JB & The Chop Do: Scream 4 (2011)

JB & THE CHOP SCREAM

After taking such a long hiatus – and relieving the public of my constant shame – I want to say that I have had a shitload of fun doing this again, JB. Thanks for not giving up on me :  ) I haven’t exactly loved these Scream movies BUT I didn’t grow up on them like you did. I wonder what we can pick next… maybe something older – like ME! I remember the 90s as my young 20s when I moved out of my mom’s and went to college and had to start paying bills and shit and working 90 hours a week (for real). Those aren’t my fondest memories CRY CRY CRY. But, with that, I had to say this was probably my favorite one of the bunch… *walks slowly backwards out of the room….

scream 4 poster

SYNOPSIS: Ten years have passed, and Sidney Prescott, who has put herself back together thanks in part to her writing, is visited by the Ghostface Killer. – via IMDB

CHOP SCREAM

What made me like it the most out of the four? It came out in 2011 so it was a little more modern. It was definitely much  more gory,  #guts . Dewey seems to be back to his role as an inept #dingdong . I know the cast is principally the same but I liked the cameos. This came out right when True Blood was popular so I wonder how much they had to pay Anna Paquin and her #legs to be in this for two minutes? I also liked the fact that the killer made sense this time even though I still think the costume is not #tits . If you don’t get that reference, you can search my site for the three page explanation of how that term came into my life. Searching that word on my site will take you to probably 1000 of the 1300+ posts out there. Go find it and get back to me here. Maybe you’ll win a prize! A #booby prize!

Plus – Marley Shelton??? #??????????? any movie with her in it gets extra marks from me.

I also like Emma Roberts. I don’t think JB does but I do – I really liked her in Scream Queens.

You know what I didn’t like? This asshole’s hairdo. (Not the chick). A man’s hair should never blow in the wind! #fuckinhippies

I also really liked the publicist:

Where have I seen her before??? OH YEAH! She’s one of the leads from GLOW!

I loved that show! Bring on season two! More #spandex and #chickfights and #cleavage and #bighair and #showerscenes . #hashtag

I always try and end these runs with a nice thank you to the beloved JB, not that that happens consistently but… even though JB and I live on different continents, if it ever came down to it, and I was a zombie:

It gives It permission to end It without repercussions. It does not want It to end It in any way, but It saw this image and it made It think of It.

Always love,

It

JB SCREAM

And here we are, the final movie. Thank you all for sticking with us, reading, commenting, everything. As always, we appreciate it! It’s been a blast, and hopefully we will be back soon with something new!

I think that this is a damn fine entry to the series, especially after so many years passing in between. More solid than the last, that is for sure, and I really liked how it took the concept of Scream and modernised it to cellphones, vlogging, etc. So much has changed! I will always be a fan of the fact that the same cast has always returned for their roles, it just gives the whole experience a more cohesive and authentic feeling, which is awesome. I really like how these movies are all solid – truly, how many franchises can say that they have so many entries and that they are all well worth watching? *cough* Amityville *cough*

scream 4 don't fuck with the original

Thank goodness Cox’s hair was sorted out – Scream 3 did her no wonders whatsoever, and whoever styled her hair with that fringe should have been shot. Seriously. Her and Dewey being together is adorable, and I will not lie, that blonde woman, Hicks, who was hitting on Dewey? Really made me angry :/ Stay away or go find an available man, hooker! Even though the Chop thinks she is hot. Which is fine. But she must back off the Gale/Dewey thing!

And yes, the Chop is 100% right – I am still not sold on Emma Roberts. Even her face just looks like a spoiled brat to me, and she always comes across like that, too. Ugh. She isn’t even that great an actress (or I have yet to see her in anything where she wows me, at any rate).

Scream 4 brings on the slashing, the guts, the gore, some humour, more movie references than you can shake a stick at and all most all of our favourite characters. *cough cough* no Randy ;( The rules have been updated, too, for a more modern set, and it works for this. When this first came I just didn’t watch it, because… well… what if it didn’t end well? When I finally got to it I was pleasantly surprised, and definitely rank this over Scream 3.

scream 4 i'm gay rule

I almost died when they tried to call Rory Culkin’s Charlie Walker this generation’s Billy Loomis. Are you freaking kidding me?????? Are you?????? I mean I get the updating and all of that but… but… yeah. Still not, though I did like how he was worked with in this.

scream 4 ghostface door

Hayden Panettiere (who I am sure will always be Claire, the cheerleader, for me) initially struck me as potentially out of place in this, but fast becomes a fan favourite, she’s awesome.

scream 4 trying to do ghostface

Anyway, after all is said and done, I just want to thank Eric from the bottom of my heart for doing these movies with me! I am glad to see you liked them, even if you didn’t love them! I am so excited for any and all future projects that we will do together (and damn, those Amityville movies are racking up again). This is always fun and you rock 😀

PS: It loves Its picture, but It will not be ending It in a hurry!

JB & The Chop Do: Scream 3 (2000)

JB & THE CHOP SCREAM

Peeps! We are totally on a roll with these movies, the most awesome Chop and I! Man, I have been having a blast, and I am thrilled the Chop was game to do another one of these. So now we are on to the third part of the original trilogy. This is, in my opinion, the weakest of the four Scream films… but what did PSC think of this thing?

scream 3 poster

SYNOPSIS: While “Stab 3” is in production, somebody in a ghost mask starts to murder the new cast members. This lures Sidney out from hiding deep in the woods where she lives, and she comes to Hollywood to face the killer for the final act. – via IMDB

JB SCREAM

So let me immediately start out by saying that Courtney Cox’s hairdresser completely screwed up her hair. Gale is this hot, tenacious reporter with very few qualms. Then she’s back here, and she is all those things but that fringe. Plus her wardrobe. Okay, there was just a lot appearance-wise that was just not working for her in this. Goodness. It was like a horror movie all on its own!

