JB & The Chop Do: Amityville Dollhouse: Evil Never Dies (1996)

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“Evil never dies”, eh???? Seems like neither will this fucking franchise. I know that I’ve had fun with these even though JB hates me for picking them. Terrible, terrible shit some of these are but, for the most part, these have been fun – at least fun to put together. Hopefully our relationship can mend once this is all over. (At least I didn’t suggest the Hellraiser movies, JB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

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SYNOPSIS: A dollhouse that is a replica of the infamous Amityville haunted house is given to a little girl. Soon after, all sorts of horrible unexplained accidents start to happen. The family must work together to fight off the terrifying evil that has inhabited their lives. – via IMDB

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Well, I’ve done everything I possibly could to try and watch this movie but nothing ever seemed to work. I tried Netflix and Amazon, I tried HBO and Hulu, I tried YouTube and even a pirate site but nothing worked. I guess the gods of the Hell of the Burning Corpses didn’t want me to look at this one so I’ll have to do something different. Let’s check out the trailer:

My first impression from that is that it looks really fucking lame with some terrible acting, terrible hairdos and some sketchy “You’re all gonna die” voice over from some old woman. There’s also some gimmicky drawers flying out of cabinets, looks like some shirtless action and, of course, some more fucking flies and hand wounds. Let’s see what an IMDB reviewer has to say:

I hope this is the end to amityville
1/10
Author: fuzzyfeller from USA
16 February 2004
mindless hollywood please stop. amityville has been so burned out its disgusting. and to think a hoax started it all more than 20 yrs prior.

a mirror ,a dollhouse ,,whats next the amityville hair dryer ,a mysterious hair dryer holds the key to the demon ,,a young woman is possessed everytime she dries her hair and the demon doesnt like split ends … this movie is total trash as is the whole amityville fiasco.

It appears Fuzzy Feller wasn’t a fan of the movie or proper punctuation but he sure likes commas!! Let’s give this review a 2 whatever the fuck this is:

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Let’s see what else we have….

It doesn’t even deserve one star
1/10
Author: hannah-158 from New Zealand
26 January 2006
This is the most ridiculous movie I have ever seen. Nothing was explained in the end, leaving it open (and Definitely not in the way that makes you hope for a sequel but the way that makes you think “what the hell just happened”) and none of the movie even made sense. Why was the doll house demonic? How did the zombies fit in? Why did the mother fall in love with her stepson? I wasted two hours of my life on this pile of crap. NEVER WATCH THIS MOVIE. And I’m not saying this to make you want to watch it just to see how crap it is. I’m seriously saying GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN AND RUN TO ALL YOUR VIDEO/DVD OUTLETS AND BURN EVERY SINGLE COPY OF THIS MOVIE IN Existence. Whoever made it should BE SHOT.

It doesn’t appear hannah-158 was a big fan either… I wonder if she went to every single store in New Zealand and set everything on fire?? Interestingly enough, it seems that there’s a store called “JB Hi-Fi” that sells DVDs down there…. #irony

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Moving along….

see Laurie Foreman topless
2/10
Author: movieman_kev from United States
22 May 2005
this idiotic piece of…film written by Joshua Stern (I REFUSE to use your middle name until you do ANYTHING even remotely worthwhile) revolves around haunted doll house (at least it’s not a cookoo clock, I guess). The aforementioned doll house is found by the dad and given to the daughter as a birthday present. that cheap A-hole. Meanwhile Jimmy Martin acts like a nerdy pathetic boy (C’mon kid you were a young Andrew Dice Clay once, get it together). The film is the epitome of stupidity and I’m sure Hollywood will choose to re-make it any day now. Oh yea and the girl that play’s the sister on “That 70’s Show” unleashes her chest pillows for the only time of her career thus far. (the ONLY reason to even think of conceivably maybe watching this movie.

My Grade: D-

Eye Candy: Starr Andreeff shows her left tit briefly; Eric Foreman’s sister..um..i mean Lisa Robin Kelly goes topless

That’s funny – when I first started using IMDB thirteen years ago, I used to read all of Movie Man Kev’s shit – what a blast from the past! Seems he didn’t like this much either but he seems to like this:

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I guess that’s enough of this silliness and I guess I didn’t miss much – let’s turn this over to JB for some good reporting!

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I got ridiculously fucking excited when this started up. I thought that we were returning to the Amityville house. I thought shit was about to get real again, back to something that would make sense having the name “Amityville” attached to it. I mean, I didn’t expect a masterpiece or anything but I was desperately trying to be more optimistic than required considering the last few debacles from this franchise.

Well, is it bad to say that I liked this one a lot more than the last few, and it is still an extremely flawed and cheesy film? I think I have gotten so used to how utterly crappy these movies are that I have become so desensitised. But this was definitely a step up, faults and all.

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I mean we meet this perfectly “happy” family, and their perfect little dream falls apart within days of discovering this dollhouse replica of the Amityville house that we have not seen since it burnt to the ground in Amityville: 3D and assorted stupid flashbacks that have just been there to force the movies to have some weird recurring theme.

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This happy family… meeting them all seems strange, but soon you get into the groove of how weird it is. Bill, the dad, has two kids from his previous marriage, Todd and Jessica. His new wife, Claire, has an incredibly socially stunted son named Jimmy. Todd and Jimmy don’t get along, and it isn’t just because of the age gap. Jimmy doesn’t like his new family and misses his deceased dad, and thinks that he is intellectually superior to everyone around him but his mouse, Max. As for Todd? He just doesn’t know where he fits in in the world.

