Review: American Satan (2017)

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“Okay, okay, fine. So, what else do you do?”
– Ricky Rollins

SYNOPSIS: A young rock band, half of its members from England and half from the U.S., drops out of college and moves to the Sunset Strip to chase their dreams. – via IMDB

So we were recommended this by a fellow metalhead friend, so naturally my husband and I were sold. We love metal, we love movies, we had hope. After watching the trailer, we thought that this was a pretty solid looking movie. So we hopped up for American Satan, and ultimately it was a really mixed bag for us.

While watching, my husband and I were a bit let down by the music. It’s just not our type of metal – which is not to say that this is bad, it just isn’t our cup of tea. I still commented that it reminded me of that angsty, screamo type stuff like Black Veil Brides/bands of that ilk. I then found out after that Biersack is the BVB lead o.O So, there was that. But anyway. Moving on from the music – the movie itself wasn’t too shabby. I mean, it escalated really quickly, from like “we’re in L.A. and we are going to do what we must to make it”, to “fuck yeah, lemme kill that dude and sell my soul to Satan for fame”.

Naturally, you can’t look too closely at the logic in a movie like this, even though the escalation was super rapid and super extreme. I did like watching how the band went from one thing to this huge beast, and it was interesting to see how it all plays out, how the band influences the masses, etc. Naturally what follows is the expected debauchery and insanity of a big rock band on tour. There are plot holes, for sure, but for the most part, just sit back and go with it.

So not all the acting was top notch or perfect in this, and there were times where it was a little cringy and awkward, but it still worked. I liked watching certain friendships, and I liked the fact that this movie didn’t look like some really cheap movie – which is good. A lot of times, movies like this won’t necessarily look like films that had money to play with. So it looks good and it doesn’t pretend to be anything it isn’t, and I liked the satire it presented on the music industry peppered throughout.

I was looking forward to this after hearing about it, and while it didn’t necessarily deliver all the goods, it wasn’t an awful watch. The music might not have been my jam, but it was nice to see a metal movie. It’s worth a look see, at the very least, if you are into metal.

Rapid Review: Halloween II (2009)

5

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“Hey, world! Guess what? I’m Michael Myers’ sister!”
– Laurie Strode

SYNOPSIS: Laurie Strode struggles to come to terms with her brother Michael’s deadly return to Haddonfield, Illinois; meanwhile, Michael prepares for another reunion with his sister. – via IMDB

micheal-myers-halloween-ii-2009

GRADE 4Nope. Nope, nope, nope. I get why this installment gets so much flak, and it breaks my heart to say that because I really am a Rob Zombie fan. But this movie? What a freaking wreck! The best thing about it is seeing more Brad Dourif as Sheriff Brackett – because he really is the only likable character. I have no idea how we are supposed to root for either Laurie or Loomis, always fan favourites, in Halloween II. They are both terrible, wretched characters with no redeeming qualities. I was also not a fan of a new young actor taking over from Daeg Faerch as Michael, because I just don’t like inconsistencies. At all. Halloween II is still bloody, gory, and brutal, and holds back on no punches there, and is serious to boot, no little bits of campy horror here. Visually, the film is still appealing, so there is that, and I still enjoyed the mustic. But that aside, the movie is long and it is messy. Long, and yet it feels rushed. What a juxtaposition. There is just no other way. Sloppy writing and a lot of silly stuff is happening, plus so many inexplicable scenes and scenarios (for reals, why the heck did the Sheriff’s house look like a bloody junkie den?), not to mention an overkill of cussing, and that rarely bothers me – but here? Just came across as forced. Let’s not even forget that Michael Myers is really noisy in this one. All that grunting when he kills? I was also no fan of Deborah Myers and her white horse showing up all the time. I can appreciate what Zombie was trying to do, I can, and there were glimpses of stuff that could have been brilliant, but this just didn’t work out quite as well as I would have liked.

