JB & The Chop Do: Saw VI (2009)

JB AND THE CHOP PRESENT SAW

Since JB and I are always about honesty and integrity, I’ll be honest and say that, despite my enduring and lifelong contracted love for JB, I’m getting tired of these movies and don’t really see how they have endured so long and made so much money. It’s the same fucking story EVERY time. Opening grossness, weave some new characters into the background of Jigsaw’s life,  burn them, chop them, emulsify them, super fucking twisty flashbacks that try and tie everything together, end. Sigh. At least this is THE FINAL CHAPTER, right!!! Right??? No – CRY CRY CRY

saw 6 poster

SYNOPSIS: Agent Strahm is dead, and FBI agent Erickson draws nearer to Hoffman. Meanwhile, a pair of insurance executives find themselves in another game set by jigsaw. – via IMDB

chop saw

Like I said in the opening, I’m getting tired of these things BUT, one thing I have always liked about them are the sexy nurse posters they put out each year for Halloween Blood Drives. Harrumph harrumph!

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So what’s going on in here? To be honest again, I watched this over a month ago. Before I went to New Jersey and before I went to Jamaica. I remember the opening act was fucking disgusting and this chicks chops her own arm off to save her life while another person dies gruesomely.

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Then we are introduced to some pitiful Insurance Company Executive who reminded me of the second Darrin on Bewitched:

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He fucks Jigsaw out  of insurance money for his incurable brain cancer so Jigsaw decides to murder EVERYONE. I still didn’t and don’t understand where Jigsaw got all of the money, time, peace and quiet and parts to make all of these elaborate death traps but OK. Didn’t it turn out that he owned the meat packing plant where most of this shit takes place? It doesn’t seem like it was truly successful considering how shitty the state of everything was…. it looks like the place has been abandoned for 60 years.

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I can’t remember if it was Jigsaw himself or one of his many helpers but somehow they kidnap EVERY member of the Insurance team and place them in traps around the joint. Darrin 2 can either let them die or kill himself so he doesn’t really try very hard to save them.

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Elsewhere, Jigsaw’s busty widow is running around town carrying out his last wishes.  Wishes he recorded on a videotape before he dies knowing that two million different decisions would have to happen EXACTLY the way he planned them to get to this point. Jigsaw’s widow (the one in the dress):

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I don’t know – I guess this just didn’t do much for me. At least with the Amityville movies – as awful as they were, at least the plot was different each time. As pitiful as they were, at least it was something different the next go around. I wonder what’s going to happen in the next one? Something new?????? I doubt it. The only thing I remember about number seven is that the commercial showcased some guy in overalls. There’s nothing I hate more than overalls.

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jb saw

You just know shit is bad when the big celebration point when every film starts is noting the run time.

Goddammit, the opening for this one is really fucking gross! I mean, not that any of them have been particularly savoury or anything like that, but this is just… why?!

saw vi opening

Recipe? Naturally. Nothing really changes. Shall we count the ways…?

  • Gory opening? Check.
  • Billy the puppet? Check.
  • Inundating the viewer with gruesomeness? Check.
  • Flashbacks? Check. Check. Check.
  • Past characters? Check.
  • Overly complicating the narrative with insane, unbelievable history? Check.
  • Jigsaw “teaching lessons” and “rehabilitating” people? Check.
  • Plot twist? Check.

saw vi

Well, you just knew there was going to be some major payback in this one the moment a health company was revealed – sharks, man, and this movie was really heavy handed with hammering that point home.

Losing Strahm sucked, he was a solid character and Patterson was really good. I was real peeved that his colleagues could think it was him. I mean this was out of the blue, and I am glad Perez reviewed the charges thing, and got Erickson on board, it would be too easy for Hoffman to get away with all that shit.

What the fuck kind of dysfunctional marriage did you have if you lose your baby, your husband goes cuckoo and leaves you and starts playing life and death games with people, and after all of that shit, you still get involved with his plans? Bitch, are you cray?

this bitch cray

Man, I thought the movies had moved on from being overly noisy. Evidently I was wrong. Also, more flashbacks than you can shake a stick at here, which is utter madness. These movies are super formulaic, no two ways about that. This one has victims facing off against each other and leaving their fate up to another man, such madness on the loop. It would take something extraordinary from this series to shock me, if I am being serious. It’s all just so nasty and grotesque and gory and trying to be so much smarter than it is. Oh, well. Who the hell knew that one tiny-ass budget film from back in the day was going to spawn all of this afterwards? Wan and Whannell sure as shit had no clue.

