Scream: Season 2 (2016)

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scream season 2 poster

*CONTAINS SPOILERS*

What I liked:

  • Noah. Foster. Again, the dude is mah spirit animal and I absolutely adore him. He is geeky, awkward, crazy as heck, a little more withdrawn in this season, but whatever. As long as he is here 😀 Also liked seeing him try to get back on the dating horse again – gosh, it is awkward (just think of that condom shopping, and his interactions with Zoe), but I am happy for him!

scream-season-2-noah-dreams

  • The new sheriff, Acosta. He is a different kind of beast, but I like the way he approaches situations and handles things.
  • Still a big fan of the throwbacks, the rules, Noah’s podcast voicing so much, as well as how meta and aware the show is at the best of times.
  • The dynamics between the Lakewood Six. Really cool friendships have developed between these kids.

scream-season-2-emma-ghostface

What I didn’t like:

  • The score. I totally forgot how crap the music was for this show. It is really sad though, because I think it really detracts from the show.
  • Emma Duval. I know she is our main peanut and all, but she still really annoys me – she is never going to be Sidney Prescott.
  • The blackmail. I don’t know – but I think the blackmail paired with this horrendous score made me think of Pretty Little Liars, and that is not a compliment. Okay, and the phone call games made me think of Saw.
  • How bland and boring this season was at the best of times. Disappointing.
  • A lot of story lines got introduced and then randomly dropped, which was really annoying.
  • The MAJOR PLOTSIE at the end was totally not as shocking as they would have wanted it to be. Something I have wondered about since season one, and I think the implementation of it when all is said and done here at the end of this was a bit messy.

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Rating:

Alright, so this silly show has is sort of like a guilty little pleasure of mine. I say this because the show is undoubtedly messy, and it is super flawed, but it is also stupidly entertaining, and for that I will have to give it credit. Anyway, I didn’t rush when I saw there was a new season because, well, I totally had bigger fish to fry, but eventually I had some time to fill with something else. This was that something else.

This season was so much tamer than last season. There were no shocking deaths, the gore was not as out there as last season, and it was truly a lot slower and more bland than season one, which is a pity, but also sort of something I expected. There were also other issues that we will get into as I go along, but there were also good things.

Let’s start with Noah Foster still being the king and the biggest reason that I watch this show. For realsies, that guy is my spirit animal, and I absolutely adore him. What a sweetie! I found that he was a lot more reserved this season as opposed to the last one, and while I still admire him, I wish he had some more oomph. It was great to see him get back into the dating game because seriously, this guy is an insanely awkward turkey! Also, his antics in getting laid? That condom shopping? That had me in absolute stitches, and this whole season is pretty much worth watching just for that. I really liked him and Zoe together, so I was quite sad that Noah had the world dumped on his shoulders again.

scream-season-2-noah-and-zoe-omg

Another thing I really liked is to see the friendships that have developed between the Lakewood Six, what with the survival of the psycho (but not shocking) Piper Shaw. I guess something like that is sure to bring everyone closer. I would have loved to have seen more Audrey and Noah in this one. I thought they didn’t get enough time together – seriously, the guy couldn’t even see that she was super jumpy after the whole Piper thing? I thought it was nice to see how Brooke fits in with the others. Speaking of Brooke – I thought it was awful that Jake was barely even buried and she had taken up with Gustavo already. Girl, really???

I had an absolute ball when Audrey pointed out to Emma that not everything is about her. It really took way too long for someone to open up their damn mouths and point out the painfully obvious. I know we are supposed to like Emma, but she really grates on me. I find her to be quite spineless and insipid, neither characteristics that will ever endear her to me. While we are at it, what the heck is the obsession with Emma? Eli is the new one to add to this mix, and the guy is creepy as hell, no lies. I was not a fan of him at all. Icky, and dude, that is your cousin’s girlfriend, have some respect and go fish somewhere else! Not to mention Mr Branson and his teen obsession popping up here again – nasty, man!

scream-audrey-and-brooke

The big reveal at the end about the new villain was so not a shocker – in fact, I have been waiting for something in this line since the first season. It was not revolutionary, and I don’t think it was handled well either. Not because the actors didn’t pull it off, but because they were let down by a faulty script. Shame, too. While we are at the big shootout and all, how many freaking rounds can that gun hold?! I could not buy into it. What madness!

