JB & The Chop Do: Amityville: The Awakening (2017)

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OMG another one of these mother fuckers…. and there’s like THREE MORE!!! FUCK!!! Why do we do this to ourselves??? BECAUSE WE’RE FUCKING COMMITTED, THAT’S WHY!! COMMITTED LIKE SONS OF BITCHES!!! Can you believe this is the FIFTEENTH Amityville movie we’ve discussed?? GODDAMN! Let me calm down a little bit and have a shot of that white jagermeister that dipshit was drinking in the last one of these we watched. *shoot* *slam* *exhale* aaaaaaaaahhhhhh.

Let’s see what we’ve got here…

SYNOPSIS: A desperate single mother moves with her three children into the notorious, supposedly haunted, real-life Amityville house to try and use its dark powers to cure her comatose son. Things go horribly wrong. – via IMDB

I had never heard of Bella Thorne until I was watching The Babysitter one day and I was all ‘who is this hot chick??’ and looked her up and saw that she was in this new Amityville movie that took forever to get released.

She seems like a reasonable enough actress but I’m sure she was cast more for those 30 minutes she runs around in barely there underwear…

Which I’m not knocking in any way but that did seem a little unusual but, for PG 13 (in the U.S.) we didn’t get any tits or brother on sister sex. We did get a little of this, who looks to be in a lot better shape than the last time I saw her in that miserable Hateful 8 movie.

And I think, for the most part, things were going pretty good in this thing until the last 20 minutes. I know it was 20 minutes because I paused it with 20 minutes left to go sin (inside joke), returned and the rest of it was pretty shit. BUT – overall – this has to be one of the better entries into this miserable franchise.

There are several things I’ve never understood why producers / directors put into movies. I’ve griped about them before and even once made a manifesto of sorts – that page has  a lot of comments so, to keep it short:

  • cell phones and dial tones
  • tires screeching on dirt roads
  • people who don’t smoke conveniently having expensive lighters when it gets dark
  • drivers constantly shifting gears during high speed chases (does their car have eighteen gears or something)
  • when someone turns into a zombie / demon / mutant – why do their fucking teeth always get so fucking pointy??

………………… Exhibit A:

Poor Red (That 70’s Show)… he had a decent part and then got smothered with terrible fucking CGI flies…. and they all went in his mouth… what the fuck??

Oh well… this is not the worst move ever…  it’s not even the wort, which is how I spelled worst three times before I got it right… definitely better than ALL of the other ones except the first one and the Ryan Reynolds one.

Sweet Jesus, these movies are never going to end. As the dear Chop has pointed out, we are committed. Or masochists. Probably a good combination of both. When this movie eventually got released, I was shocked. Why? Eric and I have been waiting for this movie since we started this Amityville franchise in March of 2015 (!!!!!!), and even had other Amityville movies eagerly jump the line to get in before this one did. We thought we were waiting on one. Apparently this franchise had other ideas. But then it came. It finally came. Well hot damn, add it to the crazy list!

I popped this in, my husband took cover and hunkered down with some Battlefield 1, Natasha thought I had officially lost it, Ryan is probably still wondering (like us) whether evil ever dies, and got rolling… and was surprised. Goodness, who knew that there would be a decent instalment?! Now, I need to clarify this here so we are all on the same page: while this movie is by no means a great movie (or even particularly good), if compared to the other offerings in this franchise, it is definitely superior.

There is this piece in the movie where, for movie night, the kid offers up the original, the sequel (we all know how much I loved that one), and the 2005 remake. There was a lot of dissing on remakes, and I just want to put it on record here, the 2005 Amityville Horror is, without a doubt, the best movie in this franchise. So don’t knock it newbie, though you are better than the other drivel this franchise has churned out.

Just throwing this in here for science:

Okay, back to the movie…

Sorry, wrong movie! I know we sound like people defending this and not knocking it like so many have and calling it super crap and all, but we know better. I know that Cameron Monaghan is our new, young Joker in Gotham (though I have yet to see it – have seen clips though, and he looks like buckets of crazy), and I recognise Bella Thorne as the super bitch in The Duff – she’s still a bitch here, but not quite the same type.

The movie really wasn’t too bad starting off, though I desperately wanted to give that girl some clothes, which led me to question if girls in America all really lie around in their panties doing homework and then traversing the house in their knickers – the stereotype had to start somewhere, right?

Naturally the family is super dysfunctional (like what kind of Amityville movie would it be if it weren’t like that), and there are a ton of secrets surrounding the house. Peeps, I hate to say this, but I swear I am starting to get old. Bella, our main panty prancing, bad attitude protagonist grated on me. What is up with that? I mean I know teens are moody and disrespectful and all those things, but the more I see of that the older I am getting, the more insane it is (though her mom was cuckoo-katchoo to boot and she really does love her baby sister, whom she is just trying to protect). It is madness.

Anyway peeps, not a great horror, but a particularly good entry to this super shitty franchise. I won’t make the mistake of saying at least they are done now, because I am sure that, before we know it, the Chop and I will be back with more torture!

JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Exorcism (2017)

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Folks, the Chop and I must be masochists. Our OCD will totally not let us just desert these things, and it seems it has become a never-ending series, one we will unfortunately return to time and time again. Anyway, I was informed that there was yet another one of these to check out, and I hopped on over to give it a squizz. Well, how was this one, yet another one to beat Amityville: The Awakening to release?