On a totally unrelated note, something that has been bugging me for the last few movies is that Detective Hoffman has a mouth like a fucking pouty fish. Plus they were downright glossy in this movie!

fish lips poutCostas-Mandylor-hoffman pout

Not seeing a major difference…

JB & The Chop Do: Saw V (2008)

JB AND THE CHOP PRESENT SAW

Oh man. For reals. These movies keep going. More and more. Still working elaborately to provide a solid story to elevate it above the rest of horror franchises, but forcing in enough gore to keep curling your toes, and hell no people, not in the good kind of way!

saw 5 poster

SYNOPSIS: Following Jigsaw’s grisly demise, Mark Hoffman is commended as a hero, but Agent Strahm is suspicious, and delves into Hoffman’s past. Meanwhile, another group of strangers are put through a series of gruesome tests. – via IMDB

jb saw

First things first, 95 minutes again, score!

Naturally, we must open with some gory fucking slaying. There are like zero shockers here anymore. Screw it, you can all cringe with me:

saw v pendulum

Can I just mention that if someone jumped out at me in the dark, I’d have a fucking stroke? A few months ago I let my friend out the gate at my house, and it was late, it was dark. I have these tree things in the garden, and when I turned around and started walking back down to my flat, I realised something was amiss. I knew it, I could just feel it in the air. I walked real slow, and was waiting for my eyes to completely adjust. I realised that something was not right by one of the tree things, that the shadow was more hulking than usual. My heart skipped, I was in full on fight or flight mode, when my husband cracked up and told me “Don’t worry noodle, it’s just me.” I almost died just there, I was not pleased with him. Ugh.

rix scary

Just note – all these tree bush things are dead now cause it is winter, but in summer they are all open and leafy and shit. See how he is just lingering just after the one? Now imagine the dead of night, and we do live in a country with a hectic crime rate. So uncalled for.

While we are on the procrastination boat here, discussing everything but the movie, have you guys ever seen the video about living with Jigsaw? If not, I highly recommend it! At least this tangent is sort of related… right??

Anyway, enough rambling. I suppose I must get back to the movie. Meh. Dude. From the beginning it is evident that these people in the latest game should be working together, but oh nooooo, why on Earth would they do that? They were all actually quite frigging annoying, if we are being honest here, and we are all about honesty!

Patterson is, again, really good. I actually thoroughly enjoy his entry to the franchise. He is consistent, solid, believable. A character to root for, and goodness knows we haven’t actually had one of those throughout this series. He was just seriously on the wrong case at the wrong time.

Saw V strahm box

A gimmick that got old quickly was exploring the crime scenes from the back forward. I am so tired of the flashbacks within flashbacks in this series. I have to give it credit though (still), for a gory franchise featuring such gruesome crap, it really tried hard to have an actual story. That is more than most of these things can say. However, that does not change the fact that each of these movies is a recycled version of the last, PLUS AN UNEXPECTED TWIST. Pfffff. As if.

Saw V was going for a big narrative again, and this is where these movies fall short. As I mentioned above, respect for trying to weave this one, huge, elaborate plot and story and characters and all, but sometimes they try to take it too far, if you ask me.

I was also not liking this whole “Make Strahm Look Guilty” aspect at all. Then again, are any characters actually safe in this franchise? No. Pity they gave us one to root for. Fucking sadists.

