Twilight Saga Review (2008 – 2012)

twilight saga complete collection

Alrighty, I know this is Thursday and there should be a book review, but that will go up tomorrow. I have to complete this run of Twilight Thursdays properly. Might as well disrupt my OCD for one day 😛

gir eye twitch

Recently I sat down to watch these with Natasha for a Shitfest 2015 entry after I had read those godawful books (which most of you have read all about over the last few weeks). At any rate, I was not watching them alone. In actual fact, I was not going to watch them ever, at all, but after some mild forceful coercion, the Kidney won out and I prepared to watch them. Prepared, because I faffed around for ages, prolonging the inevitable. But eventually it happened.

However, something was soured for me. Completely. They are by no stretch of the imagination good movies, but I have read the books (ugh), and in terms of that, it cannot be denied that they are actually pretty decent adaptions. How does that work? Crappy books get loyal adaptions and remain shitty movies, while good books get crappy adaptions and ruin stories? Gosh, the world we live in. I really should consider another career.

book slappers movie job

Two big reasons that I actually made it through these movies:

  1. Jackson Rathbone is absolutely ridiculously fucking hot and yummy and he happens to portray the one character I simply adore;
  2. The fact that Natasha damn near bolted me to the couch. And found it highly amusing to watch me wallow in my unhappiness. My bestie is sadistic…

jackson rathbone smile omgjackson rathbone yumjackson rathbone smile omg2jackson-rathbone-hmmjackson rathbone

Huh, what? Sorry, sorry, got a little sidetracked there. I am back. Okay wait, last one…

jackson rathbone

However, after surviving these movies (and believe me, I had my doubts along the way that I would), I cannot help but have a soft spot reserved for them because I had ridiculous amounts of fun watching these with Natasha, ragging them blind, clinically assessing the type of adaption they were from the books, both of us having feminist freak out sessions because Bella is a useless lump and suicide is not the answer when your love moves along, but really, ripping it apart was a sheer blast. This does not make them good movies, I want that on the record. I don’t know if I can watch these again, or if I could ever view them on my own, but with the Kidney it was well worth it.

Ten points to Gryffindor. Bella evidently missed the lesson.

Alright, enough waffling (see, even now I am still procrastinating). I am going to talk about some things, but I will keep myself (mostly) in check.

The Good:

  • Casting choices. No, seriously. Most of the casting was done pretty well in here. Most of the time. The performances were also about as good as you could get on this level (a bit… uhm… wooden at the best of times, but they all tried). Michael Sheen was pretty entertaining, even when he ventured into territory that was a little dodgier than was required.
  • Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson actually managed to bring some passion to a really dead relationship (in the books – in there it was just poison, no passion), and they have to be given credit for it, even if they were a little wooden at times.
  • The Volturi’s outfits when they came for their showdown. Really good. You can’t blame me… you know how I get about the sweeping cape-like look… eeek. Plus there were all black and red and luscious and lovely.

volturivolturi guard

  • Jackson Rathbone. I would just like to take a minute (again) to wax lyrical here about how insanely gorgeous the man is. I mean, how hot is this guy?! He isn’t in many other things, which is a serious pity, and I have always enjoyed him. I guess I will take what I can get.

jasper spinning baseball batjasper baseball hot

  • Obviously I enjoyed the way the baseball scene was cobbled together, and not just to get an eyeful of Jasper… I swear… *super innocent whistle*
  • The wedding scene was really well done. I will have to give them credit for that.
  • Pattinson has the world’s most smug smile to demonstrate when Edward is getting his way, and I love it. I can’t help it, he starts smirking and then I do, too.

edward cullen smirk (2) edward cullen smirk

The Bad:

  • Some things were changed from the book to add more drama. As if things weren’t melodramatic enough.
  • Some extremely questionable effects, which is unacceptable in the later movies (where they got so much worse) considering the budget increased. How is it that the smaller budget films managed to look that much better? It evades the limits of my understanding. While we are at it, how you could see which sets were backdrops and what not. Awkies.
  • I was actually really, really looking forward to all the betting between Jasper and Emmett. Absolutely no such luck for me there, and it was the one thing that actually provided significant entertainment in the books. They were relentless.
  • Bella was whiny in these films, but seeing as it wasn’t internal dialogue for us to wade through like the books (thank goodness), it was more bearable, but I still wanted to shake her and slap her. She does not need Edward to breathe, there is no need to kill yourself if you cannot be together. The things this story taught young girls. Ugh. The feminist in me is revolting again just thinking about it.

bella swan sandwich feminist setback

  • The wolves communicating with each other telepathically (which would have been bearable if done correctly). I actually cringed. Like holy crapsticks….
  • That baby that they made up as Renesmee? Good gracious, that thing was just creepy. WTF was angelic about that?! #confused

The What-The-Fuck:

  • The love story between Bella and Edward. Goodness, true to the books it just came out of nowhere and became an obsession. I just… I don’t… what… it’s… so dangerous and creepy and scary and dodgy and poisonous and… eeeeek.

twilight abusive

Somebody checked off that list here with examples.