This one certainly lacked the charm of the previous two. I appreciated what was being done here, though I was not a big fan of everything being “the movies” and “on set”. It was gimmicky and didn’t work for very long. Scream 3 is certainly the flimsiest of the lot – the story is absolutely ridiculous, but what saves this is the consistency – seriously, the story, the actors reprising their roles, the humour, Sidney still wearing Derek’s necklace, it all works so well in keeping this movie afloat more so than it would otherwise have worked.

Randy Meeks got a little cameo, which was cool.

Neve Campbell truly is fantastic as Sidney, and she is one of my all time favourite horror movie heroines. She just won’t make anything easy for anyone and stands her ground. She is afraid, but she is also sick and tired of all the bullshit. Much love man, much love.

scream 3 it's your turn to scream

The “romance” of the phone calls has been lost, there are calls, but more often than not, like the last, it is more about slashing and killing than anything else. Scream 3 totally delivers on the gore and all, but yeah, there was just something missing.

scream 3 bodyguard attack

Totally stoked to see Gale and Dewey back at it again – this is a romance I will always love. It is just so silly and it works.

Parker Posey irritates the ever-loving crap out of me always, and this movie was no exception. Aside from the silly story, I think she is the main culprit as to why this movie is not a little higher in my esteem, though I still enjoy it. She is grating, annoying, loud, ridiculous, and just all round grating. I don’t ever find her to be an asset or a selling point in a cast.

scream 3 i'm the killer

Anyway, Scream 3 is still fun, though definitely a decline after the other two, but miles ahead of most horror/shasher sequels. The reasoning and explanations get pretty fucking thin (har har) here, but it still entertains nonetheless, and the consistency of these movies elevates it. Much fun.

CHOP SCREAM

Scream 3! The last one! Bangs! Like I’ve said before, I’m not really familiar with these things, but I did find myself laughing a few times in this. Was this supposed to be more of a horror comedy? Or was this supposed to be a horror and the new writer through in some laughs? I know all three of these have aimed to poke fun at themselves for being a horror movie, sequel, etc but this one was kind of funny. Mostly with these two:

I’ve NEVER been a fan of Parker Posey but for some reason I liked her in this. She’s kind of…. dumb but hangs in there. When her and Bangs start screaming and running around with their arms flailing in the air, I liked it. LOL They also had some of the better lines. I liked it when Cox was tied up, off screen and she yells, “SHOOT THE FUCKER!”

I also see Jenny McCarthy’s in here. Obviously for her very good acting skills.

Plus, she really just screams purple!

The keen eye will also notice Emily Mortimer’s décolletage – look at me using fancy words!

I remember when this guy was popular as a kid – before JB was even born. Then he was popular again on that TV show which I never understood. My bad, I guess. Nice hair, bro.

So someone else has a hood and a mask and a knife and a voice altering device. He or she is going around stabbing people and throwing them through glass doors. While this one was bloodier and décolletage-ier, I thought this was pretty flimsy. Like – there’s this one scene where Campbell is running away from the ghost face guy and she opens this door on a movie set and almost falls to her death but then, when she pushes ghosty out the door he falls onto a bed that wasn’t there three seconds before.

Or, during the big climax-explain-why-hes-doing-all-of-this scene, he’s talking to her for several minutes in the killer voice but he’s not even holding the voice modulator to his mouth… because he can’t…. because he’s wearing a fucking mask! Plus, the whole reasons why this person decided to mass murder all of these people in cold blood was kind of stupid. It was kind of the cinematic rendering of this:

Meanwhile, not only were there Creed posters on the wall of the movie-set’s house, there were Creed songs played over the credits. So, speaking of asses:

Anthony Scott Stapp. Get it?? A.S.S. Get it???? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAH I fucking crack myself up. I’ve already watched number 4 by now so I can say – YUM

JB & The Chop Do: Saw V (2008)

JB AND THE CHOP PRESENT SAW

Oh man. For reals. These movies keep going. More and more. Still working elaborately to provide a solid story to elevate it above the rest of horror franchises, but forcing in enough gore to keep curling your toes, and hell no people, not in the good kind of way!

saw 5 poster

SYNOPSIS: Following Jigsaw’s grisly demise, Mark Hoffman is commended as a hero, but Agent Strahm is suspicious, and delves into Hoffman’s past. Meanwhile, another group of strangers are put through a series of gruesome tests. – via IMDB

jb saw

First things first, 95 minutes again, score!

Naturally, we must open with some gory fucking slaying. There are like zero shockers here anymore. Screw it, you can all cringe with me:

saw v pendulum

Can I just mention that if someone jumped out at me in the dark, I’d have a fucking stroke? A few months ago I let my friend out the gate at my house, and it was late, it was dark. I have these tree things in the garden, and when I turned around and started walking back down to my flat, I realised something was amiss. I knew it, I could just feel it in the air. I walked real slow, and was waiting for my eyes to completely adjust. I realised that something was not right by one of the tree things, that the shadow was more hulking than usual. My heart skipped, I was in full on fight or flight mode, when my husband cracked up and told me “Don’t worry noodle, it’s just me.” I almost died just there, I was not pleased with him. Ugh.

rix scary

Just note – all these tree bush things are dead now cause it is winter, but in summer they are all open and leafy and shit. See how he is just lingering just after the one? Now imagine the dead of night, and we do live in a country with a hectic crime rate. So uncalled for.