Luckily this one was, again, not too noisy. Jeesh, some of those earlier ones were out of hand crazy, loud, grating. Anyway, this movie is super forgettable when it is all said and done, except for the end of it. That plotsie is one we remember (sheesh, really did see more of these silly films than I thought – shows you how they are totally not a memorable lot). Also – for such a short film, it felt long. So very long.

chop saw

First off, I need to issue an apology. Last week I mentioned that Julie Benz was in this and that I swore she was the worst actress around town. Well – when I saw the name Julie Benz I was actually thinking of someone else – Julie Benz is actually a pretty good actress and I really liked her in The Boondock Saints 2 and that TV show she was on (No Ordinary Family). I was thinking of Kiele Sanchez, star of the miserable 30 Days of Night: Dark Days and resident ham in The Perfect Getaway. She was a totally the best thing about Saw V and I guess the joke is on me. What a fucking chop!

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Let’s see if number five is going to give us anything different this time around. Open with the gruesome death of someone random who has nothing to do with anything? CHECK.

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Follow around someone wearing a hoodie that is way too giant for their head and who also covers their entire face like they’re in the middle of a sand storm in the Middle East? CHECK.

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Introduce some random people who may or may not have anything to do with anything but exist to die horrible, painful deaths? CHECK.

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Put these people through terrible tests that are NOT POSSIBLE to be completed in the amount of time they are slotted, but they do anyway? CHECK.

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The Chop will make a non-vague comment about the bountifulness of Jigsaw’s wife’s bosom? CHECK.

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The filmmakers will spend the last 10-15 minutes of the movie using sweeping and circling and flashing series of images to make everything from the last five movies including the new characters in the current movie mash together to try and incorporate them all onto one closely knit web of unbelievably complex and impossibly planned coincidences. CHECK FUCKING CHECK.

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The movie will end with a cliffhanger encompassing something that could never possibly happen in a million years because of the thousands of decisions that would have to be made correctly for this series of events to come true? CHECK.

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I appreciate what these movies are trying to do (or tried, I guess, since the series is almost over) (oh wait there’s TWO more to go and one in production) – use the same money making trick, add more characters and use the old, now dead characters in flashback sequences. I appreciate that these made a lot of money.  I appreciate that these probably got a lot of guys out on Friday night dates and got some good squeezing action from their terrified or grossed out counterpart. I guess, after watching them all relatively in a row, I don’t appreciate that it’s the SAME story over and over.  Blood and guts, talking, flashbacks, whispering, blood and guts, people who need to work together and don’t, blood and guts, whispering, blood and guts, circular sweeping flashbacks tying everything together, implausible ending sequence. That would be like me talking about a movie and quickly getting distracted by boobs. Like, they other day I watch this movie called Listening with this super hot chick in it named Amber Bollinger.

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And I was all ‘hey, wow you’re super pretty and you’re not afraid to show your toppies’ and then I saved this picture as sawv11

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And the pic title is totally tricking out my OCD so I need to get off of here before my tics start. That name is worse than having your Starbursts out on a table and not organized by color. To close, I didn’t really like this one very much but ANYTHING is better than THIS 

JB & The Chop Do: Saw IV (2007)

JB AND THE CHOP PRESENT SAW

Here we go again. Another extensive look into the insides of people. How many more of these are there? 10? 11? Yeesh. A man can only take so many guts and swirling camera flashbacks. Jigsaw is dead now, right? So he can’t whisper for 130 minutes? Right? RIGHT??

saw 4 poster

SYNOPSIS: Despite Jigsaw’s death, and in order to save the lives of two of his colleagues, Lieutenant Rigg is forced to take part in a new game, which promises to test him to the limit. – via IMDB

chop saw

Let’s start this piece off to do a little housekeeping and see if Bousman and the boys clean things up… by my record, still unaccounted for are: Elwes, Marky Mark’s brother, the guy from Braveheart and the guy from Braveheart’s daughter. I suppose Monica Potter and her daughter, Marky Mark’s brother’s kid and Jigsaw’s wife are just footnotes out there? Do they make comebacks in this series? We also still don’t really know why they killed the lady cop? Or how they could possibly AFFORD to make all of these elaborate traps to disgustingly kill people? We saw some boobs in the last movie – will we get some more? Will we see a pee-pee? Will there be even MORE and MORE rotating cameras and extensive flashbacks? Will this make me want to wretch?? I guess we’ll see. SPOILER: I did just see a #DeadPeePee ….. X _ X

Also – is this reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally necessary???

