JB & The Chop Do: Freddy vs Jason (2003)

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Here we are again, Zutsonians! The second to last one…. it’s sad that this will be coming to an end soon but ——————– do we have anything in store next???? You’ll have to keep tuning in here to find out!!! Here’s a teaser: yes we do! I believe Zoë is doing these out of her own free will but I know I just LOVE our projects ❤ ❤ <3!

So…. yeah……….. Freddy vs Jason – I would like to say that this was my favorite of the bunch but I don’t think it beats the first – or even the second maybe, for that matter. This was definitely more modern and sleek and VERY bloody but I am more of a Jason guy and seeing Fred turn him into a crying baby for a few minutes was kind of off-putting. I also thought the end was WAY too drawn out and could have been cut down a little – I mean – it was almost ridiculous AND (maybe I’m being a dick) but isn’t Fred Krueger a human when he’s not in Hell or whatever? No human being could take the kind of beating he takes from Jason and still keep swinging. Oh well, I definitely didn’t hate it or anything and Katherine Isabelle!!! SMOOCH SMOOCH SMOOCH!!!!! GROPE GROPE GROPE!!! Let’s see what we’ve got here….

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SYNOPSIS: It’s been nearly ten years since Freddy Krueger terrorized people in the dreams, and the towns folk want to keep him erased from their memory. Freddy still has one more plan on getting back to Elm Street. He resurrects Jason Voorhees and sends him off to kill. The more bodies which fall to the ground, the stronger in which Freddy becomes. This is until, Freddy realizes that Jason isn’t going to step aside easily, and must be taken down himself. – via IMDB

The chop

So Fred is in hell and – aw snap – everyone in the town where Elm Street is has forgotten about him and he’s real sore about it. So he decides to resurrect Jason Voorhees to help stir the pot a little while he creeps back into peoples dreams comes back to life as a real human being capable of slicing up John Ritter’s kid and a bunch of stoners. There’s also a rave in a cornfield and something to do with some sleep studies and Monica Keena:

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Keena is there to represent, I believe, the sensuality found in nature – the physical embodiment of what Fred Krueger failed to achieve in his life – a blending of the purest form of love found only in drea – whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat:

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Where was I?? Sorry about that. Kruger and his buddy Voorhees decide to have a strip poker party and invite Keena as the entertainment. She works the stripper pole for an hour and a half and leaves with The Chop to do some private entertaining in the Champagne Room where touching is allowed and because she likes him so much it’s Pro Fucking Gratis. Three hours go by and –

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SHIT!! Sorry about that!! My mind must have wandered hahhahahahaha! So at that Rave I was talking about, Keena and The Chop do just a little Ecstasy and slip off into the cornfields to rub each other’s backs and shoulders and give back and thigh massages and maybe even do a little kissing and petting and then end up stark naked and examining each other #ForScience #Research #Studies #Doctorate #Professor

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Sweet Jesus, what’s going on here today???? Did someone turn up the heater in this building or something? Someone might need to hose me down with some cold water or something….

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So I’m sitting here in my office writing this piece and Keena shows up and asks me if I like her shirt. I tell her it looks pretty good but she better take it off so I can inspect the fabric, you know – to see how soft it is. I wouldn’t want it to be abrasive or anything. I have nothing but her breasts best interests in mind, so she takes it off and hands it over to me and I sniff it real good and hide it in my file cabinet for safe keeping and lock my office door and we start to 

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Like I was saying, Krueger is back and wants to start killing again and then he and Jason have a big fight to the death! YAY!!!!! WHOOP!!!!!! HUZZAH!!!! GO GO BUFFALO!!!!

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You’ll have to excuse me for a few minutes. I need to get some air.

JB

Alright, so I have a crazy soft spot for Freddy vs Jason, I have an absolute blast with it all the time. It was cheesy, it was fast, it was so painfully clichéd in some places and all that, but it was just totally worth looking into. It was just one of those mash-ups that worked in so many ways. I am not usually a fan of these things, but this one was just what it needed to be, and it came together well.

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Freddy vs Jason is certainly more of a Freddy Krueger movie for me, as it seemed he was the one with the biggest plot and also seen as the most dangerous villain. I thought that Ken Kirzinger did a damn fine job as Jason, and he was just one hulking monster taking people out all the time, and I was totally alright with that (who knows, one of these days we might look at all the crazy films that belong to the Friday the 13th canon). Robert Englund simply owned as Freddy Krueger (again – as if we expected anything else).

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One of the best things about this movie is the fight scenes. I thought they were well done, action packed and just a little dodgy at times… in the very best way, of course! There were syringes, machetes, air canister missile things, Freddy’s glove, fire, water, everything. Outrageous to boot but awesome!

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Something I must admit – there are a lot of boobs in this one. Not necessarily open, out there on display boobs, but holy crapsticks, I think the lead was cast purely on what she looked liked when squeezing her bust into an itty-bitty shirt. I am sure that was just awesome for the male viewers, really.