Anyway, definitely a slower season than last, and not nearly as edgy, nor as unsafe for the characters as season one, Scream season 2 is still not the worst way to burn through some time, specially when you don’t really have to invest too much, or think further than “these stupid kids”. There isn’t really much more to say on the matter.

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Review: My Bloody Valentine (1981)

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“Beware of having a party at all on Saturday night! You may not live to see daylight!”
– Happy

SYNOPSIS: A decades-old folk tale surrounding a deranged murderer killing those who celebrate Valentine’s Day turns out to be true to legend when a group defies the killer’s order and people start turning up dead. – via IMDB

I watched the 2009 remake a few years back and had an absolute blast with it, and figured I should definitely go check out the original then. Well, after all this time I finally got to it and boy, I was not a fan. Coming in at only ninety minutes long, it felt like this was just never going to end – ever. It was painful, and I watched it over a few days.

I don’t know, this just wasn’t my jam. I thought it would be, but there was so much missing here, and it was the bad kind of cheesy to boot, which is unfortunate. Oh well. Plus, no eye candy for me. So I had nobody to watch, and it was chock full of awful characters that I just didn’t like and didn’t care about, with some super crappy dialogue and some sketchy acting. Man, this was just not going to go well. And then, of course, there was the music… dear world, it was just too much.

I feel like my time was wasted here. The whole movie was a lacklustre affair and wasted potential. Yes, we all know how teen slashers are supposed to work and all that, but this was just not my cup of tea, and it was really dated. I just look at how well they pulled this together for the 2009 remake, and think it a pity that this was just… well, wasted. It was embarrassing to watch and annoying at the best of times, and considering the story it had to tell, it could have been more. Instead… no. Just no.

Anyway, there really isn’t much to say here except I found this boring and bad and not worth the watch at all. I am going to let it go right there as I could seriously not be bothered to give this a more in depth look.

JB & The Chop Do: Scream 4 (2011)

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JB & THE CHOP SCREAM

After taking such a long hiatus – and relieving the public of my constant shame – I want to say that I have had a shitload of fun doing this again, JB. Thanks for not giving up on me :  ) I haven’t exactly loved these Scream movies BUT I didn’t grow up on them like you did. I wonder what we can pick next… maybe something older – like ME! I remember the 90s as my young 20s when I moved out of my mom’s and went to college and had to start paying bills and shit and working 90 hours a week (for real). Those aren’t my fondest memories CRY CRY CRY. But, with that, I had to say this was probably my favorite one of the bunch… *walks slowly backwards out of the room….

scream 4 poster

SYNOPSIS: Ten years have passed, and Sidney Prescott, who has put herself back together thanks in part to her writing, is visited by the Ghostface Killer. – via IMDB

CHOP SCREAM

What made me like it the most out of the four? It came out in 2011 so it was a little more modern. It was definitely much  more gory,  #guts . Dewey seems to be back to his role as an inept #dingdong . I know the cast is principally the same but I liked the cameos. This came out right when True Blood was popular so I wonder how much they had to pay Anna Paquin and her #legs to be in this for two minutes? I also liked the fact that the killer made sense this time even though I still think the costume is not #tits . If you don’t get that reference, you can search my site for the three page explanation of how that term came into my life. Searching that word on my site will take you to probably 1000 of the 1300+ posts out there. Go find it and get back to me here. Maybe you’ll win a prize! A #booby prize!

Plus – Marley Shelton??? #??????????? any movie with her in it gets extra marks from me.

I also like Emma Roberts. I don’t think JB does but I do – I really liked her in Scream Queens.

You know what I didn’t like? This asshole’s hairdo. (Not the chick). A man’s hair should never blow in the wind! #fuckinhippies

I also really liked the publicist:

Where have I seen her before??? OH YEAH! She’s one of the leads from GLOW!

I loved that show! Bring on season two! More #spandex and #chickfights and #cleavage and #bighair and #showerscenes . #hashtag

I always try and end these runs with a nice thank you to the beloved JB, not that that happens consistently but… even though JB and I live on different continents, if it ever came down to it, and I was a zombie:

It gives It permission to end It without repercussions. It does not want It to end It in any way, but It saw this image and it made It think of It.

Always love,

It

JB SCREAM

And here we are, the final movie. Thank you all for sticking with us, reading, commenting, everything. As always, we appreciate it! It’s been a blast, and hopefully we will be back soon with something new!