The movie seemed to be incapable of deciding whether the new house was the issue, or if it was the Amityville dollhouse. I mean… there was a newspaper clipping of a house that burned down, and I thought it was the Amityville house in the third movie, but it turned out to be the house that had burned down on the same lot that Bill had built their new family home on? So… is it the current lot that is making the dollhouse evil? Is the dollhouse evil because it is from the Amityville house? I suspect it might be the dollhouse itself that is haunted, though we haven’t seen it before this one?

#continuity

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Then, while trying to piece that conundrum together, we see that things that happen in the dollhouse happen in the real house that dad has built new for his family. But how??? It isn’t the same house?! The layout isn’t the same, nothing! So how can you have a mouse crawl in under a dollhouse bed and have a gigantic mouse appear under the new house bed??? WHY??? WHAT DID I MISS???

I thought it was hilarious how Bill’s sister Marla and her squeeze Tobias just happened to be very well versed in the occult. Nice going guys!

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Jimmy’s zombie daddy appears later, as well, and his appearance progressively deteriorates. It was so silly, at the end when there is this big but super cheesy showdown going on between him and Bill? He gets hit, and for all his icky skin and stuff, some super regular fleshed out ankles/calves make a brief appearance.

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I got drilled about stop, drop and roll as a kid growing up, but it seems that Todd’s girlfriend totally missed all those training days.

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Anyway, I don’t even want to discuss how nothing was resolved in this movie at all. I just don’t even know what to do with that. There were holes and contrivances and some really bad and cheesy acting at times, but it was also shot relatively decently and edited far better than the last lot have been. A mess of a movie for sure, and not necessarily so bad it is good, but in terms of this franchise? It is so bad it’s better than most.

JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Curse (1990)

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“A return to the most dangerous house in the world”?????? HA!!!!! BULLSHIT!!!!! it’s not even the same fucking house in the fucking poster!!! Remember how I reflected on last week’s post saying that it was an awful film but still fun because JB and I watched it at the same time? Well, no such luck with this one and I had to watch it on YouTube and the file was shit and everything was dark all of the time so I couldn’t make anything out and the cast was shit and……. ugh…… Let’s see what we’ve got!!

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SYNOPSIS: Five people spend the night in an abandoned house, the Amityville haunted house, and soon find themselves terrorized by assorted ghosts, venomous insects and ghostly apparitions. – via IMDB

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 *My part is going to contain spoilers*

This starts off reasonably well with some old priest playing an organ and then going to hear some confessions. In the booth next to him, someone is smoking a cigarette and tells the old coot that he’s sinned and blows the priest away with a handgun. Nice! Next up, an irritating, pudgy Canadian dude wakes up and yells at his Canadian wife to get up because they’re running late and he wants to make money and he’s the fucking most grating person I’ve ever seen in anything. How would this cute, tiny Canadian be married to this fucker? Anyway, they head into Amityville the city to buy this house, marked for cheap. NOTE: It is not the Amityville house from the first three movies that was destroyed at the end of the third but was still around in the fourth.

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Soon, the Canadian couple invite over their Canadian friends for the weekend to do some fix-it-up and they all suck and I hated them and one of em is Kim Coates who you might remember from The Last Boy Scout. He whines constantly and smokes cigarette after cigarette and they all really worked my last nerve the entire time.

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Coates:

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I would mention though that I did like the lead actress (Dawna Wightman) – I thought she was a cute Canadian even though the script was bullshit and so was her movie but she seemed to be likeable, at best. After about 20 minutes of not really giving a shit about what was going on, I finally decided to look up the dark skinned chick because I swore I had seen her in something before and YEP – it’s the witch from the original Conan the Barbarian!

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For real, nothing at all interesting happens to these Canadians for about an hour and then the witch takes a bath and her boob floats around and she starts to shave her legs and realizes the water has turned to blood. ACK!!

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While she is doing her leg shaving, the cute Canadian is having a nightmare and it turns out that Coates is the asshole who killed the priest because – he abandoned his mother, so he killed the priest and now he’s going to kill everyone in the house because that makes a lot fucking sense. AND – since there’s NOTHING going on at all, they decide to make Coates look demon-y by having the short Canadian splash his face with candle wax. YAWN – spoiler – she kills him. The end.

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This is easily the worst out of all of these movies so far but I don’t have high hopes for:

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Seriously, when I sat down to write this I could not, for the life of me, recall what the hell went down in this one. I really couldn’t. I sat and fished around my memories for all the shitty things I have subjected myself to recently on this and there was nothing that stood out to me from this. Until I pulled up the Wikipedia page for these movies then it all hit me again like a ton of bricks…

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When I finally remembered, I just wanted to shut it out again.

The Amityville Curse is by far the least memorable, most forgettable, longest piece of trash so far in the film series. Not even kidding. It was a yawn from the opening credits, and let me just tell you that there were no improvements after that. This couple buys this house in Amityville, and no, before you ask, it isn’t even the house. But fine, now apparently all of Amityville is cuckoo since DeFeo deemed it so.

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These friends all move in to a house together. Right. But… uhm… I was a bit confused. You have a newlywed couple that bought the house, another couple and some dude helping with renovations and they have all moved in together. I don’t know, but since when do five adults move in to the same house together? Especially the way it was done? Not only that, but Marvin was a total twat. Gosh. How does he even have friends? As if the movie wasn’t already annoying enough, that tit had to open his mouth and it would all just get SO. MUCH. WORSE.

Oh yeah, and there was some angry dog that tried to savage Kim Coates… almost did us a favour, but noooo, you have to only half deliver, right dog? You could have ended this… all of this…

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Moving on from that, this movie has no idea what it wants to be. It languished forever going nowhere incredibly slowly, and then before we know it Frank is cuckoo-crazy-and-insane and possessed and killing weird old housekeepers and drinking and his face is burning and he is hunting his wife and friends down and the basement is all bizarre and a dead priest is in the thick of everything and there is some pissant showdown by the end and… what the hell did I just watch? I mean really. This movie is typically something that adheres to Anna’s Vacuum Test. I promise. Tried and tested. Ugh.