While we are on the procrastination boat here, discussing everything but the movie, have you guys ever seen the video about living with Jigsaw? If not, I highly recommend it! At least this tangent is sort of related… right??

Anyway, enough rambling. I suppose I must get back to the movie. Meh. Dude. From the beginning it is evident that these people in the latest game should be working together, but oh nooooo, why on Earth would they do that? They were all actually quite frigging annoying, if we are being honest here, and we are all about honesty!

Patterson is, again, really good. I actually thoroughly enjoy his entry to the franchise. He is consistent, solid, believable. A character to root for, and goodness knows we haven’t actually had one of those throughout this series. He was just seriously on the wrong case at the wrong time.

Saw V strahm box

A gimmick that got old quickly was exploring the crime scenes from the back forward. I am so tired of the flashbacks within flashbacks in this series. I have to give it credit though (still), for a gory franchise featuring such gruesome crap, it really tried hard to have an actual story. That is more than most of these things can say. However, that does not change the fact that each of these movies is a recycled version of the last, PLUS AN UNEXPECTED TWIST. Pfffff. As if.

Saw V was going for a big narrative again, and this is where these movies fall short. As I mentioned above, respect for trying to weave this one, huge, elaborate plot and story and characters and all, but sometimes they try to take it too far, if you ask me.

I was also not liking this whole “Make Strahm Look Guilty” aspect at all. Then again, are any characters actually safe in this franchise? No. Pity they gave us one to root for. Fucking sadists.

Luckily this one was, again, not too noisy. Jeesh, some of those earlier ones were out of hand crazy, loud, grating. Anyway, this movie is super forgettable when it is all said and done, except for the end of it. That plotsie is one we remember (sheesh, really did see more of these silly films than I thought – shows you how they are totally not a memorable lot). Also – for such a short film, it felt long. So very long.

chop saw

First off, I need to issue an apology. Last week I mentioned that Julie Benz was in this and that I swore she was the worst actress around town. Well – when I saw the name Julie Benz I was actually thinking of someone else – Julie Benz is actually a pretty good actress and I really liked her in The Boondock Saints 2 and that TV show she was on (No Ordinary Family). I was thinking of Kiele Sanchez, star of the miserable 30 Days of Night: Dark Days and resident ham in The Perfect Getaway. She was a totally the best thing about Saw V and I guess the joke is on me. What a fucking chop!

saw5a

Let’s see if number five is going to give us anything different this time around. Open with the gruesome death of someone random who has nothing to do with anything? CHECK.

sawv2

Follow around someone wearing a hoodie that is way too giant for their head and who also covers their entire face like they’re in the middle of a sand storm in the Middle East? CHECK.

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Introduce some random people who may or may not have anything to do with anything but exist to die horrible, painful deaths? CHECK.

sawv4

Put these people through terrible tests that are NOT POSSIBLE to be completed in the amount of time they are slotted, but they do anyway? CHECK.

sawv5

The Chop will make a non-vague comment about the bountifulness of Jigsaw’s wife’s bosom? CHECK.

sawv6

The filmmakers will spend the last 10-15 minutes of the movie using sweeping and circling and flashing series of images to make everything from the last five movies including the new characters in the current movie mash together to try and incorporate them all onto one closely knit web of unbelievably complex and impossibly planned coincidences. CHECK FUCKING CHECK.

sawv9

The movie will end with a cliffhanger encompassing something that could never possibly happen in a million years because of the thousands of decisions that would have to be made correctly for this series of events to come true? CHECK.

sawv8

I appreciate what these movies are trying to do (or tried, I guess, since the series is almost over) (oh wait there’s TWO more to go and one in production) – use the same money making trick, add more characters and use the old, now dead characters in flashback sequences. I appreciate that these made a lot of money.  I appreciate that these probably got a lot of guys out on Friday night dates and got some good squeezing action from their terrified or grossed out counterpart. I guess, after watching them all relatively in a row, I don’t appreciate that it’s the SAME story over and over.  Blood and guts, talking, flashbacks, whispering, blood and guts, people who need to work together and don’t, blood and guts, whispering, blood and guts, circular sweeping flashbacks tying everything together, implausible ending sequence. That would be like me talking about a movie and quickly getting distracted by boobs. Like, they other day I watch this movie called Listening with this super hot chick in it named Amber Bollinger.

