The Sporadic Chronicles

In what will surely become a hotly contested and polarizing debate, today we present the abysmal Amityville 3D (sometimes tagged with “The Demon”). I thought this movies was going OK until we got to the last act when I almost croaked out of unbelief. WHAT. THE. FUCK? Who thought that was OK?? ARGGGGGGGGH! My part contains spoilers if you feel like watching this….

SYNOPSIS: A reporter moves into the ominous Long Island house to debunk it of the recent supernatural events and becomes besieged by the evil manifestations which are connected to a hell-spawn demon lurking in the basement. – via IMDB

By now we all know how much Sweet, Tiny JB hated Amityville 2 but I still contend that it’s better than this turd. This thing starts off with a couple of dopes researching the murder house in question. While the copy I watched was NOT 3-D, the 3-D effects were absolutely HORRIBLE looking and I questioned the 80s for ever existing. Anyway – these two dopes debunk the house for being stupid and eliciting fear for money and then they shoo everyone out of the house by opening their overcoats and exposing their floppy dongs.  Then, the guy who looks like Will Farrell’s dad BUYS the house for dirt cheap and tells his old lady ” We bought the house, not the ghosts, Sugarlips.”

Soon, Meg Ryan and the chick from Full House come calling – playing the daughter to whatshisface and her bestie friend.  They’re cute and, according to fashion at the time, they wear their Guess? jeans up over their belly buttons and say things like “Rad!” and “This is fresh!” and “Bitchin’!”

After a typical series of scenes involving fucking flies and a giant hole in the ground that goes to hell that no one has ever sealed up, Ryan wonders what it would be like to have sex with a ghost and then they do some Ouija conjuring.

Eventually, the pervert flasher gets trapped in an elevator, there’s more flies and dripping blood and then, just when you think “I guess this is going OK, I wonder how I’ll review this,” the daughter drowns out in the lake and comes back to Earth as this:

“RAAAAAAAH RAAAAAAAAHHR RAAAAAAHHHHHHHRRRRRRRR!!” She says with light coming out of her mouth. “RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHR RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHR!!”

So she kills the one pervert guy and the other guy and his squeeze escape and the fucking house explodes to smithereens so there can be NO MORE SEQUELS. Because the house exploded in fiery 3-D flames they can’t possibly have an estate auction selling off the possessions of the family that lived in it prior, before it went to auction. Right? It EXPLODED.

Elsewhere, Margot Kidder shits herself in disgust after viewing this…..

I totally hated this movie and I totally hate this foreign poster for it:

Now, I know that this is one sorry little film for the Chop, but let me just tell you, after the fuck up that was Amityville II: The Possession, this was just amazing by comparison, yet still a pretty stupid film. Like I said, Shitfest Fridays for quite some time to come.

The story was weak and all over the show. That is undeniable. It’s a train wreck that just goes on and on and on, and even though you can totally see what it happening, it does nothing to allay the pain and suffering you are experiencing while watching. Dramatic, I know, but oh so damn true.

The acting was just… bad, but it is still better than what comes in the later ones (I swear, just as you think they can’t get worse… they just… oh man…). The music was ridiculous, and the story went from trundling along to rocketing into some crazy shit: people burning in cars, drowning, walking through the house, the whole toot. Because it can. Just go ahead and do what you want, it all makes perfect sense!

Apparently this was the start of the whole “evil leaves the house” thing, because guess what? An elevator tried to kill someone! AND NOT EVEN IN THE VICINITY OF THE HOUSE!!!!

I want to talk about the crazy shit that finally came to pass as the end because it was the biggest what the fuck moment for the movie. I mean this genuinely and sincerely because I have no fucking clue what the hell that was all about… we had flying fish, crazy Freddy vs Jason water hopping moments (though really not done well), a house that went crazy, people in mourning being all different, a house that would not free them, film cameras up the wazoo and people everywhere and people dying and some fish monster and fuck, I just laughed. And laughed some more. Because the movie was taking itself so seriously the whole time and then devolved into this as an ending? What the heck happened?!

I know that this was like… 3-D and all for it’s time, and the poster is right… we, the viewers, are the victims. It was a bit of a misison, but I made it… though you never think that finish line is in sight. So after all that ludicrous fish-flying stuff is going on and you have no idea if the end is in sight, just when you think you cannot take but even a second more, there is this crackpot crazy explosion. Whoosh. Big. BURN IT ALL TO THE GROUND.

Oh my goodness, we have like… another nine or ten to watch, right?! I swear, every time I check out Wikipedia, there is another entry. True story. I just checked now and guess what? Another two on the list!!!!! OH HAPPY DAYS!!!

PS: It was an absolute nightmare to find gifs for this, so I would like to thank Televandalist for the gifs!