JB & The Chop Do: Blair Witch (2016)

3

When the trailer for this movie first came out, I believe it was called “The Woods”,  made by the team that did “You’re Next” and “The Guest”, this looked nut-busting awesome and seemed like it would be a big winner. Then they called it Blair Witch and it went straight to streaming so…. hmmmm….. did anyone’s nuts bust here???

SYNOPSIS: After discovering a video showing what he believes to be his vanished sister Heather, James and a group of friends head to the forest believed to be inhabited by the Blair Witch. – via IMDB

The answer to that is a big, blue balls no for this wretched movie. What the FUCK? This was totally stupid from start to finish, I don’t know about JB but I wanted to kill all of the characters as well as the writer and director, and then they threw in of the worst fucking CGI creatures I’ve ever seen. Fuck you, man!

Who could have possibly thought that was a good move? Also – I think there was something going on with a spaceship. Or something. And some time travel. I think. I couldn’t have cared less.

You know the routine. A bunch of dopes go into the woods. They hear a bunch of shit noises. They go into an old house. They eat shit and die. Fucking suck it! I mean, I can’t even think of things to write… here’s that one pic again:

Are they trying to make us think that the Blair Witch is the stick figure thing?? Are they trying to insert THIS movie into the Ancient Aliens mythology?

I don’t know what to tell you but this movie is horseshit. I want to give another dearest thanks to The JB. Despite everything we’ve been through she’s still hanging in there with me. Surely things will get better for us, right??? Now – the real question is asked – are JB and I aliens from a distant time? Are we visiting from the past…. or the future?

Or is this an example of The Mandela Effect and you don’t remember things the way they happened………………………… ??

You know, I mistakenly thought that things couldn’t go further downhill with these movies than that Book of Shadows crap. I was sooooo wrong.

So, Wingard is a director that a lot of people fawn about. For me, outside of The Guest (of which I still have an indecent obsession), I am not totally in love. Him and Barrett aren’t bad, they are a little different, and I like that, but I don’t think they are like the Second Coming or anything. So I didn’t expect to hate this (shit, I even liked Death Note, though I will likely be butchered for even saying that), but I did. There. I said it.

Blair Witch is so fucking messy and upside down and stupid and cringy and NO. So much no. Initially I was really interested in the concept of Heather’s brother still wanting to know what happened to her all those years ago, and wanted to see what would happen. Instead we have icky dialogue, the characters I cared least about in the whole series, and then… the Witch/Spindly-Legged-Spider-Alien. Like… guys? Help?

There were a ton of throwbacks to the first movie littered throughout this one, and for the most part, those sections were handled rather well, which is odd considering how useless the rest of the movie was. And I am all for making a project yours, but this just… didn’t really fall in line as well as you would have hoped. We had alien witch things and outside light ups and arms in trees slapping people around, Prohibition tunnels, tents getting ripped up, and people being snapped like twigs. Uhm… sure.

So all of that makes it sound like a lot of crazy stuff was going on and that it was at least worth a watch, right? Wrong. If you take everything together and put it there, it looks like there was quite a bit to watch. In reality, there was a lot of bitching and moaning, crappy camera work, bland friendships, flat, generic characters and a whole lot of meh-ness all round. Seriously, I thought this would have been a little better. There are reviews I have read online that called this movie smart (!!!!!) and deft (!!!!!) and scary (!!!!!) and I am just wondering if we all even watched the same fucking movie. Because this movie is lame and heavy handed and soooooo drawn out and boring.

Needless to say peeps, I think the only movie you need to see in this series (if you haven’t seen any and if you want to see what it is all about) is The Blair Witch Project, even though it is screechy and low budget, it also comes across as the most sincere, and it was the movie that popularised the stupid found footage genre.

Thanks to everyone who stuck with us for yet another series and read, commented, and enjoyed our torture! We survived this franchise, too! The things we put ourselves through for fun and entertainment. But you know what? We secretly love it. And PSC, you are the bomb! I totally love working with you on all our projects, and I am so happy you were up for these, even if they were sketchy.

JB & The Chop Do: The Blair Witch Project (1999)

4

Hello! Hola! Greetings! Salutations! That’s about all I know being from where I live and I am not a linguist. What’s the English one? Jolly good old cock? Or – “I am the Queen, let the Olympiad games begin.” ? In any case, Hi. Remember this movie? Remember the 2nd? Did you know there was a third and now a 4th (not released yet)? Did the first one scare the shit out of you? Did the 2nd suck as much ass as the population of Earth described? Did the third – by the guys that did “You’re Next” and “The Guest” – turn out all right?? When we get to the 4th will we want to harm ourselves???? Tune in over the next few weeks and find out!

Or else……..

SYNOPSIS: Three film students vanish after traveling into a Maryland forest to film a documentary on the local Blair Witch legend, leaving only their footage behind. – via IMDB

I remember I saw this in the theater. I remember the theater had an attendant come in before the thing and tell us its been make people sick all day and to be warned. I remember seemingly liking it. I know that I’ve never watched it again because of the whole non-ending. Now I’m set to give it another go almost 20 years later. Let’s see what happens.

This has got to be one of the more irritating movies I’ve seen in some time. I’m about 45 minutes  in and nothing at all has happened except for a lot of nonsense screaming about nothing, bad improvised dialogue and  just some weird sounds offscreen that offer no value. I would think that any sensible human being, when hearing a noise in the bushes, would hunker down and prepare to fight and not run blindly screaming into the dark, cold woods where the sound is coming from. Plus, if I were any member of that trio, I would have told the other two to FUCK OFF and left long ago. And it’s not even in fucking HD.

BRB

AT 59 minutes in, Heather is screaming the word ‘Josh’ so loudly and so close to the camera’s microphone that it made me want to puke. I’m really starting to wonder why I’m doing this to myself.

Who hasn’t seen this movie? Do you want to? It’s not scary one bit. The shaky cam footage really is nauseating.  All three leads (the only three) are all cut-your-own-fucking-ears-off-and-eat-them shriek-y and scream-y. There’s no payoff at the end and everything that is supposed to frighten happens off screen.

I remember watching Blair Witch 2 at some point on video tape back in my old apartment. I remember being the only person in the United States that liked it. I remember looking at it a few years later here at home when I was drunk and stoned turnt wasn’t on anything and have vague memories of liking it again but i guess we’ll see soon!

Okay, well, here we are! I figured it was worth giving this a shot – you all know how much I absolutely adore fund pottage (and for those of you who don’t, please don’t miss my sarcasm), but I also know that this was something I watched quite a few times when I was younger. Back when it came out it was fresh and new and it’s popularity skyrocketed found footage into the limelight… unfortunately.

