Review: The Covenant (2006)

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SYNOPSIS: To the students of the Spenser Academy, the Sons of Ipswich are the baddest boys on campus. But that’s not all they share. The four friends also share a 300-year-old secret: they’re warlocks, the teenage descendants of a 17th-century coven of witches. So when the long-banished fifth son suddenly appears and threatens to kill their loved ones, they realize they must face their enemy in order to prevent him from stealing their powers and shattering the covenant forever. – via IMDB

Well, seeing as this was so bad I am going to turn it into something completely different.

One of the things that sucked on so many levels was how freaking terrible the CGI was. I mean bad, bad, bad!

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Oki, so the balls of power…

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Then there is the secondary cause of there being like no heat between male and females (like seriously) and far too much sexual tension resting between the dudes. Not particularly comfortable to sit through at all.

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Looking at built mostly naked men is not something ladies normally complain about, but this was pretty homoerotic and said strictly no ladies. Plus really, they look so uncomfortable, and that isn’t sexy. And they look like idiots. And they didn’t tick the hot factor boxes. For me, anyhow.

Well, here was one scene I thought it was going to be more normal (as in maybe something between the guys and the girls or a standard shower scene at the very least). Turned out to be a super let down. Then read in the trivia that a lot of steam was added to the shower scene to obscure the nudity to score that PG-13 rating they so badly wanted. Sorry guys!

the_covenant_06NothingToDoHereBlackWithTextSSThen there was this shit… I mean fucking seriously??

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Then there was the burning building… he looks so super fly!

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I don’t know what you folks think, but if someone is in a serious fight, has power balls thrown at them, get flung out of burning buildings and all that bizarre stuff, would you think the suit would look so neat? I sure as hell don’t.

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So I am going to move away from all of this now. I at least got to moon over Sebastian Stan in this. Let me tell you, he started fine, then the cheese was just an overkill, but it doesn’t take his pretty away!

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I won’t even elaborate… but yum!

Pretty damn cute in uniform.

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I would totally let him lope around a shower room looking like that…

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More hmmmmmm…

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There’s just a certain way to do demon eyes. While Sebastian Stan was freaking delicious, he lacked the attitude of Dean Winchester, and the backdrop of a decent show…

sebastian stan demon eyesSebastian Stan stars in THE COVENANT.Demon Dean

GRADE 2I had completely forgotten that I had seen this movie when it had came out and that it was so damn lame you can’t help but groan and facepalm throughout. I mean the movie kicks in with some White Zombie, and I am all like hell yeah… I am even prepared to skip over the incredibly dodgy text and effects on it. Whatever. I mean it’s got to be good if it opens with some Zombie, right? Right? Wrong. I think the best things about this film were the Zombie tracks and getting to watch the delectable Sebastian Stan. Outside of that, really?! What the hell?! It is so corny, and not the good kind, either, and so silly. My other half refused to put himself through this again (I was just thinking bring it, it will give me something to rag on), and was giving his two cents from the room for the entire duration, all degrading, all some serious mockery. He was dead on though. The dialogue was simply cringe-worthy, the outfits were absurd, the actors were not great, the plot was just… I don’t even actually know what that was, to be honest, and none of the characters were someone you could identify with. Then the whole thing of Sarah hearing about the Salem witch trials and how it ties in with the Sons of Ipswich and having her be all like “ooooooh creepy” – my eyes just went rolling around, I couldn’t help it anymore. It was hundreds of years ago. Extensive research has been done into it. Interesting, yes. Creepy, not so much. Or my mind is just too rational, I really don’t know. Also, so many things happened that weren’t explained, or later just brushed under the carpet. The Covenant boasts one of the most unsatisfying conclusions I have ever seen in a movie, and that is saying something seeing as I was so happy to have this movie end. It is not that bad that you want to kick your television to pieces and dump it outside, but it is bad enough to groan. Probably good for a rip off and a laugh with your friends if ever you are extremely bored or masochistic enough to test the waters. Have I mentioned the dodgy effects? Damn. This was just silly, not suspenseful, overly predictable and puerile. Skip it, skip it, skip it! If you were unlucky enough to have seen it, we can wallow about this together.