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SYNOPSIS: A family must put faith in a mysterious priest when an demonic force, connected to a decades-old murders in their home, possesses their daughter. – via IMDB

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Well, when it opened with the fakest looking hammer smack I’d ever seen in my life, I just knew things couldn’t improve. Just look at this!!!

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Anyway. Let’s pretend that is not an issue. The opening credits were super embarrassing and awkies. Man, I actually just wanted to hide behind my hands. I do not like to just hate on something, especially when someone has really tried with it, but oh my goodness, I can’t help it. This was unforgivably terrible.

The music in this is beyond stupid, and just made something already bad that much worse. Ugh, I mean come on peeps, at least you could have tried to get that right, at the very least! I know I complain in movies that there is dialogue that makes me cringe (especially in this franchise), but this was probably the worst I have ever seen, both dialogue and delivery wise. There was no conviction, no pride, nothing. It was hollow and just bad all round.

The story is so weak. So fucking weak. Ultimately it all boils down to #SatanicLumber. I shit you not folks, the whole issue, the possession, the “evil” spirit, all of that was due to stolen lumber being used for renovations. Without a doubt even weaker than the #SatanicMacrame or #SatanicLamp of Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes.

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I would just like to take a moment to examine all the incredibly stupid things that we had to endure throughout this. The decisions. The piss poor acting, the stupid dialogue, the ridiculous phone calls (like seriously guys, you didn’t think the screens through or anything like that). The girl that looked WAY too old to be this dude’s teenage daughter. While we are at it,  I think this is by far the sketchiest looking Jägermeister I have ever laid eyes on. White?! Really?!

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Forgetting the fact that this bloke is whacking back water like it is going to get him beyond fucked up (tamest alcoholic I have ever seen), we were also subjected to a break in where the criminal was killed by that #SatanicLumber. No jokes folks! But overlooking that little tidbit, let’s not forget the break in where he enters the basement and promptly declares it “business time”.

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Okay, okay, I will look at other things that happened. I absolutely could not buy into Marie DeLorenzo being like… sixteen or seventeen. I thought she was like, her dad’s wife or something. Super awkward. And she was seeing some little dweeb who served no purpose in the movie other than to add an extra layer of… weird.

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There was the stupidest crap going on all the time. I cannot even stress this enough. It’s like words fail me when it comes to describing this piss poor movie. It was horrendous. I cannot believe people actually signed on for this. I just can’t! Here’s a look at our big bad for the movie, and just… this was how it was with it whenever it was around. Oh yeah, and there was that big, fat TV fight that the priest totally put to bed when he stuck the crucifix on the screen and it exploded because of this thing’s suffering. Oh, oh, let’s not forget the showdown with the #SatanicDolls – because possessed lumber extends to playthings. Yes, that is exactly the kind of movie we sat through.

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This was one of the worst things that I have ever watched, and I have watched some bad things. In fairness, the Chop did warn me, but heck, my OCD would not allow something to hang around without being done. Nope.

#Completists

Ending this movie was me being just like the crazy dad – get out, get away. Now. Run. Flee.

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Thanks again for reading with us guys, we appreciate it!

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Synopsis: Some stupid fucker is a carpenter who uses a stupid piece of fucking wood from the original Amityville house to  board up some stupid hole in his own house and it possesses him and he kills his family. SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH goes the stupid fucking hammer in one of the worst opening scenes I’ve ever seen. Later, some unattractive people somehow have another piece of the wood in their basement so this stupid lady who looks about 40 and lives with her dad who looks about 35 starts killing stupid people and then there’s this stupid fucking priest going around squirting holy water on walls and dirt and then there’s these fucking CGI flies that look like I just dotted a photo with a black magic marker and this is all because of FUCKING POSSESSED WOOD.

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I know I’m a dumbass – this goes without saying – but I have tried to live a good life and make good decisions and respect people’s feelings and just try not to bother anyone in general. I don’t feel like I’ve really done anything that I’m ashamed of except for maybe that time I took a shit in Todd’s front yard. Maybe. If anyone deserved a shit in his front yard that would be Todd. Anyway, the point to this is that I am actually ASHAMED of this movie. I am physically hurt and saddened that these poor people put this together. I can only imagine:

Horrible dead-wife actress: “Remember that time we took Bill Cosby’s Quaaludes and made that possession movie?”
Horrible drunk-husband actor: “Worst three days of my fucking life.”
Horrible possessed-daughter actress: “I got syphilis!!” “For life!!”
Horrible sound effect guy: “I tore my own balls off to self-punish myself for the crimes I committed.”
Horrible boyfriend actor: “I had a couple of old men wearing no pants saw me in half so I would never have to remember that.”

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I’ve told this story before but its been a long time so let’s revisit. I used to manage a restaurant back in the day and one night my co-manager and I got a report that something was amiss in the men’s bathroom up front. So we went to check it out and sure enough there was shit everywhere. On the floor, on the walls, all over the toilet. It looked like someone had hung from the ceiling and shit all over the place. I immediately started throwing up everywhere making things worse and I was retching so hard I shit my own pants. That was one of the worst experiences of my life. If we wanted to make an analogy out here at JB’s place, this would be cinematic equivalent of that event. I guess no one had sex with their brother…

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JB and I have been through a lot in this series and – in fairness – I told her I would take this one for the team but she pressed on. I mean, I was trapped in an airplane and couldn’t do anything else. And I had beer and whiskey on my side. I don’t think JB drinks but I did warn her she would need some sort of stimulant to get through this if she so chose. Maybe she took some of those Quaaludes we were talking about earlier.