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I, too, was desperate to escape.

What I must give this movie credit for is making the others look infinitely more thrilling, even though they are all mostly crappy. It had some terribly sketchy acting, a horrible score, a stupid, stupid, stupid plot and it wasn’t even like some old, crappy movies that are so bad they are good, or have redeeming qualities. This was just… I will never, ever be able to reclaim those 90 minutes of my life 😦

JB & The Chop Do: Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes (1989)

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So folks, we are back. As always. With another one of these. This one The Chop and I decided to watch together, and while it was truly godawful, it was fun to watch with someone and rip it. Eric had some… difficulties sourcing this one, and when he did, let’s just say he really, really wasn’t winning. I am impressed you  made it through that PSC!

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SYNOPSIS: The demonic force lurking in Amityville for over 300 years escapes to a remote California mansion. It encounters a struggling family living together by uncertain means. The beast manipulates a little girl by manifesting itself in the form of her dead father. Soon it will be able to possess her completely… is it too late for a young priest to defeat the demon and end the curse? – via IMDB

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JB & The Chop Do: Amityville 3-D (1983)

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In what will surely become a hotly contested and polarizing debate, today we present the abysmal Amityville 3D (sometimes tagged with “The Demon”). I thought this movies was going OK until we got to the last act when I almost croaked out of unbelief. WHAT. THE. FUCK? Who thought that was OK?? ARGGGGGGGGH! My part contains spoilers if you feel like watching this….

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SYNOPSIS: A reporter moves into the ominous Long Island house to debunk it of the recent supernatural events and becomes besieged by the evil manifestations which are connected to a hell-spawn demon lurking in the basement. – via IMDB

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By now we all know how much Sweet, Tiny JB hated Amityville 2 but I still contend that it’s better than this turd. This thing starts off with a couple of dopes researching the murder house in question. While the copy I watched was NOT 3-D, the 3-D effects were absolutely HORRIBLE looking and I questioned the 80s for ever existing. Anyway – these two dopes debunk the house for being stupid and eliciting fear for money and then they shoo everyone out of the house by opening their overcoats and exposing their floppy dongs.  Then, the guy who looks like Will Farrell’s dad BUYS the house for dirt cheap and tells his old lady ” We bought the house, not the ghosts, Sugarlips.”

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Soon, Meg Ryan and the chick from Full House come calling – playing the daughter to whatshisface and her bestie friend.  They’re cute and, according to fashion at the time, they wear their Guess? jeans up over their belly buttons and say things like “Rad!” and “This is fresh!” and “Bitchin’!”

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After a typical series of scenes involving fucking flies and a giant hole in the ground that goes to hell that no one has ever sealed up, Ryan wonders what it would be like to have sex with a ghost and then they do some Ouija conjuring.

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Eventually, the pervert flasher gets trapped in an elevator, there’s more flies and dripping blood and then, just when you think “I guess this is going OK, I wonder how I’ll review this,” the daughter drowns out in the lake and comes back to Earth as this:

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“RAAAAAAAH RAAAAAAAAHHR RAAAAAAHHHHHHHRRRRRRRR!!” She says with light coming out of her mouth. “RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHR RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHR!!”

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So she kills the one pervert guy and the other guy and his squeeze escape and the fucking house explodes to smithereens so there can be NO MORE SEQUELS. Because the house exploded in fiery 3-D flames they can’t possibly have an estate auction selling off the possessions of the family that lived in it prior, before it went to auction. Right? It EXPLODED.

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Elsewhere, Margot Kidder shits herself in disgust after viewing this…..

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I totally hated this movie and I totally hate this foreign poster for it:

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Now, I know that this is one sorry little film for the Chop, but let me just tell you, after the fuck up that was Amityville II: The Possession, this was just amazing by comparison, yet still a pretty stupid film. Like I said, Shitfest Fridays for quite some time to come.

The story was weak and all over the show. That is undeniable. It’s a train wreck that just goes on and on and on, and even though you can totally see what it happening, it does nothing to allay the pain and suffering you are experiencing while watching. Dramatic, I know, but oh so damn true.

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The acting was just… bad, but it is still better than what comes in the later ones (I swear, just as you think they can’t get worse… they just… oh man…). The music was ridiculous, and the story went from trundling along to rocketing into some crazy shit: people burning in cars, drowning, walking through the house, the whole toot. Because it can. Just go ahead and do what you want, it all makes perfect sense!

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Apparently this was the start of the whole “evil leaves the house” thing, because guess what? An elevator tried to kill someone! AND NOT EVEN IN THE VICINITY OF THE HOUSE!!!!

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I want to talk about the crazy shit that finally came to pass as the end because it was the biggest what the fuck moment for the movie. I mean this genuinely and sincerely because I have no fucking clue what the hell that was all about… we had flying fish, crazy Freddy vs Jason water hopping moments (though really not done well), a house that went crazy, people in mourning being all different, a house that would not free them, film cameras up the wazoo and people everywhere and people dying and some fish monster and fuck, I just laughed. And laughed some more. Because the movie was taking itself so seriously the whole time and then devolved into this as an ending? What the heck happened?!

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I know that this was like… 3-D and all for it’s time, and the poster is right… we, the viewers, are the victims. It was a bit of a misison, but I made it… though you never think that finish line is in sight. So after all that ludicrous fish-flying stuff is going on and you have no idea if the end is in sight, just when you think you cannot take but even a second more, there is this crackpot crazy explosion. Whoosh. Big. BURN IT ALL TO THE GROUND.

