Tag Archives: terrible

Review: A Court of Mist and Fury – Sarah J. Maas

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A Court of Thorns and Roses #2

SYNOPSIS: Feyre survived Amarantha’s clutches to return to the Spring Court—but at a steep cost. Though she now has the powers of the High Fae, her heart remains human, and it can’t forget the terrible deeds she performed to save Tamlin’s people.

Nor has Feyre forgotten her bargain with Rhysand, High Lord of the feared Night Court. As Feyre navigates its dark web of politics, passion, and dazzling power, a greater evil looms—and she might be key to stopping it. But only if she can harness her harrowing gifts, heal her fractured soul, and decide how she wishes to shape her future—and the future of a world cleaved in two. – via Goodreads

Ugh. This book. I know my bestie Natasha is a ridiculously big fan of these books, and I really wanted to love them like her, and I thought A Court of Thorn and Roses wasn’t too bad, but then this hunk of junk rolled around. It grated on my last nerve from page one essentially. Remember all that sexy time Natasha said might put me off and I didn’t get what she was talking about in the last book? Well. It is ALLLLLLLLLLL here. Let me get into this stupid book already, and keep myself reigned in as much as possible.

THE FUCKING WHINING. Dear God, will it ever end?! Not once did Feyre stop moaning and whining and feeling sorry for herself in this, which chapped my ass. Almost as much as her constant vomiting. I am not kidding. All this character does it whinge and bitch and puke and have sex dreams/fantasies. Goodness gracious me. I had some hope for Feyre from the last book. Maybe not the greatest character of all time, but certainly not the worst. But here? Save mine eyes!

The book was also excessively long. Seriously. Maas could have lopped off two hundred pages easily and still told the same wheedling, stupid story. So much of this book is wasted on erotica. And not the good kind, either. The lame, silly kind, with some exceptionally questionable sex scenes/practices going on. Forest Fuck Fest, Tom! I know how you love that phrase! This is it! I don’t like to read erotica or a ton of sex scenes, I want a story more than I want to know about… okay, let me stop there. This conversation might become too graphic for words, and is so not the way I converse. Just know I was extremely unimpressed with the offering.

Aside from Feyre working on my last nerve, the characters are again shallow and flat in this book, and Tamlin turned into a real asshat in this one. Controlling and manipulative and abusive. That bastard did nothing in the freaking uprising of Amarantha, and he is treated like the conquering hero that gets Feyre as a prize? What? CONFUSED. But yeah. Also, it irritated me that he was essentially an entirely different character than in the first. The first he had flaws, but who the fuck is this guy?! Then there is the completely NOT SHOCKING development of the relationship between Feyre and Rhys.

Maas is also a crappy writer. Well, in this series, at any rate. Repetitive language, more ellipses than should be legal and more em dashes than you can shake a stick at. Seriously. And she constantly repeats certain phrases. I don’t know how many times she used the term “vulgar gesture”, but my eye twitched every time I read it.

Okay, I am actually going to stop venting here before this turns crazy. Needless to say, I hated this book. It took me about a week and a half to read it because every time I looked at my Kindle, a little part of me wilted and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. But I am a completist and masochist and soldiered on. At least it is done now. I won’t lie, I have absolutely no motivation to pick up the next one. We will see if I get to the place where I wish to give Maas her last chance, but I don’t know. It seems my opinion is in the minority on this series, but I just don’t get the hype at all.

Review: My Bloody Valentine (1981)

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“Beware of having a party at all on Saturday night! You may not live to see daylight!”
– Happy

SYNOPSIS: A decades-old folk tale surrounding a deranged murderer killing those who celebrate Valentine’s Day turns out to be true to legend when a group defies the killer’s order and people start turning up dead. – via IMDB

I watched the 2009 remake a few years back and had an absolute blast with it, and figured I should definitely go check out the original then. Well, after all this time I finally got to it and boy, I was not a fan. Coming in at only ninety minutes long, it felt like this was just never going to end – ever. It was painful, and I watched it over a few days.