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When she told me she was going into this I called her a poor soul and told her not to do it but she sent me this picture as proof of her torture and, since we live on different continents, we filed the necessary paperwork to have these filmmakers arrested and tried for War Crimes in the International Criminal Court. That suit is still pending.

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I know no one else will ever watch this, even on accident, but if you try it, you’ve been warned. I mean, no one ever wakes up and thinks, “I’d like to get stung by a wasp today!” *sing sing*. Just don’t do it.

JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Terror (2016)

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Once again JB and I delve into the Crimes Against Humanity section of movie making and take a look at The Amityville Terror. Is it bad?? Oh god yes! Is it the worst?? Well…. I hate to spoil things but that’s coming up soon. I thought this had some passable moments but it wasn’t good by any means. I think it’s funny that this franchise will never die and we’re attached to it despite all of our good intentions. There’s a line in a movie called Reign of Fire where Matty Maconougheyhey says “We have paid a terrible price….” and I think the two of us can both attest to that.

Let’s go!

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SYNOPSIS: When a new family moves to an old house in Amityville, they are tormented and tortured by an evil spirit living in the home while trapped by the malicious townspeople who want to keep them there. – via IMDB

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A perfectly happy family, living in peace on a sunny parcel of land in California receive news that the bank is foreclosing on them and they must vacate immediately. The mother and father ignore these messages and spend their days and nights pounding away at each other; in the bed, on the clothes dryer, in a pool of cold marsala gravy spilled on the floor, etc. The daughter gets sick of this so she spends her days dirt back riding. One day, while she is out in the hills riding her bike and collecting possums, the bank sends a bulldozer to the house, razing it to the ground, killing her parents. Distraught, but happy that all that constant banging is over, she moves in with her aunt in New York where she gets possessed and goes on a sick murdering streak until she is finally gunned down in a Bonnie and Clyde style shoot out on Amityville’s Main Street.

Sound good??? Well, it’s not and, honestly, none of that really happens. What does happen is this:

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Girl and family move to new town… into a house possessed by Satan…

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Girl meets boy…

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Drunken aunt bathes in acid….

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Someone has to deal with Satanic rosebushes…

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Someone gets a blowjob from his own sister then bangs her over the kitchen table….

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Someone somehow turns into some sort of growling witch with white eyes…

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OOPS!! How’d that get in there??

And then it is, mercifully over… or is it????

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I know it’s always fun to rag on a bad movie – and this one is BAD – but it’s not the worst of the bunch. The Amityville Playhouse was the worst of them all. This one is awful, to be sure, but it did have a couple of cool spots in it. Maybe three. The dialogue is pitiful. The CGI is THE WORST. Most of the story makes no fucking sense BUT it was better then Playhouse.

Things like this happen: a fully nude woman is taking a bath. Elsewhere in the house, her brother pours some drain cleaner down a sink. The tub fills with acid! “OOHMYGODOHMYGODIMBURNING!!!” she screams, falling out of the tub, exposing her shaved business. But she’s really not. Psych!

Later, a woman looks at her rose bushes. They are dead. So, as we all would, she starts screaming and moaning and pulls them out of the ground slashing her arms on the thorns and smearing blood all over her face. Quality!

Even later that day, the dad comes home from work after killing his boss in the worst fiery death you’ve ever seen. “I killed my boss today” he says. “How about i make you feel better?” she coos and gives him a blowy. Not satisfied, he pounds on her from behind for five seconds, makes his jizz and goes to bed. Uh oh! His wife is already in bed so he must have just boned his sister! Value.!

Yep – it’s bad. Is it #BazookaList bad? I actually didn’t HATE it like I hate some of these things I watch but it wasn’t good. I wonder how JB will react?

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Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?! For reals. The Chop and I have been waiting for the release of Amityville: The Awakening in 2017 (maybe, if they ever get done with it). Waiting? Dreading. Sorry. I need to make amends. Anyway, I was minding my own business the other day when I got this:

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I was not shocked when that was followed by:

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I could not believe my eyes! This little movie hopped up out of nowhere and beat Amityville: The Awakening to the punch. ANOTHER FREAKING AMITYVILLE MOVIE, WITH ANOTHER FREAKING TERRIBLE TITLE?! This franchise will never die. Then I went to have a look see, and this is what I saw:

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It’s a freaking free for all! Just look at that! The list below was posted once upon a time in one of our reviews. These were all the Amityville films. Fourteen, if you count the one we are waiting for in 2017. Now? EIGHTEEN, counting the 2017 one. Four just popped up out of nowhere.

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Anyway, after all that, and educating both our readers and ourselves that we (apparently) have a shit ton  more of these crap things to catch up on, I will move on to the actual body of this review.

I totally thought that the one hour, twenty four minute runtime was doable. Heck, shorter than most of the others ones we have trekked through. Goodness, I should have thought about how that same runtime can feel like a lifetime if it is beyond boring. And let me just tell you, The Amityville Terror is less interesting than watching paint dry.

The intro for this movie is godawful, and pretty much set the tone for the rest of the movie. It did not improve at all. In fact, it went steadily downhill, with this silly girl playing the lead, an awkward family, a guy that fucks his sister somewhere along the way (really, they went for gold here guys), families sacrificed for witchcraft (I think), and a right hooker looking woman who has odd nipples that rents this death house out to unsuspecting victims.