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Oh my goodness, we have like… another nine or ten to watch, right?! I swear, every time I check out Wikipedia, there is another entry. True story. I just checked now and guess what? Another two on the list!!!!! OH HAPPY DAYS!!!

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PS: It was an absolute nightmare to find gifs for this, so I would like to thank Televandalist for the gifs!

JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Horror (1979)

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AND WE’RE BACK!!! I hope everyone has enjoyed some relaxation, massages and foot rubs because JB and I are back and going to hit the Amityville franchise. Now – obviously, we watched these before these posts come out so, there’s been discussion between Mistress JB and I regarding the merits of these movies and their IMDB ranks. I’ve heard a few gripes over the last few weeks about some of these so – in my defense – when I picked this franchise I only thought there were a FEW of them, not 12…. so… yes there are some serious stinkers ahead of us but we persevere and press on! Let’s see what we have going on here….

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SYNOPSIS: Based on a true story that was claimed by writer Jay Anson, The Amityville Horror is about a large house on the coast of Long Island where newly weds George and Kathy Lutz and their three children move into the house that they hope will be their dream house but it ends up in terror. Despite full disclosure by the real estate agent of the home’s history, George and Kathy buy the house. George says, “Houses don’t have memories,” but they turn to their family priest Father Delaney who believes the house is haunted and performs an exorcism on the house. But the evil spirit in the house causes him to become blind and makes him very ill. George and Kathy with the help of another priest Father Bolen and a police detective they face the fears of the house, but not knowing the spirit is planning to possess George and then the children… – via IMDB

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*MY PART CONTAINS SPOILERS*

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I am going to be totally honest and admit that this scared the absolute shit out of me when I saw it when I was a kid. I was just getting into horror at the time – Friday the 13th and Halloween and the like and I enjoyed that feeling of being scared so one night I rented this on video tape and plugged it in AND I GOT TO SEE LOIS LANE’S TIT!!!!!

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Somehow I kept watching and got to the part where Brolin takes the axe to his daughter and I absolutely freaked the fucked out. My mom’s boyfriend at the time of the watch looked EXACTLY like Brolin with the long black hair and the bushy beard and I just KNEW he was going to go batshit and murder me and my mom in our sleep so I shut that fucking tape off and went and cried in my room – kind of like I did when True Detective was over. And, to this day – or yesterday to be honest, I had always been a little scared to watch it again.

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But once our Nightmare series was winding down, I groveled before The Beloved JB and asked if she would do another one with It and she said yes but it was It’s turn to choose the series and, since everyone needs to face their childhood demons I picked this franchise. So, yesterday I sat down and watched this thing and…… aside from the mildly disturbing dream sequence Lois Lane has where her husband murders their child, this wasn’t remotely frightening in the least bit. And – does anyone remember the GIF we made for Nightmare 2 where the teenager gets out of bed and his balls hang to his thighs? I commented on that that I think he’s dropping a tennis ball in his drawers as he arises. What do you think?

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Also – someone forgot to put her pants on before she did her stretches.

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Seriously, the scariest thing about this movie was when the babysitter got locked in the closet…

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I think what we have here is that in 1979 this was probably terrifying to everyone who saw it. It must have made a lot of money because I know they made a couple of these. But – for those of us who haven’t seen it yet – we’ve all seen this 1000 times before. A chair rocking with no one in it, a priest screaming and the devil doing something wacky in a church apse. Flies, blood dripping from walls, cats jumping into a window, blah, blah, blah. Again – this was probably a game changing Devil Haunted House back in the day – or you may have watched it and remember it with nostalgic delight (like me and NIGHT OF THE CREEPS) but, if this is your first time to actually sit through it, it’s noisy and kind of boring. And – despite my memory of it being brutal – no one dies after the opening credits. That was kind of unstimulating. But you probably wouldn’t be stimulated in the first place. I wonder what JB thought? I know she’s a big fan of he remake that I haven’t seen.

#loislanesboobs

#loislanessatan

#loislanesbutt

#satanandhisbuddies

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Alright, alright. My turn. Now, I have never actually seen this one, but hey? We all have a few movies we have missed. Yes, I am a fan of the remake (I can see myself getting shot), the Chop got that right. When he piped up that we should watch the Amityville films, I don’t think either of us realised how many there were and the ordeal that we signed up for. Needless to say, people, keep your eyes peeled for like… a Shitfest Friday every Friday 😛

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Now, being the first time I have ever seen this, I was relatively entertained from the off (sorry Chop, I know you aren’t the greatest fan). I didn’t find it overly dull, and I really liked how atmosphere was concentrated on more than anything. Sure, we have seen all these scenes a million times before, make no mistake, but the horror genre is a genre, unfortunately, that has a lot of recycled material.

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James Brolin was pretty good, I liked him quite a bit, and I liked Margot Kidder. The two of them also worked quite well together. There was plenty wrong with this film, but there were also some things that were done right. It’s a typical haunted house movie, but what makes this one more popular than the others is simply the address, the Amityville house, the infamy. Other than that, it brought nothing particularly special to the table.

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I liked it well enough, and the more Amityville movies I watched, the more that I realised that this was simply phenomenal in comparison to the rest of the films that would make their entry to this franchise. And really, this one was a mixed bag – some things it nailed, other things it totally missed.

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Uhm… I have actually run out of things to say about this one. I was always sure that I was missing a masterpiece or something, and after watching this I can officially, and with ease, say that I haven’t missed anything particularly gory or amazing. It works alright for a haunted house horror, but it is incredibly dated at times. Not always in a bad way, and I liked the way the atmosphere was built on. That worked for me, it did. Evidently I am pretty much on the fence about this one, but I liked it infinitely more than Chop Eric!