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I enjoyed the premise, and Ronny Yu did a great job directing this. He managed to fuse the two universes successfully (in my opinion). The pacing was fine, the plot was better than most we have seen in the Krueger canon at the end (though the same can be said of Jason’s films), and the soundtrack worked for it. Also, some Katharine Isabelle for those of you who are interested.  You can’t really go wrong with Freddy vs Jason for a thriller/horror/action type thing, and there were some great throwbacks to both the franchises. I know that this movie isn’t the most popular, but I totally think it is deserving of some love.

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

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Review: Friday the 13th (1980)

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“You’re doomed! You’re all doomed!”
– Crazy Ralph

So I decided to start on this whole movie series after the unforgettable Freddy vs. Jason. It was not really in my repertoire until then, and I have not seen them in order ever I don’t think. I have seen them all, here and there and everywhere, but never sat down and followed the story beginning until end. I suppose there is a first time for everything. I popped in the very first piece or material the franchise churned out, and prepared. I was never overly keen on this one.

Camp Crystal Lake has been abandoned for years, yet this summer a whole group of young people return to prepare as counsellors what with the camp reopening for the public again. Steve Christy (Peter Brouwer) employs the help of a lot young adults, and they start to make headway on the camp, and getting it ready. The place needs a lot of work as it has been closed for many years, due to the murders and all.

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Crazy Ralph

On the way to the camp, the future cook, Annie ( Robbi Morgan), crosses through town and asks for a lift in. She gets extremely strange looks, almost as though she is pitied and they think she is a raging loon. Matters are not helped when she is offered a lift and runs into Crazy Ralph (Walt Gorney), who is screaming apocalyptic-like fear into her. She thinks he has lost his mind, and continues on. She gets dropped ten miles out of town, ten miles from the camp, and says she will walk the remaining stretch. On the way, she is picked up by a Jeep, and this is where we first realize things are definitely not what they appear to be.

Back at Camp Crystal Lake, Jack Burrel (Kevin Bacon), Ned Rubinstein (Mark Nelson), Alice Hardy (Adrienne King), Marcie Cunningham (Jeannine Taylor), Bill (Harry Crosby), and Brenda (Laurie Bartram) all fool around carelessly, preparing camp, swimming, eating and playing games. They are enjoying this far more than they should be. Mr Christy heads into town for some supplies and things, and they are all left to their own antics. Naturally, party mode kicks in, and they go wild.

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One of the few murders we actually saw the result of

The camp being slowly but surely prepared, the counsellors start to creep off to their own antics, and sex and drinking runs rampant throughout the split groups. The saying strength in numbers must have some meaning, though, seeing as when the group splits, they inexplicably start getting picked off, slaughtered one by one, and none of the others seem any the wiser. The horror stories of Camp Crystal Lake being known as Camp Blood come flooding back, and the deaths of the old counsellors start coming back to haunt the campsite.

Will any of these people survive being butchered by the great unknown out there? Is it true that there is more at play here than meets the eye, and that someone truly has a score to settle?

Friday the 13th is worth no more than a 5/10 from me, and that is being far too nice. This was not a good way to open a film franchise, and I am surprised it took off with this being the first bet. I was frustrated but loved the old school aspect that makes a horror for me, like hopping into the only available working vehicle, but leaving on foot because there is a corpse in the back, throwing one of the only escape contingency plans you had out of the window without a care in the world. The acting left much to be desired, but it was entertaining to see Kevin Bacon in something so old school. There is not much to actually say about this film because nothing really happened for an hour and a half. I swear, I felt as though the movie was far longer, so imagine the shock I got when it was virtually movie peanuts time for real. It got interesting when Pamela Voorhees (Betsy Palmer) was introduced to the audience, and told the truly sad story of the drowning of her son, Jason, due to the counsellors being too interested in sex than watching the kids they swore to look out for. Palmer played her role well as the disturbed mother with a distinctly split personality type thing, housing her angered self and dead son.

This movie a different kettle of fish: you did not see any of the murders actually occurring  which is sort of a let down (yes, I sound absolutely sick and disgusting, I know), and half of them you did not even see the finished effects. It was just assumed, with a cheesy scream, that damn, they have also died now. Also, the camera work was trained on one central murderous character, of which you only see the occasional unrelated and unidentifiable thing, such as a hand or something, with the only distinct marker being the huge ring on the murderer’s finger. This means that there is no one to actually associate the fear with, if that makes any sense? It was just someone moving around the woods, nothing more, nothing left. There was nothing I could bite into my nails over. I also found that there is not much to say about the plot of the movie or anything seeing as most of the movie revolved around the antics of teenagers: strip Monopoly, beers, flirtation, sex, nakedness… Also I think that when a person hears “Friday the 13th”, it is synonymous with “Jason Voorhees”, and it is such a disappointment that the machete-wielding lunatic is not featured.