Found footage is not the easiest thing to watch – usually a really shitty camera, or a decent one, but there is so much movement going on your head spins and you don’t have all the time in the world to follow everything, and a lot of things get lost in the hurry and confusion. Me? I like things to come together deliberately. Now all of that aside, The Blair Witch Project still holds up pretty well. I mean it guys! It is still one of the better films in the genre!

Heather is an absolute bitch. She is headstrong and rude and egotistical to boot, and she is right all the time and can never be wrong and is so… no. She got on my damn nerves, and I got why Mike and Josh got so annoyed with her. They were in a super shitty predicament and not once would she acknowledge that, nor would she ‘fess up and take even one iota of responsibility for the shit storm.

Low budget and all of that, The Blair Witch Project definitely comes together in terms of the authenticity of the actors going to pieces out in the woods. Usually found footage can feel so… forced, and this did not feel more so than say, her having the camera out and irritating people. In fact, the movie did a pretty damn good job at not having the camera rolling all the time, major complaints when it was running more than was strictly necessary, and later a begrudging acknowledgement went out as to how it took some fear and panic out of the hopeless situation.

Now, it must be said that the movie is far longer than it absolutely needs to be. Like, way too long. It could have been half this length and probably told exactly the same story, which would have worked out far better, I reckon. Well, just some editing. Take this down to an hour. That’s a big thing with FF – it just drags on way longer than it should.

The Blair Witch Project is too long and way too screechy at times, but it is one of the better ones of the genre, flaws and all. I didn’t want to yank my teeth out, at any rate.

JB & The Chop Do: Amityville: The Awakening (2017)

4

OMG another one of these mother fuckers…. and there’s like THREE MORE!!! FUCK!!! Why do we do this to ourselves??? BECAUSE WE’RE FUCKING COMMITTED, THAT’S WHY!! COMMITTED LIKE SONS OF BITCHES!!! Can you believe this is the FIFTEENTH Amityville movie we’ve discussed?? GODDAMN! Let me calm down a little bit and have a shot of that white jagermeister that dipshit was drinking in the last one of these we watched. *shoot* *slam* *exhale* aaaaaaaaahhhhhh.

Let’s see what we’ve got here…

SYNOPSIS: A desperate single mother moves with her three children into the notorious, supposedly haunted, real-life Amityville house to try and use its dark powers to cure her comatose son. Things go horribly wrong. – via IMDB

I had never heard of Bella Thorne until I was watching The Babysitter one day and I was all ‘who is this hot chick??’ and looked her up and saw that she was in this new Amityville movie that took forever to get released.

She seems like a reasonable enough actress but I’m sure she was cast more for those 30 minutes she runs around in barely there underwear…

Which I’m not knocking in any way but that did seem a little unusual but, for PG 13 (in the U.S.) we didn’t get any tits or brother on sister sex. We did get a little of this, who looks to be in a lot better shape than the last time I saw her in that miserable Hateful 8 movie.

And I think, for the most part, things were going pretty good in this thing until the last 20 minutes. I know it was 20 minutes because I paused it with 20 minutes left to go sin (inside joke), returned and the rest of it was pretty shit. BUT – overall – this has to be one of the better entries into this miserable franchise.

There are several things I’ve never understood why producers / directors put into movies. I’ve griped about them before and even once made a manifesto of sorts – that page has  a lot of comments so, to keep it short:

  • cell phones and dial tones
  • tires screeching on dirt roads
  • people who don’t smoke conveniently having expensive lighters when it gets dark
  • drivers constantly shifting gears during high speed chases (does their car have eighteen gears or something)
  • when someone turns into a zombie / demon / mutant – why do their fucking teeth always get so fucking pointy??

………………… Exhibit A:

Poor Red (That 70’s Show)… he had a decent part and then got smothered with terrible fucking CGI flies…. and they all went in his mouth… what the fuck??

Oh well… this is not the worst move ever…  it’s not even the wort, which is how I spelled worst three times before I got it right… definitely better than ALL of the other ones except the first one and the Ryan Reynolds one.

Sweet Jesus, these movies are never going to end. As the dear Chop has pointed out, we are committed. Or masochists. Probably a good combination of both. When this movie eventually got released, I was shocked. Why? Eric and I have been waiting for this movie since we started this Amityville franchise in March of 2015 (!!!!!!), and even had other Amityville movies eagerly jump the line to get in before this one did. We thought we were waiting on one. Apparently this franchise had other ideas. But then it came. It finally came. Well hot damn, add it to the crazy list!

I popped this in, my husband took cover and hunkered down with some Battlefield 1, Natasha thought I had officially lost it, Ryan is probably still wondering (like us) whether evil ever dies, and got rolling… and was surprised. Goodness, who knew that there would be a decent instalment?! Now, I need to clarify this here so we are all on the same page: while this movie is by no means a great movie (or even particularly good), if compared to the other offerings in this franchise, it is definitely superior.

There is this piece in the movie where, for movie night, the kid offers up the original, the sequel (we all know how much I loved that one), and the 2005 remake. There was a lot of dissing on remakes, and I just want to put it on record here, the 2005 Amityville Horror is, without a doubt, the best movie in this franchise. So don’t knock it newbie, though you are better than the other drivel this franchise has churned out.

Just throwing this in here for science:

Okay, back to the movie…

Sorry, wrong movie! I know we sound like people defending this and not knocking it like so many have and calling it super crap and all, but we know better. I know that Cameron Monaghan is our new, young Joker in Gotham (though I have yet to see it – have seen clips though, and he looks like buckets of crazy), and I recognise Bella Thorne as the super bitch in The Duff – she’s still a bitch here, but not quite the same type.

The movie really wasn’t too bad starting off, though I desperately wanted to give that girl some clothes, which led me to question if girls in America all really lie around in their panties doing homework and then traversing the house in their knickers – the stereotype had to start somewhere, right?

Naturally the family is super dysfunctional (like what kind of Amityville movie would it be if it weren’t like that), and there are a ton of secrets surrounding the house. Peeps, I hate to say this, but I swear I am starting to get old. Bella, our main panty prancing, bad attitude protagonist grated on me. What is up with that? I mean I know teens are moody and disrespectful and all those things, but the more I see of that the older I am getting, the more insane it is (though her mom was cuckoo-katchoo to boot and she really does love her baby sister, whom she is just trying to protect). It is madness.

Anyway peeps, not a great horror, but a particularly good entry to this super shitty franchise. I won’t make the mistake of saying at least they are done now, because I am sure that, before we know it, the Chop and I will be back with more torture!