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So wait just a fucking second… SPOILERS This opens with this autopsy scene and they pluck out his stomach and there’s a tape recorder in there and this cop listens to it and then two guys are chained up and one of them kills the other one and then the dark skinned cop from the last two movies gets put into a Jigsaw game and then so does his boss and Marky Mark’s brother has been gone for six months and all of this stuff happens and then it’s actually concurrently running at the same place in time when the third one ends?? And this all takes place in 90 minutes?? HUH? WHAT? It’s obvious the cop is UPSET when he listens to Jigsaw’s tape recording but he’s actually the one killing everyone?? HUH???? WHAT????? This makes no fucking sense. If the beginning is actually the end then wouldn’t they have rescued that FBI guy when they gathered up Jigsaw’s body?? And the black cop?? Wouldn’t they identify the bad cop??? What the fuck?

saw4b

Also – this all takes place in NINETY minutes?? Blogga please. No way that happens unless they have Star Trek transporters. I don’t hate these movies but there’s something I have to address. These unbelievably elaborately architected traps someone keeps setting, all of the tortured and anguished screaming and moaning that goes on, all of the NOISE that these machines make when they are grinding and smashing people to pulp – all of the project that goes into setting these things up –

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HOW THE FUCK DOES ALL OF THIS GO UNNOTICED???

This cop comes home from work. His wife has been there all day (seemingly) and she’s packing a suitcase to go visit her mom or something like that. The cop goes to sleep and wakes up when he hears a noise. Somehow, the way I see it, while he was slumbering, someone came into his home, taped DOZENS of pictures around this one room, installed a large wall timer, wrote some letters in blood on his wall, put together this chair that’s going to rip this woman’s scalp off, and put a half dressed woman into the device and placed one of those pig masks over her screaming head. All while he was sleeping. He couldn’t have done it while the wife was home, right?

Exhibit A:

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Exhibit B:

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Oh well. As a movie overall, aside from the last two paragraphs I wrote, it’s not too bad. It’s better than 1 and 3 in my opinion. I couldn’t get over the poor poor acting in the first one and the third one was just fucking gross. All of the movies suffer from being WAY over edited and this one didn’t disappoint with the sweeping in circles flashbacks explaining everything.  We did get some closure on Marky Mark’s brother and the guy from Braveheart though we still don’t know about his daughter or whatever happened to Elwes.

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I guess we get some insight into why Jigsaw does what he does but it still doesn’t make any fucking sense. His wife lost their baby in a tragic accident so now he murders EVERYONE? K. If I did learn one thing from this… Jigsaw’s wife has enormous cans. That would have been a lucky baby suckle suckle.

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Looks like Julie Benz is in the next one… YAY! I swear she’s the WORST actress….

jb saw

First thoughts? 95 minutes looks a bit more realistic! That last one was ridiculously long. Not cause it had a story, nope, but just because it wanted to curl your toes. And not in the good way, either.

Seriously, not long into this movie and it begins with me thinking: “OMFG, really?!” More sif shit on the brain bit? Will they ever let this go? Come on!

saw iv autopsy

Not only was the whole brain thing rehashed, there was a really uncalled for in depth port-mortem. Definitely didn’t need that, and yet they added it in anyway, because this would totally not be Saw anything without it.

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Second thoughts? Well, maybe not second thoughts, I have had a whole bunch rush through my head by now. Okay, enough bumbling. Where was I? Oh, oh, I have seen this one, too! I still can’t remember if I stopped at this one or the next. Shows you how memorable they are after the fact.

The Saw movies truly are all about making you squirm and cringe, big time. While this one was nasty at times, it never reached the depraved depths of the last one. I am rather grateful for that.

This movie finally deals with the continuity of Detectives “Kankle” Matthews and “Ribs” Kerry, which, in my opinion, was long overdue. I would like to give these movies credit though for really pushing for the continuity and trying to keep everything tied together. Consistency, and it is pretty solid here. Solid does not mean believable or good though, it just means that they stick to things throughout.

