Review: The Strangers (2008)

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“Well they want something. People don’t just stand out there, staring at us like that. They want something.”
– James Hoyt

SYNOPSIS: A young couple staying in an isolated vacation home are terrorized by three unknown assailants. – via IMDB

After always hearing how good a horror The Strangers is, I decided to finally give it a shot with my husband. While he hated it to the core, I can’t say that I liked it an awful lot more. Where do I even begin?

I know! The logic of the characters! These two are just hands down the stupidest two I have seen together in a horror in a really long time. For one, he returns and finds her hysterical and he’s like “it’s nothing”. Then he’s all macho and leaves her alone and realises there are a bunch of crazy people out there stalking, and he’s just like “oh whatever”. Together these two progress to make some of the most idiotic decisions I have seen in horror/thriller in a while, and let’s face it, this is not really a genre of smart moves.

The two characters we are following are also not really nice people, so you aren’t really invested in their survival, either. The movie starts with promise, it really did, but it went downhill so fast my head is still spinning if I think about it. You just say The Strangers around my husband now and he will start a bitchfest about this movie.

The Strangers is overly vague, which would have been fine, had it just been a better watch. With better writing, the potential would not have been lost, and there was quite a bit. A nonsensical home invasion, masks, psychologically torturing people, initially a great atmosphere, the whole lot. But instead it is bogged down by flawed logic, unlikable characters, a score I didn’t like (too loud for action/music ,speech nonexistent), faulty pacing, therefore letting itself down before it even got started. The tension that was built in the beginning, the scares it put forth, dwindle in the face of the infuriating decisions made by the characters. Overall, it is nothing but a bland and frustrating experience.

March Blind Spot Review: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

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“There was a time, a time before cable. When the local anchorman reigned supreme. When people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news.”
– Bill Lawson

SYNOPSIS: Ron Burgundy is San Diego’s top-rated newsman in the male-dominated broadcasting of the 1970s, but that’s all about to change for Ron and his cronies when an ambitious woman is hired as a new anchor. – via IMDB

Alrighty, putting it out there right now, ripping the band-aid off super fast: NO. Just NO. I did not like this :/

Okay, now that it has been said and I can be called a heathen, I can move on. Since this damn movie came out I have heard how I have to watch it, how it is super hilarious and quotable as all hell, and I have never really had the desire to watch it. Not even the beloved Paul Rudd could tempt me. But it has always been in the corner of my mind, that I should check it out despite not liking the majority of the cast, if for nothing more than to see what the cult status is about.

Well, I don’t get it. Anchorman is painfully stupid. My husband sat through this with me and is usually way more forgiving about movies than I am, and he said this was soul crushing. I have to agree with him. There were like two gems in this movie (Baxter? Bark twice if you’re in Milwaukee) and:

Other than that, this movie is not quotable. It is painful to sit through, and has some completely braindead humour. No, it is not funny if you think about it, and no, it is not funny even if you check your brain at the door (which I consciously bloody well did).

That’s it. Done.

Review: The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement (2004)

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“Love does things for reasons that reason cannot understand.” 
– Joe

SYNOPSIS: Now settled in Genovia, Princess Mia faces a new revelation: she is being primed for an arranged marriage to an English suitor. – via IMDB

Oh. My. Goodness. This movie sucked. Really Ugh. I watched this directly after The Princess Diaries, and was still basking in the glow of nostalgia. This certainly snuffed that light right out. Sequels are not usually known to be particularly good or anything like that, but this? Unforgivable on so many levels!

Where to begin? Oh right, the first thing to be said is that there is some horrible CGI featured here. Luckily the movie is not too dependent on that, so we are not tortured too often. Zipping right along, the movie just discards Michael and Mia, a super sweet romance that was set up in the first movie, and it is glibly dismissed here. Come on. Anything more than “he’s touring with his band” would have been better. Then her dropping the line of “I’ve never been in love”? So you weren’t even that annoying teenager in love with him? Because that is not what it seemed like in the last movie. Let me leave these gripes and move on the the rest of the treasure trove.