JB & The Chop Do: Scream 4 (2011)

6

JB & THE CHOP SCREAM

After taking such a long hiatus – and relieving the public of my constant shame – I want to say that I have had a shitload of fun doing this again, JB. Thanks for not giving up on me :  ) I haven’t exactly loved these Scream movies BUT I didn’t grow up on them like you did. I wonder what we can pick next… maybe something older – like ME! I remember the 90s as my young 20s when I moved out of my mom’s and went to college and had to start paying bills and shit and working 90 hours a week (for real). Those aren’t my fondest memories CRY CRY CRY. But, with that, I had to say this was probably my favorite one of the bunch… *walks slowly backwards out of the room….

scream 4 poster

SYNOPSIS: Ten years have passed, and Sidney Prescott, who has put herself back together thanks in part to her writing, is visited by the Ghostface Killer. – via IMDB

CHOP SCREAM

What made me like it the most out of the four? It came out in 2011 so it was a little more modern. It was definitely much  more gory,  #guts . Dewey seems to be back to his role as an inept #dingdong . I know the cast is principally the same but I liked the cameos. This came out right when True Blood was popular so I wonder how much they had to pay Anna Paquin and her #legs to be in this for two minutes? I also liked the fact that the killer made sense this time even though I still think the costume is not #tits . If you don’t get that reference, you can search my site for the three page explanation of how that term came into my life. Searching that word on my site will take you to probably 1000 of the 1300+ posts out there. Go find it and get back to me here. Maybe you’ll win a prize! A #booby prize!

Plus – Marley Shelton??? #??????????? any movie with her in it gets extra marks from me.

I also like Emma Roberts. I don’t think JB does but I do – I really liked her in Scream Queens.

You know what I didn’t like? This asshole’s hairdo. (Not the chick). A man’s hair should never blow in the wind! #fuckinhippies

I also really liked the publicist:

Where have I seen her before??? OH YEAH! She’s one of the leads from GLOW!

I loved that show! Bring on season two! More #spandex and #chickfights and #cleavage and #bighair and #showerscenes . #hashtag

I always try and end these runs with a nice thank you to the beloved JB, not that that happens consistently but… even though JB and I live on different continents, if it ever came down to it, and I was a zombie:

It gives It permission to end It without repercussions. It does not want It to end It in any way, but It saw this image and it made It think of It.

Always love,

It

JB SCREAM

And here we are, the final movie. Thank you all for sticking with us, reading, commenting, everything. As always, we appreciate it! It’s been a blast, and hopefully we will be back soon with something new!

I think that this is a damn fine entry to the series, especially after so many years passing in between. More solid than the last, that is for sure, and I really liked how it took the concept of Scream and modernised it to cellphones, vlogging, etc. So much has changed! I will always be a fan of the fact that the same cast has always returned for their roles, it just gives the whole experience a more cohesive and authentic feeling, which is awesome. I really like how these movies are all solid – truly, how many franchises can say that they have so many entries and that they are all well worth watching? *cough* Amityville *cough*

scream 4 don't fuck with the original

Thank goodness Cox’s hair was sorted out – Scream 3 did her no wonders whatsoever, and whoever styled her hair with that fringe should have been shot. Seriously. Her and Dewey being together is adorable, and I will not lie, that blonde woman, Hicks, who was hitting on Dewey? Really made me angry :/ Stay away or go find an available man, hooker! Even though the Chop thinks she is hot. Which is fine. But she must back off the Gale/Dewey thing!

And yes, the Chop is 100% right – I am still not sold on Emma Roberts. Even her face just looks like a spoiled brat to me, and she always comes across like that, too. Ugh. She isn’t even that great an actress (or I have yet to see her in anything where she wows me, at any rate).

Scream 4 brings on the slashing, the guts, the gore, some humour, more movie references than you can shake a stick at and all most all of our favourite characters. *cough cough* no Randy ;( The rules have been updated, too, for a more modern set, and it works for this. When this first came I just didn’t watch it, because… well… what if it didn’t end well? When I finally got to it I was pleasantly surprised, and definitely rank this over Scream 3.

scream 4 i'm gay rule

I almost died when they tried to call Rory Culkin’s Charlie Walker this generation’s Billy Loomis. Are you freaking kidding me?????? Are you?????? I mean I get the updating and all of that but… but… yeah. Still not, though I did like how he was worked with in this.

scream 4 ghostface door

Hayden Panettiere (who I am sure will always be Claire, the cheerleader, for me) initially struck me as potentially out of place in this, but fast becomes a fan favourite, she’s awesome.

scream 4 trying to do ghostface

Anyway, after all is said and done, I just want to thank Eric from the bottom of my heart for doing these movies with me! I am glad to see you liked them, even if you didn’t love them! I am so excited for any and all future projects that we will do together (and damn, those Amityville movies are racking up again). This is always fun and you rock 😀

PS: It loves Its picture, but It will not be ending It in a hurry!

JB & The Chop Do: Scream 2 (1997)

4

JB & THE CHOP SCREAM

“A year after running over a fisherman and dumping his body in the water, four friends reconvene when Julie receives a frightening letter telling her that their crime was seen. While pursuing who he thinks is responsible for the letter, Barry is run over by a man with a meat hook. The bloodletting only increases from there, as the killer with the hook continues to stalk Julie, Helen and Ray.”

Oh wait…. WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH????

scream 2 poster

SYNOPSIS: Two years after the first series of murders, a new psychopath dons the Ghostface costume and a new string of killings begins. – via IMDB

CHOP SCREAM

For The Good Reader / Zutsonian with a keen eye (it seems paying attention these days is something a lot of people aren’t fond of) the team-up for the first Scream we put out was drafted over two years ago. Since then, I have spent over a year in a foreign land, living in a hotel and eating shit food until a few months ago when things started calming down and I was able to get a laptop back in action. Note: I am NOT fucking patient or OCD free enough to try and do posts on a tablet or phone. Anyway, since time is still precious, my entry here will probably be written in two parts before it goes live, so here’s Part One.

“A guy can’t even take a fucking piss….” that’s actually a quote from Angel Heart (maybe not [sic]) and it may or may not apply here but, I thought it was laughable that these two fellows were off pissing in their ROBES and MASKS setting up the first kill.

  1. As a male, normally, you have to be able to handle the thing that releases the pee – which is why the Benevolent Creator (as it is, whatever you believe in) allowed humans to invent the slit in the front of the pants or, at least, a tie string so we can drop them and let go #zippers
  2. The male human has to be able to see the thing that releases the pee in order to aim or else you fucking piss all over the floor and, likely, your fucking feet. Despite the fact that these people can somehow see through the ‘ghostface’ masks and run around all over the place, they probably really can’t and just befouled the floor and their shoes
  3.  True story that no one will get: about 25 years ago I was at a St Patrick’s Day event at a local bar and went to piss. If you’re not familiar with urinals, you should educate yourself but I was having a good, solid, beer infused whizz, looked over and a popular sports celebrity was peeing next to me. I smiled, stabilized my drunken self, and I noticed was peeing all over his leg. #fuckingclassy #calegundy

Watching this, It’s not so fucking 90s as I remember the first one being but it’s weird seeing a bunch of these folks so young and skinny. I’m a huge fan of Ray Donovan (Liev Schreiber), Timothy Olyphant (you name it), Portia de Rossi (married to Ellen DeGeneres) (or was, that could have changed since I paid attention) but what I thought was the most funny thing, Rebecca Gayheart… I remember when I was a kid, having the hots for her in her OxyClean or Noxzema face cleaning ointment commercials. That picture, while digital, is probably older than JB.