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And I was all ‘hey, wow you’re super pretty and you’re not afraid to show your toppies’ and then I saved this picture as sawv11

sawv11

And the pic title is totally tricking out my OCD so I need to get off of here before my tics start. That name is worse than having your Starbursts out on a table and not organized by color. To close, I didn’t really like this one very much but ANYTHING is better than THIS 

JB & The Chop Do: Saw IV (2007)

JB AND THE CHOP PRESENT SAW

Here we go again. Another extensive look into the insides of people. How many more of these are there? 10? 11? Yeesh. A man can only take so many guts and swirling camera flashbacks. Jigsaw is dead now, right? So he can’t whisper for 130 minutes? Right? RIGHT??

saw 4 poster

SYNOPSIS: Despite Jigsaw’s death, and in order to save the lives of two of his colleagues, Lieutenant Rigg is forced to take part in a new game, which promises to test him to the limit. – via IMDB

chop saw

Let’s start this piece off to do a little housekeeping and see if Bousman and the boys clean things up… by my record, still unaccounted for are: Elwes, Marky Mark’s brother, the guy from Braveheart and the guy from Braveheart’s daughter. I suppose Monica Potter and her daughter, Marky Mark’s brother’s kid and Jigsaw’s wife are just footnotes out there? Do they make comebacks in this series? We also still don’t really know why they killed the lady cop? Or how they could possibly AFFORD to make all of these elaborate traps to disgustingly kill people? We saw some boobs in the last movie – will we get some more? Will we see a pee-pee? Will there be even MORE and MORE rotating cameras and extensive flashbacks? Will this make me want to wretch?? I guess we’ll see. SPOILER: I did just see a #DeadPeePee ….. X _ X

Also – is this reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally necessary???

saw4a

So wait just a fucking second… SPOILERS This opens with this autopsy scene and they pluck out his stomach and there’s a tape recorder in there and this cop listens to it and then two guys are chained up and one of them kills the other one and then the dark skinned cop from the last two movies gets put into a Jigsaw game and then so does his boss and Marky Mark’s brother has been gone for six months and all of this stuff happens and then it’s actually concurrently running at the same place in time when the third one ends?? And this all takes place in 90 minutes?? HUH? WHAT? It’s obvious the cop is UPSET when he listens to Jigsaw’s tape recording but he’s actually the one killing everyone?? HUH???? WHAT????? This makes no fucking sense. If the beginning is actually the end then wouldn’t they have rescued that FBI guy when they gathered up Jigsaw’s body?? And the black cop?? Wouldn’t they identify the bad cop??? What the fuck?

saw4b

Also – this all takes place in NINETY minutes?? Blogga please. No way that happens unless they have Star Trek transporters. I don’t hate these movies but there’s something I have to address. These unbelievably elaborately architected traps someone keeps setting, all of the tortured and anguished screaming and moaning that goes on, all of the NOISE that these machines make when they are grinding and smashing people to pulp – all of the project that goes into setting these things up –

saw4c

HOW THE FUCK DOES ALL OF THIS GO UNNOTICED???

This cop comes home from work. His wife has been there all day (seemingly) and she’s packing a suitcase to go visit her mom or something like that. The cop goes to sleep and wakes up when he hears a noise. Somehow, the way I see it, while he was slumbering, someone came into his home, taped DOZENS of pictures around this one room, installed a large wall timer, wrote some letters in blood on his wall, put together this chair that’s going to rip this woman’s scalp off, and put a half dressed woman into the device and placed one of those pig masks over her screaming head. All while he was sleeping. He couldn’t have done it while the wife was home, right?

Exhibit A:

SAW4d

Exhibit B:

saw4e

Oh well. As a movie overall, aside from the last two paragraphs I wrote, it’s not too bad. It’s better than 1 and 3 in my opinion. I couldn’t get over the poor poor acting in the first one and the third one was just fucking gross. All of the movies suffer from being WAY over edited and this one didn’t disappoint with the sweeping in circles flashbacks explaining everything.  We did get some closure on Marky Mark’s brother and the guy from Braveheart though we still don’t know about his daughter or whatever happened to Elwes.

saw4f

I guess we get some insight into why Jigsaw does what he does but it still doesn’t make any fucking sense. His wife lost their baby in a tragic accident so now he murders EVERYONE? K. If I did learn one thing from this… Jigsaw’s wife has enormous cans. That would have been a lucky baby suckle suckle.

saw4g

Looks like Julie Benz is in the next one… YAY! I swear she’s the WORST actress….

jb saw

First thoughts? 95 minutes looks a bit more realistic! That last one was ridiculously long. Not cause it had a story, nope, but just because it wanted to curl your toes. And not in the good way, either.

Seriously, not long into this movie and it begins with me thinking: “OMFG, really?!” More sif shit on the brain bit? Will they ever let this go? Come on!

saw iv autopsy

Not only was the whole brain thing rehashed, there was a really uncalled for in depth port-mortem. Definitely didn’t need that, and yet they added it in anyway, because this would totally not be Saw anything without it.

saw iv autopsy2

Second thoughts? Well, maybe not second thoughts, I have had a whole bunch rush through my head by now. Okay, enough bumbling. Where was I? Oh, oh, I have seen this one, too! I still can’t remember if I stopped at this one or the next. Shows you how memorable they are after the fact.

The Saw movies truly are all about making you squirm and cringe, big time. While this one was nasty at times, it never reached the depraved depths of the last one. I am rather grateful for that.

This movie finally deals with the continuity of Detectives “Kankle” Matthews and “Ribs” Kerry, which, in my opinion, was long overdue. I would like to give these movies credit though for really pushing for the continuity and trying to keep everything tied together. Consistency, and it is pretty solid here. Solid does not mean believable or good though, it just means that they stick to things throughout.

