JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Haunting (2011)

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Amityville is still in full swing people! Hell yeah, you know it! We have been having a crazy party for weeks now every Friday, and it just keeps getting better. Can this franchise top itself? It it even possible? After last week’s awesome entry, could they keep going in a strong direction? Well, they’ve tried their hand at the old found footage thing. Yep. Found footage. True story! Well… what did we think about their found footage dabbling? Read on to find out!

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SYNOPSIS: This movie is a ‘found-footage’ film about the Benson family who move in to the infamous house where the DeFeo family were murdered in the 1970s over 30 years earlier. Things start happening to anyone who visits this house, and whoever lives there. This is the footage retrieved from the camera. – via IMDB

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Are you fucking joking? I mean really?! As if these movies weren’t offensive enough, we have stepped into found footage filming! I promise you! Found footage!!

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This piece of crap movie starts with friends all banging in this Amityville house and then there is a family moving in.

From there, things get so much freaking worse. I kid you not. The lamest, stupidest, cheesiest deaths all start happening. Nobody can act to save their lives, and there was no creepy aspect to it. None whatsoever.

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I always seem to get to the place in these ridiculous movies that I think there is no possible way they can get worse. I always think this. I am always wrong. This is by far one of the worst movies I have ever watched. And I am not even just saying that. I mean it. I just couldn’t buy into anything that went on. The characters were stupid, the movie was shot ridiculously, the dialogue was so faulty, everything was just fucking stupid and I hated every second of it. There was nothing to commend about it, either, nothing creepy, nothing that could mean anything.

The camera being ever present was not realistically explained at all (which I know is common to most found footage movies) but hell. This one… I just… and that dad was a prick on top of it all. His family was pretty terrified of him, and that nobody addressed that is beyond me. Abusive twat. Plus he went cuckoo in the end. Totally batshit crazy.

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Alos, they are calling this house the Amityville house. Is this where we have gotten? After all this time?

Hold the phones kids! Apparently DeFeo didn’t kill anyone and someone else did and that someone else is like.. tiny and I just don’t even know how we got to this dark and evil place. How the fuck could these movies get any worse that they already were?!

Confession Time:

1 hours 23 minutes took me 6 hours to watch. I am the fucking master of all procrastinators.

master-procrastinorI hated it.

I FUCKING HATED IT.

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This goddamned movie sucked the most balls out of anything I think I have ever seen. Some puke family buys “the Amityville house” from the original even though it’s been destroyed in all of the sequels. This bag of puke films the entire thing and we have to see his bag of puke face way too many fucking times:

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Being found footage, the cocksucking camera glistens and statics and puke shit ghosts appear. See this next picture?

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That’s allegedly the ghost of the kid who killed everyone in the first one except he’s like, eight.  Apparently he’s haunting the house and causing workers and real estate people to die. He also eats the daughter’s cereal and stands there by the fucking door. At one point the dad gets mad and starts punching the air where he thinks the ghost is. It’s the fucking stupidest thing I have ever seen and I wanted to take a fat shit on this movie but I was watching it on my computer and didn’t want to soil my brand new monitor.

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I hated everything about this movie: the puke acting, the puke found footage, the puke Amityville house with it’s fancy new appliances and wood floors, the puke ghosts, the puke ending and the puke puke I puked while watching this puke. FUCK YOU, movie!

JB & The Chop Do: Amityville II – The Possession (1982)

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You know, when Eric picked these movies, I thought there were a few, and I knew they wouldn’t be great, but I went with it because hey, let’s see what else there is to watch! Well… then we got these. Really we did. It is pain, it is torture! BUT it is our duty to keep everybody informed and safe from such evils (if you have been fortunate enough to miss the bulk of these), and we take our job seriously! Now, the Chop and I checked out Amityville II: The Possession, and while the fact that I flipped out about it is widely known, let’s look at this one last time, see what Eric has to say!

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SYNOPSIS: An Italian-American family move into a house built on an ancient Indian burial ground. The oldest son is possessed by an evil spirit, and is forced to murder his family. The family’s priest feels responsible, and tries to save the possessed boy’s soul. – via IMDB

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As you all know, I absolutely hated this. I hated this enough to submit it as my Shitfest entry in the latest running. I mean I didn’t expect great things from this series, but I don’t know when last I watched something that I wanted to scream and rage about. This one was certainly that. Fucking ridiculous I tell you.