I don’t know, this just wasn’t my jam. I thought it would be, but there was so much missing here, and it was the bad kind of cheesy to boot, which is unfortunate. Oh well. Plus, no eye candy for me. So I had nobody to watch, and it was chock full of awful characters that I just didn’t like and didn’t care about, with some super crappy dialogue and some sketchy acting. Man, this was just not going to go well. And then, of course, there was the music… dear world, it was just too much.

I feel like my time was wasted here. The whole movie was a lacklustre affair and wasted potential. Yes, we all know how teen slashers are supposed to work and all that, but this was just not my cup of tea, and it was really dated. I just look at how well they pulled this together for the 2009 remake, and think it a pity that this was just… well, wasted. It was embarrassing to watch and annoying at the best of times, and considering the story it had to tell, it could have been more. Instead… no. Just no.

Anyway, there really isn’t much to say here except I found this boring and bad and not worth the watch at all. I am going to let it go right there as I could seriously not be bothered to give this a more in depth look.

October Blind Spot Review: Deliverance (1972)

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“Sometimes you have to lose yourself ‘fore you can find anything.”
– Lewis

SYNOPSIS: Intent on seeing the Cahulawassee River before it’s turned into one huge lake, outdoor fanatic Lewis Medlock takes his friends on a river-rafting trip they’ll never forget into the dangerous American back-country. – via IMDB

FUCK THIS FUCKING MOVIE. I bitterly regret having put this on my Blind Spot list – just to completely appreciate all the Deliverance references you see peppered everywhere all the time. Well, let me tell you, fuck this thing. I wish my brother-in-law had done me a zero graphic – I really should have asked him for one when I got him to pull together my score cards. Ugh. This thing should even go into the negatives. I am sure that this opening paragraph tells you all you need to know about how I felt about this pile of shit.

How the fucking fuck did this shitstorm end up with ratings like this?! Why?! Copious amounts of drugs is the only real answer I can think of :/

Anyway, there is nothing to like about this movie. It is shot terribly and accompanied by some absolutely godawful awful sound, making it a real chore to sit through. Then let us not forget how damn slow it is. Like oh… my… gosh. My attention was wandering all the time, and I am usually a really attentive watcher. For minutes on end you watch a man be raped, a man climb a cliff, men canoeing, men having the same argument, a man lining up a shot for a deer… like seriously. Not like it served a purpose other than to irritate the crap out of me. Let’s double back for a second to that rape scene – so out of the blue and so unnecessary. Ugh. WHY?

Speaking of irritating, Burt Reynolds’s Lewis is a Class A twatbag. It took me three sittings to get through this movie. Lewis was hands down one of the most offensive characters ever. I desperately wanted to see some hillbilly take him down, really. I had to settle for him going through what must have been ungodly pain with a shattered leg and dumped in a canoe in the rapids. I call that karma, you dweeb. Kry vir jou, as we would say in Afrikaans. Now that I have raged about him, I just want to add that all the characters were forgettable and flimsy, but Lewis was an asshat of note and that is why he is the most offensive.

So all in all, my opinion is fuck Deliverance. It was hands down one of the worst movies I have wasted my time on and is one of the most deserving movies of all time for that Shitfest status. If you have seen it, I feel for you (whether you liked it or not), and if you haven’t, avoid this fetid skunk of a movie. Run for the hills. Stay away. AVOID.

Review: Prom Night (2008)

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“I did this for us.”
– Richard Fenton

SYNOPSIS: Donna’s senior prom is supposed to be the best night of her life, though a sadistic killer from her past has different plans for her and her friends. – via IMDB

Goodness, gracious me. What a bloody mess of a film! Like, wow. I mean, I wasn’t expecting greatness, I was expecting a mindless horror to put on, chill throughout, but then there was this. It was… Shitfest terrible. For reals! There was absolutely nothing going on here!