Royal Engagement is simply embarrassing, really. After all the fun and entertainment we got from the first one, you would hope that this could at least be halfway decent. Even with the same cast, it is not. It is lame, flat, uninspired. The humour was so forced and stupid and the delivery is terrible, which is unforgivable. The romance story here is so generic and predictable. It brought no excitement to the table whatsoever. The entire movie is actually so formulaic. The predecessor might not have been a movie that broke any moulds, but at least it was fun. This was just awkward and silly and I was not pleased one step of the way.

This movie, sadly, also somehow manages to take itself way too seriously, which truly only hurts the experience even more. Royal Engagement is annoying, goes for cheap, cheesy tricks, and they never really land true. The story doesn’t engage you (yes, I did that), and there is nothing that makes you feel that this could be some special, treasured childhood movie. Rewatching this was a stark reminder as to why it got exactly one viewing from me when I was younger. One of the few things that work for this is the cast – Pine, Rhys-Davies, Andrews, Hathaway and Elizondo give it what they’ve got. They were quite good, even with the abysmal material, but could still not save this train wreck of a movie. Pine and Hathaway worked very well together, it’s just a pity that this is what they had to work with. This movie is so bad it can’t even be guilty pleasure bad.

The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement is a colossal waste of your precious time and energy.  It is a prime example of how not to do a sequel. There is virtually nothing to praise in this (they even managed to throw a spanner in the works between Joe and Clarisse – not okay) and I spent near two hours cringing and annoyed. You could totally pretend this one does not exist and just acknowledge the first one. Seriously.

JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Terror (2016)

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Once again JB and I delve into the Crimes Against Humanity section of movie making and take a look at The Amityville Terror. Is it bad?? Oh god yes! Is it the worst?? Well…. I hate to spoil things but that’s coming up soon. I thought this had some passable moments but it wasn’t good by any means. I think it’s funny that this franchise will never die and we’re attached to it despite all of our good intentions. There’s a line in a movie called Reign of Fire where Matty Maconougheyhey says “We have paid a terrible price….” and I think the two of us can both attest to that.

Let’s go!

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SYNOPSIS: When a new family moves to an old house in Amityville, they are tormented and tortured by an evil spirit living in the home while trapped by the malicious townspeople who want to keep them there. – via IMDB

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A perfectly happy family, living in peace on a sunny parcel of land in California receive news that the bank is foreclosing on them and they must vacate immediately. The mother and father ignore these messages and spend their days and nights pounding away at each other; in the bed, on the clothes dryer, in a pool of cold marsala gravy spilled on the floor, etc. The daughter gets sick of this so she spends her days dirt back riding. One day, while she is out in the hills riding her bike and collecting possums, the bank sends a bulldozer to the house, razing it to the ground, killing her parents. Distraught, but happy that all that constant banging is over, she moves in with her aunt in New York where she gets possessed and goes on a sick murdering streak until she is finally gunned down in a Bonnie and Clyde style shoot out on Amityville’s Main Street.

Sound good??? Well, it’s not and, honestly, none of that really happens. What does happen is this:

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Girl and family move to new town… into a house possessed by Satan…

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Girl meets boy…

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Drunken aunt bathes in acid….

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Someone has to deal with Satanic rosebushes…

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Someone gets a blowjob from his own sister then bangs her over the kitchen table….

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Someone somehow turns into some sort of growling witch with white eyes…

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OOPS!! How’d that get in there??

And then it is, mercifully over… or is it????

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I know it’s always fun to rag on a bad movie – and this one is BAD – but it’s not the worst of the bunch. The Amityville Playhouse was the worst of them all. This one is awful, to be sure, but it did have a couple of cool spots in it. Maybe three. The dialogue is pitiful. The CGI is THE WORST. Most of the story makes no fucking sense BUT it was better then Playhouse.

Things like this happen: a fully nude woman is taking a bath. Elsewhere in the house, her brother pours some drain cleaner down a sink. The tub fills with acid! “OOHMYGODOHMYGODIMBURNING!!!” she screams, falling out of the tub, exposing her shaved business. But she’s really not. Psych!

Later, a woman looks at her rose bushes. They are dead. So, as we all would, she starts screaming and moaning and pulls them out of the ground slashing her arms on the thorns and smearing blood all over her face. Quality!

Even later that day, the dad comes home from work after killing his boss in the worst fiery death you’ve ever seen. “I killed my boss today” he says. “How about i make you feel better?” she coos and gives him a blowy. Not satisfied, he pounds on her from behind for five seconds, makes his jizz and goes to bed. Uh oh! His wife is already in bed so he must have just boned his sister! Value.!