  • Always the descriptions about how dreary and overcast it is in Forks (in the books). Which is fine. Twilight and New Moon both stuck to that concept for the movies, but the last three? Vampires everywhere in the sun with no freaking sparkles. And not because I am into the sparkles, this is purely based on consistency and continuity…. because who cares? Chuck it right out of the window.

supernatural kill the sparkling vampires for free

  • Natasha’s biggest gripe (and I am wholeheartedly behind her on this): all these books and movies teach you is that you can only be a real woman after you have gotten married and popped out some kids. Nice, really, very classy. I cannot be complete without a man, a ring, a rugrat. Men are what women need to be whole, apparently. Our very core and essence. Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff. What the fuck? Are you kidding me?!

stephen king twilight comment

Stephen King was so totally right about this. He also went on to say what he wanted about Meyer and her godawful books here, and actually had a girl criticize Stephen King for knowing nothing about real books. OMG?! REALLY?! Yes. Quote? “Steven [sic] King doesn’t know what a real book was if it hit him in the face. He’s just a bloody guy who is jealous of Edward’s good looks.” – I don’t even know if I want to comment on that.

  • The fact that this is some huge phenomenon actually hurts my head. How did this happen? How?! It’s twisted and creepy and toxic!
  • How a love story could become so massive when it is flat, bland, unsexy, completely devoid of passion, but rates highly in the dangerous and toxic department. Is this what girls want nowadays? Stalker husbands, controlling boyfriends? I am so confused. Or I am too independent. I don’t know.
  • Naming your child Renesmee. Seriously, what the fuck was up with that?!
  • That even in the movies, Meyer’s supporting characters are still the ones you want to know more about. That is just something that boggles my mind, that she writes the most useless mains, but her supports are really good. I don’t understand.

what-is-this-i-dont-even

  • How they took one of the things that was actually excellent in the books (the history of the Quileutes, their legends and why they are as they are) and managing to bone it completely. That wasn’t even the right history, or the same, or told as gracefully. Meh. What the hell was the meaning of this?! It’s embarrassing to say the least, ruining the one thing that worked. Offensive.
  • I will never understand how it was socially acceptable for Jacob to be head over heels in love with Bella and making out with her and lusting after her and hating Edward to death, but then imprinting on their daughter (like OMG) and she becomes his life… because that isn’t a little sick and incestuous at all… no ick involved!

twilight snape voldemort mean girls

Then there was this article, one of the millions of articles you would find on the matter of how the cast hated the movies I know, but still. Also, this one had me giggling quite a bit, it really captures how silly things were at the best of times in the first book, Twilight. The AU-DA-CI-TY, I tell you!

So, overall, I have definitely watched infinitely worse movies in my life. I have, sadly. I am sure you have, too. I wanted to hate and despise these more than I did. They still sucked. They are Shitfest worthy. But maybe because I had way too much fun on the viewing experience, it lifted them all up for me a little. But I can recommend them if you are looking for a movie to watch with your bestie and trash beyond any and all logical reason.

supernatural vampires

Review: Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

snow white and the huntsman poster

“Do you hear that? It’s the sound of battles fought and lives lost. It once pained me to know that I am the cause of such despair, but now their cries give me strength. Beauty is my power.”
– Queen Ravenna

Snow White (Raffey Cassidy) is born to her beautiful mother, Queen Eleanor (Liberty Ross), and father King Magnus (Noah Huntley). Her mother passes while Snow White is a young girl, and her father cannot bear to deal with her death. Soon, he fights a war against a Dark Army and a young and beautiful captive is taken in. King Magnus falls in love with Ravenna (Charlize Theron) and her absolute beauty and weds her the next day. Unceremoniously she usurps the throne when she murders her new husband and lets an army through the kingdom gates. The war she began she will now finish. The city is butchered, and Snow White does not make it out. Her best friend William (Xavier Atkins) and his father Duke Hammond (Vincent Regan) make it out, but cannot go back for her. Ravenna orders her brother Finn (Sam Spruell) to lock Snow White away in the northern tower of the castle. The Kingdom of Tabor wastes away under the cruel new queen’s rule.