Up next: Part 2:

Speaking of Timothy Olyphant, I see he’s wearing some sort of shirt and has a visible sleeveless undershirt on underneath it. I’ve never understood this. My lifelong understanding of wearing an undershirt was to prevent your armpit sweat from showing or staining your good shirt you have on to impress people. What’s the fucking point of not covering your armpits? Why wear two sets of shirts for no reason. I guess, if these things aren’t popular overseas, here’s what I’m talking about:

Jeez, nice thighs, man. The movie? I think I liked it more than the first. I liked the new cast better and it was “less 90s”. Plus there was some Foo Fighters in there. You can’t go wrong with a little Foo. It was basically the same story as the first, with more blood – which is something they talk about early on in “Film Study”. Now let’s pass the mic over to JB. Oh, since I know JB loves GIFs, I better include one.

JB SCREAM

Sequels aren’t usually that good, we all know that. It is a topic that this sequel harps on about, and it is  actually successful. For one, I still had an absolute blast with this movie, how conscious it is of the type of film it is, how it mocks and taunts again, even after having done all those things. Scream 2 manages to pull it off. Hell, it even has a (really) brief glimpse of Joshua Jackson in it, so there aren’t complaints for me – except maybe that it could have been more Joshua Jackson????? I need eye candy too!

Screw it, I will provide my own… just the one, I swear…

Anyway, let’s get to the movie. Super big fan of having Dewey back, and watching him argue and snipe at Gale is adorable. Seriously, I absolutely love watching these two together. It is sweet and it is seriously funny, too! David Arquette and Courtney Cox have fantastic chemistry. Sidney Prescott is back and kicking some major ass again, not to mention Gale laying down the law, too. There are a lot of throwbacks to the first movie here, but it all works. Scream 2 knows what it is and apologetically rolls with it.

Now, on to… *drum roll*

THE UNFORGIVABLE DEATH OF RANDY MEEKS

This! Fuck! Why?! This still rankles. I get why it would happen (do I really???). Doesn’t mean I gotta like it. And I don’t. I hatessssss it!

In Randy’s words, “Fuuuuuuuuuck yoooooou.”

scream 2 randy

Gale develops quite a bit more in this one, which is good. She’s still a bitch, but Gale is fantastic. Cotton Weary plays a bigger role in this one, but I still don’t like the damn creep. Icky, icky, icky.

We get tons of blood, tons of fun, tons of chases and tension and games, and plenty to quote. I thoroughly enjoy the humour in Scream, it just gels with me. In short, Scream 2 delivers everything you could want from a sequel.

Okay, this is the last one. I swear.

JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Terror (2016)

15

Once again JB and I delve into the Crimes Against Humanity section of movie making and take a look at The Amityville Terror. Is it bad?? Oh god yes! Is it the worst?? Well…. I hate to spoil things but that’s coming up soon. I thought this had some passable moments but it wasn’t good by any means. I think it’s funny that this franchise will never die and we’re attached to it despite all of our good intentions. There’s a line in a movie called Reign of Fire where Matty Maconougheyhey says “We have paid a terrible price….” and I think the two of us can both attest to that.

Let’s go!

the-amityville-terror

SYNOPSIS: When a new family moves to an old house in Amityville, they are tormented and tortured by an evil spirit living in the home while trapped by the malicious townspeople who want to keep them there. – via IMDB

AMITYVILLECHOP1

A perfectly happy family, living in peace on a sunny parcel of land in California receive news that the bank is foreclosing on them and they must vacate immediately. The mother and father ignore these messages and spend their days and nights pounding away at each other; in the bed, on the clothes dryer, in a pool of cold marsala gravy spilled on the floor, etc. The daughter gets sick of this so she spends her days dirt back riding. One day, while she is out in the hills riding her bike and collecting possums, the bank sends a bulldozer to the house, razing it to the ground, killing her parents. Distraught, but happy that all that constant banging is over, she moves in with her aunt in New York where she gets possessed and goes on a sick murdering streak until she is finally gunned down in a Bonnie and Clyde style shoot out on Amityville’s Main Street.

Sound good??? Well, it’s not and, honestly, none of that really happens. What does happen is this:

aterror2

Girl and family move to new town… into a house possessed by Satan…

aterror3

Girl meets boy…

aterror4

Drunken aunt bathes in acid….

aterror5

Someone has to deal with Satanic rosebushes…

aterror6

Someone gets a blowjob from his own sister then bangs her over the kitchen table….

aterror7

Someone somehow turns into some sort of growling witch with white eyes…

aterror8

OOPS!! How’d that get in there??

And then it is, mercifully over… or is it????

aterror9

I know it’s always fun to rag on a bad movie – and this one is BAD – but it’s not the worst of the bunch. The Amityville Playhouse was the worst of them all. This one is awful, to be sure, but it did have a couple of cool spots in it. Maybe three. The dialogue is pitiful. The CGI is THE WORST. Most of the story makes no fucking sense BUT it was better then Playhouse.

Things like this happen: a fully nude woman is taking a bath. Elsewhere in the house, her brother pours some drain cleaner down a sink. The tub fills with acid! “OOHMYGODOHMYGODIMBURNING!!!” she screams, falling out of the tub, exposing her shaved business. But she’s really not. Psych!

Later, a woman looks at her rose bushes. They are dead. So, as we all would, she starts screaming and moaning and pulls them out of the ground slashing her arms on the thorns and smearing blood all over her face. Quality!

Even later that day, the dad comes home from work after killing his boss in the worst fiery death you’ve ever seen. “I killed my boss today” he says. “How about i make you feel better?” she coos and gives him a blowy. Not satisfied, he pounds on her from behind for five seconds, makes his jizz and goes to bed. Uh oh! His wife is already in bed so he must have just boned his sister! Value.!

Yep – it’s bad. Is it #BazookaList bad? I actually didn’t HATE it like I hate some of these things I watch but it wasn’t good. I wonder how JB will react?

amityville jb1

Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?! For reals. The Chop and I have been waiting for the release of Amityville: The Awakening in 2017 (maybe, if they ever get done with it). Waiting? Dreading. Sorry. I need to make amends. Anyway, I was minding my own business the other day when I got this:

amityville-tweet-1

I was not shocked when that was followed by:

amityville-tweet-2

I could not believe my eyes! This little movie hopped up out of nowhere and beat Amityville: The Awakening to the punch. ANOTHER FREAKING AMITYVILLE MOVIE, WITH ANOTHER FREAKING TERRIBLE TITLE?! This franchise will never die. Then I went to have a look see, and this is what I saw:

amityville

It’s a freaking free for all! Just look at that! The list below was posted once upon a time in one of our reviews. These were all the Amityville films. Fourteen, if you count the one we are waiting for in 2017. Now? EIGHTEEN, counting the 2017 one. Four just popped up out of nowhere.