Rapid Review: Halloween (2007)

5

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” These eyes will deceive you, they will destroy you. They will take from you, your innocence, your pride, and eventually your soul. These eyes do not see what you and I see. Behind these eyes one finds only blackness, the absence of light, these are of a psychopath.”
– Dr Sam Loomis

SYNOPSIS: Young Michael Myers is committed to Smith’s Grove after the brutal murder of his mom and sister’s boyfriends, and his sister Judith. After being there for roughly 17 years, he returns to his home town of Haddonfield in search of one of the only people he has ever cared about, his baby sister Laurie Strode. As he is tracked down by Dr. Sam Loomis he will kill anybody who gets in his path. – via IMDB

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GRADE 6.5You know, I have always felt that this movie gets way too much hate! I know Zombie is pretty divisive for people, but I am a big Zombie fan, that’s for sure. When it comes to his movies, I always respect what he is going for, whether it works out as well as you would hope or not. Zombie’s Halloween tries to give a more psychologically sound explanation as to Michael Myers’s murderous antics, and I appreciate what he was going for. The pre-psychopathic warning tendencies/indicators were shown in their full glory here, as well as the crappy home situation that Michael found himself in (definitely tacky to boot, not the regular middle class family he was from originally). Zombie’s rendition is also a hell of a lot more brutal, gory, and bloody. Plus Michael’s first attack on that kid? It was sinister. Not to mention the extremely graphic rape scene that invaded our screens – that was OTT! Daeg Faerch was a really creepy pick to play a young Michael. I also enjoyed the soundtrack quite a bit, and I think the film was shot really well. However, Halloween is a movie filled with awful characters I just could’t give a crap about, even our new Laurie Strode, even our new Dr Loomis, and that is a pity. There wasn’t really anyone to root for at all. It was cool to see Danielle Harris return to the series (totally different character), but I felt like a total pedophile. Seriously – four movies ago she was a nine year old girl, and here she had her rack out on display. It was madness! Also, I was not a fan of the dialogue – all constantly cussing, and everyone seemed a little… common? You can tell that Zombie loves the original movies, and there are a lot of throwbacks here, but Zombie still tried to make it his own, and his mark is evident. I didn’t love the fact that the movie is littered with a lot of tacky moments, and the modernisation of this did not really help the cause. Anyway, not nearly worth the hate that it gets, and it is a decent watch all around, if I am being honest. Not the best Myers film, but a solid one nonetheless.

JB & The Chop Do: Star Trek – Generations (1994)

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jb and the chop present star trek banner

Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll lookie here!! This is my third post in a row to host over here on TSCOABB (pronounced sko-ab for those in the know) (the T is silent). Well, maybe it is, maybe it’s not – I just made that shit up. Now we enter the Next Generation phase and, like I wrote below, these certainly aren’t my favorite movies or crew. I guess I just never really identified with them like I did with original gang. I thought Data was kind of a Spock rip-off and I just never got into Ryker. I wonder if JB liked this?? Let’s see!

star trek generations poster

SYNOPSIS: In the late 23rd century, the gala maiden voyage of the third Starship Enterprise (NCC-1701-B) boasts such luminaries as Pavel Chekov, Montgomery Scott and the legendary Captain James T. Kirk as guests. But the maiden voyage turns to disaster as the unprepared ship is forced to rescue two transport ships from a mysterious energy ribbon. The Enterprise manages to save a handful of the ships’ passengers and barely makes it out intact… but at the cost of Captain Kirk’s life. Seventy-eight years later, Captain Jean-Luc Picard and the crew of the Enterprise-D find themselves at odds with the renegade scientist Tolian Soran… who is destroying entire star systems. Only one man can help Picard stop Soran’s scheme… and he’s been dead for seventy-eight years. – via IMDB

jb star trek

Alrighty, I am going to be dead honest here: I am not a fan of the Next Gen movies. Sorry people, but it is true. I find them to be… meh… I think a large part of that I am going to blame on Data irritating the absolute hell out of me all the time. Apparently I am seriously in the minority on my opinion there, but I really don’t care. He sucks more often than not! Generations was most certainly a less irritating outing for him though.