Review: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

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“Mutants. I don’t hate them, I just know what they can do. You don’t realize this, but we are at war. I took an oath: Protect this country. My name is William Stryker, and I am not a monster. I am simply a patriot.”
– William Stryker

In 1845, James Howlett (Troye Sivan) is extremely ill, and one night witnesses his father’s death at the hands of Thomas Logan (Aaron Jeffrey), the groundskeeper. Flying into a rage, James’s mutation makes itself evident, and he grows bone claws from his hands and kills Thomas Logan, who turns out to be his real father. He goes on the run with his half brother, Victor Creed (Michael James Olson), and the two live a long life. Victor also has a mutation, though slightly different from his brother. Both are blessed with healing and long lives, and together move through the many wars throughout history. The longer they live and fight though, the more violent and uncontrollable Victor (Liev Schreiber) becomes . James (Hugh Jackman) is the only one that can keep him in check. Captured in a village in 1975 after Victor kills a senior officer, the two are put to death by firing squad, which obviously does nothing. Approached by Major William Stryker (Danny Huston), who offers them the chance to serve their country on Team X. Members are Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds), Agent Zero (Daniel Henney), John Wraith (will.i.am), Fred Dukes (Kevin Durand), and Chris Bradley (Dominic Monaghan).

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“Oh, I care. I care because I know how valuable you are. I’m putting together a special team, with special privileges. So tell me, after defending this country for 150 years and 4 wars, how would you like to really serve your country?” – William Stryker

James is weary of joining, but ultimately does. He is uncomfortable with how things are done, though Victor loves it. Stryker questions a man in a village about some incredibly rare rock. Ultimately James leaves, he cannot agree with the blatant disregard for other people and their lives. He is now functioning under the alias of Logan, and is a lumberjack. His life seems to be going well, and he lives with his girlfriend Kayla Silverfox (Lynn Collins). Stryker pays him a visit after Bradley has been killed, and tells him that Wade has been, too. What he does not tell Logan is that Victor is behind the slayings. Logan rebuffs him, saying he will be fine. Instead he later discovers Kayla’s dead body as well as indications that Victor is responsible, and flies into a rage and intense mourning, and vows to avenge her death. After a fight with Victor that he loses, Stryker explains that Victor has gone rogue, and offers Logan a way to get strong enough to beat Victor. Undergoing an extremely painful procedure to have the rare rock (adamantium) the team once hunted melded to his bone structure, he survives and takes on the mantle Wolverine. He is furious with Stryker when he finds out that he, too, is nothing more than an experiment and that his memory is to be erased.

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“In my whole life, I felt like an animal. I ignored my instincts, and I ignored what I really am. And that won’t ever happen again.” – Logan

Escaping Stryker, Wolverine sets out to get as many facts together as is possible so as to take down Victor as well as work his way back to Stryker. Stryker is doing his damndest to take Wolverine down, and has special ammunition crafted of adamantium to use on Wolverine. John and Fred help Logan out as far as to explain to him that the mutants they were taking in were being taken to an island where Stryker would experiment on them. One such mutant escaped, and his name is Remy LeBeau, a.k.a. Gambit (Taylor Kitsch), someone who could take Logan to the island so that he can extract his revenge. Meanwhile, Victor is still on a mission to kill mutants and take their DNA, and it becomes evident that he is still working for Stryker, though on what it is not sure, only that it is called Weapon XI.

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“I despise my humanity as much as you cherish yours. And I will come for you without mercy.” – Victor Creed

Will Logan make it onto Three Mile Island? What will he find on the island? What is Stryker’s end game? Why is Victor working for him? What is this Weapon XI that he is so intently working on?

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“If I learnt anything about life, it’s this: always play the hand you’re dealt.” – Gambit

I would give X-Men Origins: Wolverine a 7/10. I know that so many people have their issues with this movie but I really cannot understand the hate. I think this is a really entertaining and fun film and something I look forward to watching every time that I get to it. I loved the opening credits that showed how James and his brother Victor  moved through the times together, fought the wars together, but continually showing how Victor got more and more prone to violence and brutality. They also just looked really cool. Then there was the backing story, and I thought it was pretty awesome, bringing in Logan’s break from Stryker and his mutants, deserting his brother, moving on with his life and losing it all, ultimately driven by hatred and revenge. I really liked Ryan Reynolds as Wade, and I really wish Marvel would stop teasing and actually just get the hell around to making that Deadpool movie! Damn! The one massive complaint I had about this movie was Wolverine’s claws. Not the bone ones, those always look brutal, but the adamantium ones. It looked like someone gave some first year graphic designer free reign on it, resulting in them looking way too fake and computerised and all, and that really ruined it for me each and every time Wolverine brought them out. Though I suppose that happened for a lot of the effects… I enjoyed watching Danny Huston as Stryker in this one, he really is a reprehensible and nasty man. I know the world has issues with Taylor Kitsch, but overall I thought he did a relatively good job as Gambit. Yes, there were faults in this movie, but I had fun with it. Maybe because I never read the comics that would back this, I don’t know, but either way this movie is not deserving of the hate it garners.