Watching the title credits roll, I saw Idris Elba’s name pop up on screen, which piqued my interest. That is about as much oomph as the movie brought to the table. His performance was miles above any of the others, though Sheriff Stilinski Ashby was alright, too, and so was Ransone. Well, they were as good as they could be, considering. Brittany Snow was awful. The whole lot was awful, I am not even going to get into specifics here because… well, ugh.

The film lacked tension. Completely. You don’t give a crap about these characters or their “plight”, you cannot even root for the virginal final girl because, well, what a nuisance. You know that’s really bad. Elba swoops in and does what he can, but the script is truly beneath him. Not only are there no characters to root for, there is no fun to be had – not at this stupid prom, not the interactions between characters, and certainly not with the whole “slasher” aspect – no blood, no fear, nothing. It is just immensely disappointing all round.

While we are at it, the score sucked, and the dialogue was so damn cringey, and the plot progression was messy and the story flimsy. A flimsy story does not make for an awful slasher, but when there is nothing else to tempt you, it is a lost cause overall. There really is nothing to redeem this movie at all. It is predictable and lazy, and it is particularly offensive because it plods along and never really tries, so I can’t even give it points there.

People, seriously, you could totally just skip Prom Night and you wouldn’t be missing anything at all. Not a thing. The movie has no spine, no hopes, no dreams, and it will eat up your valuable time. It is wasted, and it is lost, and it is truly not a rewarding experience. Skip it, skip it I say!

Review: Behind Her Eyes – Sarah Pinborough

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I received this book in exchange for an honest review.

SYNOPSIS: Louise is a single mom, a secretary, stuck in a modern-day rut. On a rare night out, she meets a man in a bar and sparks fly. Though he leaves after they kiss, she’s thrilled she finally connected with someone.

When Louise arrives at work on Monday, she meets her new boss, David. The man from the bar. The very married man from the bar…who says the kiss was a terrible mistake but who still can’t keep his eyes off Louise.

And then Louise bumps into Adele, who’s new to town and in need of a friend, but she also just happens to be married to David. David and Adele look like the picture-perfect husband and wife, but then why is David so controlling, and why is Adele so scared of him?

As Louise is drawn into David and Adele’s orbit, she uncovers more puzzling questions than answers. The only thing that is crystal clear is that something in this marriage is very, very wrong, but Louise can’t guess how wrong―and how far a person might go to protect their marriage’s secrets. – via Goodreads

This. Fucking. Book. Ugh. Seriously. What a damn chore to read. I hated pretty much every second of it. I honestly thought there would be more to this, but there really wasn’t. And the fact that this crazy twist was heralded as something, and let me tell you, it’s something alright. Something super grating and infinitely annoying and beyond stupid, that’s one.

Okay, so there is the opening. I guess you can tell from that that I was not really a fan of this. Goodness, I disliked this. The biggest failing here is the useless, unlikable characters. While this is usually a shortcoming in a book, this can be worked around if the story is good. Behind Her Eyes was not, my friends. I say again, a chore to read. Louise, let’s start there, is an insipid, whiny, border alcoholic nuisance that takes up too much of the book. Every single time the book turned back to her perspective I wanted to throw my Kindle. But I love it so much I refrained – though only just. David is a full on alcoholic cheater. Then there is crazy Adele, and that first twist is let out of the bag so early that the “tension” falls flat and the book tries so desperately to rebuild but fails at miserably because come on, we know.

Another major issue I had with this is that it started as one type of novel/story, and devolved into something else altogether messy, crude, and that did not gel with anything that came before it. That made me bristle, because seriously. It’s like The Boy, totally unsure of its identity, and this is the final nail in the coffin lid of this tedious read. Then there is this sordid, alcoholic relationship between Louise and David, and I hated reading about that, and her insecurities and her excuses and explanations for the things she was doing. Shut the fuck up!

All in all, I could go on at length about this, but I will leave it at I deeply disliked Behind Her Eyes, and regret having wasted my time on it. I could not with a clear conscience recommend something so messy, time wasting, and just overall meh. Yes, strong words and all that, but this book? Ugh.