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JB & The Chop Do: Freddy vs Jason (2003)

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Here we are again, Zutsonians! The second to last one…. it’s sad that this will be coming to an end soon but ——————– do we have anything in store next???? You’ll have to keep tuning in here to find out!!! Here’s a teaser: yes we do! I believe Zoë is doing these out of her own free will but I know I just LOVE our projects ❤ ❤ <3!

So…. yeah……….. Freddy vs Jason – I would like to say that this was my favorite of the bunch but I don’t think it beats the first – or even the second maybe, for that matter. This was definitely more modern and sleek and VERY bloody but I am more of a Jason guy and seeing Fred turn him into a crying baby for a few minutes was kind of off-putting. I also thought the end was WAY too drawn out and could have been cut down a little – I mean – it was almost ridiculous AND (maybe I’m being a dick) but isn’t Fred Krueger a human when he’s not in Hell or whatever? No human being could take the kind of beating he takes from Jason and still keep swinging. Oh well, I definitely didn’t hate it or anything and Katherine Isabelle!!! SMOOCH SMOOCH SMOOCH!!!!! GROPE GROPE GROPE!!! Let’s see what we’ve got here….

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SYNOPSIS: It’s been nearly ten years since Freddy Krueger terrorized people in the dreams, and the towns folk want to keep him erased from their memory. Freddy still has one more plan on getting back to Elm Street. He resurrects Jason Voorhees and sends him off to kill. The more bodies which fall to the ground, the stronger in which Freddy becomes. This is until, Freddy realizes that Jason isn’t going to step aside easily, and must be taken down himself. – via IMDB

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So Fred is in hell and – aw snap – everyone in the town where Elm Street is has forgotten about him and he’s real sore about it. So he decides to resurrect Jason Voorhees to help stir the pot a little while he creeps back into peoples dreams comes back to life as a real human being capable of slicing up John Ritter’s kid and a bunch of stoners. There’s also a rave in a cornfield and something to do with some sleep studies and Monica Keena:

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Keena is there to represent, I believe, the sensuality found in nature – the physical embodiment of what Fred Krueger failed to achieve in his life – a blending of the purest form of love found only in drea – whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat:

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Where was I?? Sorry about that. Kruger and his buddy Voorhees decide to have a strip poker party and invite Keena as the entertainment. She works the stripper pole for an hour and a half and leaves with The Chop to do some private entertaining in the Champagne Room where touching is allowed and because she likes him so much it’s Pro Fucking Gratis. Three hours go by and –

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SHIT!! Sorry about that!! My mind must have wandered hahhahahahaha! So at that Rave I was talking about, Keena and The Chop do just a little Ecstasy and slip off into the cornfields to rub each other’s backs and shoulders and give back and thigh massages and maybe even do a little kissing and petting and then end up stark naked and examining each other #ForScience #Research #Studies #Doctorate #Professor

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Sweet Jesus, what’s going on here today???? Did someone turn up the heater in this building or something? Someone might need to hose me down with some cold water or something….

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So I’m sitting here in my office writing this piece and Keena shows up and asks me if I like her shirt. I tell her it looks pretty good but she better take it off so I can inspect the fabric, you know – to see how soft it is. I wouldn’t want it to be abrasive or anything. I have nothing but her breasts best interests in mind, so she takes it off and hands it over to me and I sniff it real good and hide it in my file cabinet for safe keeping and lock my office door and we start to 

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Like I was saying, Krueger is back and wants to start killing again and then he and Jason have a big fight to the death! YAY!!!!! WHOOP!!!!!! HUZZAH!!!! GO GO BUFFALO!!!!

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You’ll have to excuse me for a few minutes. I need to get some air.

JB

Alright, so I have a crazy soft spot for Freddy vs Jason, I have an absolute blast with it all the time. It was cheesy, it was fast, it was so painfully clichéd in some places and all that, but it was just totally worth looking into. It was just one of those mash-ups that worked in so many ways. I am not usually a fan of these things, but this one was just what it needed to be, and it came together well.

freddy-vs-jason

Freddy vs Jason is certainly more of a Freddy Krueger movie for me, as it seemed he was the one with the biggest plot and also seen as the most dangerous villain. I thought that Ken Kirzinger did a damn fine job as Jason, and he was just one hulking monster taking people out all the time, and I was totally alright with that (who knows, one of these days we might look at all the crazy films that belong to the Friday the 13th canon). Robert Englund simply owned as Freddy Krueger (again – as if we expected anything else).

freddy vs jason

One of the best things about this movie is the fight scenes. I thought they were well done, action packed and just a little dodgy at times… in the very best way, of course! There were syringes, machetes, air canister missile things, Freddy’s glove, fire, water, everything. Outrageous to boot but awesome!

freddy vs jason fightfreddy vs jason

Something I must admit – there are a lot of boobs in this one. Not necessarily open, out there on display boobs, but holy crapsticks, I think the lead was cast purely on what she looked liked when squeezing her bust into an itty-bitty shirt. I am sure that was just awesome for the male viewers, really.

freddy vs jason boobs

I enjoyed the premise, and Ronny Yu did a great job directing this. He managed to fuse the two universes successfully (in my opinion). The pacing was fine, the plot was better than most we have seen in the Krueger canon at the end (though the same can be said of Jason’s films), and the soundtrack worked for it. Also, some Katharine Isabelle for those of you who are interested.  You can’t really go wrong with Freddy vs Jason for a thriller/horror/action type thing, and there were some great throwbacks to both the franchises. I know that this movie isn’t the most popular, but I totally think it is deserving of some love.