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I know that this one is definitely one of the better Next Gen films, but I was still not bowled over by it. It was great to see Scotty, Kirk and Chekov, however briefly, before moving on to the meatier side of things, but I just felt that this was a bit of a missed opportunity. There was so much that just felt rushed, and then other stuff that just took forever to go anywhere. Like Picard’s nephew dying, it was a serious thing that was almost just swept under the rug as though it was unimportant. Confused me endlessly, I won’t even lie.

Sadly, my favourite bits all featured the original members. Chekov taking command and making nurses of random people made me giggle, though the situation was supposed to be serious. I also could not lend credibility in the Enterprise just leaving Spacedock, magically encountering a problem moments out, yet are able to say that nobody else is close enough to go on ahead and sort it all out. That Enterprise wasn’t even actually ready to leave Spacedock at all, it wasn’t equipped with just about anything, but they are supposed to go ahead and answer distress calls. Mmmmhmmmmm. Sure.

I am, however, a fan of Patrick Stewart, and I did enjoy his character of Picard. I just think that it is a little more difficult when the majority of the crew members are just there for me, and not necessarily people I like. They weren’t people I got involved with at all, and I don’t feel like they contributed anything of value to the story. Don’t get me wrong, I was never a Kirk fan per se, but the rest of the crew from the original films was awesome! I suppose we will see if anything changes and anyone grows on me some more this time around, but I am not so sure.

star trek generations data yes

Kirk’s ultimate write out was just a little… meh. It was embarrassing and fast and not the kind of goodbye you would expect after all this time. I suppose I wanted more. This movie had a really weak premise, a lot of lull, other arb stuff just happening. I think I was just let down because I expected more bang from having the two captains together. That alone had the potential to just be awesome, and it never happened. Oh well, let’s see what the next one brings next week!

the chop

Hi. I don’t know if I am going to take any shit for this or not but… I never really got into this particular franchise… I know this is one of someone’s favorite TV SHOWS, but when this came out I had just turned 16 and was more interested in tooling around town trying to pick things up.1 That never really worked2 so in the end I had to go get a job so I could pay for gas and would sometimes catch these on re-runs late at night when I had come home from doing some underage beer drinking in the parking lot behind work (and failing to make out with anyone)3

So – this being the case – I am not TOO familiar with the TNG universe aside from 26 year old drunken memories of late night TV and having the hots for Marina Sirtis.4

SIRTIS1

Obviously, I’d seen this one because this is the one where Kirk dies5 but I’d only seen it the one time and wasn’t particularly impressed6 but I gave it another shot yesterday and…. yeah, sure…7

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I think one of the things that really puts me off of TNG is Jonathan Frakes.8 I just can’t buy into him as a tough leading man. I also really can’t stand Brent Spiner and there was a LOT of Data in this movie.9 I do like the rest of the cast though, minus Whoopie Fucking Goldberg10 and the story was solid, but in the end I just felt like this was OK and, I’m not too familiar with the show but how about some of this:

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I might need to check that episode out. Anyway, when I said I was watching this for our big project on twitter, the Nutter11 I linked to earlier said something like “DON’T YOU FUCKING SAY ANYTHING NASTY ABOUT PATRICK STEWART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and I said of course I wouldn’t because I love the guy and Jean Luc Picard is a stud. So, I figured it would be appropriate to end this with a little bit of this:

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1 Chicks
2 DSB (See: Star Trek 3)
3 IBID
4 DSB Cure-All! (Patent Pending)
5 SPOILER!!!!
6 Not Arsed
7 IBID
8 IBID
9 Emotion Chip Bullshit
10 GROW SOME EYEBROWS WOMAN!!
11 What a Wanker