Yep – it’s bad. Is it #BazookaList bad? I actually didn’t HATE it like I hate some of these things I watch but it wasn’t good. I wonder how JB will react?

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Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?! For reals. The Chop and I have been waiting for the release of Amityville: The Awakening in 2017 (maybe, if they ever get done with it). Waiting? Dreading. Sorry. I need to make amends. Anyway, I was minding my own business the other day when I got this:

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I was not shocked when that was followed by:

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I could not believe my eyes! This little movie hopped up out of nowhere and beat Amityville: The Awakening to the punch. ANOTHER FREAKING AMITYVILLE MOVIE, WITH ANOTHER FREAKING TERRIBLE TITLE?! This franchise will never die. Then I went to have a look see, and this is what I saw:

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It’s a freaking free for all! Just look at that! The list below was posted once upon a time in one of our reviews. These were all the Amityville films. Fourteen, if you count the one we are waiting for in 2017. Now? EIGHTEEN, counting the 2017 one. Four just popped up out of nowhere.

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Anyway, after all that, and educating both our readers and ourselves that we (apparently) have a shit ton  more of these crap things to catch up on, I will move on to the actual body of this review.

I totally thought that the one hour, twenty four minute runtime was doable. Heck, shorter than most of the others ones we have trekked through. Goodness, I should have thought about how that same runtime can feel like a lifetime if it is beyond boring. And let me just tell you, The Amityville Terror is less interesting than watching paint dry.

The intro for this movie is godawful, and pretty much set the tone for the rest of the movie. It did not improve at all. In fact, it went steadily downhill, with this silly girl playing the lead, an awkward family, a guy that fucks his sister somewhere along the way (really, they went for gold here guys), families sacrificed for witchcraft (I think), and a right hooker looking woman who has odd nipples that rents this death house out to unsuspecting victims.

The dialogue is super stunted, and made me cringe more often than not. I don’t know people who talk to each other like that, it’s not natural. Besides the dialogue being hinky, the interactions between the characters were utterly unbelievable and awkward to watch. The Amityville Terror knows nothing about finesse, and spends no time setting up a story. No, sir. Let’s just get right into the crazy. Not the good kind, mind, just the ridiculous kind.

The costume design was also something that had me wondering wtf. A lot of the women looked like they could do with a hell of a lot more material in their closets, the teenage girl could totally buy brands outside of Fox, and some people need to check their sizing and go shopping again. Gosh, I know how harsh that sounds, but the people even looked uncomfortable, which made things even worse.

As for the characters, I couldn’t stand any of them. Especially Hailey, that daughter. What a little ingrate man, and how rude can you be?! WOW! The characters took over and desperately tried to convince us that there was a story to be found here, which there totally wasn’t.

This movie suffers from bad, bad, bad, bad, bad writing. It is unforgivable actually. The writers stuffed the movie with shitty characters and nudity to try and hide it, and that was even worse. It was beyond stupid and ridiculous to boot, and features some of the best CGI and acting I have ever seen (PLEASE NOTE: Do not miss sarcasm). Like ho-ly shit. That being said, I can think of way worse movies in this godawful franchise. Not that it makes this one amazing or anything, but heck, it is infinitely better that Playhouse, the Chop is right, that was hands down the most offensive of the lot.

Rapid Review: Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

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“You failed, Michael. Want to know why? Because I’m not afraid of you.”
– Laurie Strode

SYNOPSIS: Three years after he last terrorized his sister, Michael Myers confronts her again, before traveling to Haddonfield to deal with the cast and crew of a reality show which is being broadcast from his old home. – via IMDB

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GRADE 1Holy crapsticks. I know this movie gets a lot of hate, and you know what? Totally justifiable. Like really. I remember this one from when I was younger (I was itty bitty when this came out, so obviously we were checking this out as teens), but what a waste of a film! I especially do not like the fact that it negated the end of H20, which was damn near perfect, and then totally peed all over the Laurie/Michael thing, and the way Laurie was handled here? Criminal. This movie has such a super long, bland title credits opening that I was already regretting this. Something I did think about in this one more than any of the others movies is how we never actually wonder too much about how Michael passes the time between hunting down Laurie/some doomed bloodline. Seriously – what does he do? Where does he get his information? It’s not like he chills at the library or goes to the DMV or anything. Like there were fresh spices in the house now – granted, most likely put there by Dangertainment – but all I could picture was Michael like this:

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I know, right?! Anyway. Resurrection touts two disjointed stories – the opening with Laurie and Michael, and their messed up family history, and then this stupid found footage/explore the Myers house on Halloween angle. Ugh. They both sucked. The dialogue is cringe-worthy, and the camera work is shoddy. Plus there was the constant splicing of found footage in here, which felt gimmicky, and you know how much I love found footage. Also, the lead was constantly screaming, which just annoyed the heck out of me. And she didn’t know how to use a chainsaw, which is not the most shocking, but when it is the only thing between you and life or death, make it count! Michael Myers also had a crappy mask in this one, no lies. Hands down the worst sequel of the bunch. The others were fine, but this thing? A disgrace, a mess, a wreck. I totally get why it is so reviled. Pfffffffffff.

July Blind Spot Review: Oldboy (2003)

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“Your gravest mistake wasn’t failing to find the answer. You can’t find the right answer if you ask the wrong questions.”
– Woo-jin Lee

SYNOPSIS: After being kidnapped and imprisoned for 15 years, Oh Dae-Su is released, only to find that he must find his captor in 5 days. – via IMDB

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GRADE 4Okay, unpopular opinion time, folks! I didn’t like this movie. At all. I know that it has a huge fan base and people love it and they have praised it from here to Kingdom Come, but I didn’t like it one little bit. I am surprised because, contrary to popular opinion, I actually liked the remake of this, so I was sure I was going to like the original. How sorely mistaken I was. I will have to rewatch the remake again sometime to compare the two films, but I definitely preferred the remake. Oldboy was an uncomfortable watch from the beginning, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the annoying score, I didn’t like the horrible camera work, I didn’t like the sick and awkward sex scene, I didn’t like that goddamn octopus scene in the manky restaurant… obviously this list can go on and on. I found so much of this film to be unsavoury and undignified, and I didn’t like one moment of it. I have no idea why this film has been lauded by so many. I had issues with the pacing, the tone, the way it was shot and how it looked, as well as what I am assuming was supposed to be humour laced throughout. Maybe this is because I don’t really understand most Asian cultures – this is true, for sure. Maybe it is because I am not interested in Asian cultures whatsoever, and never have been. I know that sounds terrible. Most of the world is fascinated by the East, but I am not at all, just doesn’t tickle my fancy. It’s not even the fact that this is a subtitled film that irritates me, because I love watching foreign movies, or subtitled films – especially when they are good. This was not, and I would not recommend it to anyone. Ever. I know, contrary to popular opinion, but I really disliked this movie, and will in no which way be looking into it again. Waste of my time, really. Ick.

JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Playhouse (2015)

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Holy shit folks! We are back! The completists that Eric of The IPC and I are and all meant that there was no way in hell that we could leave this series unfinished! Even after the massive celebrations of ending that last piece of crap, this one made an appearance and we were all over it – there is no way this franchise will ever die! Keep your eyes peeled, we have so much more in store for y’all!

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SYNOPSIS: Following the tragic death of her parents Fawn Harriman discovers she has inherited a theatre in the town of Amityville. She, along with 3 friends, decides to spend the weekend there looking the place over. Meanwhile one of her High School teachers begins an investigation into the village’s past and makes a connection with something that goes back beyond recorded history. – via IMDB

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Well folks, who the hell knew that I would be back for more of this silly franchise? Well, me. Because I know the franchise blows (let’s not even pretend otherwise), but I am also someone who cannot leave something unfinished, so naturally I was back in action for this, and I do so love working with the Chop, so even if this was where we would begin (to end), I was on board. Even if it makes me the author of my own suffering.

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So. Uhm. The Amityville Playhouse. Right. You know, I don’t usually like to shit all over a movie. It has to be really bad. Like, really bad. Especially when you can see it is a budget film and they were trying. But then there are others that are unforgivable. This? This is one of those. SO BAD. And not the so bad it rocks kind, either. Just plain down atrocious and awful.