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

freddy vs jason bed

IT READS: PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES: DREADFULLY EVER AFTER (2011) STEVE HOCKENSMITH

PAPAZDEA

As a little back story to this feature – I use to be a very avid book reader before I got entangled in the world of blogging and just started reading blogs all day. I even had / have a book review site that I wrote on occasionally that I haven’t updated since January of 2013.  The other day I opened the bureau to get something out of it and I noticed the STACK of unread books I have sitting there and got nostalgic for the smell and feel of printed material and thought to myself, “You know what? I’m going to read a fucking book!” And, since I know Zoë is such a fan of book reading I told her about my new dedication and she was all “YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA YOU CHOP!!!!” and we discussed posting about it / them out here. Then we discussed my book review site and how I want to turn it down and we thought maybe we could put some of them out here on Zuts, not only to build her library but also to not just throw away all of that fucking typing I did.

So, today we present another installment of IT READS: and we’ll go with the entertaining and pretty hilarious PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES: DREADFULLY EVER AFTER

P.S. This was actually written a few years ago so those of you familiar with my style my find this a little different. And – look at that naming convention!

***

Man oh man this book was great! HILARIOUS! Easy to read! It was so entertaining I could barely put it down and breezed through the 286 pages in five days. This guy, Hockensmith put out two superbly funny, smart, sarcastic, wry, smart ass books for Quirk, and I loved them both. I suppose this is the end of the Pride and Prejudice and Zombies series (but i sure hope not). Hockensmith has another series of books he has put out about two cowboy detectives in the “old west”, I have to check them out. Of course you know that Pride and Prejudice and Zombies came out a few years ago to HUGE applaud (and sales) and spawned DOZENs of imitators. If you search for it on Amazon you’ll see things like: “Jane Slayre”, “Little Vampire Women”, “Queen Victoria: Demon hunter”, “Little Women and Werewolves”, etc as well as the follow ups Quirk put out, “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls” (the prequel) and now this one, the sequel. Again – i loved it.

Here’s the dust jacket synopsis: “When we last saw Elizabeth Bennet and Fitzwilliam Darcy – at the end of the New York Times best seller Pride and Prejudice and Zombies – they were preparing for a lifetime of wedded bliss. Yet the honeymoon has barely begun when poor Mr. Darcy is nipped by a rampaging dreadful. Elizabeth knows the only acceptable course of action is to promptly behead her husband (and then burn the corpse, just to be safe). But when she learns of a miracle antidote being developed in London, she realizes there may be one last chance to save her true love – and for everyone to live happily ever after. Complete with romance, heartbreak, martial arts, cannibalism and an army of shambling corpses, Dreadfully Ever After brings the story of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies to a thrilling conclusion.”

There you go – Darcy is bitten pretty early in the book and they call in their arch enemy, Darcy’s aunt, for help (Darcy’s Aunt hates Elizabeth because she had betrothed Darcy to her own daughter, Anne, in PPZ, but Lizzy won his heart). Oh, and Lizzy also bested her cadre of ninjas in a dojo single handedly and spread his aunt’s life. Anyway, the aunt Lady Catherine the Great hatches a plan to send Elizabeth, her sister Kitty, her father Mr. Bennet, a group of ninja assassins, a ninja named Nezu as a guide and a strange limbless man in a box to London to steal the miracle cure. To do so, they (the ladies) are going to have to seduce the scientist who created it, or his son and sneak into the lab and make out with the potion. By doing this, this will also show Darcy that his low class wife is a jezebel who seduces men while her husband lies sick and undead, thus making him fall in love with his frail cousin Anne once and for all.

Well, things get VERY FUNNY from here on out and the story actually takes an interesting route to the end. The previous two books were pretty linear (if I recall correctly) as in – here’s your story from A to Z, one route. This one takes at least four different paths: one of Elizabeth and her father, one of Kitty, Bunny (the scientist’s son) and the guardian Nezu, one of Mary (another Bennet sister) and the mysterious Man in the Box, one of Darcy and Anne back at the manor and then even one chapter about the most notorious and important Zombie in history (Mr. Cricket) – the one who ate King George the 3rd. So, as everyone goes off on their delightfully entertaining adventures that had me smiling and laughing constantly, he weaves the compelling back story of Darcy and Anne and the secret Anne hides. Catherine has falsified letters from Elizabeth, among other things, in the hope of driving the two together. Eventually, everyone ends up back at the manor, along with several new characters for what can only be called an appropriate and just ending.

Along the way, we get more wickedly funny woodcuts, cross dressing man servants and a whole lot of action! I highly recommend this series to anyone looking for a good time filled with zombies, martial arts, and merry Olde English providence. Hilarious! Well done! For those of you who have read the prequel “Dawn of the Dreadfuls” you will probably get an idea of just who the man in the box is – if your memory is strong. I had an idea the first time they encounter “the box” and it stuck with me throughout and, even when I was absolutely positive who it was, when the big reveal came about, it was still very joyous.

Here are a couple of quotes from the book – all rights reserved to Quirk:

“When faced with discomfort, she did the Engish thing: she changed the subject.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

In this passage, Darcy has been given some of the serum that keeps the recently stricken clinging to life, and he wants to get out of his room:

…This was something he had to do himself. With a monumental exertion of will, he swung his feet off the bed and stood.

Then he fainted.

Sometime later he picked himself up of the floor and stood again. When he was satisfied that he could manage without fainting, he started shuffling toward the dresser.

Then he fainted.

When he regained consciousness, he started the process over. He stood, shuffled, fainted, found his clothes, fainted, stood, put on his trousers, fainted, put  on his shirt, didn’t faint, put on his waistcoat, didn’t faint, put on his stockings, didn’t faint, picked up his coat, fainted, stood, picked up his coat, fainted,  stood and finally decided he could live without the coat. After much (but faintless) effort,  he had on his shoes and cravat and was at last ready to leave his little tomb in which he had been interred for too long.

That’s it – the whole thing is full of fun just like that.