Amityville movies

Anyway, after all that, and educating both our readers and ourselves that we (apparently) have a shit ton  more of these crap things to catch up on, I will move on to the actual body of this review.

I totally thought that the one hour, twenty four minute runtime was doable. Heck, shorter than most of the others ones we have trekked through. Goodness, I should have thought about how that same runtime can feel like a lifetime if it is beyond boring. And let me just tell you, The Amityville Terror is less interesting than watching paint dry.

The intro for this movie is godawful, and pretty much set the tone for the rest of the movie. It did not improve at all. In fact, it went steadily downhill, with this silly girl playing the lead, an awkward family, a guy that fucks his sister somewhere along the way (really, they went for gold here guys), families sacrificed for witchcraft (I think), and a right hooker looking woman who has odd nipples that rents this death house out to unsuspecting victims.

The dialogue is super stunted, and made me cringe more often than not. I don’t know people who talk to each other like that, it’s not natural. Besides the dialogue being hinky, the interactions between the characters were utterly unbelievable and awkward to watch. The Amityville Terror knows nothing about finesse, and spends no time setting up a story. No, sir. Let’s just get right into the crazy. Not the good kind, mind, just the ridiculous kind.

The costume design was also something that had me wondering wtf. A lot of the women looked like they could do with a hell of a lot more material in their closets, the teenage girl could totally buy brands outside of Fox, and some people need to check their sizing and go shopping again. Gosh, I know how harsh that sounds, but the people even looked uncomfortable, which made things even worse.

As for the characters, I couldn’t stand any of them. Especially Hailey, that daughter. What a little ingrate man, and how rude can you be?! WOW! The characters took over and desperately tried to convince us that there was a story to be found here, which there totally wasn’t.

This movie suffers from bad, bad, bad, bad, bad writing. It is unforgivable actually. The writers stuffed the movie with shitty characters and nudity to try and hide it, and that was even worse. It was beyond stupid and ridiculous to boot, and features some of the best CGI and acting I have ever seen (PLEASE NOTE: Do not miss sarcasm). Like ho-ly shit. That being said, I can think of way worse movies in this godawful franchise. Not that it makes this one amazing or anything, but heck, it is infinitely better that Playhouse, the Chop is right, that was hands down the most offensive of the lot.

JB & The Chop Do: Saw VI (2009)

6

JB AND THE CHOP PRESENT SAW

Since JB and I are always about honesty and integrity, I’ll be honest and say that, despite my enduring and lifelong contracted love for JB, I’m getting tired of these movies and don’t really see how they have endured so long and made so much money. It’s the same fucking story EVERY time. Opening grossness, weave some new characters into the background of Jigsaw’s life,  burn them, chop them, emulsify them, super fucking twisty flashbacks that try and tie everything together, end. Sigh. At least this is THE FINAL CHAPTER, right!!! Right??? No – CRY CRY CRY

saw 6 poster

SYNOPSIS: Agent Strahm is dead, and FBI agent Erickson draws nearer to Hoffman. Meanwhile, a pair of insurance executives find themselves in another game set by jigsaw. – via IMDB

chop saw

Like I said in the opening, I’m getting tired of these things BUT, one thing I have always liked about them are the sexy nurse posters they put out each year for Halloween Blood Drives. Harrumph harrumph!

saw6a

So what’s going on in here? To be honest again, I watched this over a month ago. Before I went to New Jersey and before I went to Jamaica. I remember the opening act was fucking disgusting and this chicks chops her own arm off to save her life while another person dies gruesomely.

saw6b

Then we are introduced to some pitiful Insurance Company Executive who reminded me of the second Darrin on Bewitched:

saw6c

He fucks Jigsaw out  of insurance money for his incurable brain cancer so Jigsaw decides to murder EVERYONE. I still didn’t and don’t understand where Jigsaw got all of the money, time, peace and quiet and parts to make all of these elaborate death traps but OK. Didn’t it turn out that he owned the meat packing plant where most of this shit takes place? It doesn’t seem like it was truly successful considering how shitty the state of everything was…. it looks like the place has been abandoned for 60 years.

saw6d

I can’t remember if it was Jigsaw himself or one of his many helpers but somehow they kidnap EVERY member of the Insurance team and place them in traps around the joint. Darrin 2 can either let them die or kill himself so he doesn’t really try very hard to save them.

saw6e

Elsewhere, Jigsaw’s busty widow is running around town carrying out his last wishes.  Wishes he recorded on a videotape before he dies knowing that two million different decisions would have to happen EXACTLY the way he planned them to get to this point. Jigsaw’s widow (the one in the dress):

saw6f

I don’t know – I guess this just didn’t do much for me. At least with the Amityville movies – as awful as they were, at least the plot was different each time. As pitiful as they were, at least it was something different the next go around. I wonder what’s going to happen in the next one? Something new?????? I doubt it. The only thing I remember about number seven is that the commercial showcased some guy in overalls. There’s nothing I hate more than overalls.

saw6g

jb saw

You just know shit is bad when the big celebration point when every film starts is noting the run time.

Goddammit, the opening for this one is really fucking gross! I mean, not that any of them have been particularly savoury or anything like that, but this is just… why?!

saw vi opening

Recipe? Naturally. Nothing really changes. Shall we count the ways…?

  • Gory opening? Check.
  • Billy the puppet? Check.
  • Inundating the viewer with gruesomeness? Check.
  • Flashbacks? Check. Check. Check.
  • Past characters? Check.
  • Overly complicating the narrative with insane, unbelievable history? Check.
  • Jigsaw “teaching lessons” and “rehabilitating” people? Check.
  • Plot twist? Check.

saw vi

Well, you just knew there was going to be some major payback in this one the moment a health company was revealed – sharks, man, and this movie was really heavy handed with hammering that point home.

Losing Strahm sucked, he was a solid character and Patterson was really good. I was real peeved that his colleagues could think it was him. I mean this was out of the blue, and I am glad Perez reviewed the charges thing, and got Erickson on board, it would be too easy for Hoffman to get away with all that shit.

What the fuck kind of dysfunctional marriage did you have if you lose your baby, your husband goes cuckoo and leaves you and starts playing life and death games with people, and after all of that shit, you still get involved with his plans? Bitch, are you cray?

this bitch cray

Man, I thought the movies had moved on from being overly noisy. Evidently I was wrong. Also, more flashbacks than you can shake a stick at here, which is utter madness. These movies are super formulaic, no two ways about that. This one has victims facing off against each other and leaving their fate up to another man, such madness on the loop. It would take something extraordinary from this series to shock me, if I am being serious. It’s all just so nasty and grotesque and gory and trying to be so much smarter than it is. Oh, well. Who the hell knew that one tiny-ass budget film from back in the day was going to spawn all of this afterwards? Wan and Whannell sure as shit had no clue.

