Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and feel like something’s just wrong? Do you feel like someone is under the bed or hiding behind your morning robe that’s hanging on the wall next to your dresser?? Do you feel the cold stare of dead eyes wanting to defile your warm body under the sheets?? I rarely get solid sleep so I know these feelings and I know who’s causing them. I know he’s there, waiting, watching, wanting. Today I present to you, Good Readers: The Top Ten Things I Think Luke Abbott Does When He Gets Off Work:
10. PREYS ON THE WEAK AND THE ELDERLY
9. GIVES HIMSELF A GOLDEN SHOWER
8. USES PUBLIC ACCESS TV TO FURIOUSLY DEBATE THE RIGHTS OF GHOSTS AND SPECTERS
7. PLUCKS ALL OF THE PUBIC HAIRS OFF OF HIS SKIN AND SECRETLY MAILS THEM TO THE PRIME MINISTER OF ENGLAND
6. THROWS POTATOES AT THE IRISH.
5. PROWLS ANY PARTICULAR ENGLISH VILLAGE, STEALING WOMEN’S UNDERWEAR SO HE CAN WASH AND RETURN THEM.
4. WATCHES BILLY ZANE MOVIES.
3. PUTS A PICTURE OF TILDA SWINTON ON HIS MIRROR AND FANTASIZES THAT HE IS HER.
2. MAKES RANDOM TELEPHONE CALLS AND RECITES NURSERY RHYMES WHILE HE BEATS HIS MEAT.
1. DREAMS OF CUDDLING AND SPOONING THE IPC.