Review: Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

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“I’m dying to see what skeletons are hidden in your closet.”
– Freddy Krueger

Oh yeah, you saw that right. I am all over this again, relentlessly. I think it is safe to say we all know I  have a minor Freddy obsession, but this concept was absolutely brilliant for me. Freddy Krueger in a major show down with Jason Voorhees? No ways, get out! But yes, that is exactly what it is! So who in their right minds would avoid it?

Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) cannot prowl Elm Street in Springwood anymore. It seems that the residents finally wised up, and although it was a little unethical, I can completely comprehend why they did what they did. All the children that ever knew Freddy have been sent to Westin Hills, a psychiatric institution, and treated intensely for their dreams. The rest of the town does not even acknowledge his existence, and have erased anything that could link anyone to the history of Freddy. If no one fears him, he cannot do his dirty work, can he?

Freddy misses stalking his Elm Street prey, and is desperate to get a foot in the door again. He devises an almost ingenious plan: awaken Jason Voorhees (Ken Kirzinger) and send him to Springwood. Instilling that fear will give him power again, and with the fear he can roam freely again. Naturally everyone would think it is him, right? Kitted out as Mrs Pamela Voorhees (Paula Shaw), Freddy comes back and coaxes Jason to rise again and hunt in Springwood.

In Springwood, Lori Campbell (Monica Keena) lives on 1428 Elm Street. This makes her the unfortunate yet logical choice of where the brutality will begin. Her friends Kia Waterson (Kelly Rowland) and Gibb (Katherine Isabelle) are staying over, and try to get her to hook up with another guy in hopes that she will finally let go of her ex, Will Rollins (Jason Ritter), who abandoned her and has never made the effort to contact her. Lori is unable to move on, though. Gibb’s boyfriend and friend visit, and her boyfriend gets butchered by Jason. The teenagers runs screaming for help, and run into the all helpful Deputy Scott Stubbs (Lochlyn Munro).

While at the police station, Lori hears hushed chatter about Freddy Krueger, and has no idea who and what he is. The cops are desperately trying to keep it all under wraps, fearing that as soon as people know that someone was slaughtered in the Elm Street house, panic would spread like wildfire. Lori is not prepared to let it go. Neither is the newcomer to town, Deputy Stubbs. He begins his own informal and independent investigation into the machete man who ripped up a party and the history of the Elm Street house.

Will, in the psychiatric hospital, sees that there was a brutal murder in the Elm Street house, and his friend, Mark Davis (Brendan Fletcher), escape to go and see if Lori is alright. The couple reunites, but Mark has made the mistake of spreading the Krueger fear, and in so is giving Freddy more strength.

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Freddy makes the startling discovery that he has no control over Jason. He brought him back for a purpose, and once it is reached, he has no way to keep Jason in check. Slaughtering the kids and hunting Jason seem to take up equal parts of Freddy’s energy, but the more a pain in the ass that Jason becomes, the more his concentration shifts to eliminating the thorn in his side.

The kids all notice that Freddy is shifting his attention to Jason, and decide to exploit it to the max. Hauling an unconscious Jason Voorhees into their Scooby Van, they set off toward Crystal Lake. Their plan is to put Lori under, and bring Freddy back out of the dream with her, and then leave Jason and Freddy to take care of each other, but wish to shift the odds into Jason’s favour by having him on his home turf. The plan has flaws, but unfortunately it is the only plan that they have. The showdown between Freddy and Jason is awesome, with ridiculous dialogue, but solid effects.

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My geek out to the fusing of the theme songs

Freddy vs. Jason earns a solid 6.5/10 for me. I was overly entertained by the slashing and the rivalry, the cinematography was great and again, the cheese. I loved it, and I know a lot of people bashed the film, but I thought it was a great integration of the two horror cults. Freddy again coins the term “bitch” more times than you can shake a stick at, but I kept on adding “bitch” in mentally when he was talking to Jason. So weird to hear him argue minus the expletive. I will most definitely review this film in more depth when I do a re-run of the Friday the 13th collection. I particularly enjoyed it right at the start when the New Line Cinema logo rolled onto the screen, and there was the perfect production of the Nightmare On Elm Street and Friday the 13th theme songs fusing together. Yep, the inner geek made a small appearance! I thought the way the two stories were merged was great, typical slasher flick, lots of blood, guts, gore and crappy dialogue, and enough cheese to last a lifetime. It is one of those concepts that can either work well for you or go up in flames. I will always appreciate the consistency of Robert Englund returning as the horror master, as well as the fact that they corrected the Freddy costume again after the debacle of the last one, but I see it is not him that returns in the 2010 film. Major damper for me there. I don’t even know if I can bring myself to watch it. Definitely worth the watch, however, it was great fun.