There are many fatal flaws to this movie, and I think the biggest offender is the acting. Like holy wow. It was just so stuff. I mean, we have all seen movies/series with some sketchy fucking moves and work from those involved, but this? This is next level man. WOW. Again, not even laughable bad, just so bad I can’t believe that anyone let these poor people put something like this out o.O

The Amityville Playhouse takes itself waaaaaaay too seriously, which is wickedly embarrassing. Pair that with some of the worst dialogue I have ever heard (I actually cringed), awful characters, a stupidly pointless plot (like wtf was that even?!), and some of the slowest, self-centred teens I have ever seen and you get this steaming pile of crap. That dweeb boyfriend? He actually said: “I swear I will pin him down and take a dump on his face. What. The. Fuck. I was sure it couldn’t get worse. I was sure. I was also terribly mistaken.

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The movie honest to goodness even tried to address the gay/straight thing here. Like AWKWARD and does not fit into the whole katoot. Hang on – they actually addressed the whole science vs. religion thing, too o.O There’s even a section on the issue of America, and the slaughter of the Native Americans. Ambitious fucking movie, I tell you!

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I freaking hated the characters. Not just cause they were bad actors, but because, for instance, the lead was so whiny, and then there was her total dweeb of a boyfriend, and an utter, screaming, yelly bitch as the best friend (I just don’t even want to get into this faulty thing). There was so much useless aggression all over the show here, which did not help matters in the slightest.

Let’s take one second to address the ridiculous roars (were those lions? What the fuck was that even all about??) and then, of course, that score. That. Fucking. Score. That thing that never, ever once let up, that was the same few notes on repeat. It hurt me. It really, honestly, truly did. I think that was worst for me. Music and a score and all are supposed to complement a film, not make everything so much more unbearable.

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I have to say, watching these kids, they are a freaking deadpan, meh lot. I swear to goodness, I had way more oomph as a teen. Never mind that, a weekend in a theater? Not a likely scenario, but you better believe we would have made the best of it! We are talking a hardcore party, a jol for days!

So… they are in the UK, and for shits and giggles these teenagers go over to the States to spend a weekend in the theatre? And the teacher skips over the lake as well, just for fun? WTF? Is that what happened? I have no idea! It made no freaking sense!

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This silly movie was entirely and excessively too long. And it was flawed, damaged, and broken. It actually made me yearn for some of the earlier entries. Yes, I said that. This was bad. Everything about this movie was clumsy.

I swear, I got to the end and I was like:

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And then my brain was like:

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As if this franchise is ever gonna throw in the towel. EVER.

I just want to thank the Chop for being such an awesome collaborator to work with, and I am looking forward to future projects!

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The ONLY reason I  ever bothered with this is because I’m a Completist and Zoë and I did a run on the entire franchise – well, and my OCD couldn’t just leave this dangling out there like a dong in the wind, so I rented it and immediately regretted this Terrible and Poor decision making on my behalf about four minutes into the movie. This fucking chick down here, with her fucking bangs, her twisty eyeballs and her fucking pimply chin:

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inherits a fucking movie theater from her fucking dead parents. Turns out she lives in some Canadian province with her Canadian friends and her Canadian school teacher but the theater is in some town called Amityville so they hop in their Canadian cars and head south to check it out. These are five of the worst actors I have ever laid my eyes on and they deliver their lines as pathetically as possible. I can’t really come up with words to explain this but there’s this scene where the five of them are trying to leave the theater and the door is locked.  Imagine for a minute that there is only ONE door in the entire building that violates every fire code in America. Now imagine that you’ve been stuck in a room for eight hours listening to some boring man read you The Telecommunications Act of 1936. In your most bored, tired, uninspired voice, say these words with your friends:

I CAN’T OPEN THE DOOR. THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

WHO LOCKED THE FUCKING DOOR?

I DIDN’T LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR.

I’M SO SCARED. I’VE NEVER BEEN SO SCARED IN MY LIFE.

WE’LL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE. WE’RE GOING TO DIE IN HERE.

I CAN’T OPEN THE DOOR. MY HANDS ARE BLEEDING.

QUIT FUCKING AROUND AND OPEN THE DOOR.

THE DOOR WON’T OPEN. THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

WHY IS THE DOOR LOCKED? I’M SO FUCKING SCARED.