I reiterate: Fuck. This. Movie. Fuck it. Don’t go near it. Don’t touch it. Don’t even blink in the direction of it. Do not even, for a minute, consider entertaining that thought that, for a joke, encourages you to check this out. Just don’t even go there. For your own health. For your own safety.

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This movie was heavy handed. It was useless. The characters sucked. The dad was an abusive nitwit that I couldn’t bear to look at, and we had to deal with watching him beat up the kids in the family. That wasn’t even just alluded to. As if my stomach wasn’t churning enough, we have a brother and a sister going all the way with each other, you know, cause that’s how it is supposed to be done. I was horrified.

This movie aimed to shock more than anything, and I really think it wanted to be the next Exorcist movie, but that was just doomed and never meant to be. This was just badly put together in every which way. Ugh. What a waste of my life. I will never get it back. Never, ever, ever. This movie was offensive, and I would not even recommend this to my own worst enemy.

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Watching this, I was ready to pop someone!

I have no idea how they realistically want to tie this in with the original because come on, nothing fits, nothing gels, nothing works, so I just cannot even tie it in with that one. It just fucks out, and someone should be burnt at the stake for creating this godawful life-stealing, hunk of junk crappy film.

I mean, you can head on over here to check out my Shitfest entry, where I discussed the abusive cunt father, the possessed sister-shagger son, the heavy handed directing and useless movie overall in much more detail.

STAY AWAY. FAR AWAY. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

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Well, here we are again with a prequel to the big hit The Amityville Horror. This time around the studio bends over and puts its ass in the air to tell the story of the previous family who lived in the scary, old house before James Brolin and Lois Lane. Remember – that was the big money making opening scene in the first movie where the kid went in and gunned down his own family in the middle of the night? Remember how that scared the shit out of everyone? Well, let’s see how they did in telling their story. Hey look! It’s Paulie from Rocky!! Hi Paulie! Are you going to break the mold and be a real stand up guy in this one?? Spoiler – he’s not and this movie says:

“FUCK YOU CONTINUITY!!!”

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So this happy family moves in and the dad is a cocksucking dickhead but the rest of them seem ok although the brother and sister seem a little off. I’m sure they’re just really close like most siblings are. Maybe they’re even BFFs! Nice sweater, kid. I wonder if it will come off later.

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And, like always when you buy a 100 year old house, soon the faucets are running blood and there are flies everywhere and mirrors are cracking and there’s a giant hole in the ground that leads to hell.

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Undeterred, they continue to lead good Christian lives until the son gets horny and he and his sister start doing some fuckin’ – so – yep – that sweater popped off. At first she’s not into it and even confesses to a priest that she went “all the way with…. a friend” but later in the movie she encourages it so I’m confused with that but… eventually the mom gets wind of their behavior and confronts them then the dad gets home, gets drunk and beats the three of them up and down the house.

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In the biggest piece of SHITFEST continuity ever produced, the kid kills his parents there in the living room around dinner time and then murders his sisterlover on the stairs so basically this movie says FUCK YOU to the opening of the first, even though it’s made by the same people.

#weak
#idiots
#terrible
#fuckinglosers

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Another part of the creepy charm, or what have you, of the first one is that there’s this big money scene where Brolin is getting all batshit and he’s in the library reading some microfiche and he comes across the newspaper article regarding the murder of the family before they move in. Scroll, scroll, scroll he does and finds the accompanying picture of the murderer in the backseat of the cop car and: IT LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM!!!! DUM DUM DUM!!!!

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Let’s see here:

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FAIL!!!!

Then things start to get worse as some priest thinks the kid is just possessed, so this movie gets it’s Exorcist on and it’s really lame all the way to the end.

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Although, I must admit, there was one thing that was absolutely horrifying. Towards the end, the poor, sweaterless girl returns as as a demon and tempts the priest to have sex with her. I don’t know how they pulled it off but it’s absolutely the most terrifying, lip licking seduction of all time. I tried to make a gif of it but this is the first gif I’ve ever made so it’s not the best thing in the world, but hopefully you get the picture.

CONFESS!

Since we’re posting these after SHITFEST, I already know how JB feels about this one. I didn’t hate it as much as she did, but it’s not good.  We have’t talked about it yet, but I lobby that this is a million times better than the third….