The dialogue is super stunted, and made me cringe more often than not. I don’t know people who talk to each other like that, it’s not natural. Besides the dialogue being hinky, the interactions between the characters were utterly unbelievable and awkward to watch. The Amityville Terror knows nothing about finesse, and spends no time setting up a story. No, sir. Let’s just get right into the crazy. Not the good kind, mind, just the ridiculous kind.

The costume design was also something that had me wondering wtf. A lot of the women looked like they could do with a hell of a lot more material in their closets, the teenage girl could totally buy brands outside of Fox, and some people need to check their sizing and go shopping again. Gosh, I know how harsh that sounds, but the people even looked uncomfortable, which made things even worse.

As for the characters, I couldn’t stand any of them. Especially Hailey, that daughter. What a little ingrate man, and how rude can you be?! WOW! The characters took over and desperately tried to convince us that there was a story to be found here, which there totally wasn’t.

This movie suffers from bad, bad, bad, bad, bad writing. It is unforgivable actually. The writers stuffed the movie with shitty characters and nudity to try and hide it, and that was even worse. It was beyond stupid and ridiculous to boot, and features some of the best CGI and acting I have ever seen (PLEASE NOTE: Do not miss sarcasm). Like ho-ly shit. That being said, I can think of way worse movies in this godawful franchise. Not that it makes this one amazing or anything, but heck, it is infinitely better that Playhouse, the Chop is right, that was hands down the most offensive of the lot.

JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Playhouse (2015)

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Holy shit folks! We are back! The completists that Eric of The IPC and I are and all meant that there was no way in hell that we could leave this series unfinished! Even after the massive celebrations of ending that last piece of crap, this one made an appearance and we were all over it – there is no way this franchise will ever die! Keep your eyes peeled, we have so much more in store for y’all!

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SYNOPSIS: Following the tragic death of her parents Fawn Harriman discovers she has inherited a theatre in the town of Amityville. She, along with 3 friends, decides to spend the weekend there looking the place over. Meanwhile one of her High School teachers begins an investigation into the village’s past and makes a connection with something that goes back beyond recorded history. – via IMDB

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Well folks, who the hell knew that I would be back for more of this silly franchise? Well, me. Because I know the franchise blows (let’s not even pretend otherwise), but I am also someone who cannot leave something unfinished, so naturally I was back in action for this, and I do so love working with the Chop, so even if this was where we would begin (to end), I was on board. Even if it makes me the author of my own suffering.

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So. Uhm. The Amityville Playhouse. Right. You know, I don’t usually like to shit all over a movie. It has to be really bad. Like, really bad. Especially when you can see it is a budget film and they were trying. But then there are others that are unforgivable. This? This is one of those. SO BAD. And not the so bad it rocks kind, either. Just plain down atrocious and awful.

There are many fatal flaws to this movie, and I think the biggest offender is the acting. Like holy wow. It was just so stuff. I mean, we have all seen movies/series with some sketchy fucking moves and work from those involved, but this? This is next level man. WOW. Again, not even laughable bad, just so bad I can’t believe that anyone let these poor people put something like this out o.O

The Amityville Playhouse takes itself waaaaaaay too seriously, which is wickedly embarrassing. Pair that with some of the worst dialogue I have ever heard (I actually cringed), awful characters, a stupidly pointless plot (like wtf was that even?!), and some of the slowest, self-centred teens I have ever seen and you get this steaming pile of crap. That dweeb boyfriend? He actually said: “I swear I will pin him down and take a dump on his face. What. The. Fuck. I was sure it couldn’t get worse. I was sure. I was also terribly mistaken.

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The movie honest to goodness even tried to address the gay/straight thing here. Like AWKWARD and does not fit into the whole katoot. Hang on – they actually addressed the whole science vs. religion thing, too o.O There’s even a section on the issue of America, and the slaughter of the Native Americans. Ambitious fucking movie, I tell you!

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I freaking hated the characters. Not just cause they were bad actors, but because, for instance, the lead was so whiny, and then there was her total dweeb of a boyfriend, and an utter, screaming, yelly bitch as the best friend (I just don’t even want to get into this faulty thing). There was so much useless aggression all over the show here, which did not help matters in the slightest.

Let’s take one second to address the ridiculous roars (were those lions? What the fuck was that even all about??) and then, of course, that score. That. Fucking. Score. That thing that never, ever once let up, that was the same few notes on repeat. It hurt me. It really, honestly, truly did. I think that was worst for me. Music and a score and all are supposed to complement a film, not make everything so much more unbearable.

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I have to say, watching these kids, they are a freaking deadpan, meh lot. I swear to goodness, I had way more oomph as a teen. Never mind that, a weekend in a theater? Not a likely scenario, but you better believe we would have made the best of it! We are talking a hardcore party, a jol for days!

So… they are in the UK, and for shits and giggles these teenagers go over to the States to spend a weekend in the theatre? And the teacher skips over the lake as well, just for fun? WTF? Is that what happened? I have no idea! It made no freaking sense!

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This silly movie was entirely and excessively too long. And it was flawed, damaged, and broken. It actually made me yearn for some of the earlier entries. Yes, I said that. This was bad. Everything about this movie was clumsy.

I swear, I got to the end and I was like:

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And then my brain was like:

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As if this franchise is ever gonna throw in the towel. EVER.

I just want to thank the Chop for being such an awesome collaborator to work with, and I am looking forward to future projects!