WE’RE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

I’VE NEVER BEEN THIS SCARED IN MY LIFE.

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There is nothing at all good about this movie and the end is so stupid you’ll want to punch yourself in the balls (or other) for watching it. If anyone ever tries to convince you to watch this, do everything you can to immediately shit your pants and take those shit filled underwear and ruggedly place them on whoever suggested this’ head.

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And now, for e very special send off to this pitiful thing, here is an IPC reenactment of the famous door scene! Be careful, there’s lots of F bombs in there… so be sure to play it as loud as possible at your workstation so all of your colleagues can hear it!!

JB!! We did it!!! I can’t believe it!! UGH – what a fucking disaster of a franchise!! Who picked this shit??? I do love working with you but I am so glad this is over!!

Coming soon to a theater near you:

CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY

#theflies #ohmygodtheflies

Rapid Review: Lovely Molly (2011)

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“What ever happens, it wasn’t me.”
– Molly

SYNOPSIS: Newlywed Molly moves into her deceased father’s house in the countryside, where painful memories soon begin to haunt her. – via IMDB

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GRADE 1.5So I couldn’t even remember where I had seen a review of this and decided to check it out. I found out after the fact that it was something that dear Eric liked a lot (this after I told him I was sure I had stumbled upon my next Shitfest entry – when is that happening again???). Well. Pretty much from the off I knew that there were going to be problems with this. And I mean a lot of problems. All good and well we get Half Sack back for something, but it does not mean something good will come for it. For one, I was no fan of the dancing between found footage and regular shot movie. Well, I don’t like found footage usually ever, at all, but really, it was pointless here. The movie was slow, and it never actually divulged anything. It set up for jump scares that never happened, but this wasn’t done successfully where it keeps you on the edge of the seat. Oh  no, this is done in the way where, finally, for half a minute, your interest is piqued for a moment, and then there is no payoff. Meh. Also, nothing was explained. Now, I am not one that likes too much revealed usually. Seriously, less is more at the best of times. I was all good for that, but then you look at certain incidents (a real rapey looking scene against a work wall, a priest dropping to his knees to eat out a naked girl on a porch) and all I can do is wonder why and how we got to this place. It doesn’t even make sense! Not to mention that the performances leave a lot to be desired, and the logic encountered in this film? Next level crazy I tell you! Now, something else that really got under my skin? The character inconsistencies. There is the dear husband, Tim, who seemingly adores his wife. They have no problems, they are happy, not once has there been alluded to that something might be wrong, so when we get to a random scene where he is, uhm, overly cuddly with the neighbour, it just doesn’t make sense at all. I could totally have gotten on board with the concept of her potentially being crazy or the house was crazy or there was some haunting, really, it could have been interesting but it was handled terribly here. I didn’t like any of the characters, so I couldn’t care for them. The movie also felt like it was only about a half century long. Ugh. So much wasted potential. I really thought it would be more (sorry Chop). I was peeved but oh my goodness, my husband was livid and hopping, ready to go out and decree that all filmmakers producing crap like this should be shot, and was ready to start with the guilty parties of this. Luckily, I talked him down. Luckily. He was more pissed about this than It Follows. I didn’t even see the whole “From The Makers of The Blair Witch Project and The Lord of the Rings” until later, but that second name dropping part just pisses me off – this is totally not in the same league. Don’t put it up there. Thank goodness I didn’t see that before I watched it. I am sure that it would have, if possible, just have made this worse than it already was. Somehow, I am sure of this.

Review: Dead Ringer – Jessie Rosen

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I received this book in exchange for an honest review.

SYNOPSIS: From the moment Laura Rivers steps foot into Englewood High, she notices the stares—and they aren’t the typical once-overs every pretty new girl endures. The students seem confused and…spooked. Whispers echoing through the halls confirm that something is seriously off. “That new girl looks just like her,” they say.

It turns out Laura has a doppelgänger, and it isn’t just anyone—it’s Sarah Castro-Tanner, the girl who killed herself by jumping into the Navasink River one year ago.

Laura is determined not to let the gossip ruin her chances of making a fresh start. Thanks to her charming personality and California tan, she catches the eye of Englewood’s undisputed golden boy, Charlie Sanders, and it’s only a matter of time before they make their relationship official.