Review: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)

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i-still-know-what-you-did-last-summer

“Bless me father, for I have sinned. It’s been a year since my last confession. I’ve never told anyone about this. Not my mom, not the police, or not even my friends, except for the ones who were there, well, they’re not around anymore. You see I, I killed a man, but it was an accident.”
– Julie James

SYNOPSIS: Ever since killing the Fisherman one year ago, Julie James is still haunted by images of him after her, causes her relationship with Ray Bronson to suffer further. When her best friend Karla Wilson wins free tickets to the Bahamas, Julie finds this a perfect opportunity to finally relax. But someone is waiting for her. Someone who she thought was dead. Someone who is out again for revenge. – via IMDB

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GRADE 1Goodness. If you thought the last one was bad, then there is this one. Makes the last one look absolutely freaking phenomenal. This one is so cheesy, too much for me to even handle. The dialogue is so bad is made me cringe over and over. The whole concept was a mess, too. This girl winning a random Fourth of July trip to the Bahamas? Uhm, sure then. It was implemented terribly.

Let’s not forget the awful relationship between Ray and Julie. After the super soppy conclusion of the last one, you would think they are in heaven? Hells no! That would be too easy. Let them fight and argue all the time, make Ray out to be the tool (pffffffff – typical), and throw in Julie’s best friend, constantly telling Julie she should drop Ray (!!!!!) for Will. What a stand up friend! The characters overall were just awful. I think the most offensive one was Tyrell – what a sex crazed douche man.

Okay, back to the atrocious movie. So these friends go to the Bahamas, which is naturally deserted. You need an empty island, man! Also, there was that stupid, perfunctory fight between Julie and Ray, so she is out with her three friends (one being the icky Will), and Ray has been attacked while on the way to make up for the stupid fight with Julie. Ugh, the dramatics and nasty plot devices man. How weak. Jack Black, too, was here, and you all know what a HUGE fan I am (please do not miss my sarcasm). That only caused for more irritation for me.

The logic is so broken, and the story is beyond ridiculous, and the movie is crammed with these lame ass attempted jump scares. The acting is awkward, too. I will always love the way that the bodies and blood in these movies magically disappear within moments, so that someone just looks mad? Ugh, as if this movie wasn’t offensive enough, it actually tried to bring in voodoo and an elaborate backstory, which was just outright embarrassing. The plot twist was also predictable to boot, and the movie was unnecessarily long. No, this isn’t even like a fun slasher or anything. It is bad. Skip the damn thing! If you must, watch the first, but not this.

JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Exorcism (2017)

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amityville banner

Folks, the Chop and I must be masochists. Our OCD will totally not let us just desert these things, and it seems it has become a never-ending series, one we will unfortunately return to time and time again. Anyway, I was informed that there was yet another one of these to check out, and I hopped on over to give it a squizz. Well, how was this one, yet another one to beat Amityville: The Awakening to release?

amityville-exorcism

SYNOPSIS: A family must put faith in a mysterious priest when an demonic force, connected to a decades-old murders in their home, possesses their daughter. – via IMDB

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Well, when it opened with the fakest looking hammer smack I’d ever seen in my life, I just knew things couldn’t improve. Just look at this!!!

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Anyway. Let’s pretend that is not an issue. The opening credits were super embarrassing and awkies. Man, I actually just wanted to hide behind my hands. I do not like to just hate on something, especially when someone has really tried with it, but oh my goodness, I can’t help it. This was unforgivably terrible.

The music in this is beyond stupid, and just made something already bad that much worse. Ugh, I mean come on peeps, at least you could have tried to get that right, at the very least! I know I complain in movies that there is dialogue that makes me cringe (especially in this franchise), but this was probably the worst I have ever seen, both dialogue and delivery wise. There was no conviction, no pride, nothing. It was hollow and just bad all round.