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The ONLY reason I  ever bothered with this is because I’m a Completist and Zoë and I did a run on the entire franchise – well, and my OCD couldn’t just leave this dangling out there like a dong in the wind, so I rented it and immediately regretted this Terrible and Poor decision making on my behalf about four minutes into the movie. This fucking chick down here, with her fucking bangs, her twisty eyeballs and her fucking pimply chin:

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inherits a fucking movie theater from her fucking dead parents. Turns out she lives in some Canadian province with her Canadian friends and her Canadian school teacher but the theater is in some town called Amityville so they hop in their Canadian cars and head south to check it out. These are five of the worst actors I have ever laid my eyes on and they deliver their lines as pathetically as possible. I can’t really come up with words to explain this but there’s this scene where the five of them are trying to leave the theater and the door is locked.  Imagine for a minute that there is only ONE door in the entire building that violates every fire code in America. Now imagine that you’ve been stuck in a room for eight hours listening to some boring man read you The Telecommunications Act of 1936. In your most bored, tired, uninspired voice, say these words with your friends:

I CAN’T OPEN THE DOOR. THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

WHO LOCKED THE FUCKING DOOR?

I DIDN’T LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR.

I’M SO SCARED. I’VE NEVER BEEN SO SCARED IN MY LIFE.

WE’LL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE. WE’RE GOING TO DIE IN HERE.

I CAN’T OPEN THE DOOR. MY HANDS ARE BLEEDING.

QUIT FUCKING AROUND AND OPEN THE DOOR.

THE DOOR WON’T OPEN. THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

WHY IS THE DOOR LOCKED? I’M SO FUCKING SCARED.

WE’RE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

I’VE NEVER BEEN THIS SCARED IN MY LIFE.

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There is nothing at all good about this movie and the end is so stupid you’ll want to punch yourself in the balls (or other) for watching it. If anyone ever tries to convince you to watch this, do everything you can to immediately shit your pants and take those shit filled underwear and ruggedly place them on whoever suggested this’ head.

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And now, for e very special send off to this pitiful thing, here is an IPC reenactment of the famous door scene! Be careful, there’s lots of F bombs in there… so be sure to play it as loud as possible at your workstation so all of your colleagues can hear it!!

JB!! We did it!!! I can’t believe it!! UGH – what a fucking disaster of a franchise!! Who picked this shit??? I do love working with you but I am so glad this is over!!

Coming soon to a theater near you:

CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY

#theflies #ohmygodtheflies

JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Haunting (2011)

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Amityville is still in full swing people! Hell yeah, you know it! We have been having a crazy party for weeks now every Friday, and it just keeps getting better. Can this franchise top itself? It it even possible? After last week’s awesome entry, could they keep going in a strong direction? Well, they’ve tried their hand at the old found footage thing. Yep. Found footage. True story! Well… what did we think about their found footage dabbling? Read on to find out!

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SYNOPSIS: This movie is a ‘found-footage’ film about the Benson family who move in to the infamous house where the DeFeo family were murdered in the 1970s over 30 years earlier. Things start happening to anyone who visits this house, and whoever lives there. This is the footage retrieved from the camera. – via IMDB

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Are you fucking joking? I mean really?! As if these movies weren’t offensive enough, we have stepped into found footage filming! I promise you! Found footage!!

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This piece of crap movie starts with friends all banging in this Amityville house and then there is a family moving in.

From there, things get so much freaking worse. I kid you not. The lamest, stupidest, cheesiest deaths all start happening. Nobody can act to save their lives, and there was no creepy aspect to it. None whatsoever.

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I always seem to get to the place in these ridiculous movies that I think there is no possible way they can get worse. I always think this. I am always wrong. This is by far one of the worst movies I have ever watched. And I am not even just saying that. I mean it. I just couldn’t buy into anything that went on. The characters were stupid, the movie was shot ridiculously, the dialogue was so faulty, everything was just fucking stupid and I hated every second of it. There was nothing to commend about it, either, nothing creepy, nothing that could mean anything.

The camera being ever present was not realistically explained at all (which I know is common to most found footage movies) but hell. This one… I just… and that dad was a prick on top of it all. His family was pretty terrified of him, and that nobody addressed that is beyond me. Abusive twat. Plus he went cuckoo in the end. Totally batshit crazy.

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Alos, they are calling this house the Amityville house. Is this where we have gotten? After all this time?

Hold the phones kids! Apparently DeFeo didn’t kill anyone and someone else did and that someone else is like.. tiny and I just don’t even know how we got to this dark and evil place. How the fuck could these movies get any worse that they already were?!

Confession Time:

1 hours 23 minutes took me 6 hours to watch. I am the fucking master of all procrastinators.

master-procrastinorI hated it.

I FUCKING HATED IT.

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This goddamned movie sucked the most balls out of anything I think I have ever seen. Some puke family buys “the Amityville house” from the original even though it’s been destroyed in all of the sequels. This bag of puke films the entire thing and we have to see his bag of puke face way too many fucking times:

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Being found footage, the cocksucking camera glistens and statics and puke shit ghosts appear. See this next picture?

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That’s allegedly the ghost of the kid who killed everyone in the first one except he’s like, eight.  Apparently he’s haunting the house and causing workers and real estate people to die. He also eats the daughter’s cereal and stands there by the fucking door. At one point the dad gets mad and starts punching the air where he thinks the ghost is. It’s the fucking stupidest thing I have ever seen and I wanted to take a fat shit on this movie but I was watching it on my computer and didn’t want to soil my brand new monitor.

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I hated everything about this movie: the puke acting, the puke found footage, the puke Amityville house with it’s fancy new appliances and wood floors, the puke ghosts, the puke ending and the puke puke I puked while watching this puke. FUCK YOU, movie!

JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Horror (2005)

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HA! After months of watching some really crap drab Amityville films, we finally get to the one that I have been waiting for… the only film of this entire franchise I had even actually seen before undertaking this project! Anyway, the Chop had never seen this one, and after the road we have come along for this, what did we both think of the remake? Is it one of those Hollywood fuck up embarrassments like A Nightmare On Elm Street or The Wicker Man? Did The Amityville Horror rise above those films? Is it as bad as some people say? Is it worse? Today we delve into these extreme existential questions of the Amityville Horror remake!

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SYNOPSIS: In December 1975, George and Kathy Lutz along with their three children move into an elegant Long Island house. What they don’t know is that the house was the site of a horrific mass murder a year before. They decide to keep the house and attempt to keep the horror in the past, but are now haunted by a murderous presence. This is until, George starts to behave weirdly and their daughter, Chelsea starts to see people. What follows is 28 days of sheer, unbridled terror for the family with demonic visions of the dead. Based on the true story of George and Kathy Lutz, The Amityville Horror remains one of the most horrifying haunted house stories ever told – because it actually happened. – via IMDB

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Let’s get it out of the way right now. I used to like this film well enough. More than other people, I reckon. But then I started watching this dastardly franchise and let me tell you something… I have come to realise I freaking love this movie!

And no… not just for Ryan Reynolds…

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Although, you know… he’s really fucking fine!

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Okay, okay, in a serious light though! Moving on… (ladies, stay tuned 😉 )

The Amitville Horror so does not deserve the hate that is thrown upon it all the time. Really. I liked the original just fine, so it isn’t even because I hated that. I just think that this one came together pretty well plus Ryan Reynolds.

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There were some creepy aspects to it, though never anything truly horrifying or scary, it really went for jump scares. However, little kid below hauling ass to go pee and hauling ass and jumping into his bed? Totally believable. Hell, I’ve hit quarter chicken status in life and sometimes (especially when I am home alone), I can scurry from my room to the bathroom and back and only feel safe again when I get to my blankies. Don’t even judge me monkeys!

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The Amityville Horror is not the offensive remake that it could have been. It holds itself in its own right and offers some pretty cool entertainment, provided you do not take it to be a true story.

Plus, Ryan Reynolds.

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I swear, he isn’t the only thing about this movie that is appealing! Besides strutting his stuff looking sexy as hell the whole time, he also happened to be pretty damn good in the role. See… Reynolds can do more than just comedy, though he is incredibly adept at that 🙂

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Okay, okay. Uhm, let’s see… there was also the awesome concept of him losing his shit and wielding an axe and stomping around and freaking out (Lauren, I know that this worked alright for us – well, the appearance and minimal clothing, at least).

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I think this person missed the point of which way to take “George” out of the bathtub for a hug… wrong way tub arms!

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Okay, okay, seriously. The story has obviously been pimped and changed up so that we get more of a “horror” film and does not work on atmosphere like the original. There are plenty holes and stuff, but I think… I think… more Ryan Reynolds makes the world a better place…

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This was the first of these films in a really long time that didn’t leave me with this reaction:

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Like I said two months ago, I had never seen this because I was scared shitless by the original back when I was a kid. When this came out I was also not really into Ryan Reynolds (although now I am a big fan) and JB was 15 years old. Feel old yet???? So, as we watched these in order and it came time for something modern I REALLY liked this movie and……………………… RACHEL NICHOLS and MELISSA GEORGE?????????????????????????????????????????????????? WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME THEY WERE IN THIS???????????????? I mean, I know this next clip is from P2 but….. OMG OMG OMG

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I’ve been a big fan of hers since I saw her in THE WOODS so long ago. And by big fan I mean – no wait. Let’s not go there. This isn’t my site. Did someone say G.I. Joe???

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So – back to the movie. This time around Reynolds and George play the heads of the family that move into the fateful hou-

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Sorry. ~the house and the demons start to get up in Reynolds grill and he starts chopp-

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*shakes head to regain composure*

~ starts chopping up firewood and there’s a ghost running around and sticking her finger in the hole in her head and there’s some flies and Reynolds yells at-

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*loosens collar*

*wipes handkerchief across back of neck*

*wonders where this fucking handkerchief came from*

~starts yelling at everyone and Chloe Grace Moretz is on the roof and why did they have to kill the dog and I wonder if Marley Shelton will show up in this post and there’s two piece bikinis and libraries and someone nee-

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HUH WHAT HUH HUH HUH What’s going on here?? I really liked this movie!!

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*goes outside*

JB & The Chop Do: Amityville – It’s About Time (1992)

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Guess what?! It’s another Friday, meaning another Amityville slamming review! When Eric told me that he liked this one more than most along the line, I was definitely trying to optimistically perk up. Now, after the abomination that was The Amityville Curse, you could understand how anything could be better. Now, while this was marginally better, it was still just so crap!

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SYNOPSIS: Jacob Sterling brings home a mysterious clock from the infamous Amityville house, not knowing that it’s haunted by demonic spirits. – via IMDB

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Alrighty. Well. It’s About Time. I wish that could have reflected the sentiments of this series coming to a grinding halt after all the terrible failures we encountered before it. Or that we finally got a film worth watching. Anything. Anything but this. I know that there (might) be some fans for this one, but I certainly was not one of them.