LOL, check  out Scott Patterson here folks! Whoop! I will always look at him and think of him as old Luke Danes, the grumpy gills who runs a diner out in Stars Hollow. And he rocks as Luke, for reals! Okay, I guess this is totally not the place to discuss something as incongruous to Saw as Gilmore Girls.

luke danes gilmore girls

However, before you know it, he is the best thing about this movie. Danes actually gave a pretty damn good performance to boast about here, and he was pretty much the only character I honestly bought into. He was smart, determined, dedicated, the whole katoot. Pretty badass, too. Truly made this worth it – I don’t know when last there was actually a character in these movies I gave a rat’s ass about!

scott patterson saw iv

I think my biggest issue with this movie is the fact that I can’t buy into all of this going down in 90 minutes – they got Jigsaw’s ex-wife in for questioning, traversed all the crime scenes, continued the investigation, everything in 90 minutes, concurrently with Rigg running and playing Jigsaw’s game? Okay, let’s be honest, I would not say that buying into anything in these movies is easy, but if you suspend belief you can, in some sick way, picture this shit going down. But I just can’t suspend so far that all of this would tie in with the last movie and that it is all going down at exactly the same time, within ninety minutes. Sheesh. What crap!

saw iv billy

While there were some gruesome traps again, I thought that a particularly nasty cringe trap was the face knives contraption o_O Gosh! Can’t tell if it is vanity or if it is to do with the fact that no human being wants anything near/in their faces fucked around with – eyes, ears, mouth? Stay away!!

As far as the sequels go – I would say this is, without a doubt, one of the better ones. It tried more successfully for a backstory, and managed to give us one, to show us Kramer/Jigsaw, though he still seems like a bloody weirdo and control freak, and shows how his whole world collapses. Doesn’t make any of this any better on his behalf though. Also – this one isn’t so offensively loud as the others (yes, yes, common complaint).

Sooooooooo…

The whole movie was about this detective listening to the tape, to set up the next film basically? Uhm… well done? Good for the plot twists at the end though, it has been the best one since the first Saw movie.

saw iv blood strahm

JB & The Chop Do: Saw II (2005)

JB AND THE CHOP PRESENT SAW

Today we return with a look into and offer valuable insight on Saw II.  Will we enjoy it more than the irritating (IMO) first one? Will anyone saw off their own foot?? Will there be a mention of cockatoos and corpse desecrating in this post??? Read on at your own risk!


saw 2 poster large

SYNOPSIS: A detective and his team must rescue eight people trapped in a factory by the twisted serial killer known as Jigsaw. – via IMDB

chop saw

Picture this, you and your Beloved are paddling down a nice Venetian river, admiring the clouds, the warmth of love and tenderness enveloping you like your grandmother’s hugs.  Time, as it is, seems stopped as you enjoy the peaceful serenity of an Eden-like paradise. Later, you stroll, hand in hand up the marble steps of the resort, flower petals at your feet, sweet cockatoos walk wildly in the lobby. You are handed flutes of champagne that you sip as you pass the in-house orchestra, serenading you. In your suite, the room service has delivered the finest truffles, the softest lamb, the richest red wine; they have the windows open and the breeze blows the fragrance of roses throughout your room. You turn to the TV set to turn on smooth jazz on your satellite feed and really set the atmosphere. As the TV fires up, you soon realize you left it on the only movie channel in the resort’s network and it turns out it’s playing Saw 2 and you’re at that part where the chick is screaming and writhing around in that pit full of hypodermic needles and your asshole clinches so tight that you may never shit again and your Beloved is horrified and drops his or her glass of wine and throws his or herself off of your fourth floor balcony and as you rush to save him or her you slip in his or her wine puddle and you fall forward and hit your head on the table and break your fucking neck. That’s how I felt when I watched this scene:

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Further, we can imagine, you are in Heaven with your Beloved, as well as your ancestors, both forgotten and recently passed.  It is the most lovely feeling you’ve ever experienced. In the distance you see the home you grew up in, you are finally free of the burden of tax paying and hard labor, you no longer need to worry or feel guilt or remorse. Holding your Beloved’s hand once again, you stoop down and wisp away the clouds to witness the disposition of your Earthly remains. You once again see your suite, you see the chamber-person enter the room. He is holding a tray of the finest mint sorbet the country has ever produced. Aha! He spies your lifeless body! He drops the tray in shock! The horror! Then he whips off his belt, yanks down his pants and starts really getting after it, desecrating your corpse, rogering it over and over and over again with the power of a bull, shaking the table, screaming and howling like a Irish banshee; pounding and pounding and pounding until he finally releases jizzes all over the room. The walls, the ceiling, the fireplace, EVERYWHERE! There must be GALLONS!! That’s how sodomized I felt when I watched this scene:

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The point here is that I can take a lot – I will ALWAYS turn away when a spider comes onscreen but I do have a thing for needles and razor blades – they freak me the fuck out. So BOTH of these scenes were really effective to a guy like me. It’s not like I got scared and ran crying into the closet but they were both teeth gritting and uncomfortable deep breath making. How about the rest of the movie? I actually kind of liked it – I liked it more than the first, that’s for certain, and I actually thoroughly enjoyed the last ten minutes or so.

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I found the camera work less irritating, the dialogues and writing much better, the acting was moderately more believable, I saw some décolletage and it was definitely a lot gorier than the first one. Actually, I think I liked everyone in this except for this guy:

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#décolletage

I also liked that we got more of an explanation of why he does what he does even though I still find it illogical that he or his cronies have that much time or money to build such extravagant traps. I also liked how it ended up, back in the toilet. We now know what happened to Adam and Zep!! but still no mention of Elwes.

#looseends

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For the record, I thought it was a big improvement over the first one and irritated me much less. I wonder what JB thought??

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Alright, and so we move on to the second installment of the grisly Saw franchise. Even as the movie starts, you can immediately tell that they had a much larger budget to work with, and this is evident throughout the film. A big thing that counts in favour of this movie is that it is shorter than its predecessor – not by an awful lot, but by enough to make the movie tighter and quicker than the last.

saw ii oven

Saw II definitely goes for glory with the icky scenes, spending much more time on the nasty predicament that each and every one of the people is suffering, as well as their just punishment. The last movie had gore, sure, but not on the same level as this. Saw II wants to make you squirm and feel uncomfortable. This is the beginning chapter of the torture porn that this series is renowned for.

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They brought in some plotsies again at the end, but they just didn’t have the same bang that the original did – maybe because you expect it, follow the same formula, keep it going. Eric complained in the last movie that it was loud, not something I took particular note of, but this movie? So. Much. Noise. I won’t even pretend it didn’t bug the hell out of me.

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We got to learn more about Jigsaw in this one, but I agree with Chop – it still makes no fucking sense.

Anyway, I don’t have an awful lot to say about this one. I thought it was a decent watch, and a little more reveal about Jigsaw was great. Amanda returning and the end reveals tied this neatly back to Saw. The acting is better here, but again, most improvements here boil down to the bigger budget. Whannell staying on to write more here, and Wan producing meant that there is a certain continuity to it. Definitely not a bad sequel (it’s actually a pretty good one, considering how horror sequels can go), and holds itself well against its predecessor.

saw ii jigsaw

JB & The Chop Do: Saw (2004)

JB AND THE CHOP PRESENT SAW

Folks! WE ARE BACK! I am so excited to announce the latest in our “JB & The Chop Present” series! Eric of The IPC and myself love to tackle some franchises (and some are certainly superior to others), and the Chop thought it was about time we took on the Saw movies, and so here we are. We do hope that you enjoy our latest offering, and we do hope that we survive this run! Although, whatever this franchise brings, I am sure that, unlike the Amityville movies, it will not terrorize my soul for all of eternity.

saw poster

SYNOPSIS: Two strangers awaken in a room with no recollection of how they got there or why, and soon discover they are pawns in a deadly game perpetrated by a notorious serial killer. – via IMDB

jb saw

Who the hell knew, back in the day, that when Saw was released, a tiny budget horror, that it would evolve into a massive horror franchise? I sure as hell don’t think either Wan of Whannell thought it was going to go down the way it did. And just look at the success it (unthinkably) garnered!