The story is so weak. So fucking weak. Ultimately it all boils down to #SatanicLumber. I shit you not folks, the whole issue, the possession, the “evil” spirit, all of that was due to stolen lumber being used for renovations. Without a doubt even weaker than the #SatanicMacrame or #SatanicLamp of Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes.

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I would just like to take a moment to examine all the incredibly stupid things that we had to endure throughout this. The decisions. The piss poor acting, the stupid dialogue, the ridiculous phone calls (like seriously guys, you didn’t think the screens through or anything like that). The girl that looked WAY too old to be this dude’s teenage daughter. While we are at it,  I think this is by far the sketchiest looking Jägermeister I have ever laid eyes on. White?! Really?!

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Forgetting the fact that this bloke is whacking back water like it is going to get him beyond fucked up (tamest alcoholic I have ever seen), we were also subjected to a break in where the criminal was killed by that #SatanicLumber. No jokes folks! But overlooking that little tidbit, let’s not forget the break in where he enters the basement and promptly declares it “business time”.

amityville-business-time

Okay, okay, I will look at other things that happened. I absolutely could not buy into Marie DeLorenzo being like… sixteen or seventeen. I thought she was like, her dad’s wife or something. Super awkward. And she was seeing some little dweeb who served no purpose in the movie other than to add an extra layer of… weird.

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There was the stupidest crap going on all the time. I cannot even stress this enough. It’s like words fail me when it comes to describing this piss poor movie. It was horrendous. I cannot believe people actually signed on for this. I just can’t! Here’s a look at our big bad for the movie, and just… this was how it was with it whenever it was around. Oh yeah, and there was that big, fat TV fight that the priest totally put to bed when he stuck the crucifix on the screen and it exploded because of this thing’s suffering. Oh, oh, let’s not forget the showdown with the #SatanicDolls – because possessed lumber extends to playthings. Yes, that is exactly the kind of movie we sat through.

amityville-red-light

This was one of the worst things that I have ever watched, and I have watched some bad things. In fairness, the Chop did warn me, but heck, my OCD would not allow something to hang around without being done. Nope.

#Completists

Ending this movie was me being just like the crazy dad – get out, get away. Now. Run. Flee.

amityville-master-sneaker

Thanks again for reading with us guys, we appreciate it!

AMITYVILLECHOP1

Synopsis: Some stupid fucker is a carpenter who uses a stupid piece of fucking wood from the original Amityville house to  board up some stupid hole in his own house and it possesses him and he kills his family. SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH goes the stupid fucking hammer in one of the worst opening scenes I’ve ever seen. Later, some unattractive people somehow have another piece of the wood in their basement so this stupid lady who looks about 40 and lives with her dad who looks about 35 starts killing stupid people and then there’s this stupid fucking priest going around squirting holy water on walls and dirt and then there’s these fucking CGI flies that look like I just dotted a photo with a black magic marker and this is all because of FUCKING POSSESSED WOOD.

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I know I’m a dumbass – this goes without saying – but I have tried to live a good life and make good decisions and respect people’s feelings and just try not to bother anyone in general. I don’t feel like I’ve really done anything that I’m ashamed of except for maybe that time I took a shit in Todd’s front yard. Maybe. If anyone deserved a shit in his front yard that would be Todd. Anyway, the point to this is that I am actually ASHAMED of this movie. I am physically hurt and saddened that these poor people put this together. I can only imagine:

Horrible dead-wife actress: “Remember that time we took Bill Cosby’s Quaaludes and made that possession movie?”
Horrible drunk-husband actor: “Worst three days of my fucking life.”
Horrible possessed-daughter actress: “I got syphilis!!” “For life!!”
Horrible sound effect guy: “I tore my own balls off to self-punish myself for the crimes I committed.”
Horrible boyfriend actor: “I had a couple of old men wearing no pants saw me in half so I would never have to remember that.”