My fiancé even tried to stick one out with me, just to see what I was up to. This one was so ridiculous he laughed and took his valuable time and spent it elsewhere. And when I say laugh, I don’t mean in that joyous, love life kind of way. I mean in that seriously, WTF kind of way. Well. Surely that should have put things into persepctive? Nope, I was still spending my valuable time on the couch watching this.

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Now truly, this is heaps better than that shitty predecessor. There were even some things I could deal with. But just as much there were things I could not comprehend. For one, this girl is seeing some psychiatrist/psychologist and she is banging her ex? And this new boyfriend of hers is alright with her staying with her ex, or even just his children (before he came home)? That is one seriously open relationship, if you ask me. Then let’s talk about those kids. Rusty made me cringe at the best of times, but he was the best character we got. As for the sister, Lisa? Not a fan. Didn’t help that she went super sexual later. It’s like the movie decided that if it couldn’t be good, it could be sold on tits and ass. Horror failsafe I tell you.

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Anyhow, before you know it some #SatanicClock has moved in with them (again, another movie that is not set in the Amityville house?! What the fuck is going on?!) and pops has lost his architectural marbles and is obsessing over the Amityville house (seriously, he is building it everywhere and hanging dolls from it and painting Swatikas on shit… what the fuck man? Not cool). Only Rusty seems to want to know what is going on. Knows it, and isn’t really doing anything about it.

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While we are at it, pops has one nasty ass festering leg cause of a dog attack that what, didn’t happen?! Peaches (the dog) was perfectly fine, so did dad maul himself? Is there another rogue dog in the neighbourhood running around with a sweatsuited owner?! Who knows these things?

Then there is the old lady that is friends with Rusty, Iris. She was there in the beginning, sort of trying to convince us that this:

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was sort of like this by overlapping the old creepy over the modern and new one:

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Well, not luck or wins on that from my side, thank you. However, she was also the only other character that I liked. She was actually pretty cool, and I liked the friendship between Iris and Rusty. It was sweet. I hated the fact that the heroine/lead for this movie was Andrea because she was just… ugh. A pushover, and bitchy, no real direction, not even a little strong… embarrassing, if anything.

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This movie didn’t really have a clear idea of what it wanted to be, and struggled intensely to explain the concept of time that it was working with, and how to sell it to us. It stumbled too much there, and I think if this had been written better, didn’t rely on it being about Andrea banging dad the whole time and sister Lisa getting all slutty, there might have been something here. Granted, the dialogue was cheesy as heck, but there were instances where they were almost onto something (the lounge flickering between the regular lounge and some torture chamber). They should have steered clear of attaching the Amityville name to this – sell us the clock, the evil spirit, the time theory, sell us that. Don’t sell us that this special #SatanicClock came from Amityville. You lost it there. And I am sure this is going to have that really awful B-movie charm for some, but it just wasn’t for me, though it has the potential to be made into a cheesy, charming B-movie…

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I guess I’ll go out on a limb and say that I liked this movie. It’s certainly NOT good whatsoever but, I think, after watching the miserable number five this had some sort of innocent charm to it. Again this has NOTHING to do with the originals at all and even includes a heinous reference to “I got it from the house we tore down when we were building the subdivision” – meaning the Amityville house that was destroyed at the end of number 3. But I thought this was all right. It starts off with a middle aged man coming home in the rain. He greets his family – and his mistress – and shows them his newest acquisition from his travels – a clock he got from the house they tore down when they were building the new subdivision. Then he promptly shoos his kids off to bed and has sweaty sex with his concubine. The keen eye will notice that the first four movies were pretty much devoid of any skin but, there’s some blurry, dark, floaty boobs in the fifth and then in this one:

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Of course we’re talking about Miss Universe 1980 and future Baywatch star Shawn Weatherly. Nice rack , lady!

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SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO this fucking clock is haunted because it came from the not destroyed Amityville house and soon it’s possessing dogs and the father of the house and soon, the daughter who, one night, decides to sleep on the couch in the living room with the clock in it. She’s awakened in the middle of the night by some noise or such and sees her reflection in the mirror and, as we all do from time to time, she goes and poses in front of it and puffs her boobs up a little. Her haunted reflection then starts touching herself in her reflection’s privates and, just like always around here, her reflection reaches out of the mirror, cops a boob feel and then gives her a haunted orgasm. SCORE!!!

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Later, now possessed, she seduces and lures the local jock down into her basement and disrobes on her family’s model train track. Again – this is pretty common for all of us so nothing’s weird there but, after she says something like “Come and get me big boy, CHOO CHOO!!!” our man takes off his clothes and sinks into some sort of tar, never to be heard from again.

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The main point to take from this, I believe, is that once again we have a shot of some male’s junk and, once again, it’s pretty impressive. Where do they keep finding these high school kids with suck large packages?

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Of course, later we get to the big finale and it’s kind of a reach but, after it was over, I felt like I liked it. At one point, the father’s lover has taken a lover and the father confronts him. He shakes his hand and says: “Nice grip. Do you play squash?” I don’t feel the need to watch it again any time soon, but, hey, it’s better than the last one and number three. But, then again, it’s also a movie about a fucking possessed clock.

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#hauntedorgasm

JB & The Chop Do: Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes (1989)

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So folks, we are back. As always. With another one of these. This one The Chop and I decided to watch together, and while it was truly godawful, it was fun to watch with someone and rip it. Eric had some… difficulties sourcing this one, and when he did, let’s just say he really, really wasn’t winning. I am impressed you  made it through that PSC!