I remember when Saw came out, it was a right big deal because it touched on some really gruesome shit and had a small budget. Saw works in the sense that, for such a small budget film, it looks good, the areas/sets are mostly contained, and the movie essentially plays out in a deserted, creepy bathroom and a few other select sets, and still it manages to keep you engaged. It was also different that there was more story attempt than your average film of the torture porn variety. Then again, if we are being serious, it wasn’t until subsequent movies that the franchise became all about that.

saw bear trap

I have no idea what the heck happened to Elwes. I think everyone looks at him and thinks of The Princess Bride. He was in fine form there – sassy, young, cute. Here? Eish. Not so good, man. There was definitely an issue with overacting here. The dialogue, while stinted at times, was not as bad as usual for a horror, though the acting makes it cringey more often than not. Okay, it cannot be denied that there is a lot of weird, inexplicable things going down in this movie. One of the biggest things? I will never really understand why Jigsaw is running around in a fucking silk boxing robe (for reals), it was something that really got to me.

Danny Glover was relatively underused here, considering the movie is more a thriller than a horror, with a mystery being systematically uncovered. I thought that it was handled quite well, having us wonder, then giving us just a touch of information, then leaving us hanging again. What was wrong with the movie though, and this cannot be overlooked, is that it was significantly longer than it needed to be, and could have been tightened up a little lot.

Danny Glover returning as a cop did amuse me, and I was wondering if he really wasn’t too old for this shit, but his character was one that I enjoyed, and one I could understand going off the deep end, what he went through and witnessed was pretty crazy.

i'm too old for this shit murtaugh

Natasha reckons this review should just read:

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW! Blood, blood, blood.

I thought I would add this here just for her:

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She is still in shock that I would even watch this whole franchise. No, blood, guts, and gore are totally not her forté. Lol.

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The plot twist at the end of the film isn’t a bad one, and certainly one that was handled quite well throughout the film, and definitely surprised most people. It is one of the stronger aspects of Saw, though it is flawed. Saw has a cult following, and all that started with this first film, which I think was really well done for the unknown duo, Wan and Whannell. For horror fans out there, I am sure that this is a movie you have all seen and (sort of) enjoyed – if not the whole thing, aspects, certainly.

But let’s be very serious here – this movie is not the most memorable. There are certain things you are going to remember, the things that shock. The rest? The reasons? It all fades away.

Anyway, one down, the rest of the torture porn dominoes to go!

chop saw

I haven’t seen this since it came out on DVD back in 2004 and the only thing I remember about are two things ones a big spoiler so I won’t mention it. The other is the thing with the foot so I’m going into this fairly blind especially since I was probably pretty stoned when I watched it. Let’s see what we’ve got.

The acting in this opening segment is pretty poor.

Ah jeez, Cary Elwes… what’s become of you??

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Elwes has a pretty shitty American accent

This Leigh Whannell guy is a TERRIBLE actor

HAHAHA!! He gave them tapes to listen to! TAPES!! I wonder if JB even knows what a tape is!!?? I remember having to re-spool those fucking things all the time…

The name of this game is to kill Adam! WHOOP!

Disgusting. Digging your hand in a shitty toilet is never ideal.

saw1b

That’s almost as gross as when Danny Glover shit on Tracey Morgan and he got it all over his face in Death at a Funeral…

saw1c

SAW SAW SAW those chains! That’s not going to work, buddy.

Elwes sure is being overly dramatic here. “He wants us to cut through our feet!”

This movie is very noisy…

This guy sure does plan out these execution games thoroughly. He must have a lot of free time….

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo – Elwes is the doctor working on Jigsaw while he is dying in the hospital? How is Jigsaw out doing these “games” if he’s dying of colon cancer in the hospital?

Ah Danny Glover… we hardly knew thee….

Elwes has a lot of lipstick on in this scene… someone should fire the make-up guy

Speaking of Elwes, my mom used to think I looked like him back during his skinny Princess Bride days and my skinny youth days…

I see we have an escapee from the Jigsaw Killer! Get it girl!

OOO – and our first look at his mask. Nice fucking bow tie. Jerk!

This lady is doing some good eye acting.

saw1d

Did I mention this is REALLY FUCKING NOISY??