On a totally unrelated note, something that has been bugging me for the last few movies is that Detective Hoffman has a mouth like a fucking pouty fish. Plus they were downright glossy in this movie!

fish lips poutCostas-Mandylor-hoffman pout

Not seeing a major difference…

JB & The Chop Do: Saw IV (2007)

16

JB AND THE CHOP PRESENT SAW

Here we go again. Another extensive look into the insides of people. How many more of these are there? 10? 11? Yeesh. A man can only take so many guts and swirling camera flashbacks. Jigsaw is dead now, right? So he can’t whisper for 130 minutes? Right? RIGHT??

saw 4 poster

SYNOPSIS: Despite Jigsaw’s death, and in order to save the lives of two of his colleagues, Lieutenant Rigg is forced to take part in a new game, which promises to test him to the limit. – via IMDB

chop saw

Let’s start this piece off to do a little housekeeping and see if Bousman and the boys clean things up… by my record, still unaccounted for are: Elwes, Marky Mark’s brother, the guy from Braveheart and the guy from Braveheart’s daughter. I suppose Monica Potter and her daughter, Marky Mark’s brother’s kid and Jigsaw’s wife are just footnotes out there? Do they make comebacks in this series? We also still don’t really know why they killed the lady cop? Or how they could possibly AFFORD to make all of these elaborate traps to disgustingly kill people? We saw some boobs in the last movie – will we get some more? Will we see a pee-pee? Will there be even MORE and MORE rotating cameras and extensive flashbacks? Will this make me want to wretch?? I guess we’ll see. SPOILER: I did just see a #DeadPeePee ….. X _ X

Also – is this reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally necessary???

saw4a

So wait just a fucking second… SPOILERS This opens with this autopsy scene and they pluck out his stomach and there’s a tape recorder in there and this cop listens to it and then two guys are chained up and one of them kills the other one and then the dark skinned cop from the last two movies gets put into a Jigsaw game and then so does his boss and Marky Mark’s brother has been gone for six months and all of this stuff happens and then it’s actually concurrently running at the same place in time when the third one ends?? And this all takes place in 90 minutes?? HUH? WHAT? It’s obvious the cop is UPSET when he listens to Jigsaw’s tape recording but he’s actually the one killing everyone?? HUH???? WHAT????? This makes no fucking sense. If the beginning is actually the end then wouldn’t they have rescued that FBI guy when they gathered up Jigsaw’s body?? And the black cop?? Wouldn’t they identify the bad cop??? What the fuck?

saw4b

Also – this all takes place in NINETY minutes?? Blogga please. No way that happens unless they have Star Trek transporters. I don’t hate these movies but there’s something I have to address. These unbelievably elaborately architected traps someone keeps setting, all of the tortured and anguished screaming and moaning that goes on, all of the NOISE that these machines make when they are grinding and smashing people to pulp – all of the project that goes into setting these things up –

saw4c

HOW THE FUCK DOES ALL OF THIS GO UNNOTICED???

This cop comes home from work. His wife has been there all day (seemingly) and she’s packing a suitcase to go visit her mom or something like that. The cop goes to sleep and wakes up when he hears a noise. Somehow, the way I see it, while he was slumbering, someone came into his home, taped DOZENS of pictures around this one room, installed a large wall timer, wrote some letters in blood on his wall, put together this chair that’s going to rip this woman’s scalp off, and put a half dressed woman into the device and placed one of those pig masks over her screaming head. All while he was sleeping. He couldn’t have done it while the wife was home, right?

Exhibit A:

SAW4d

Exhibit B:

saw4e

Oh well. As a movie overall, aside from the last two paragraphs I wrote, it’s not too bad. It’s better than 1 and 3 in my opinion. I couldn’t get over the poor poor acting in the first one and the third one was just fucking gross. All of the movies suffer from being WAY over edited and this one didn’t disappoint with the sweeping in circles flashbacks explaining everything.  We did get some closure on Marky Mark’s brother and the guy from Braveheart though we still don’t know about his daughter or whatever happened to Elwes.

saw4f

I guess we get some insight into why Jigsaw does what he does but it still doesn’t make any fucking sense. His wife lost their baby in a tragic accident so now he murders EVERYONE? K. If I did learn one thing from this… Jigsaw’s wife has enormous cans. That would have been a lucky baby suckle suckle.

saw4g

Looks like Julie Benz is in the next one… YAY! I swear she’s the WORST actress….

jb saw

First thoughts? 95 minutes looks a bit more realistic! That last one was ridiculously long. Not cause it had a story, nope, but just because it wanted to curl your toes. And not in the good way, either.

Seriously, not long into this movie and it begins with me thinking: “OMFG, really?!” More sif shit on the brain bit? Will they ever let this go? Come on!

saw iv autopsy

Not only was the whole brain thing rehashed, there was a really uncalled for in depth port-mortem. Definitely didn’t need that, and yet they added it in anyway, because this would totally not be Saw anything without it.

saw iv autopsy2

Second thoughts? Well, maybe not second thoughts, I have had a whole bunch rush through my head by now. Okay, enough bumbling. Where was I? Oh, oh, I have seen this one, too! I still can’t remember if I stopped at this one or the next. Shows you how memorable they are after the fact.

The Saw movies truly are all about making you squirm and cringe, big time. While this one was nasty at times, it never reached the depraved depths of the last one. I am rather grateful for that.

This movie finally deals with the continuity of Detectives “Kankle” Matthews and “Ribs” Kerry, which, in my opinion, was long overdue. I would like to give these movies credit though for really pushing for the continuity and trying to keep everything tied together. Consistency, and it is pretty solid here. Solid does not mean believable or good though, it just means that they stick to things throughout.

LOL, check  out Scott Patterson here folks! Whoop! I will always look at him and think of him as old Luke Danes, the grumpy gills who runs a diner out in Stars Hollow. And he rocks as Luke, for reals! Okay, I guess this is totally not the place to discuss something as incongruous to Saw as Gilmore Girls.

luke danes gilmore girls

However, before you know it, he is the best thing about this movie. Danes actually gave a pretty damn good performance to boast about here, and he was pretty much the only character I honestly bought into. He was smart, determined, dedicated, the whole katoot. Pretty badass, too. Truly made this worth it – I don’t know when last there was actually a character in these movies I gave a rat’s ass about!

scott patterson saw iv

I think my biggest issue with this movie is the fact that I can’t buy into all of this going down in 90 minutes – they got Jigsaw’s ex-wife in for questioning, traversed all the crime scenes, continued the investigation, everything in 90 minutes, concurrently with Rigg running and playing Jigsaw’s game? Okay, let’s be honest, I would not say that buying into anything in these movies is easy, but if you suspend belief you can, in some sick way, picture this shit going down. But I just can’t suspend so far that all of this would tie in with the last movie and that it is all going down at exactly the same time, within ninety minutes. Sheesh. What crap!

saw iv billy

While there were some gruesome traps again, I thought that a particularly nasty cringe trap was the face knives contraption o_O Gosh! Can’t tell if it is vanity or if it is to do with the fact that no human being wants anything near/in their faces fucked around with – eyes, ears, mouth? Stay away!!