But something is making Charlie and his friends paranoid—and Laura soon discovers it has to do with Sarah Castro-Tanner.

What really happened to Sarah? Why is Charlie unraveling? And how does Laura Rivers fit into it all?

After all, she’s the dead ringer for a dead girl. – via Goodreads

GRADE 2Me eye is actually twitching as I write this because of my immense frustration. But let me not jump the gun, I think you deserve to know how this played out – and you all know I won’t just give a bad review for no reason. The write up looked like there was some potential, and there was. But this book really isn’t for adults – at least, not adults who read a lot. This is far more suited for young adults/teens or someone who doesn’t read all too much but wants something that will go quickly. Or someone who is looking for the most ludicrous and unbelievable story in the world – again, more on that just now. There was so much that could have been done with this novel had it been set in a more mature environment. Also, the book requires you to suspend belief to a point where I just could not do it anymore. I mean Sasha, this hacker, started at twelve and is that phenomenal less that eighteen months later? It didn’t sit right with me considering just about all my friends (and even my fiancé) are programmers and into IT, so even for me reading some of the computer related things had me rolling my eyes. How convenient. Really. I am not saying you can’t be a hacker at like thirteen, I am saying the way that Rosen handled this was just not on. Let’s also not forget to mention how many times “that night” was brought up and painted to be something super intense. It was brought up so many times you are numbed to the mystery around it, to the point where you don’t even care anymore as to whatever happened “that night”, and whenever it is alluded to, your interest is not piqued, but a little annoyance flares up. There is also a lot of what feels like filler stuff in the novel, and Laura’s character was someone that I could not identify with and didn’t care about in the slightest. Not even a little bit, not even at all. Let’s not even forget about the four major characters outside of Laura: Charlie, Kit, Miller, and Amanda were all silly. None of them meant anything, none of them carried any weight for me. As if I was not irritated enough as is – this freaking book just ends. No joke. I was desperately hoping that the story would wrap up and be done, but no. Never in a million years would I be as fortunate. How could I think that I would be? Har har no. It just ends. Done. No more, no less. So it means there will be another book in what is now going to become a series. Oh man, why?! I just don’t know if I can do it to myself. As it is I felt Dead Ringer dragged on and on and never really went anywhere until the last bit (and boy,  oh boy, was that a kick in the teeth), and everything was so juvenile and convenient and, and, and… no. Just don’t do this to yourself. Ever. For no reason under the sun.

Rapid Review: The Hot Chick (2002)

10

the hot chick poster

“You know what would be a shorter list? All the people that don’t hate Jessica.”
– Lulu

SYNOPSIS: Jessica Spencer, a somewhat mean spirited, popular and beautiful teenager, switches bodies with gas station robber Clive Maxtone one night and wakes up the next morning in his body. Freaked out, she must get her best friend April and two friends Lulu and Keecia to help her figure out what caused this. Along the her journey as a man, she discovers how mean she was and attempts to fix it while trying to get her boyfriend to believe its her. – via IMDB

I'd be pissed, too, if I woke up as Rob Schneider

I’d be pissed, too, if I woke up as Rob Schneider

GRADE 1Right-o, so I got roped into watching this the other night for a girls night once. This is totally not my cup of tea, but I figured I could go for something out of character and watch some ridiculous chick flicks. This was just way too out of character for me. I hate stupid humour, I do. I am certainly no fan of this. We can start with Rob Schneider. He truly irritates me beyond comprehension, plus I was submitted to watching a bunch of plastics instantaneously buy into this thing of an older dude housing a young girl, and all banding together (suddenly all grand friends) to help a girl who was most certainly a bitch to recover her body, or make do in life in this man’s. There were a few moments where things were tolerable, but overall, this is just so not my scene at all. I don’t know, I know I might be looking too closely at the plot (of which there is none) or at the acting (which was relatively dismal at the best of times) and all that, I know that it shouldn’t be taken too seriously, but this movie cannot even boast having a moral at the end of it all. I mean seriously?! Also, a big problem I had is that I do not enjoy stupid humour (as I have mentioned), and this was stuffed chock-full of it. This movie was pretty lame with a lot of ridiculous parts, humour that was just not on at the best of times, and Schneider as a lead? I knew it would be painful. Oh well, not something I will be going back to, and not something I can recommend, either. Skip it!