Is he riding a…………. tricycle?? That’s not very sinister…

As I pause for lunch, I notice I still have over an hour left…

So wait – knowing what I know – they just discovered the two way mirror and they cut to a guy watching a video feed of them in the bathroom. He waves and sings “I see you”… are they hinting this is Jigsaw?? Spoiler: we know that’s him playing dead on the floor, right?? Who the fuck is this guy??

Oh wait, Danny Glover is still alive!

Monica Potter!

saw1e

A pager!!! A pager!! Nice! Technology rules. BEEP BEEP BEEP.

You’d think that dead body in the middle of the room would be pretty stinky by now…

OK – maybe Jigsaw isn’t hospitalized and was just in for his colon check. Everyone loves fingers up their butts! Right? And cameras!

So Jigsaw has killed one guy (I guess they technically kill themselves) for trying to kill himself, one guy for being a voyeur, and tried to kill one lady because she used drugs. Very motivational.

Danny Glover and his Asian looking cop buddy may have cracked the case!

Here he is. The Big Reveal. Too bad he’s wearing a cowl so we can’t see his face.

saw1h

WHOOPS! I don’t think Glover is going to make it.

Asian Cop just shot Jigsaw! WIN!! Too bad – a booby trap takes down Asian Cop once and for all! His law enforcing days are over. WIN!

I guess Glover is going to make it after all… WIN!!

AHA – the person watching the video is NOT Jigsaw. WIN!!!

A flip phone! Cigarettes! Cryptic notes! Lame-ass voice-over!

it took until exactly 1:00:14 until something creepy finally happened. Yawnsville. And I still have 42:00:53 left to go.

Why is this movie an hour and forty five fucking minutes long?

The inaugural JB AND THE CHOP WORST FAKE DEATH EVER award goes to Leigh Whannell (ED: I agree!!!!! Jeesh!!!!!)

The inaugural JB AND THE CHOP LAME FLASH AND WHINE: OVERUSE OF A CAMERA FLASH IN A DARK SETTING TO INDUCE SCARES

This tet-a-tet in the toilet and the constant cut of flashbacks are getting old….

Wait? Where did these two random pictures come from? Have they just been there on the floor the entire time??

The mystery of how Jigsaw can be in two places at one time is solved! Zep!

saw1i

These guys aren’t very good at gunplay… FAIL!!!

Elwes isn’t very good at crying in an American accent. Jesus Christ this is embarrassing for him. This is getting to be almost as bad as Keanu Reeves in Knock Knock.

There’s a LOT of action going on as we lead up to the Big Finish.

Here we go!! Off with the foot!!

saw1j

OMG the acting here… it’s wretched……

Now he’s not even trying to mask his accent…

He’s off to get help before he bleeds to death! I wonder if he makes another appearance in this series since he survived? I wonder if he went home to his trailer for the evening, knocked back some Brandy snifters and thought, “Elwes, old cock, you did some good acting today!”

The Big Reveal!!

LOL – I thought he had colon cancer the entire time but it’s actually BRAIN CANCER! I FAIL!!

Well – the last few minutes were pretty good. I wonder if Adam will make a return?? Or will he starve to death .like the prison rat he is… Overall I think this was OK. Maybe it’s because I really watched 12 years after it came out. It wasn’t as gory or violent as I remember and it as really noisy in some parts. High Tension was a lot more ickier and I think it came out around the same time. Most of the acting was absolutely wretched. I’m still not 100% on the whole plot (spoilers):

Elwes is Jigsaw’s brain doctor. Zep is an orderly at the hospital Elwes works in. Adam is a guy who was paid by Glover to go around taking pictures of Elwes. Jigsaw is a person who likes to teach people lessons about their humanity because he is going to die of brain cancer and they don’t appreciate what they’ve got going for them. Sooooooooooo:

Jigsaw makes Zep drug and trap Elwes and Adam in a shitty toilet and: Elwes has to kill Adam ORRRRRRRRRRRRR they can cut their feet off and escape. If Elwes doesn’t kill Adam, Zep will kill Elwes’ wife and daughter. In the meantime, Jigsaw lays perfectly still on the floor for over seven hours without moving one single time, Hmmm.

I guess it’s not the worst but I’m already not sold on all of these movies. Hopefully some of them get better??

saw1k