As far as the sequels go – I would say this is, without a doubt, one of the better ones. It tried more successfully for a backstory, and managed to give us one, to show us Kramer/Jigsaw, though he still seems like a bloody weirdo and control freak, and shows how his whole world collapses. Doesn’t make any of this any better on his behalf though. Also – this one isn’t so offensively loud as the others (yes, yes, common complaint).

Sooooooooo…

The whole movie was about this detective listening to the tape, to set up the next film basically? Uhm… well done? Good for the plot twists at the end though, it has been the best one since the first Saw movie.

saw iv blood strahm

JB & The Chop Do: Saw II (2005)

17

JB AND THE CHOP PRESENT SAW

Today we return with a look into and offer valuable insight on Saw II.  Will we enjoy it more than the irritating (IMO) first one? Will anyone saw off their own foot?? Will there be a mention of cockatoos and corpse desecrating in this post??? Read on at your own risk!


saw 2 poster large

SYNOPSIS: A detective and his team must rescue eight people trapped in a factory by the twisted serial killer known as Jigsaw. – via IMDB

chop saw

Picture this, you and your Beloved are paddling down a nice Venetian river, admiring the clouds, the warmth of love and tenderness enveloping you like your grandmother’s hugs.  Time, as it is, seems stopped as you enjoy the peaceful serenity of an Eden-like paradise. Later, you stroll, hand in hand up the marble steps of the resort, flower petals at your feet, sweet cockatoos walk wildly in the lobby. You are handed flutes of champagne that you sip as you pass the in-house orchestra, serenading you. In your suite, the room service has delivered the finest truffles, the softest lamb, the richest red wine; they have the windows open and the breeze blows the fragrance of roses throughout your room. You turn to the TV set to turn on smooth jazz on your satellite feed and really set the atmosphere. As the TV fires up, you soon realize you left it on the only movie channel in the resort’s network and it turns out it’s playing Saw 2 and you’re at that part where the chick is screaming and writhing around in that pit full of hypodermic needles and your asshole clinches so tight that you may never shit again and your Beloved is horrified and drops his or her glass of wine and throws his or herself off of your fourth floor balcony and as you rush to save him or her you slip in his or her wine puddle and you fall forward and hit your head on the table and break your fucking neck. That’s how I felt when I watched this scene:

Saw2a

Further, we can imagine, you are in Heaven with your Beloved, as well as your ancestors, both forgotten and recently passed.  It is the most lovely feeling you’ve ever experienced. In the distance you see the home you grew up in, you are finally free of the burden of tax paying and hard labor, you no longer need to worry or feel guilt or remorse. Holding your Beloved’s hand once again, you stoop down and wisp away the clouds to witness the disposition of your Earthly remains. You once again see your suite, you see the chamber-person enter the room. He is holding a tray of the finest mint sorbet the country has ever produced. Aha! He spies your lifeless body! He drops the tray in shock! The horror! Then he whips off his belt, yanks down his pants and starts really getting after it, desecrating your corpse, rogering it over and over and over again with the power of a bull, shaking the table, screaming and howling like a Irish banshee; pounding and pounding and pounding until he finally releases jizzes all over the room. The walls, the ceiling, the fireplace, EVERYWHERE! There must be GALLONS!! That’s how sodomized I felt when I watched this scene:

saw2b

The point here is that I can take a lot – I will ALWAYS turn away when a spider comes onscreen but I do have a thing for needles and razor blades – they freak me the fuck out. So BOTH of these scenes were really effective to a guy like me. It’s not like I got scared and ran crying into the closet but they were both teeth gritting and uncomfortable deep breath making. How about the rest of the movie? I actually kind of liked it – I liked it more than the first, that’s for certain, and I actually thoroughly enjoyed the last ten minutes or so.

saw2c

I found the camera work less irritating, the dialogues and writing much better, the acting was moderately more believable, I saw some décolletage and it was definitely a lot gorier than the first one. Actually, I think I liked everyone in this except for this guy:

saw2d

#décolletage

I also liked that we got more of an explanation of why he does what he does even though I still find it illogical that he or his cronies have that much time or money to build such extravagant traps. I also liked how it ended up, back in the toilet. We now know what happened to Adam and Zep!! but still no mention of Elwes.

#looseends

saw2e

For the record, I thought it was a big improvement over the first one and irritated me much less. I wonder what JB thought??

jb saw

Alright, and so we move on to the second installment of the grisly Saw franchise. Even as the movie starts, you can immediately tell that they had a much larger budget to work with, and this is evident throughout the film. A big thing that counts in favour of this movie is that it is shorter than its predecessor – not by an awful lot, but by enough to make the movie tighter and quicker than the last.

saw ii oven

Saw II definitely goes for glory with the icky scenes, spending much more time on the nasty predicament that each and every one of the people is suffering, as well as their just punishment. The last movie had gore, sure, but not on the same level as this. Saw II wants to make you squirm and feel uncomfortable. This is the beginning chapter of the torture porn that this series is renowned for.

saw needle pit3

They brought in some plotsies again at the end, but they just didn’t have the same bang that the original did – maybe because you expect it, follow the same formula, keep it going. Eric complained in the last movie that it was loud, not something I took particular note of, but this movie? So. Much. Noise. I won’t even pretend it didn’t bug the hell out of me.

saw ii shotgun

We got to learn more about Jigsaw in this one, but I agree with Chop – it still makes no fucking sense.

