally missed all those training days.

amityville dollhouse burn

Anyway, I don’t even want to discuss how nothing was resolved in this movie at all. I just don’t even know what to do with that. There were holes and contrivances and some really bad and cheesy acting at times, but it was also shot relatively decently and edited far better than the last lot have been. A mess of a movie for sure, and not necessarily so bad it is good, but in terms of this franchise? It is so bad it’s better than most.

Review: Twilight – Stephenie Meyer

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Twilight #1

Isabella Marie Swan moves from her mother in Phoenix to stay with her father, Charlie, in Forks, Washington. She is incredibly upset about this, seeing as Forks is dreary and rainy and horrible, but she wants her mother Renée and her new husband Phil to be happy together. Charlie has bought Bella a truck from an old family friend, Billy Black, and she loves it more than she imagined. Sulkily, she starts school the next day, which seems relatively normal until she meets Edward Cullen, who is more beautiful than just about any guy she has seen in her life, and he seems to hate her on sight. Bella does not understand this, and before she knows what is going on, Edward has stopped coming to school, and his family seems so removed from the other students that no one seems to know what is going on.

Bella is battling with all the boys in school asking her out, and she is not interested in any of them but Edward. Before long, Edward returns to school looking very different, and he actually starts talking to her civilly. Bella’s obsession deepens, though Edward does not seem interested in her, a plain Jane next to him. Her obsession does not change when Edward saves her from being killed one day by a speeding truck, which he seems to bodily stop, appearing beside her before it could possibly happen. Going to the beach at the Quileute Reservation with some friends at school, she reacquaints herself with childhood friend Jacob Black, who tells her a tribal tale of werewolves and vampires, naming the Cullens as the vampires the werewolves are to protect the tribe from. Bella starts making assumptions, and decides that Edward must be a vampire. He is too pale, his eyes change, he never comes to school on sunny days, not to mention the incident in which he saved her with superhuman strength and speed.

Again Edward saves her in the city one night, and they get to talking. Eventually he has to admit to her that he is not human, as she has ascertained this and does not seem afraid. The Cullens are not like normal vampires, and do not feed off of people. They hunt animals for sustenance. He desperately wants her to stay away from him to be safe, though it seems he is immensely interested in her. The two start seeing each other, much to the shock of the school. Bella meets the Cullen family, whom Charlie has a lot of respect for. On a family outing, after she knows that Edward is deadly and glitters in the sun, she joins the family for a baseball game which they can only play when there is a storm due to the racket they make when playing. A small coven consisting of James, Victoria and Laurent appear at the baseball game, and James becomes obsessed with Bella. He is a tracker, and he is going to make a meal of her. The Cullens rally to protect Bella, running her off to Phoenix, while Alice fields visions on what James is planning. James has an elaborate plan to draw Bella away from Jasper and Alice, and it might just work.

Will Bella take the bait and go to James? Will the Cullens be able to save her from him? Will Edward and Bella ever just have a simple and normal, happy relationship? Will Charlie be safe with the Cullens divided up between looking after her and him? Can they stop James and his plans?

GRADE 3.5Alright, so just to set the record straight, it was not my desire or choice to read these. I got bullied into it (I don’t think this is a fair trade – I recommend a few decent books to a friend, she insists that this is what I must read after she read three good ones). Anyway, getting down to what I thought of the novel, the biggest glaring issue for me is that Stephenie Meyer cannot write. She has no understanding of pacing. I mean there are plenty scenes that are squeezed in here and come across as unnatural and forced. It is like she knows what she wants to say, but has no idea what vehicle to use to convey it to the reader. Before reading these books, I thought Katniss Everdeen was the most annoying and selfish heroine I had ever read about. Boy, oh boy, was I mistaken. Then I met Bella Swan and I damn near chewed through my own wrists. She is more selfish than I ever realised. It freaks me out that it is teenage girls reading this and looking up to such a useless lump. Also, something that bothered me immensely, you would think that Edward would be more mature, considering he is like a century old. His character is incredibly inconsistent, and that annoyed me endlessly. When I read and think vampires, I think Count Dracula and Anne Rice type things. This is just awfully embarrassing to end up in the same lot. The relationship between Edward and Bella is bizarre, and lacks emotion and passion. They are obsessed, but not even in a passionate way, and they are all about suicide if they cannot be together. Stephenie Meyer keeps quoting Romeo and Juliet like she is giving us a modernised version, which is extremely annoying because this will never be on the same level. Bella and Edward are like petulant children together. The story offers nothing more than a girl completely obsessed over a boy and willing to throw her whole life away for it. Then… what is this bullshit that “normal” people can’t smell blood? It smells like freaking iron last I checked! Also, Bella has no character development aside from getting more and more obsessed with Edward, and then next thing you know she is adept at using people (Jacob Black). I rapidly got over reading about Edward, always in connection with the words perfect, beautiful and flawless. Seriously, is there nothing more to say about him than that? Bella’s blind acceptance about Edward is ridiculous, and really makes it even more difficult to identify with anyone, as if it wasn’t hard enough as is. Edward is really like a sulky, angry, churlish child. Meh. I couldn’t understand his insistence of someone knowing where she was or her insistence of lying about it to everyone. All she had to say was “hey, going out with Edward”, not “hey, going out with Edward the sparkly vampire and if I am not home and safe by six, get the stakes ready and come and get me”. Seriously Meyer, wtf?! Edward glittering in the sun in the book is the same as in the movie – throw in the towel and be done with this crap. Wow. Anyway, the “action” that comes by the end of the book again feels out of place and forced. I cannot say that it was a joy to read this book at all, and I cannot, for the life of me, understand how this became such a huge phenomenon. Alright, I will stop now, otherwise this will never end.