useless – The Sporadic Chronicles

JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Playhouse (2015)

Posted on June 24, 2016June 24, 2016 by Zoë

Holy shit folks! We are back! The completists that Eric of The IPC and I are and all meant that there was no way in hell that we could leave this series unfinished! Even after the massive celebrations of ending that last piece of crap, this one made an appearance and we were all over it – there is no way this franchise will ever die! Keep your eyes peeled, we have so much more in store for y’all!

SYNOPSIS: Following the tragic death of her parents Fawn Harriman discovers she has inherited a theatre in the town of Amityville. She, along with 3 friends, decides to spend the weekend there looking the place over. Meanwhile one of her High School teachers begins an investigation into the village’s past and makes a connection with something that goes back beyond recorded history. – via IMDB

Well folks, who the hell knew that I would be back for more of this silly franchise? Well, me. Because I know the franchise blows (let’s not even pretend otherwise), but I am also someone who cannot leave something unfinished, so naturally I was back in action for this, and I do so love working with the Chop, so even if this was where we would begin (to end), I was on board. Even if it makes me the author of my own suffering.

captain america son just don't amityville

So. Uhm. The Amityville Playhouse. Right. You know, I don’t usually like to shit all over a movie. It has to be really bad. Like, really bad. Especially when you can see it is a budget film and they were trying. But then there are others that are unforgivable. This? This is one of those. SO BAD. And not the so bad it rocks kind, either. Just plain down atrocious and awful.

There are many fatal flaws to this movie, and I think the biggest offender is the acting. Like holy wow. It was just so stuff. I mean, we have all seen movies/series with some sketchy fucking moves and work from those involved, but this? This is next level man. WOW. Again, not even laughable bad, just so bad I can’t believe that anyone let these poor people put something like this out o.O

The Amityville Playhouse takes itself waaaaaaay too seriously, which is wickedly embarrassing. Pair that with some of the worst dialogue I have ever heard (I actually cringed), awful characters, a stupidly pointless plot (like wtf was that even?!), and some of the slowest, self-centred teens I have ever seen and you get this steaming pile of crap. That dweeb boyfriend? He actually said: “I swear I will pin him down and take a dump on his face. What. The. Fuck. I was sure it couldn’t get worse. I was sure. I was also terribly mistaken.

The movie honest to goodness even tried to address the gay/straight thing here. Like AWKWARD and does not fit into the whole katoot. Hang on – they actually addressed the whole science vs. religion thing, too o.O There’s even a section on the issue of America, and the slaughter of the Native Americans. Ambitious fucking movie, I tell you!

I freaking hated the characters. Not just cause they were bad actors, but because, for instance, the lead was so whiny, and then there was her total dweeb of a boyfriend, and an utter, screaming, yelly bitch as the best friend (I just don’t even want to get into this faulty thing). There was so much useless aggression all over the show here, which did not help matters in the slightest.

Let’s take one second to address the ridiculous roars (were those lions? What the fuck was that even all about??) and then, of course, that score. That. Fucking. Score. That thing that never, ever once let up, that was the same few notes on repeat. It hurt me. It really, honestly, truly did. I think that was worst for me. Music and a score and all are supposed to complement a film, not make everything so much more unbearable.

make it stop amityville

I have to say, watching these kids, they are a freaking deadpan, meh lot. I swear to goodness, I had way more oomph as a teen. Never mind that, a weekend in a theater? Not a likely scenario, but you better believe we would have made the best of it! We are talking a hardcore party, a jol for days!

So… they are in the UK, and for shits and giggles these teenagers go over to the States to spend a weekend in the theatre? And the teacher skips over the lake as well, just for fun? WTF? Is that what happened? I have no idea! It made no freaking sense!

This silly movie was entirely and excessively too long. And it was flawed, damaged, and broken. It actually made me yearn for some of the earlier entries. Yes, I said that. This was bad. Everything about this movie was clumsy.

I swear, I got to the end and I was like:

And then my brain was like:

As if this franchise is ever gonna throw in the towel. EVER.