LOL, check  out Scott Patterson here folks! Whoop! I will always look at him and think of him as old Luke Danes, the grumpy gills who runs a diner out in Stars Hollow. And he rocks as Luke, for reals! Okay, I guess this is totally not the place to discuss something as incongruous to Saw as Gilmore Girls.

luke danes gilmore girls

However, before you know it, he is the best thing about this movie. Danes actually gave a pretty damn good performance to boast about here, and he was pretty much the only character I honestly bought into. He was smart, determined, dedicated, the whole katoot. Pretty badass, too. Truly made this worth it – I don’t know when last there was actually a character in these movies I gave a rat’s ass about!

scott patterson saw iv

I think my biggest issue with this movie is the fact that I can’t buy into all of this going down in 90 minutes – they got Jigsaw’s ex-wife in for questioning, traversed all the crime scenes, continued the investigation, everything in 90 minutes, concurrently with Rigg running and playing Jigsaw’s game? Okay, let’s be honest, I would not say that buying into anything in these movies is easy, but if you suspend belief you can, in some sick way, picture this shit going down. But I just can’t suspend so far that all of this would tie in with the last movie and that it is all going down at exactly the same time, within ninety minutes. Sheesh. What crap!

saw iv billy

While there were some gruesome traps again, I thought that a particularly nasty cringe trap was the face knives contraption o_O Gosh! Can’t tell if it is vanity or if it is to do with the fact that no human being wants anything near/in their faces fucked around with – eyes, ears, mouth? Stay away!!

As far as the sequels go – I would say this is, without a doubt, one of the better ones. It tried more successfully for a backstory, and managed to give us one, to show us Kramer/Jigsaw, though he still seems like a bloody weirdo and control freak, and shows how his whole world collapses. Doesn’t make any of this any better on his behalf though. Also – this one isn’t so offensively loud as the others (yes, yes, common complaint).

Sooooooooo…

The whole movie was about this detective listening to the tape, to set up the next film basically? Uhm… well done? Good for the plot twists at the end though, it has been the best one since the first Saw movie.

saw iv blood strahm

JB & The Chop Do: Saw II (2005)

JB AND THE CHOP PRESENT SAW

Today we return with a look into and offer valuable insight on Saw II.  Will we enjoy it more than the irritating (IMO) first one? Will anyone saw off their own foot?? Will there be a mention of cockatoos and corpse desecrating in this post??? Read on at your own risk!


saw 2 poster large

SYNOPSIS: A detective and his team must rescue eight people trapped in a factory by the twisted serial killer known as Jigsaw. – via IMDB

chop saw

Picture this, you and your Beloved are paddling down a nice Venetian river, admiring the clouds, the warmth of love and tenderness enveloping you like your grandmother’s hugs.  Time, as it is, seems stopped as you enjoy the peaceful serenity of an Eden-like paradise. Later, you stroll, hand in hand up the marble steps of the resort, flower petals at your feet, sweet cockatoos walk wildly in the lobby. You are handed flutes of champagne that you sip as you pass the in-house orchestra, serenading you. In your suite, the room service has delivered the finest truffles, the softest lamb, the richest red wine; they have the windows open and the breeze blows the fragrance of roses throughout your room. You turn to the TV set to turn on smooth jazz on your satellite feed and really set the atmosphere. As the TV fires up, you soon realize you left it on the only movie channel in the resort’s network and it turns out it’s playing Saw 2 and you’re at that part where the chick is screaming and writhing around in that pit full of hypodermic needles and your asshole clinches so tight that you may never shit again and your Beloved is horrified and drops his or her glass of wine and throws his or herself off of your fourth floor balcony and as you rush to save him or her you slip in his or her wine puddle and you fall forward and hit your head on the table and break your fucking neck. That’s how I felt when I watched this scene:

Saw2a

Further, we can imagine, you are in Heaven with your Beloved, as well as your ancestors, both forgotten and recently passed.  It is the most lovely feeling you’ve ever experienced. In the distance you see the home you grew up in, you are finally free of the burden of tax paying and hard labor, you no longer need to worry or feel guilt or remorse. Holding your Beloved’s hand once again, you stoop down and wisp away the clouds to witness the disposition of your Earthly remains. You once again see your suite, you see the chamber-person enter the room. He is holding a tray of the finest mint sorbet the country has ever produced. Aha! He spies your lifeless body! He drops the tray in shock! The horror! Then he whips off his belt, yanks down his pants and starts really getting after it, desecrating your corpse, rogering it over and over and over again with the power of a bull, shaking the table, screaming and howling like a Irish banshee; pounding and pounding and pounding until he finally releases jizzes all over the room. The walls, the ceiling, the fireplace, EVERYWHERE! There must be GALLONS!! That’s how sodomized I felt when I watched this scene:

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The point here is that I can take a lot – I will ALWAYS turn away when a spider comes onscreen but I do have a thing for needles and razor blades – they freak me the fuck out. So BOTH of these scenes were really effective to a guy like me. It’s not like I got scared and ran crying into the closet but they were both teeth gritting and uncomfortable deep breath making. How about the rest of the movie? I actually kind of liked it – I liked it more than the first, that’s for certain, and I actually thoroughly enjoyed the last ten minutes or so.

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I found the camera work less irritating, the dialogues and writing much better, the acting was moderately more believable, I saw some décolletage and it was definitely a lot gorier than the first one. Actually, I think I liked everyone in this except for this guy:

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#décolletage

I also liked that we got more of an explanation of why he does what he does even though I still find it illogical that he or his cronies have that much time or money to build such extravagant traps. I also liked how it ended up, back in the toilet. We now know what happened to Adam and Zep!! but still no mention of Elwes.