I think that this is a damn fine entry to the series, especially after so many years passing in between. More solid than the last, that is for sure, and I really liked how it took the concept of Scream and modernised it to cellphones, vlogging, etc. So much has changed! I will always be a fan of the fact that the same cast has always returned for their roles, it just gives the whole experience a more cohesive and authentic feeling, which is awesome. I really like how these movies are all solid – truly, how many franchises can say that they have so many entries and that they are all well worth watching? *cough* Amityville *cough*

scream 4 don't fuck with the original

Thank goodness Cox’s hair was sorted out – Scream 3 did her no wonders whatsoever, and whoever styled her hair with that fringe should have been shot. Seriously. Her and Dewey being together is adorable, and I will not lie, that blonde woman, Hicks, who was hitting on Dewey? Really made me angry :/ Stay away or go find an available man, hooker! Even though the Chop thinks she is hot. Which is fine. But she must back off the Gale/Dewey thing!

And yes, the Chop is 100% right – I am still not sold on Emma Roberts. Even her face just looks like a spoiled brat to me, and she always comes across like that, too. Ugh. She isn’t even that great an actress (or I have yet to see her in anything where she wows me, at any rate).

Scream 4 brings on the slashing, the guts, the gore, some humour, more movie references than you can shake a stick at and all most all of our favourite characters. *cough cough* no Randy ;( The rules have been updated, too, for a more modern set, and it works for this. When this first came I just didn’t watch it, because… well… what if it didn’t end well? When I finally got to it I was pleasantly surprised, and definitely rank this over Scream 3.

scream 4 i'm gay rule

I almost died when they tried to call Rory Culkin’s Charlie Walker this generation’s Billy Loomis. Are you freaking kidding me?????? Are you?????? I mean I get the updating and all of that but… but… yeah. Still not, though I did like how he was worked with in this.

scream 4 ghostface door

Hayden Panettiere (who I am sure will always be Claire, the cheerleader, for me) initially struck me as potentially out of place in this, but fast becomes a fan favourite, she’s awesome.

scream 4 trying to do ghostface

Anyway, after all is said and done, I just want to thank Eric from the bottom of my heart for doing these movies with me! I am glad to see you liked them, even if you didn’t love them! I am so excited for any and all future projects that we will do together (and damn, those Amityville movies are racking up again). This is always fun and you rock 😀

PS: It loves Its picture, but It will not be ending It in a hurry!

JB & The Chop Do: Scream 3 (2000)

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JB & THE CHOP SCREAM

Peeps! We are totally on a roll with these movies, the most awesome Chop and I! Man, I have been having a blast, and I am thrilled the Chop was game to do another one of these. So now we are on to the third part of the original trilogy. This is, in my opinion, the weakest of the four Scream films… but what did PSC think of this thing?

scream 3 poster

SYNOPSIS: While “Stab 3” is in production, somebody in a ghost mask starts to murder the new cast members. This lures Sidney out from hiding deep in the woods where she lives, and she comes to Hollywood to face the killer for the final act. – via IMDB

JB SCREAM

So let me immediately start out by saying that Courtney Cox’s hairdresser completely screwed up her hair. Gale is this hot, tenacious reporter with very few qualms. Then she’s back here, and she is all those things but that fringe. Plus her wardrobe. Okay, there was just a lot appearance-wise that was just not working for her in this. Goodness. It was like a horror movie all on its own!

This one certainly lacked the charm of the previous two. I appreciated what was being done here, though I was not a big fan of everything being “the movies” and “on set”. It was gimmicky and didn’t work for very long. Scream 3 is certainly the flimsiest of the lot – the story is absolutely ridiculous, but what saves this is the consistency – seriously, the story, the actors reprising their roles, the humour, Sidney still wearing Derek’s necklace, it all works so well in keeping this movie afloat more so than it would otherwise have worked.

Randy Meeks got a little cameo, which was cool.

Neve Campbell truly is fantastic as Sidney, and she is one of my all time favourite horror movie heroines. She just won’t make anything easy for anyone and stands her ground. She is afraid, but she is also sick and tired of all the bullshit. Much love man, much love.

scream 3 it's your turn to scream

The “romance” of the phone calls has been lost, there are calls, but more often than not, like the last, it is more about slashing and killing than anything else. Scream 3 totally delivers on the gore and all, but yeah, there was just something missing.

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Totally stoked to see Gale and Dewey back at it again – this is a romance I will always love. It is just so silly and it works.