queen ravenna
“I shall give this wretched world the queen it deserves.” – Queen Ravenna

Snow White (Kristen Stewart) grows into a beautiful young woman who agonizes over the incredible amounts of pain of her past. The injustice she has suffered at the hands of her stepmother Ravenna, the evil sorceress, is just terrible.  One day an opportunity presents itself when Finn comes to collect Snow White and bring her to Ravenna. Ravenna consulted her Magic Mirror and found that she is no longer the fairest of the kingdom, and that to make her immortal she will have to kill Snow White and consume her heart, or else Snow White will be Ravenna’s downfall. Snow White escapes into the Dark Forest, where she becomes lost to Ravenna’s pursuers. In a rage, Ravenna calls upon Eric the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) to navigate the Dark Forest and recover Snow White. When he refuses, she promises to bring back his dead wife for whom he so desperately pines and he is quickly sold on the idea of bringing her back.

snow white and the huntsman
“I would rather die than live another day in this death!” – Snow White

He soon finds Snow White in the Forest, though she is reluctant to come with. In the argument that ensues when Eric wants to know that Ravenna will keep her word, he learns that she was going to betray him, have him killed seeing as though she is powerful, even she cannot raise the dead. In a rage he escapes with Snow White, whom he soon wants to get rid of seeing as he has no idea who she is. She soon persuades him that she is worth something and that he will be rewarded handsomely for protecting her and brining her safely to Duke Hammond. Snow White’s childhood friend William (Sam Claflin) has just learned that she is still alive, and informs his father that he will not desert her again and leaves to join Finn’s crew of bandits that are theoretically supposed to be bringing Snow White in for Ravenna.

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
“You have eyes, Huntsman, but you do not see. You, who have been with her the longest. She is life itself. She will heal the land. She is the one. ” – Muir

A new hope seems to be spreading throughout the Kingdom of Tabor, and it all seems to be attributed to Snow White’s escape. Snow White and the Huntsman have met a group of dwarves on their way to Duke Hammond’s castle, and soon they build their own little party. One of the dwarves, Muir (Bob Hoskins), informs them that Snow White is the true Princess, and that she alone is able to end Ravenna’s dark and evil reign. Snow White will have to go head to head with Ravenna and defeat her. Will Snow White rise up and step into the role of conqueror? Will she be able to reclaim her father’s lost kingdom? Will William find Snow White and win over hear heart? Will Snow White and Eric the Huntsman make it to Duke Hammond’s castle?

A 5.5/10 for Snow White and the Huntsman. I haven’t ever really given a lot of thought to watching this movie, though I reckon it was about time to see if Kristen Stewart would change her expression once and whether Chris Hemsworth will forevermore rock that big, manly and aggressive character. So to report, nothing has changed. While Kristen Stewart is the joke at the expense of many people (yes, I am one of them), she is not a dreadful actress per se, it is just her facial expressions are majorly lacking, and sometimes that is unhelpful when attempting to convey an emotion. Like when the dwarf dies and she cries, there is no real heartbreak there, though Hemsworth gives the scene some emotion. I suppose it is a good thing then that she gets the haughty roles where she is not expected to have a vast acting range, just enough to keep the story and character going. Chris Hemsworth embraced his character’s story, and it was a sad one, too. I am not a Charlize Theron fan at all but I really think that she was excellent to play Ravenna, and kept the role interesting. I thought the way that the Mirror was done was bloody brilliant, and it just looked stunning when that gold seeped from the Mirror, flowed upward and into the Mirror Man that Ravenna held so dearly. Sam Spruell was sufficiently disgusting to play her brother, and really was absolutely nasty. I was not particularly fond of the battle fought or the ending, and how that bloody three-way relationship (that is so damn popular for whatever ridiculous reason) went down. It wasn’t precisely strongly written or sufficiently explained; it was just thrown in there and not really worked out. There was supposed to be humour in here though I missed a lot of it (yep, very hard to please), and there was drama. The fairy utopia that Snow White and her party went to was absolutely beautiful, and carried the air of beauty and utter perfection and total peace, so that was nice to check out. Not the greatest film, though definitely not so bad it deserves all the super hate it gets.