I just want to thank the Chop for being such an awesome collaborator to work with, and I am looking forward to future projects!

The ONLY reason I ever bothered with this is because I’m a Completist and Zoë and I did a run on the entire franchise – well, and my OCD couldn’t just leave this dangling out there like a dong in the wind, so I rented it and immediately regretted this Terrible and Poor decision making on my behalf about four minutes into the movie. This fucking chick down here, with her fucking bangs, her twisty eyeballs and her fucking pimply chin:

aphouse1

inherits a fucking movie theater from her fucking dead parents. Turns out she lives in some Canadian province with her Canadian friends and her Canadian school teacher but the theater is in some town called Amityville so they hop in their Canadian cars and head south to check it out. These are five of the worst actors I have ever laid my eyes on and they deliver their lines as pathetically as possible. I can’t really come up with words to explain this but there’s this scene where the five of them are trying to leave the theater and the door is locked. Imagine for a minute that there is only ONE door in the entire building that violates every fire code in America. Now imagine that you’ve been stuck in a room for eight hours listening to some boring man read you The Telecommunications Act of 1936. In your most bored, tired, uninspired voice, say these words with your friends:

I CAN’T OPEN THE DOOR. THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

WHO LOCKED THE FUCKING DOOR?

I DIDN’T LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR.

I’M SO SCARED. I’VE NEVER BEEN SO SCARED IN MY LIFE.

WE’LL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE. WE’RE GOING TO DIE IN HERE.

I CAN’T OPEN THE DOOR. MY HANDS ARE BLEEDING.

QUIT FUCKING AROUND AND OPEN THE DOOR.

THE DOOR WON’T OPEN. THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

WHY IS THE DOOR LOCKED? I’M SO FUCKING SCARED.

WE’RE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

I’VE NEVER BEEN THIS SCARED IN MY LIFE.

aphouse2

There is nothing at all good about this movie and the end is so stupid you’ll want to punch yourself in the balls (or other) for watching it. If anyone ever tries to convince you to watch this, do everything you can to immediately shit your pants and take those shit filled underwear and ruggedly place them on whoever suggested this’ head.

aphouse3

And now, for e very special send off to this pitiful thing, here is an IPC reenactment of the famous door scene! Be careful, there’s lots of F bombs in there… so be sure to play it as loud as possible at your workstation so all of your colleagues can hear it!!

JB!! We did it!!! I can’t believe it!! UGH – what a fucking disaster of a franchise!! Who picked this shit??? I do love working with you but I am so glad this is over!!

Coming soon to a theater near you:

CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY

#theflies #ohmygodtheflies

Rapid Review: Lovely Molly (2011)

Posted on April 8, 2016April 7, 2016 by Zoë

“What ever happens, it wasn’t me.”
– Molly

SYNOPSIS: Newlywed Molly moves into her deceased father’s house in the countryside, where painful memories soon begin to haunt her. – via IMDB