Parker Posey irritates the ever-loving crap out of me always, and this movie was no exception. Aside from the silly story, I think she is the main culprit as to why this movie is not a little higher in my esteem, though I still enjoy it. She is grating, annoying, loud, ridiculous, and just all round grating. I don’t ever find her to be an asset or a selling point in a cast.

scream 3 i'm the killer

Anyway, Scream 3 is still fun, though definitely a decline after the other two, but miles ahead of most horror/shasher sequels. The reasoning and explanations get pretty fucking thin (har har) here, but it still entertains nonetheless, and the consistency of these movies elevates it. Much fun.

CHOP SCREAM

Scream 3! The last one! Bangs! Like I’ve said before, I’m not really familiar with these things, but I did find myself laughing a few times in this. Was this supposed to be more of a horror comedy? Or was this supposed to be a horror and the new writer through in some laughs? I know all three of these have aimed to poke fun at themselves for being a horror movie, sequel, etc but this one was kind of funny. Mostly with these two:

I’ve NEVER been a fan of Parker Posey but for some reason I liked her in this. She’s kind of…. dumb but hangs in there. When her and Bangs start screaming and running around with their arms flailing in the air, I liked it. LOL They also had some of the better lines. I liked it when Cox was tied up, off screen and she yells, “SHOOT THE FUCKER!”

I also see Jenny McCarthy’s in here. Obviously for her very good acting skills.

Plus, she really just screams purple!

The keen eye will also notice Emily Mortimer’s décolletage – look at me using fancy words!

I remember when this guy was popular as a kid – before JB was even born. Then he was popular again on that TV show which I never understood. My bad, I guess. Nice hair, bro.

So someone else has a hood and a mask and a knife and a voice altering device. He or she is going around stabbing people and throwing them through glass doors. While this one was bloodier and décolletage-ier, I thought this was pretty flimsy. Like – there’s this one scene where Campbell is running away from the ghost face guy and she opens this door on a movie set and almost falls to her death but then, when she pushes ghosty out the door he falls onto a bed that wasn’t there three seconds before.

Or, during the big climax-explain-why-hes-doing-all-of-this scene, he’s talking to her for several minutes in the killer voice but he’s not even holding the voice modulator to his mouth… because he can’t…. because he’s wearing a fucking mask! Plus, the whole reasons why this person decided to mass murder all of these people in cold blood was kind of stupid. It was kind of the cinematic rendering of this:

Meanwhile, not only were there Creed posters on the wall of the movie-set’s house, there were Creed songs played over the credits. So, speaking of asses:

Anthony Scott Stapp. Get it?? A.S.S. Get it???? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAH I fucking crack myself up. I’ve already watched number 4 by now so I can say – YUM

JB & The Chop Do: Scream 2 (1997)

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JB & THE CHOP SCREAM

“A year after running over a fisherman and dumping his body in the water, four friends reconvene when Julie receives a frightening letter telling her that their crime was seen. While pursuing who he thinks is responsible for the letter, Barry is run over by a man with a meat hook. The bloodletting only increases from there, as the killer with the hook continues to stalk Julie, Helen and Ray.”

Oh wait…. WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH????

scream 2 poster

SYNOPSIS: Two years after the first series of murders, a new psychopath dons the Ghostface costume and a new string of killings begins. – via IMDB

CHOP SCREAM

For The Good Reader / Zutsonian with a keen eye (it seems paying attention these days is something a lot of people aren’t fond of) the team-up for the first Scream we put out was drafted over two years ago. Since then, I have spent over a year in a foreign land, living in a hotel and eating shit food until a few months ago when things started calming down and I was able to get a laptop back in action. Note: I am NOT fucking patient or OCD free enough to try and do posts on a tablet or phone. Anyway, since time is still precious, my entry here will probably be written in two parts before it goes live, so here’s Part One.

“A guy can’t even take a fucking piss….” that’s actually a quote from Angel Heart (maybe not [sic]) and it may or may not apply here but, I thought it was laughable that these two fellows were off pissing in their ROBES and MASKS setting up the first kill.