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SYNOPSIS: The demonic force lurking in Amityville for over 300 years escapes to a remote California mansion. It encounters a struggling family living together by uncertain means. The beast manipulates a little girl by manifesting itself in the form of her dead father. Soon it will be able to possess her completely… is it too late for a young priest to defeat the demon and end the curse? – via IMDB

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JB & The Chop Do: Amityville II – The Possession (1982)

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You know, when Eric picked these movies, I thought there were a few, and I knew they wouldn’t be great, but I went with it because hey, let’s see what else there is to watch! Well… then we got these. Really we did. It is pain, it is torture! BUT it is our duty to keep everybody informed and safe from such evils (if you have been fortunate enough to miss the bulk of these), and we take our job seriously! Now, the Chop and I checked out Amityville II: The Possession, and while the fact that I flipped out about it is widely known, let’s look at this one last time, see what Eric has to say!

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SYNOPSIS: An Italian-American family move into a house built on an ancient Indian burial ground. The oldest son is possessed by an evil spirit, and is forced to murder his family. The family’s priest feels responsible, and tries to save the possessed boy’s soul. – via IMDB

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As you all know, I absolutely hated this. I hated this enough to submit it as my Shitfest entry in the latest running. I mean I didn’t expect great things from this series, but I don’t know when last I watched something that I wanted to scream and rage about. This one was certainly that. Fucking ridiculous I tell you.

I reiterate: Fuck. This. Movie. Fuck it. Don’t go near it. Don’t touch it. Don’t even blink in the direction of it. Do not even, for a minute, consider entertaining that thought that, for a joke, encourages you to check this out. Just don’t even go there. For your own health. For your own safety.

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This movie was heavy handed. It was useless. The characters sucked. The dad was an abusive nitwit that I couldn’t bear to look at, and we had to deal with watching him beat up the kids in the family. That wasn’t even just alluded to. As if my stomach wasn’t churning enough, we have a brother and a sister going all the way with each other, you know, cause that’s how it is supposed to be done. I was horrified.

This movie aimed to shock more than anything, and I really think it wanted to be the next Exorcist movie, but that was just doomed and never meant to be. This was just badly put together in every which way. Ugh. What a waste of my life. I will never get it back. Never, ever, ever. This movie was offensive, and I would not even recommend this to my own worst enemy.

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Watching this, I was ready to pop someone!

I have no idea how they realistically want to tie this in with the original because come on, nothing fits, nothing gels, nothing works, so I just cannot even tie it in with that one. It just fucks out, and someone should be burnt at the stake for creating this godawful life-stealing, hunk of junk crappy film.

I mean, you can head on over here to check out my Shitfest entry, where I discussed the abusive cunt father, the possessed sister-shagger son, the heavy handed directing and useless movie overall in much more detail.

STAY AWAY. FAR AWAY. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

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Well, here we are again with a prequel to the big hit The Amityville Horror. This time around the studio bends over and puts its ass in the air to tell the story of the previous family who lived in the scary, old house before James Brolin and Lois Lane. Remember – that was the big money making opening scene in the first movie where the kid went in and gunned down his own family in the middle of the night? Remember how that scared the shit out of everyone? Well, let’s see how they did in telling their story. Hey look! It’s Paulie from Rocky!! Hi Paulie! Are you going to break the mold and be a real stand up guy in this one?? Spoiler – he’s not and this movie says:

“FUCK YOU CONTINUITY!!!”

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So this happy family moves in and the dad is a cocksucking dickhead but the rest of them seem ok although the brother and sister seem a little off. I’m sure they’re just really close like most siblings are. Maybe they’re even BFFs! Nice sweater, kid. I wonder if it will come off later.

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And, like always when you buy a 100 year old house, soon the faucets are running blood and there are flies everywhere and mirrors are cracking and there’s a giant hole in the ground that leads to hell.

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Undeterred, they continue to lead good Christian lives until the son gets horny and he and his sister start doing some fuckin’ – so – yep – that sweater popped off. At first she’s not into it and even confesses to a priest that she went “all the way with…. a friend” but later in the movie she encourages it so I’m confused with that but… eventually the mom gets wind of their behavior and confronts them then the dad gets home, gets drunk and beats the three of them up and down the house.

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In the biggest piece of SHITFEST continuity ever produced, the kid kills his parents there in the living room around dinner time and then murders his sisterlover on the stairs so basically this movie says FUCK YOU to the opening of the first, even though it’s made by the same people.

#weak
#idiots
#terrible
#fuckinglosers

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Another part of the creepy charm, or what have you, of the first one is that there’s this big money scene where Brolin is getting all batshit and he’s in the library reading some microfiche and he comes across the newspaper article regarding the murder of the family before they move in. Scroll, scroll, scroll he does and finds the accompanying picture of the murderer in the backseat of the cop car and: IT LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM!!!! DUM DUM DUM!!!!

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Let’s see here:

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FAIL!!!!

Then things start to get worse as some priest thinks the kid is just possessed, so this movie gets it’s Exorcist on and it’s really lame all the way to the end.

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Although, I must admit, there was one thing that was absolutely horrifying. Towards the end, the poor, sweaterless girl returns as as a demon and tempts the priest to have sex with her. I don’t know how they pulled it off but it’s absolutely the most terrifying, lip licking seduction of all time. I tried to make a gif of it but this is the first gif I’ve ever made so it’s not the best thing in the world, but hopefully you get the picture.

CONFESS!

Since we’re posting these after SHITFEST, I already know how JB feels about this one. I didn’t hate it as much as she did, but it’s not good.  We have’t talked about it yet, but I lobby that this is a million times better than the third….