#looseends

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For the record, I thought it was a big improvement over the first one and irritated me much less. I wonder what JB thought??

jb saw

Alright, and so we move on to the second installment of the grisly Saw franchise. Even as the movie starts, you can immediately tell that they had a much larger budget to work with, and this is evident throughout the film. A big thing that counts in favour of this movie is that it is shorter than its predecessor – not by an awful lot, but by enough to make the movie tighter and quicker than the last.

saw ii oven

Saw II definitely goes for glory with the icky scenes, spending much more time on the nasty predicament that each and every one of the people is suffering, as well as their just punishment. The last movie had gore, sure, but not on the same level as this. Saw II wants to make you squirm and feel uncomfortable. This is the beginning chapter of the torture porn that this series is renowned for.

saw needle pit3

They brought in some plotsies again at the end, but they just didn’t have the same bang that the original did – maybe because you expect it, follow the same formula, keep it going. Eric complained in the last movie that it was loud, not something I took particular note of, but this movie? So. Much. Noise. I won’t even pretend it didn’t bug the hell out of me.

saw ii shotgun

We got to learn more about Jigsaw in this one, but I agree with Chop – it still makes no fucking sense.

Anyway, I don’t have an awful lot to say about this one. I thought it was a decent watch, and a little more reveal about Jigsaw was great. Amanda returning and the end reveals tied this neatly back to Saw. The acting is better here, but again, most improvements here boil down to the bigger budget. Whannell staying on to write more here, and Wan producing meant that there is a certain continuity to it. Definitely not a bad sequel (it’s actually a pretty good one, considering how horror sequels can go), and holds itself well against its predecessor.

saw ii jigsaw

JB & The Chop Do: Saw (2004)

JB AND THE CHOP PRESENT SAW

Folks! WE ARE BACK! I am so excited to announce the latest in our “JB & The Chop Present” series! Eric of The IPC and myself love to tackle some franchises (and some are certainly superior to others), and the Chop thought it was about time we took on the Saw movies, and so here we are. We do hope that you enjoy our latest offering, and we do hope that we survive this run! Although, whatever this franchise brings, I am sure that, unlike the Amityville movies, it will not terrorize my soul for all of eternity.

saw poster

SYNOPSIS: Two strangers awaken in a room with no recollection of how they got there or why, and soon discover they are pawns in a deadly game perpetrated by a notorious serial killer. – via IMDB

jb saw

Who the hell knew, back in the day, that when Saw was released, a tiny budget horror, that it would evolve into a massive horror franchise? I sure as hell don’t think either Wan of Whannell thought it was going to go down the way it did. And just look at the success it (unthinkably) garnered!

I remember when Saw came out, it was a right big deal because it touched on some really gruesome shit and had a small budget. Saw works in the sense that, for such a small budget film, it looks good, the areas/sets are mostly contained, and the movie essentially plays out in a deserted, creepy bathroom and a few other select sets, and still it manages to keep you engaged. It was also different that there was more story attempt than your average film of the torture porn variety. Then again, if we are being serious, it wasn’t until subsequent movies that the franchise became all about that.

saw bear trap

I have no idea what the heck happened to Elwes. I think everyone looks at him and thinks of The Princess Bride. He was in fine form there – sassy, young, cute. Here? Eish. Not so good, man. There was definitely an issue with overacting here. The dialogue, while stinted at times, was not as bad as usual for a horror, though the acting makes it cringey more often than not. Okay, it cannot be denied that there is a lot of weird, inexplicable things going down in this movie. One of the biggest things? I will never really understand why Jigsaw is running around in a fucking silk boxing robe (for reals), it was something that really got to me.

Danny Glover was relatively underused here, considering the movie is more a thriller than a horror, with a mystery being systematically uncovered. I thought that it was handled quite well, having us wonder, then giving us just a touch of information, then leaving us hanging again. What was wrong with the movie though, and this cannot be overlooked, is that it was significantly longer than it needed to be, and could have been tightened up a little lot.

Danny Glover returning as a cop did amuse me, and I was wondering if he really wasn’t too old for this shit, but his character was one that I enjoyed, and one I could understand going off the deep end, what he went through and witnessed was pretty crazy.

i'm too old for this shit murtaugh

Natasha reckons this review should just read:

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW! Blood, blood, blood.

I thought I would add this here just for her:

saw foot

She is still in shock that I would even watch this whole franchise. No, blood, guts, and gore are totally not her forté. Lol.

saw collage

The plot twist at the end of the film isn’t a bad one, and certainly one that was handled quite well throughout the film, and definitely surprised most people. It is one of the stronger aspects of Saw, though it is flawed. Saw has a cult following, and all that started with this first film, which I think was really well done for the unknown duo, Wan and Whannell. For horror fans out there, I am sure that this is a movie you have all seen and (sort of) enjoyed – if not the whole thing, aspects, certainly.

But let’s be very serious here – this movie is not the most memorable. There are certain things you are going to remember, the things that shock. The rest? The reasons? It all fades away.

Anyway, one down, the rest of the torture porn dominoes to go!

chop saw

I haven’t seen this since it came out on DVD back in 2004 and the only thing I remember about are two things ones a big spoiler so I won’t mention it. The other is the thing with the foot so I’m going into this fairly blind especially since I was probably pretty stoned when I watched it. Let’s see what we’ve got.

The acting in this opening segment is pretty poor.

Ah jeez, Cary Elwes… what’s become of you??

saw1a

Elwes has a pretty shitty American accent

This Leigh Whannell guy is a TERRIBLE actor

HAHAHA!! He gave them tapes to listen to! TAPES!! I wonder if JB even knows what a tape is!!?? I remember having to re-spool those fucking things all the time…

The name of this game is to kill Adam! WHOOP!