So I couldn’t even remember where I had seen a review of this and decided to check it out. I found out after the fact that it was something that dear Eric liked a lot (this after I told him I was sure I had stumbled upon my next Shitfest entry – when is that happening again???). Well. Pretty much from the off I knew that there were going to be problems with this. And I mean a lot of problems. All good and well we get Half Sack back for something, but it does not mean something good will come for it. For one, I was no fan of the dancing between found footage and regular shot movie. Well, I don’t like found footage usually ever, at all, but really, it was pointless here. The movie was slow, and it never actually divulged anything. It set up for jump scares that never happened, but this wasn’t done successfully where it keeps you on the edge of the seat. Oh no, this is done in the way where, finally, for half a minute, your interest is piqued for a moment, and then there is no payoff. Meh. Also, nothing was explained. Now, I am not one that likes too much revealed usually. Seriously, less is more at the best of times. I was all good for that, but then you look at certain incidents (a real rapey looking scene against a work wall, a priest dropping to his knees to eat out a naked girl on a porch) and all I can do is wonder why and how we got to this place. It doesn’t even make sense! Not to mention that the performances leave a lot to be desired, and the logic encountered in this film? Next level crazy I tell you! Now, something else that really got under my skin? The character inconsistencies. There is the dear husband, Tim, who seemingly adores his wife. They have no problems, they are happy, not once has there been alluded to that something might be wrong, so when we get to a random scene where he is, uhm, overly cuddly with the neighbour, it just doesn’t make sense at all. I could totally have gotten on board with the concept of her potentially being crazy or the house was crazy or there was some haunting, really, it could have been interesting but it was handled terribly here. I didn’t like any of the characters, so I couldn’t care for them. The movie also felt like it was only about a half century long. Ugh. So much wasted potential. I really thought it would be more (sorry Chop). I was peeved but oh my goodness, my husband was livid and hopping, ready to go out and decree that all filmmakers producing crap like this should be shot, and was ready to start with the guilty parties of this. Luckily, I talked him down. Luckily. He was more pissed about this than It Follows. I didn’t even see the whole “From The Makers of The Blair Witch Project and The Lord of the Rings” until later, but that second name dropping part just pisses me off – this is totally not in the same league. Don’t put it up there. Thank goodness I didn’t see that before I watched it. I am sure that it would have, if possible, just have made this worse than it already was. Somehow, I am sure of this.

Review: Dead Ringer – Jessie Rosen

Posted on November 12, 2015November 11, 2015 by Zoë

I received this book in exchange for an honest review.

SYNOPSIS: From the moment Laura Rivers steps foot into Englewood High, she notices the stares—and they aren’t the typical once-overs every pretty new girl endures. The students seem confused and…spooked. Whispers echoing through the halls confirm that something is seriously off. “That new girl looks just like her,” they say.

It turns out Laura has a doppelgänger, and it isn’t just anyone—it’s Sarah Castro-Tanner, the girl who killed herself by jumping into the Navasink River one year ago.

Laura is determined not to let the gossip ruin her chances of making a fresh start. Thanks to her charming personality and California tan, she catches the eye of Englewood’s undisputed golden boy, Charlie Sanders, and it’s only a matter of time before they make their relationship official.

But something is making Charlie and his friends paranoid—and Laura soon discovers it has to do with Sarah Castro-Tanner.

What really happened to Sarah? Why is Charlie unraveling? And how does Laura Rivers fit into it all?

After all, she’s the dead ringer for a dead girl. – via Goodreads

Me eye is actually twitching as I write this because of my immense frustration. But let me not jump the gun, I think you deserve to know how this played out – and you all know I won’t just give a bad review for no reason. The write up looked like there was some potential, and there was. But this book really isn’t for adults – at least, not adults who read a lot. This is far more suited for young adults/teens or someone who doesn’t read all too much but wants something that will go quickly. Or someone who is looking for the most ludicrous and unbelievable story in the world – again, more on that just now. There was so much that could have been done with this novel had it been set in a more mature environment. Also, the book requires you to suspend belief to a point where I just could not do it anymore. I mean Sasha, this hacker, started at twelve and is that phenomenal less that eighteen months later? It didn’t sit right with me considering just about all my friends (and even my fiancé) are programmers and into IT, so even for me reading some of the computer related things had me rolling my eyes. How convenient. Really. I am not saying you can’t be a hacker at like thirteen, I am saying the way that Rosen handled this was just not on. Let’s also not forget to mention how many times “that night” was brought up and painted to be something super intense. It was brought up so many times you are numbed to the mystery around it, to the point where you don’t even care anymore as to whatever happened “that night”, and whenever it is alluded to, your interest is not piqued, but a little annoyance flares up. There is also a lot of what feels like filler stuff in the novel, and Laura’s character was someone that I could not identify with and didn’t care about in the slightest. Not even a little bit, not even at all. Let’s not even forget about the four major characters outside of Laura: Charlie, Kit, Miller, and Amanda were all silly. None of them meant anything, none of them carried any weight for me. As if I was not irritated enough as is – this freaking book just ends. No joke. I was desperately hoping that the story would wrap up and be done, but no. Never in a million years would I be as fortunate. How could I think that I would be? Har har no. It just ends. Done. No more, no less. So it means there will be another book in what is now going to become a series. Oh man, why?! I just don’t know if I can do it to myself. As it is I felt Dead Ringer dragged on and on and never really went anywhere until the last bit (and boy, oh boy, was that a kick in the teeth), and everything was so juvenile and convenient and, and, and… no. Just don’t do this to yourself. Ever. For no reason under the sun.