  1. As a male, normally, you have to be able to handle the thing that releases the pee – which is why the Benevolent Creator (as it is, whatever you believe in) allowed humans to invent the slit in the front of the pants or, at least, a tie string so we can drop them and let go #zippers
  2. The male human has to be able to see the thing that releases the pee in order to aim or else you fucking piss all over the floor and, likely, your fucking feet. Despite the fact that these people can somehow see through the ‘ghostface’ masks and run around all over the place, they probably really can’t and just befouled the floor and their shoes
  3.  True story that no one will get: about 25 years ago I was at a St Patrick’s Day event at a local bar and went to piss. If you’re not familiar with urinals, you should educate yourself but I was having a good, solid, beer infused whizz, looked over and a popular sports celebrity was peeing next to me. I smiled, stabilized my drunken self, and I noticed was peeing all over his leg. #fuckingclassy #calegundy

Watching this, It’s not so fucking 90s as I remember the first one being but it’s weird seeing a bunch of these folks so young and skinny. I’m a huge fan of Ray Donovan (Liev Schreiber), Timothy Olyphant (you name it), Portia de Rossi (married to Ellen DeGeneres) (or was, that could have changed since I paid attention) but what I thought was the most funny thing, Rebecca Gayheart… I remember when I was a kid, having the hots for her in her OxyClean or Noxzema face cleaning ointment commercials. That picture, while digital, is probably older than JB.

Up next: Part 2:

Speaking of Timothy Olyphant, I see he’s wearing some sort of shirt and has a visible sleeveless undershirt on underneath it. I’ve never understood this. My lifelong understanding of wearing an undershirt was to prevent your armpit sweat from showing or staining your good shirt you have on to impress people. What’s the fucking point of not covering your armpits? Why wear two sets of shirts for no reason. I guess, if these things aren’t popular overseas, here’s what I’m talking about:

Jeez, nice thighs, man. The movie? I think I liked it more than the first. I liked the new cast better and it was “less 90s”. Plus there was some Foo Fighters in there. You can’t go wrong with a little Foo. It was basically the same story as the first, with more blood – which is something they talk about early on in “Film Study”. Now let’s pass the mic over to JB. Oh, since I know JB loves GIFs, I better include one.

JB SCREAM

Sequels aren’t usually that good, we all know that. It is a topic that this sequel harps on about, and it is  actually successful. For one, I still had an absolute blast with this movie, how conscious it is of the type of film it is, how it mocks and taunts again, even after having done all those things. Scream 2 manages to pull it off. Hell, it even has a (really) brief glimpse of Joshua Jackson in it, so there aren’t complaints for me – except maybe that it could have been more Joshua Jackson????? I need eye candy too!

Screw it, I will provide my own… just the one, I swear…

Anyway, let’s get to the movie. Super big fan of having Dewey back, and watching him argue and snipe at Gale is adorable. Seriously, I absolutely love watching these two together. It is sweet and it is seriously funny, too! David Arquette and Courtney Cox have fantastic chemistry. Sidney Prescott is back and kicking some major ass again, not to mention Gale laying down the law, too. There are a lot of throwbacks to the first movie here, but it all works. Scream 2 knows what it is and apologetically rolls with it.

Now, on to… *drum roll*

THE UNFORGIVABLE DEATH OF RANDY MEEKS

This! Fuck! Why?! This still rankles. I get why it would happen (do I really???). Doesn’t mean I gotta like it. And I don’t. I hatessssss it!

In Randy’s words, “Fuuuuuuuuuck yoooooou.”

scream 2 randy

Gale develops quite a bit more in this one, which is good. She’s still a bitch, but Gale is fantastic. Cotton Weary plays a bigger role in this one, but I still don’t like the damn creep. Icky, icky, icky.

We get tons of blood, tons of fun, tons of chases and tension and games, and plenty to quote. I thoroughly enjoy the humour in Scream, it just gels with me. In short, Scream 2 delivers everything you could want from a sequel.

Okay, this is the last one. I swear.

JB & The Chop Do: Scream (1996)

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JB & THE CHOP SCREAM

What the what?! Yes, you are seeing this correctly! The Chop and I return! We are back in business peeps! After all this time! This time we are back to see what we make of Craven’s slasher franchise. So gear up, get ready, and let it be like old times with our latest crazy collaboration!

scream movie poster

SYNOPSIS: A group of teens are pitted against a masked murderer that tests their knowledge of horror movies. – via IMDB

JB SCREAM

What? A Scream collaboration with the Chop? YES! Dreams! You all know I have crazy love for this. Like, it is madness. My husband laughs at me, he thinks I have lost my mind, but he lets me get into it every time. It is one of my favourite things to watch, and something that gets my attention multiple times a year. I even recently got myself a Scream themed backpack, and I fucking love it!