Here’s the trailer. It’s not quite as fun as the first one:

JB & The Chop Do: A Nightmare On Elm Street 5 – The Dream Child (1989)

a nightmare on elm street2

Well folks, looks like we are back for more, and the Elm Street franchise seems to be on the decline… but then again, that could just be me. We will have to wait and see what the Chop’s opinion on all of this is! I thought that this one had potential to be something more, but, erm… not so much to reach out and take it. Pffffff.

a nightmare on elm street 5 the dream child poster

SYNOPSIS: Alice, having survived the previous installment of the Nightmare series, finds the deadly dreams of Freddy Krueger starting once again. This time, the taunting murderer is striking through the sleeping mind of Alice’s unborn child. His intention is to be “born again” into the real world. The only one who can stop Freddy is his dead mother, but can Alice free her spirit in time to save her own son? – via IMDB

JB

Alright, alright. We are back. For more Freddy. Alice is front and centre of this one again and she be preggers people, and that is where Freddy is finding his way back into everyone’s lives again. Okay, sometime in between losing her brother and graduating, Alice is a happy soul once again and seems to be totally over how things were. Dad is around, but it seems he has kicked the liquor habit and is totally there for his daughter. That was one change I liked.

a nightmare on elm street 5 freddy water

Anyway, Dan and Alice are kicking it together still (again, not sure who and what exactly he is in love with, seems she retained all the traits of her old dead friends and family). She seems to have made new friends and what not, so that’s alright, it’s normal, it’s what people do. BUT THEN there is logic that is all over the show, inconsistent and ridiculous, and some dodgy effects to boot at times. It just doesn’t make sense and it’s silly and not in the fun way, either!

a nightmare on elm street 5 drink and drive

The Dream Child spends a lot of time focusing on Freddy’s mama, Amanda, who was briefly introduced in Dream Warriors, and here she is. Tortured soul and all that (who would have guessed?!) who needs saving. She also seems to be the key element to beat Freddy. Never mind that, after losing Dan (again, just quickly write off the old survivors to introduce fresh meat), Alice discovers that she is preggers. Yep, baby is causing Freddy to come back for them, though he used his mama in some sick twisted way to rebirth some sick twisted version of him (I didn’t write the script, but damn people!). Oh well, Freddy is back in action, and he is on a mission again (what else??).

a nightmare on elm street 5 glove resurrectiona nightmare on elm street 5 complete resurrection

This one… was just… yeah. I liked some of the characters (and by some I mean Mark, make sure you read that correctly) and I was seriously not surprised to see someone going to sleep to hunt down Freddy and asking some useless lump to wake them if things looked like they were devolving into a nightmare, and said useless lump falls asleep (and this useless lump was Mark, sadly). However, his death may have flicked around the corny side, but I had a lot of fun with how it was done.

a nightmare on elm street 5 super freddy

There were things that I did like about this one, such as Mr Johnson being alright again and standing up for his daughter, looking a little more at Freddy’s history, and I liked seeing Alice’s son Jacob hanging around with Freddy, that was all good and well, but how they ended that story was disappointing. I thought they could have done a lot more with that, though Freddy was pretty darn bright to use Jacob as a way to get to Alice and her people.

a nightmare on elm street jacob

Whichever way you spin it, The Dream Child is massively flawed, and it needn’t have been that way. I think by this time the franchise was just looking to make a quick buck, not give us something as great as the original, it all became comical and gimmicky and stupid and a total waste of time. That said… there are dodgier ones to come still :/

The chop

JB!!! Well – I think this is all I have to say today….

noelmg

Just kidding. If I were to come out here and just say that, that would be just as shit as the movie itself. I really didn’t like this one and I thought this was all a real fucking reach. I mean, watch the meatballs in the spaghetti here:

NOELMe

I mean – for one thing – maybe it’s just not customary here but, who makes up a nice bowl of spaghetti and meatballs and then just puts the untouched dish in the fridge?

“Hi honey! I made you some dinner! Your pasta and meatballs with no sauce is in the fridge getting cold. It’s there next to a stack of oranges . Kisses!”

Anyway – I do wonder how much cocaine was going through the veins and synapses of the guys who green-lit this story? You saw the synopsis above – HEY is that two words with “syn_ps_s: in one sentence??? How about that??? Look at me go!! That’s much more exciting than this movie!

NOELMd

So Fred Krueger, one time child killer, now an immortal demon from hell, has died again and again and again and again and this time he comes back to life through a potential victim’s unborn baby. And he does. In a dream.  And, even though he was a regular person before they burned him alive in that boiler room, he’s born all scarry and wretched. Yep. MM HMMMMMM.

NOELMc

So he goes and gets his old clothes back and declares himself immortal and *sigh*…..

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Sorry I’m at a loss for words on this one. I didn’t really care much for it and, honestly, don’t remember much about it – I cared so little. Fred has gone from a child killing janitor to some sort of wise cracking immortal demon from hell… NOTHING can stop Fred I’m-a-demon-pimp Krueger. NOTHING. SIGH

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At least I found this while searching “nightmare on elm street five gifs”.

NOELMf

Things can only get better with number 6, right?????????????????????

 

IT READS: PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES (2009) SETH GRAHAME-SMITH

PPZ

As a little back story to this feature – I use to be a very avid book reader before I got entangled in the world of blogging and just started reading blogs all day. I even had / have a book review site that I wrote on occasionally that I haven’t updated since January of 2013.  The other day I opened the bureau to get something out of it and I noticed the STACK of unread books I have sitting there and got nostalgic for the smell and feel of printed material and thought to myself, “You know what? I’m going to read a fucking book!” And, since I know Zoë is such a fan of book reading I told her about my new dedication and she was all “YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA YOU CHOP!!!!” and we discussed posting about it / them out here. Then we discussed my book review site and how I want to turn it down and we thought maybe we could put some of them out here on Zuts, not only to build her library but also to not just throw away all of that fucking typing I did.