Disgusting. Digging your hand in a shitty toilet is never ideal.

saw1b

That’s almost as gross as when Danny Glover shit on Tracey Morgan and he got it all over his face in Death at a Funeral…

saw1c

SAW SAW SAW those chains! That’s not going to work, buddy.

Elwes sure is being overly dramatic here. “He wants us to cut through our feet!”

This movie is very noisy…

This guy sure does plan out these execution games thoroughly. He must have a lot of free time….

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo – Elwes is the doctor working on Jigsaw while he is dying in the hospital? How is Jigsaw out doing these “games” if he’s dying of colon cancer in the hospital?

Ah Danny Glover… we hardly knew thee….

Elwes has a lot of lipstick on in this scene… someone should fire the make-up guy

Speaking of Elwes, my mom used to think I looked like him back during his skinny Princess Bride days and my skinny youth days…

I see we have an escapee from the Jigsaw Killer! Get it girl!

OOO – and our first look at his mask. Nice fucking bow tie. Jerk!

This lady is doing some good eye acting.

saw1d

Did I mention this is REALLY FUCKING NOISY??

Is he riding a…………. tricycle?? That’s not very sinister…

As I pause for lunch, I notice I still have over an hour left…

So wait – knowing what I know – they just discovered the two way mirror and they cut to a guy watching a video feed of them in the bathroom. He waves and sings “I see you”… are they hinting this is Jigsaw?? Spoiler: we know that’s him playing dead on the floor, right?? Who the fuck is this guy??

Oh wait, Danny Glover is still alive!

Monica Potter!

saw1e

A pager!!! A pager!! Nice! Technology rules. BEEP BEEP BEEP.

You’d think that dead body in the middle of the room would be pretty stinky by now…

OK – maybe Jigsaw isn’t hospitalized and was just in for his colon check. Everyone loves fingers up their butts! Right? And cameras!

So Jigsaw has killed one guy (I guess they technically kill themselves) for trying to kill himself, one guy for being a voyeur, and tried to kill one lady because she used drugs. Very motivational.

Danny Glover and his Asian looking cop buddy may have cracked the case!

Here he is. The Big Reveal. Too bad he’s wearing a cowl so we can’t see his face.

saw1h

WHOOPS! I don’t think Glover is going to make it.

Asian Cop just shot Jigsaw! WIN!! Too bad – a booby trap takes down Asian Cop once and for all! His law enforcing days are over. WIN!

I guess Glover is going to make it after all… WIN!!

AHA – the person watching the video is NOT Jigsaw. WIN!!!

A flip phone! Cigarettes! Cryptic notes! Lame-ass voice-over!

it took until exactly 1:00:14 until something creepy finally happened. Yawnsville. And I still have 42:00:53 left to go.

Why is this movie an hour and forty five fucking minutes long?

The inaugural JB AND THE CHOP WORST FAKE DEATH EVER award goes to Leigh Whannell (ED: I agree!!!!! Jeesh!!!!!)

The inaugural JB AND THE CHOP LAME FLASH AND WHINE: OVERUSE OF A CAMERA FLASH IN A DARK SETTING TO INDUCE SCARES

This tet-a-tet in the toilet and the constant cut of flashbacks are getting old….

Wait? Where did these two random pictures come from? Have they just been there on the floor the entire time??

The mystery of how Jigsaw can be in two places at one time is solved! Zep!

saw1i

These guys aren’t very good at gunplay… FAIL!!!

Elwes isn’t very good at crying in an American accent. Jesus Christ this is embarrassing for him. This is getting to be almost as bad as Keanu Reeves in Knock Knock.

There’s a LOT of action going on as we lead up to the Big Finish.

Here we go!! Off with the foot!!

saw1j

OMG the acting here… it’s wretched……

Now he’s not even trying to mask his accent…

He’s off to get help before he bleeds to death! I wonder if he makes another appearance in this series since he survived? I wonder if he went home to his trailer for the evening, knocked back some Brandy snifters and thought, “Elwes, old cock, you did some good acting today!”

The Big Reveal!!

LOL – I thought he had colon cancer the entire time but it’s actually BRAIN CANCER! I FAIL!!

Well – the last few minutes were pretty good. I wonder if Adam will make a return?? Or will he starve to death .like the prison rat he is… Overall I think this was OK. Maybe it’s because I really watched 12 years after it came out. It wasn’t as gory or violent as I remember and it as really noisy in some parts. High Tension was a lot more ickier and I think it came out around the same time. Most of the acting was absolutely wretched. I’m still not 100% on the whole plot (spoilers):

Elwes is Jigsaw’s brain doctor. Zep is an orderly at the hospital Elwes works in. Adam is a guy who was paid by Glover to go around taking pictures of Elwes. Jigsaw is a person who likes to teach people lessons about their humanity because he is going to die of brain cancer and they don’t appreciate what they’ve got going for them. Sooooooooooo:

Jigsaw makes Zep drug and trap Elwes and Adam in a shitty toilet and: Elwes has to kill Adam ORRRRRRRRRRRRR they can cut their feet off and escape. If Elwes doesn’t kill Adam, Zep will kill Elwes’ wife and daughter. In the meantime, Jigsaw lays perfectly still on the floor for over seven hours without moving one single time, Hmmm.