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I’ve told this story before but its been a long time so let’s revisit. I used to manage a restaurant back in the day and one night my co-manager and I got a report that something was amiss in the men’s bathroom up front. So we went to check it out and sure enough there was shit everywhere. On the floor, on the walls, all over the toilet. It looked like someone had hung from the ceiling and shit all over the place. I immediately started throwing up everywhere making things worse and I was retching so hard I shit my own pants. That was one of the worst experiences of my life. If we wanted to make an analogy out here at JB’s place, this would be cinematic equivalent of that event. I guess no one had sex with their brother…

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JB and I have been through a lot in this series and – in fairness – I told her I would take this one for the team but she pressed on. I mean, I was trapped in an airplane and couldn’t do anything else. And I had beer and whiskey on my side. I don’t think JB drinks but I did warn her she would need some sort of stimulant to get through this if she so chose. Maybe she took some of those Quaaludes we were talking about earlier.

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When she told me she was going into this I called her a poor soul and told her not to do it but she sent me this picture as proof of her torture and, since we live on different continents, we filed the necessary paperwork to have these filmmakers arrested and tried for War Crimes in the International Criminal Court. That suit is still pending.

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I know no one else will ever watch this, even on accident, but if you try it, you’ve been warned. I mean, no one ever wakes up and thinks, “I’d like to get stung by a wasp today!” *sing sing*. Just don’t do it.

Review: Southern Gothic – Dale Wiley

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I received this book in exchange for an honest review.

SYNOPSIS: Aspiring author Meredith Harper owns the hottest bookstore in Savannah.

Michael Black is her favorite writer—long thought dead—until he mysteriously approaches Meredith with a new manuscript, and a most unusual offer. Meredith can keep the manuscript to herself, or publish it under her own name.

Her decision results in a bestseller, but the novel contains a coded secret; one that will put her on trial for murder and in hiding from “the blood stalker,” proving too late that making a deal with the devil comes at a heavy price.  – via Goodreads

GRADE 2Man, I wanted to like this. But it was a flat and supremely irritating affair for me for so many reasons. The book was messy. It starts off okay, if not a little bland. But next thing you know, it rushes into this woman having a stalker, and before you can blink your eyes and wonder when the tension is going to kick in, she knows immediately it is a famous author she is a big fan of. Uhm… yes. The next time I hear something go bump in the night, I am going to hope some hot celebrity I am into is there.

The pacing was so off. It was ridiculous, and I couldn’t stand it. Don’t get me wrong, the book reads super quickly, but meh. I really didn’t like it. There are absolutely no likable characters. This is not necessarily a deal breaker, provided that there is a solid story to tell. Which there wasn’t. Not even remotely. Also, there is the way this author flips between the actual book that I am reading (Southern Gothic), and then the book within the book (Red Ribbon). Both stories sucked, and it was jarring to read like that because there was seriously no voice to differentiate between the varying chapters. They both sound exactly the same, and that is something I cannot forgive. The dialogue is all over the show, too, and I found the plot to be glaringly obvious.

There is also just way too much sex in this book. I am not talking the super explicit kind like Nora Roberts, but enough to annoy me. It served no purpose, either. And when Michael and Meredith weren’t banging each other, she was constantly thinking about it. Uhm, nope. No thanks. Also, Meredith falls in love with Michael just like that? She doesn’t know him. She loves his literary work, and ignores the fact that there is something distinctly off about him? Puh-lease. Idiot. It isn’t like Michael was doing an awfully good job of hiding his weirdness.

I wanted to like this more, I did, and it could have been more. But Wiley brings no heart to the book. While it is a fast read, it is a hollow, forgettable one that frustrated me while reading, and not one that I can recommend. I see that it has pretty good ratings, but it didn’t work for me on any level.