I grew up watching the Scream movies, and as I have gotten older, I have seen there is even more to appreciate than I ever really realised as a kid – so they are both sentimental and smart for me, so winning! Scream is a stroke of genius. Why? Because it mocks on horror movies, does its thing, conforms (and yet stays original and fresh) and teases and jokes.

scream 1 bad movies

Scream also heralds one of the most memorable opening scenes ever. Wow. It stays with you and is handled so damn well, hooking you in the opening minutes. Barrymore was perfect as Casey, introducing the creepy call, and her death totally sets the bloody style for the movies right off the bat. So good!

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Let’s not pretend Scream isn’t nineties as fuck, but you know what? It works for it. This movie just owns everything. I have serious feelings of nostalgia when it comes to these movies, and I know there are others out there. Love, love, love this, as you can all surely tell 😀

Then there is Sidney Prescott. For reals, this girl is a freaking awesome Final Girl. She doesn’t take flak, she puts up a fight, and she really goes for it. Sassy, smart, survival.

scream sidney

Speaking of specific characters, we cannot forget fan favourites Deputy Dewey and Randy. Man, Dewey you cannot help but adore, and Arquette is brilliant. Then, of course, there is Randy, the signature film geek you gotta love man. I enjoyed his references.

scraem randy meeks bullshit reason

Scream has fun extolling the rules of the horror/slasher genre, and balances this so well with the movie. We get a fun movie, not something to be taken too seriously, but that still brings the gore, the tension, and the blood to the table. What more could you ask for?!

scream rules

Also, gotta say, while he is not everyone’s cup of tea (and he isn’t even my cup of tea), Skeet Ulrich is doing the most messed up stuff here, but looks damn fine while doing it (I am specifically looking at all at the end – yes, I know how psycho that sounds).

billy loomis scream corn syrupbill scream knife hot

Anyway, I say again, I fucking love Scream. I am going to stop here because I have reviewed these and discussed these all over the show, so I am going to leave it at these movies are awesome. I am looking forward to covering all of this with my partner in collaboration crime Eric. Much fun ahead. Now that you all know what I have to say about it, what did the Chop think?!

CHOP SCREAM

1st off – I would like to say THANK YOU to our JB for agreeing to do another series with me. I was afraid I scared her clean off after the Amityville run. When she came back around and asked if I wanted to do the Scream series, I was all “sure thing – I think I’ve only seen one of them” and now – WE’RE BACK!!!!!

Here’s my history with Scream: I really do remember when this came out and I really do remember that this was featured in the commercials here, where I live:

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Obviously, I was intrigued but in 1996 I was going through a divorce and living in this shit-cheap apartment that was built back in the 1930s that really did have a BOILER in the corner for heat. That winter was VERY hard and cold and I basically had to sleep on the floor by the thing to try and stay warm at night. Anyway – one night, my friend and I went downtown to this bar and this band called Jackyl was playing behind it so we went out to drink beer and watch the show.  I’ve never been a really upfront/alpha kind of guy with the ladies – I’ve always let them seek me out – but, for some reason I started lurking lingering around this chick and let her sit on my shoulders to see the band and she ended up following me (us) home.

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As things turned out, she had a bootleg copy of this movie on VHS so we popped it in and got under the blanket and started watching it and then *ahem* #romance happened and we never finished it. I also didn’t want to be in a relationship again so I never called her even though that was some of the best #romance I ever had. Several years later I was living with my girlfriend at the time who was totally cheating on me and one night we started watching Scream 3 and got most of the way through it before #romance happened so I’ve never really seen one of these all the way through.

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Until now, but unfortunately there hasn’t been any #romance as a result of it although earlier I went and got my copy of True Detective back from my coworker since I’m leaving this place and I’ll never see her again and she said she’d be happy to be in my movie I’m working on and she’s willing to show her boobs if need be, so there’s that. Actually, I guess by the time this posts I’ll no longer be employed here so, hi Future Eric – remember to text XXXXXXXXXXX.

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As for Scream – I thought it was good enough. I know I’m the old man of the group, so I didn’t grow up with these like JB and others did so it didn’t resonate with me in all of it’s 90s-ness like it will most people. I thought the “ghostface” costume was dumb and NOT scary and the wardrobes were awful – I half expected the cast to have their acid washed Guess? jeans cuffs pinched and rolled up over their ankles while they smoked Marlboro Light Shorts out of a box. They used to call that the French Rolled or Penny Rolling look around here and it was AWFUL but it looks like rolled up cuffs are making a comeback in Europe and they’re calling it “Pinrolling”. Shit.