Rapid Review: The Hot Chick (2002)

Posted on September 23, 2015September 22, 2015 by Zoë

“You know what would be a shorter list? All the people that don’t hate Jessica.”
– Lulu

SYNOPSIS: Jessica Spencer, a somewhat mean spirited, popular and beautiful teenager, switches bodies with gas station robber Clive Maxtone one night and wakes up the next morning in his body. Freaked out, she must get her best friend April and two friends Lulu and Keecia to help her figure out what caused this. Along the her journey as a man, she discovers how mean she was and attempts to fix it while trying to get her boyfriend to believe its her. – via IMDB

I'd be pissed, too, if I woke up as Rob Schneider — I’d be pissed, too, if I woke up as Rob Schneider

Right-o, so I got roped into watching this the other night for a girls night once. This is totally not my cup of tea, but I figured I could go for something out of character and watch some ridiculous chick flicks. This was just way too out of character for me. I hate stupid humour, I do. I am certainly no fan of this. We can start with Rob Schneider. He truly irritates me beyond comprehension, plus I was submitted to watching a bunch of plastics instantaneously buy into this thing of an older dude housing a young girl, and all banding together (suddenly all grand friends) to help a girl who was most certainly a bitch to recover her body, or make do in life in this man’s. There were a few moments where things were tolerable, but overall, this is just so not my scene at all. I don’t know, I know I might be looking too closely at the plot (of which there is none) or at the acting (which was relatively dismal at the best of times) and all that, I know that it shouldn’t be taken too seriously, but this movie cannot even boast having a moral at the end of it all. I mean seriously?! Also, a big problem I had is that I do not enjoy stupid humour (as I have mentioned), and this was stuffed chock-full of it. This movie was pretty lame with a lot of ridiculous parts, humour that was just not on at the best of times, and Schneider as a lead? I knew it would be painful. Oh well, not something I will be going back to, and not something I can recommend, either. Skip it!

Review: Level 26: Dark Revelations – Anthony E. Zuiker with Duane Swierczynski

Posted on September 17, 2015September 16, 2015 by Zoë

Level 26 #3

SYNOPSIS: In Dark Revelations, Steve Dark faces the most intricate, intense, and explosive case of his career. The killer calls himself Labyrinth, and the riddles, puzzles, and wordplay with which he announces his new targets have caused a worldwide media sensation. The case has already claimed a number of high profile individuals as victims-not to mention several government agencies, which have tried and failed to stop a growing global panic. But what point is Labyrinth trying to make? Who will be his next victim? It’s up to Dark to assemble a team from among the smoking rubble of the international crime-solving community, find Labyrinth wherever he may be, and put a stop to the mayhem, once and for all.

Can Steve Dark solve the biggest riddle of them all? Only time will tell. – via Goodreads

Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Ugh. Really now! This trilogy is just one of those that just disappoints at every turn. So far the best villain has been Sqweegel, from the first book, though a lot of things were just not right in that book. Then there was the sequel, which started with more potential and ended up being only slightly better than the first. Then there was this one, the final installment, and I was wondering if the game would be upped, if there would be a much more satisfying conclusion, some brilliant finale, something to tie up all the ten thousand loose ends dangling around all over. You can forget it. Really now. The villain was not difficult to guess, the ties linking everyone were not difficult to work out, so that left for a hollow experience. Not only that, this book becomes really repetitive and boring very quickly, so that ultimately this book feels like a really juvenile story because there is nothing that chills you or freaks you out, and the riddles are childish in nature. Then there is Steve Dark. This character, I tell you, not one that I enjoy. The sex again… Dark never initiates anything, but we are to believe that women are yanking their clothes off and throwing themselves at him at every single turn?! What are the writers trying to say with this, exactly? Like, meet him, fuck him, move on. It really pisses me off when you get that in a book, truly. It is annoying and crass and unnecessary in the novel. I have been waiting since the first book to hear what Dark would do when he found out about the Sqweegel DNA, and it turned out to be something that was overhyped and underwhelming. I did not watch the videos for this novel save the last, because the stupid book just ends and you have to go and watch the clip to see how it all really ends. You don’t even really need the clips to understand anything, but to have to watch a final one to end the story? Not cool. Defeats the point of a book. This book was just frustrating in the long run, running around in circles, flat and unappealing characters, a villain that had potential but didn’t work out too well by the end of it all, a writing style that certainly needs refinements, characters (Lisa Graysmith hem hem) just suddenly dropping away, though they were actual love interests… just a disappointing way to wrap things up. Really. At least it is all over now.

JB & The Chop Do: Amityville 3-D (1983)

Posted on April 3, 2015April 1, 2015 by theipc

In what will surely become a hotly contested and polarizing debate, today we present the abysmal Amityville 3D (sometimes tagged with “The Demon”). I thought this movies was going OK until we got to the last act when I almost croaked out of unbelief. WHAT. THE. FUCK? Who thought that was OK?? ARGGGGGGGGH! My part contains spoilers if you feel like watching this….

SYNOPSIS: A reporter moves into the ominous Long Island house to debunk it of the recent supernatural events and becomes besieged by the evil manifestations which are connected to a hell-spawn demon lurking in the basement. – via IMDB

By now we all know how much Sweet, Tiny JB hated Amityville 2 but I still contend that it’s better than this turd. This thing starts off with a couple of dopes researching the murder house in question. While the copy I watched was NOT 3-D, the 3-D effects were absolutely HORRIBLE looking and I questioned the 80s for ever existing. Anyway – these two dopes debunk the house for being stupid and eliciting fear for money and then they shoo everyone out of the house by opening their overcoats and exposing their floppy dongs. Then, the guy who looks like Will Farrell’s dad BUYS the house for dirt cheap and tells his old lady ” We bought the house, not the ghosts, Sugarlips.”

Soon, Meg Ryan and the chick from Full House come calling – playing the daughter to whatshisface and her bestie friend. They’re cute and, according to fashion at the time, they wear their Guess? jeans up over their belly buttons and say things like “Rad!” and “This is fresh!” and “Bitchin’!”

After a typical series of scenes involving fucking flies and a giant hole in the ground that goes to hell that no one has ever sealed up, Ryan wonders what it would be like to have sex with a ghost and then they do some Ouija conjuring.

Eventually, the pervert flasher gets trapped in an elevator, there’s more flies and dripping blood and then, just when you think “I guess this is going OK, I wonder how I’ll review this,” the daughter drowns out in the lake and comes back to Earth as this:

“RAAAAAAAH RAAAAAAAAHHR RAAAAAAHHHHHHHRRRRRRRR!!” She says with light coming out of her mouth. “RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHR RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHR!!”

So she kills the one pervert guy and the other guy and his squeeze escape and the fucking house explodes to smithereens so there can be NO MORE SEQUELS. Because the house exploded in fiery 3-D flames they can’t possibly have an estate auction selling off the possessions of the family that lived in it prior, before it went to auction. Right? It EXPLODED.

Elsewhere, Margot Kidder shits herself in disgust after viewing this…..

I totally hated this movie and I totally hate this foreign poster for it:

Now, I know that this is one sorry little film for the Chop, but let me just tell you, after the fuck up that was Amityville II: The Possession, this was just amazing by comparison, yet still a pretty stupid film. Like I said, Shitfest Fridays for quite some time to come.