Rapid Review: The Conjuring 2 (2016)

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“I know your name, demon, and that gives me dominion over you!”
– Lorraine Warren

SYNOPSIS: Lorraine and Ed Warren travel to north London to help a single mother raising four children alone in a house plagued by a malicious spirit. – via IMDB

the conjuring 2

GRADE 2What. The. Heck. I mean really! This movie was hyped up, it was raved about, people adored it, it got compared to the first. Let me tell you what it has in common with the first – Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga. That’s it. I am telling you. When The Conjuring was released, I really liked the movie, up until the final third. It relied on atmosphere and was well acted, all of that. Upon rewatching it, I found it to be quite the hollow experience, and felt that I had scored it too highly. It was definitely a one hit wonder for me, and had no rewatch value. However, it was crafted well. As for The Conjuring 2? Unimaginative title and a terrible film all around – and not a good sequel, as so many have lauded it. This is not a good example of a sequel done right, in my opinion. Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga are good, but come across as limited due to the script. The script also tried to force emotion into it in places, and it fell flat and was terribly awkward. Let’s talk about how heavy handed and over the top this movie was. I mean seriously folks. There was no time to get freaked out or vested in what was happening because there was no grace, no elegance, no mystery, no finesse. It was just in your face, no subtlety, and felt like you were being force fed this horror. There was potential when The Crooked Man came to life – instead of scaring the socks off of me (as he rightfully should have), he was this terribly animated character that looked beyond stupid. Ugh. Let’s not forget how conveniently everything worked out for the Warrens – yes, it just so happened to be the same thing that they picked up in the Amityville house, all the way out in England? Puh-lease. I have no time for this movie, and cannot believe I had been looking forward to it for another solid horror. It didn’t deliver on any front, and was certainly a massive waste of my time. Ugh.

Rapid Review: Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1983)

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“It’s almost time, kids. The clock is ticking. Be in front of your TV sets for the Horrorthon, followed by the Big Giveaway. Don’t miss it. And don’t forget to wear your masks. The clock is ticking. It’s almost time.”
– Commercial Announcer

SYNOPSIS: Kids all over America want Silver Shamrock masks for Halloween. Doctor Daniel Challis seeks to uncover a plot by Silver Shamrock owner Conal Cochran. – via IMDB

There was a lot of this:

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And not enough of this:

halloween-iii-gross

GRADE 2What the fuck?! I’m sorry, I can’t even be civil about this! What the hell was the meaning of this?! This is the only movie in the Halloween canon I haven’t watched (I have seen all the Michael Myers ones), so when I popped this in, I thought I was getting a new film on Mikey. Well, no. I guess not. I spent the next 100 minutes having my teeth kicked in. Like, you know when a movie is so insulting you are actually offended when it is over? That was this hunk of junk for me. My husband (who luckily did not have the misfortune of watching this crap with me) spent the rest of the night laughing at me and my shock, horror, and incredulity that I had actually watched something this useless. This is Shitfest bad! Gosh! Okay, let’s even forget that there is no Michael Myers, and just go by the merits of the film – it still blows. I really tried to like it (because I love old school horror, so initially I was not phased by Myers being absent – this still had potential). There was this ridiculous “romance” squeezed in, which I think was just there to cover some sex for the movie (no jokes). The relationship was really creepy and forced, too. The movie had no idea where it was going, and stumbles all over the show while trying to find its feet. Sadly, that meant I was stumbling with it. It takes forever to sort of uncover what the bullshit story line was for this, and it is filled with superbly unlikable characters, so it is glaringly obvious that there is no solid story line because you don’t even like these people enough to chill with them while you figure it out. The writing is absolutely godawful, and there was so much illogical crap going down at any given moment, I just couldn’t anymore. Like, I see what they were going for here, but there was just way too much wrong with it. Just because this movie tosses in a few scenes of the last two Halloween movies in it on the TVs in this movie, does not mean I am okay with it being in the franchise, Let’s talk about the last bit of this movie – how many fucking times can it try to kill this guy and have him escape?! I know that is a common theme for horrors – but this surpassed the average rate exponentially. The only redeeming quality of this movie is probably the score, it’s actually really good. Anyway, useless movie that is bad even if it wasn’t ill placed in the Michael Myers canon, and one that I would highly recommend you skip.