So, today we present another installment of IT READS: and we’ll go with the entertaining and pretty hilarious PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES

P.S. This was actually written a few years ago so those of you familiar with my style my find this a little different. And – look at that naming convention!

***

It’s been awhile since I read this, but since I just finished the trilogy, i wanted to have the whole group out here. This is, of course, the “mash-up” that started the new genre. I remember seeing it on the shelves somewhere, i think Barnes and Noble, and thinking, hmmmm, interesting. Then my friend’s wife was reading it and he told me she thoroughly enjoyed it, so i picked it and – it was pretty, pretty GOOD! Of course, the concept here is taking Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice” and inserting organ eating zombies (called Dreadfuls or in proper English the Sorry Stricken {one never uses the word Zombie in polite society}), ninjas, training in the Deadly Arts, all among the harrowing Victorian English countryside where class and money are everything. The poor (no money or endowments) Bennets live in a rustic, quaint manor, the griping forlorn mother, the inept and weary father, and five sisters, the key lead Elizabeth – she is the focal point of the plot. She has suitors yes, and one is Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, pompous and rich, a class above! nephew to the matriarch of the land, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, Dreadful slayer of historic renown, wealthy beyond means. When Lizzy captures Darcy’s heart, the class difference creates unbearable discomfort (the actual pride and prejudice) and a volley of differences ensue, along with brain eating sons of Satan.

This book is good, very funny, very well done – something worth reading. What I think, to me, sets this as my least favorite in the trilogy (that being still very good), is that we have to deal with the actual Austen writing style, and not the fun satire we get with “recreating the Regency England style” in the other two, which were not “co-written”. I can only imagine that I would become one of the living dead if i had to sit through reading the original P and P, it seems so heavy handed. And boring beyond means. Thankfully the dead have risen and the throwing stars are flying in here, because this makes good, gut eating fun of the original.

if you didn’t know, they are making this into a movie, I think with Keira Knightley as Lizzy and Grahame-Smith went on to write another best selling mash-up “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” which is also being turned into a film. This guy’s got a hot hand!

Top Ten Dongs I Never Need To See Again

Hello Sporadians!! The Chop here today reporting that I recently went and saw GONE GIRL and I really liked it but, I also have to report that I saw two too many dongs in that thing. I mean really!! So, as I am casually known as the Boobs and Blood guy, I was inspired to put together a Top Ten list of people’s dongs I never need to see again as long as I live.

10. The guy from THE PERFUME OF THE LADY IN BLACK.

Through a series of flashbacks we learn that this man wearing only an undershirt and NOTHING else has his way with this lady’s mother, and then turns his intentions to her as a young child. Nothing graphic is shown in the form of what happens to the youth but, as the man dismounts her mother, his sausage comes with him, Flopptiy Flop. Gross.

DONG10

9. Sylvester Stallone’s salami from THE ITALIAN STALLION.

MMM HMMMMM Yep. Rocky did a porn. How do I know this? I learned to read at a very young age and one day I was reading the paper, looking at the movie section and saw that a new Rocky movie had been released called THE ITALIAN STALLION (which is Rocky’s nickname). I guess, after ROCKY was so successful, they re-released it out to unsuspecting viewers like my mother who was ROCKY’s biggest fan. So, off we went and the thirteen year old ticket taker didn’t give a fuck what he was doing so there we were. We didn’t stay long. I see on IMDB it’s now called THE PARTY AT KITTY AND STUD’S. Nice.

DONG9

8. Terry O’Quinn’s wiener in THE STEPFATHER.

UM. Didn’t expect that! After he murders his family, he barbers his own hair, shaves his beard and exposes himself to the camera while getting in the shower. Thanks but no thanks, guy from Lost.

DONG8

7. Dr. Manhattan’s low hanging torpedo from WATCHMEN. (That link is NOT to WATCHMEN).

You’d think that when they head to Ozmandias’ HQ up at the top of the world that there would be some shrinkage there, but NOPE.  Dingle Dangle Dingle Dangle.

DONG7

6. Scrotey’s Lil Pee Pee

Zutsonians who don’t read my site probably won’t get this reference so you might skip over it. Scrotey is one of my oldest friends. One night, back when I was a single dude living in an apartment, he came over so we could go out and do something. When he arrived I was talking on a telephone with my manager at the time. I guess he got impatient since I wasn’t paying him any attention so he poured a glass of water from the sink tap and put his dong in it and showed it to me.  That was kind of an awkward pause in the conversation with my female manager.

DONG6

5. Luke Abbott ORACLE OF FILM.

I don’t believe there’s anything else that needs to be said on this topic.

DONG5

4. Neil Patrick Harris’ Willie from GONE GIRL.

REALLY???? A bloody weenus from NPH??? Also – why was he chosen to be the guy who bops that crazy bitch in the movie?? Him??? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

#NeilPatrickHarrisWeiner

DONG4

3. The guy with the moustache that’s been in every porn I’ve ever seen.

I’ve never seen a porn but this guy has been in almost every one I’ve ever seen, including Brian Johnson’s wedding video. For real, pop in a porn and he’ll be there. I think, I’ve never seen one.

DONG3

2. Marky Mark and his enormous hog leg from BOOGIE NIGHTS.

UM. Yeah.

DONG2

1. Bruce Willis’ Little Finger from COLOR OF NIGHT.

I mean, not only was this one of the worst movies I saw during the 90s. but I also had the unfortunate opportunity to view Willis swimming around naked, Dong, Taint and all. I mean REALLY??? What does he think he is, FRENCH???

DONG1