I guess it’s not the worst but I’m already not sold on all of these movies. Hopefully some of them get better??

saw1k

Rapid Review: Bloodsucking Bastards (2015)

BLOODSUCKING BASTARDS POSTER

“Wikipedia did not mention that.”
– Frank

SYNOPSIS: Evan is a dutiful and overworked employee stuck at a soul-killing corporation with his beautiful co-worker and girlfriend Amanda and his slacker best friend Tim . Evans world begins to crumble when Amanda dumps him and his boss Ted hands his coveted promotion to his nemesis Max. When his office mates start going through disturbing changes, Evan must find a way to stop the evil brewing amidst the cubicles, and rescue his workplace pals before his life and career go from dead-end… to just dead. – via IMDB

BLOODSUCKING BASTARDS FEAST

GRADE 5I can’t even remember where I read a review of this and decided to possibly check it out. But I did, and I cannot say that I was impressed. I mean, it is better than most movies, but it is a long way from really good, or even great. For one, starting the movie feels like you are watching a terribly boring sitcom. Nothing is happening, the characters suck, no genius, nothing. Then it moves along to the actual vampire bit, and things started getting more interesting there at least. The one good thing is that you can see the whole cast is having a total ball, which is great, and they were all very entertaining. Joey Kern’s stoning, Kelly Clarkson-loving, ever-eating Tim was a really good character, he was such a chop, and as much as Marshall Givens’s crazy, military, Redbull-guzzling Frank makes you smile, when you pair the two of them up, you get a stroke of genius. As for Fran Kranz… I could totally only see him as the stoner with a huge mug bong. Seriously. Pedro Pascal was very good as Evan’s arch nemesis, and you can see he is having a blast playing this crazy weird vampire with an MBA. Now all of this looks like it should make for a good movie, right? Well, it just didn’t. It looked ridiculously low budget, which isn’t something I usually have a problem with, but this really looked awful. Plus there was a lot of awkward, forced humour, which fell flat consistently and made me cringe. Let’s not even forget to mention the incredible amounts of stupid thrown into this. I am not a fan of stupid, brainless humour, and this movie packed a lot of that. Nothing really smart. Not because all comedy has to be smart, but I am not a fan of that by-the-numbers, don’t-use-your-braincells comedy. Every now and again Bloodsucking Bastards gets a laugh in, but not necessarily what you want, all the time. Plus two, the pacing was all over the show. Like I said, the movie takes quite a while to go anywhere and feels like a cheap sitcom, and then jumps into something more entertaining, but still falls grossly short of the mark, never really reaching the heights it set itself up for. Not the worst  movie you could be spending your time on, but not nearly as amusing as it would like to be.

Review: The Last Victim – Jordan Dane

the last victim cover

I received this book in exchange for an honest review.

Ryker Townsend #1

SYNOPSIS: When he sleeps, the hunt begins

When a young hunting guide from a remote island in Alaska is found brutally murdered, his naked body is discovered in the Cascade Mountains outside Seattle—the shocking pinnacle to a grisly Totem of body parts. Nathan Applewhite is the fourteenth victim of a cunning serial killer who targets and stalks young men.

With the body count escalating, FBI profiler Ryker Townsend and his specialized team investigate the gruesome crime scene. They find no reason for Nate to have mysteriously vanished from his isolated home in Alaska before he ended up in the hands of a sadist, who has been taunting Ryker and his team in a sinister game of ‘catch me if you can.’

But Townsend has a secret he won’t share with anyone—not even his own team—that sets him on the trail of a ruthless psychopath, alone. The intuitive FBI profiler is plagued by recurring nightmares—seen through Nate’s dead eyes—that slowly chips away at his mental stability. Is he burning out and losing his mind—becoming unfit for duty—or is the last victim reaching out to him from the grave?

Townsend sees horrific flashes of memory, imprinted on the retinas of a dead man, the last image Applewhite saw when he died. Ryker must piece together the fragments. Each nightmarish clue brings him closer to a killer who knows how to hide in plain sight and will see him coming, but when the dead man has the skills of a hunting guide, he has the perfect ally to track down a killer—the last victim. – via Goodreads

GRADE 7I decided to give this a read when I saw the cover and read the write up, I thought this could be interesting, and I was right. I always love reading about profilers and hunting terrifying killers, so this seemed like something that was right up my alley, and I was right – blood, guts, and gore is so my thing. Dane presents us with a new character, a little different, and Ryker is quite engaging. He is a character that has so much potential, that could bring us so many great stories, and I really hope we get some of those from him. The story is a little different, and I really liked how Ryker Townsend had some different ability or gift, and even though it is out there, Dane handles the telling of it very well. The characters, too, are quite interesting and they carry the story well, I just wish that they were fleshed out more as opposed to just presented as a few clichés. Some things that did irritate me, though, were how some things were repeated unnecessarily throughout the book, as though it had been written a few times and never been polished up, or not noticed how it was the same and rather annoying. I also wish that there had actually been more profiling in the novel, but it isn’t a dealbreaker as the story is engaging and keeps you interested. I did think, however, that the villain was totally predictable from the off, it was pretty obvious, but SPOILER: I did not like the fact that a partner was added in at the last possible moment. It absolutely did not fit with anything that had happened so far in the book, and felt like Dane was going for a forced twist.A lot of Ryker’s past is continually alluded to but I think it took way too much time to spill the beans, but it came together quite well either way. Some events that transpired were too neat and smooth for me to buy into, even with the psychic aspect to the novel, it was just too convenient. The Last Victim is a fast, fun read, has introduced me to a new author I think I will enjoy, and I will certainly be reading more books in this series.