Anyway, I don’t have an awful lot to say about this one. I thought it was a decent watch, and a little more reveal about Jigsaw was great. Amanda returning and the end reveals tied this neatly back to Saw. The acting is better here, but again, most improvements here boil down to the bigger budget. Whannell staying on to write more here, and Wan producing meant that there is a certain continuity to it. Definitely not a bad sequel (it’s actually a pretty good one, considering how horror sequels can go), and holds itself well against its predecessor.

saw ii jigsaw

JB & The Chop Do: The Amityville Asylum (2013)

46

amityville banner

This is it!! This is the end!! I hate to speak for JB but I (we) hope you’ve enjoyed this run! These movies have been 99% shit but I’ve had a good time. I don’t think JB has but hopefully our relationship can withstand it. I want to thank you, JB, for enduring this with me – I know you might have hated some of these but THANK YOU! You are very dear to me! On a side note – I wasn’t able to find this movie anywhere so I couldn’t watch it. It was on Netflix streaming at one point but it’s gone now. The only thing I found was a 30 dollar copy on Amazon and fuck it if I was going to spend that much money on this wretched looking thing. I’ll have to get creative in my part here….

amityville asylum

SYNOPSIS: Lisa Templeton begins a new job as a cleaner at High Hopes Hospital, a mental institution in Amityville, Long Island. Initially delighted to get the job, Lisa soon realises that all is not as it seems. Intimidated by staff and the psychotic ramblings of the patients, she is further unnerved by apparent supernatural occurrences on the night shift. To preserve her sanity Lisa must uncover the mysterious history of the institution and it’s inmates. But the truth is far more terrifying than she could ever imagine. – via IMDB

AMITYVILLECHOP1

So the last time we did one of these where I didn’t get to watch the movie, I did a little piece based off of the IMDB reviews but I think this time I’ll go with what Google images have for me. First up it’s this:

amityass2

That looks like some horrible over acting by someone who was probably not paid very much to be in this thing. I’m starting to be proud of not buying that 30 dollar DVD. It wasn’t even a Blu-Ray – a DVD for fuck’s sake. Second from the search engine:

amityass3

Jesus Christ what are they going for here? This looks as bad as the last one. And that was the biggest pile of shit I have ever seen. “You. Sit there and act like you’re crazy. Thanks” I believe that as an actress named Eileen Daly and she is credited as “Sadie Krenwinkel”. Worst name ever. I do remember her though from this miserable movie I watched a while back called Sacred Flesh. It was terrible and you could read about it HERE if you wanted. HAHA That post is pretty funny.

amityass4

I don’t even know if pic 3 is from the movie, but I’m guessing it is based on the hole in her head and that stupid fucking movie poster. This movie looks like it absolutely sucks donkey balls.

Thanks Google for this:

amityass5

This next one isn’t from Asylum – it’s from Under the Skin! That’s a strange movie I talked about once which you could see HERE if you felt inclined. That’s a long, boring movie but we did get to see Johansson’s bazoongas so I guess it was worth it.

amityass6

You know what, fuck it. This is the last one we’re doing so let’s look back at some of the actual highlights from this series. My favorite part had to be in the one where the chick’s reflection made it with herself. Classic!

amityass7

Of course, the best movie of them all was the remake. Not only was it a GOOD movie but we also got to see some Melissa George on screen. She’s so fucking hot there’s steam coming out of my ears…

amityass8

Of course, I can’t do a recap without mentioning that I got to see Lois Lane’s boob in the original!

amityass9

Let’s just go ahead and finish this up with some more lingering around the remake. Great cast, great scares, great visuals and Rachel Nichols:

amityass10

JB, I know you didn’t like these movies but it is always a pleasure to work with you. If you ever want to do something else – you know my number!

X X X

The Chop

a2005c

amityville jb1

First off, I would like to start this all off as follows:

finally free

Now that we have established that, I suppose you want me to talk about the final chapter of this insane project we undertook? Well, alright then. For old times’ sake!

I am so over seeing the whole DeFeo family murder time and time again. It is brought up in just about every darn movie, and it is old. And tired. And silly. I wish they would move on. Anyway, again we weren’t in the house, but then we found out that some doctor had bought the land of 112 Ocean Avenue and turned it into a mental asylum, so there is that.

I am celebrating, though. No matter what type of movie this last one was going to be, finally being free meant that I was going to celebrate my freedom!

party party1

Lisa was such a bland character, truly. She was boring, and her interview? Could she have been any more unprofessional? Chipped black nail polish, hair that hasn’t seen a brush in God only knows how long, and then when she sneezed on him? What the hell was that all about. Obviously she gets the job (duh, we need a movie somehow) and she could not have been any more awkward and unprofessional when accepting the job. This man is not your friend, you cannot talk to him like that. Super shocked me hahaha.

Have I mentioned that I am so happy to be through all of this? So blissfully free?

Jimmy-Fallon-and-Elmo-Dancing

The progression of this movie was so absurd. Really. It took forever and six days to go anywhere, and even then didn’t really achieve anything. Seriously. That was just annoying. You cannot miss the fact that this is a budget film. I don’t mind budget films, they can even look like a budget film, but please just have something decent to bring to the table to make the whole ordeal worthwhile!

There is this one scene where you actually get an entire fucking cleaning lesson and walk through on how she is going to do her job :/ Super impressive – and no, it wasn’t fun.

cleaning

The dialogue is so freaking shitty, cringe-worthy and stupid, and the characters were ridiculous! All the interactions between people and everything is completely unbelievable. Meh. They even went for some Shutter Island twist that failed miserably.

celebration

There was also no talent to be found here. Instead all the movie went out of the way to do was make you awkward and uncomfortable by being crude, talking sex (more like rape and coercion) and horrible name calling. I mean the two night orderlies/doctors//security guys/freaks were nasty, then there are the cuckoo crazies downstairs, and they are also so great in terms of discussing their sexual organs and talking to Lisa.

fireworls

As bad as this movie was, it is still nothing when compared to The Amityville Haunting. Really. Nowhere near as that. I suppose it not being found footage helped a lot in that regard, but it did nothing to save this at the end of the day. I think more found footage would have been the last straw for me. You can still see that this is an itty bitty budget film and that comes through thick and strong all the time.

Delaney was one character that, though cheesy, didn’t grate on my absolute last nerve, so there was that. One of the better things about the movie, and even then flawed.

partying

Now, the only remotely cute guy that got thrown in for all of like… two minutes was Matthew Batte. And not even in the conventional role, either. He was really batshit crazy. The whole scene where he popped that prick doctor Pemberton just to get keys to kill and scarf the crazy next door was probably the only scene in the whole movie that had anything going for it. They really should have branched out more into the people in the ward, and if the “haunted land” which they were on was getting to them, too.

matthew batte amityville1

The logic was so embarrassing, too. For instance, the one guy gets popped, and Lisa is crying all over him while the shooter and his shotgun stand before her and a corpse. Never fear, though, because he’s pretty respectful. He gives her a few minutes to cry and say her goodbyes while the guy is dying, then when he is dead after a few minutes, only then does he decide to fumble for a fresh shotgun shell for a possible reload, and then waits for her to take off before moving on after her. What the hell?!

Anyway, whatever. All I know is that we made it to the end of this and I sincerely thank all of you that have stuck this series out with us, enjoyed the reviews that we loved writing (even though the viewing wasn’t always as entertaining). We have practically run Shitfest Fridays for around two months, and it has been an absolute blast having you all participate, comment, joke and mock along with us. You guys rock!

jimmy fallon salute