The story was weak and all over the show. That is undeniable. It’s a train wreck that just goes on and on and on, and even though you can totally see what it happening, it does nothing to allay the pain and suffering you are experiencing while watching. Dramatic, I know, but oh so damn true.

amityville 3d bad photos

The acting was just… bad, but it is still better than what comes in the later ones (I swear, just as you think they can’t get worse… they just… oh man…). The music was ridiculous, and the story went from trundling along to rocketing into some crazy shit: people burning in cars, drowning, walking through the house, the whole toot. Because it can. Just go ahead and do what you want, it all makes perfect sense!

amityville 3d car crash amityville 3d car burning

Apparently this was the start of the whole “evil leaves the house” thing, because guess what? An elevator tried to kill someone! AND NOT EVEN IN THE VICINITY OF THE HOUSE!!!!

amityville 3d elevator

I want to talk about the crazy shit that finally came to pass as the end because it was the biggest what the fuck moment for the movie. I mean this genuinely and sincerely because I have no fucking clue what the hell that was all about… we had flying fish, crazy Freddy vs Jason water hopping moments (though really not done well), a house that went crazy, people in mourning being all different, a house that would not free them, film cameras up the wazoo and people everywhere and people dying and some fish monster and fuck, I just laughed. And laughed some more. Because the movie was taking itself so seriously the whole time and then devolved into this as an ending? What the heck happened?!

I know that this was like… 3-D and all for it’s time, and the poster is right… we, the viewers, are the victims. It was a bit of a misison, but I made it… though you never think that finish line is in sight. So after all that ludicrous fish-flying stuff is going on and you have no idea if the end is in sight, just when you think you cannot take but even a second more, there is this crackpot crazy explosion. Whoosh. Big. BURN IT ALL TO THE GROUND.

Oh my goodness, we have like… another nine or ten to watch, right?! I swear, every time I check out Wikipedia, there is another entry. True story. I just checked now and guess what? Another two on the list!!!!! OH HAPPY DAYS!!!

PS: It was an absolute nightmare to find gifs for this, so I would like to thank Televandalist for the gifs!

Review: New Moon – Stephenie Meyer

Posted on February 12, 2015February 14, 2015 by Zoë

Twilight #2

Bella Swan is being all moody and sour with her sparkling vampire boyfriend Edward Cullen on her birthday and is still miffed that he won’t turn her. His brother Jasper tries to eat her, and the Cullens move away. Nasty breakup ensues between Bella and Edward, she spirals into a deep depression like her family has been massacred, not like she has lost her boyfriend whom she has only been with for a few months. Months of obsession and depression after all that, eventually she starts hanging out with Jacob Black, an old friend. They get very close. He is in love with her, she cannot think further than Edward, but has no qualms crushing Jacob’s heart. Eventually Jacob goes on the fritz and she gets sour that he, too, would leave her. Turns out he is actually a werewolf (seriously). Huge misunderstanding at the end causes Edward to try out a suicide mission, and Bella runs with his sister Alice to stop it. Seems they just go back to normal, doesn’t matter about Jacob anymore, who is bitter because the Cullens are his tribe’s sworn enemy and he is in love with Bella, who loves his natural enemy, and he is a werewolf and has to protect his people from them.

Blah, blah, blah. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Moan, moan, moan. Me, me, me. Turn me, turn me, turn me. CRY CRY CRY. Breakup ensues. Depression. Mope, mope, mope. Edward, Edward, Edward. Longing. Suffering. Torture. Pain. CRY CRY CRY. Selfish up the wazoo. Bad writing. Descend on Jacob Black. Use him. Use him some more. Tug at his heart strings. Vampires, werewolves, panic. Edward, Edward, Edward. Mess Jacob around some more. CRY CRY CRY. Betrayal when Jacob has personal issues to deal with that don’t involve her. Sulk, sulk, sulk. More bad writing. Do some stupid stuff. More me, me, me. More moan, bitch, sulk, cry. Obsession, obsession, obsession. Depressed. Suicidal thoughts (because all these books seems to highlight is that losing a love is worth popping yourself over – especially after a few months). Bad writing. Romeo and Juliet references for Africa. CRY CRY CRY. Panic, panic, panic. Discard Jacob. Run to Edward. Edward, Edward, Edward. Obsession. Unhealthy. Unhealthy. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Fuck it. I will never get any part of my life back over this.

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