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Regarding the movie in general, I thought the cast did a good job and it was a lot bloodier than I thought it would be but I got kind of tired of the constant movie references and Matthew Lillard (who I like) drove me crazy at the end. If you’re not familiar with him you might remember him as:

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I guess that’s it – I liked it enough and David Arquette was actually decent considering the giant douche he can be. Hopefully these get less 90s as they progress.

Sporadic Chronicles of a Beginner Blogger Trivia #1: due to the way I grew a great deal taller before everyone else and my lean physique, my nick name in high school was “Shaggy”.

Sporadic Chronicles of a Beginner Blogger Trivia #2: Sadly, that was not my nickname because I shagged all the hot chicks around town.

Review: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)

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“Bless me father, for I have sinned. It’s been a year since my last confession. I’ve never told anyone about this. Not my mom, not the police, or not even my friends, except for the ones who were there, well, they’re not around anymore. You see I, I killed a man, but it was an accident.”
– Julie James

SYNOPSIS: Ever since killing the Fisherman one year ago, Julie James is still haunted by images of him after her, causes her relationship with Ray Bronson to suffer further. When her best friend Karla Wilson wins free tickets to the Bahamas, Julie finds this a perfect opportunity to finally relax. But someone is waiting for her. Someone who she thought was dead. Someone who is out again for revenge. – via IMDB

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GRADE 1Goodness. If you thought the last one was bad, then there is this one. Makes the last one look absolutely freaking phenomenal. This one is so cheesy, too much for me to even handle. The dialogue is so bad is made me cringe over and over. The whole concept was a mess, too. This girl winning a random Fourth of July trip to the Bahamas? Uhm, sure then. It was implemented terribly.

Let’s not forget the awful relationship between Ray and Julie. After the super soppy conclusion of the last one, you would think they are in heaven? Hells no! That would be too easy. Let them fight and argue all the time, make Ray out to be the tool (pffffffff – typical), and throw in Julie’s best friend, constantly telling Julie she should drop Ray (!!!!!) for Will. What a stand up friend! The characters overall were just awful. I think the most offensive one was Tyrell – what a sex crazed douche man.

Okay, back to the atrocious movie. So these friends go to the Bahamas, which is naturally deserted. You need an empty island, man! Also, there was that stupid, perfunctory fight between Julie and Ray, so she is out with her three friends (one being the icky Will), and Ray has been attacked while on the way to make up for the stupid fight with Julie. Ugh, the dramatics and nasty plot devices man. How weak. Jack Black, too, was here, and you all know what a HUGE fan I am (please do not miss my sarcasm). That only caused for more irritation for me.

The logic is so broken, and the story is beyond ridiculous, and the movie is crammed with these lame ass attempted jump scares. The acting is awkward, too. I will always love the way that the bodies and blood in these movies magically disappear within moments, so that someone just looks mad? Ugh, as if this movie wasn’t offensive enough, it actually tried to bring in voodoo and an elaborate backstory, which was just outright embarrassing. The plot twist was also predictable to boot, and the movie was unnecessarily long. No, this isn’t even like a fun slasher or anything. It is bad. Skip the damn thing! If you must, watch the first, but not this.

Review: I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)

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“We killed a man and ruined the lives of everyone he knew.”
– Julie James

SYNOPSIS: After an accident on a winding road, four teens make the fatal mistake of dumping their victim’s body into the sea. But exactly one year later, the dead man returns from his watery grave and he’s looking for more than an apology. – via IMDB

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GRADE 5This was big when I was a rugrat. I mean huge. This is something I saw quite a few times. I might not have loved the crap out of it then, but it was okay. Seeing it all these years later? Sheesh. There really were some bad flicks that came out in the nineties. It’s like… the film is actually pretty funny because it is so silly, but it tries to take itself too seriously, and that is what hurts it.

Anyway, I don’t have an awful lot to say. I can’t help but think that this film embodied the nineties in so many ways – I think the most obvious is the stars attached to it. Ryan Phillippe nails that rich, crazy, spoiled brat, and this was no exception. This was, however, one of the times I was not a big fan of him, and I usually enjoy him. I think it is more his character than him, but he was still just a meh character all round. The cast wasn’t actually bad. Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Ryan Phillippe, Freddie Prinze Jr, and Sarah Michelle Gellar? They all delivered their totally one dimensional characters just fine. Corny lines and all.

Anyway, the premise to this is actually so weak and over the top silly. I mean come on! These kids all look like they have been through the wringer, and nobody is wondering what the hell happened to this tight-knit group of elite friends to reduce them all to absolutely nothing? I don’t buy it. I really don’t. The movie was chock full of any type of horror cliché it could squeeze into it, and was predictable, but still relatively entertaining when all is said and done. It is fluffy and light and silly. The villain is actually so ridiculous, and that also really hurts the movie. The super sappy ending also didn’t help matters, either. My eyes went a-rolling.

Typical nineties teen slasher with a very recognizable cast, but ultimately is quite the flat, uninspired experience and doesn’t have much going for it. There are infinitely better popcorn entertainment horror/slasher movies out there to keep yourself busy with. I certainly won’t be rushing to rewatch this and its questionable content anytime soon.

Rapid Review: Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

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“We’re not talking about any ordinary prisoner, Hoffman! We are talking about evil on two legs.”
– Dr Sam Loomis

SYNOPSIS: Ten years after his original massacre, the invalid Michael Myers awakens and returns to Haddonfield to kill his seven-year-old niece on Halloween. Can Dr. Loomis stop him? – via IMDB

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Because someone was so kind as to show exactly where the mask came from.

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GRADE 6.5And so we see the return of Michael Myers (entire pun intended), and I was pleased. I honestly think that this movie is better than people give it credit for. Sure, there are flaws, but it is a horror/slasher flick and they are always riddled with such things. Looking beyond that, I would like to point out that the acting is pretty damn solid all around, especially from Danielle Harris, Ellie Cornell, and Donald Pleasence. They really do own this, and Harris impressed for such a young girl. The music was not as effective in this one as previous installments though, which was a pity. I enjoyed the throwbacks that were peppered throughout the film. A big one for me was Jamie sporting the clown outfit – seriously, this Myers family, man! Michael was more brutal in this one and definitely more supernatural than ever before, though my favourite rendition of him (so far) is still the first one. I was really happy that Loomis was (surprise surprise) not dead after Halloween II. Watching this, I was just horrified to (again) see how messed up kids are –  the kids that bullied Jamie, as well as Brady jumping ship from Rachel the moment she had to babysit. You asshole. Speaking of – that provided the teen drama angle here. I am still not sure how I feel about the end – a stroke of genius, or just super sudden and uncalled for? Jarring? This was another suspenseful slow burn, not too much gore, but did not focus on the atmosphere a heck of a lot. I think this movie gets way too much flak – while it is not brilliant, it is not a bad sequel, and it is plenty entertaining.

Rapid Review: Halloween II (1981)

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“He was my patient for fifteen years. He became an obsession with me until I realized that there was nothing within him, neither conscious nor reason that was… even remotely human.”
– Dr Sam Loomis

SYNOPSIS: While Sheriff Brackett and Dr. Loomis hunt for Michael Myers, a traumatized Laurie is rushed to hospital, and the serial killer is not far behind her. – via IMDB

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GRADE 7.5The first sequel to Halloween is not bad. In fact, it is a darn solid entry, if you ask me. It takes place on the same night as its predecessor, and pretty much entirely goes down at the Haddonfield Memorial Hospital, and that’s great. Initially when watching this, I thought the sheriff was awfully calm about his daughter Annie being killed, only to find out he had not been informed of this development, and then he did his nut, which was far more realistic. The iconic score is back and kicking, and cuckoo-katchoo Michael Myers is back on the hunt for Laurie. When Laurie woke in the hospital with Jimmy stroking her hand, I was like “wtf”, because let me tell you, if I woke up in hospital with some random stranger stroking my hand, there would be hell to pay. No kidding. No touchy, man! The direct continuation from the last movie is interesting, and makes it nice to watch back to back with the initial film as a marathon. It doesn’t bring anything super new to the table, and the plot progression barrels along. I don’t feel that the characters got as much development here as they did in the last movie, but they were still really fun to watch. Myers was way more aggressive in this one. The deaths improved here, too, which just goes to show what a little bit of extra budget can do. Loomis and Laurie were both excellent characters, and Pleasence and Curtis were brilliant picks to play them. Anyway, the atmosphere was maybe not as creepy as the last, but Halloween II is a solid movie that is well worth a watch, and complements the original every step of the way. Check it out!