Review: New Moon – Stephenie Meyer

stephenie meyer new moon cover

Twilight #2

Bella Swan is being all moody and sour with her sparkling vampire boyfriend Edward Cullen on her birthday and is still miffed that he won’t turn her. His brother Jasper tries to eat her, and the Cullens move away. Nasty breakup ensues between Bella and Edward, she spirals into a deep depression like her family has been massacred, not like she has lost her boyfriend whom she has only been with for a few months. Months of obsession and depression after all that, eventually she starts hanging out with Jacob Black, an old friend. They get very close. He is in love with her, she cannot think further than Edward, but has no qualms crushing Jacob’s heart. Eventually Jacob goes on the fritz and she gets sour that he, too, would leave her. Turns out he is actually a werewolf (seriously). Huge misunderstanding at the end causes Edward to try out a suicide mission, and Bella runs with his sister Alice to stop it. Seems they just go back to normal, doesn’t matter about Jacob anymore, who is bitter because the Cullens are his tribe’s sworn enemy and he is in love with Bella, who loves his natural enemy, and he is a werewolf and has to protect his people from them.

GRADE 1Blah, blah, blah. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Moan, moan, moan. Me, me, me. Turn me, turn me, turn me. CRY CRY CRY. Breakup ensues. Depression. Mope, mope, mope. Edward, Edward, Edward. Longing. Suffering. Torture. Pain. CRY CRY CRY. Selfish up the wazoo. Bad writing. Descend on Jacob Black. Use him. Use him some more. Tug at his heart strings. Vampires, werewolves, panic. Edward, Edward, Edward. Mess Jacob around some more. CRY CRY CRY. Betrayal when Jacob has personal issues to deal with that don’t involve her. Sulk, sulk, sulk. More bad writing. Do some stupid stuff. More me, me, me. More moan, bitch, sulk, cry. Obsession, obsession, obsession. Depressed. Suicidal thoughts (because all these books seems to highlight is that losing a love is worth popping yourself over – especially after a few months). Bad writing. Romeo and Juliet references for Africa. CRY CRY CRY. Panic, panic, panic. Discard Jacob. Run to Edward. Edward, Edward, Edward. Obsession. Unhealthy. Unhealthy. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Fuck it. I will never get any part of my life back over this.

19 thoughts on “Review: New Moon – Stephenie Meyer

  1. Omg, this is the best book review ever! I loathe the writing in those books, but when I read them, I didn’t realise how unhealthy it really was. Disgusting. But hey, greaaaat review!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have to admit that a small part of me identified with this book since when my first boyfriend had to return to his home country when I was 16 I was so depressed I lay on the floor in my bedroom face down and cried for days. It sounds hilarious now but you know, when you’re 16. Although unlike Bella I did get over myself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL! Only you would find a way to make this “oh dear” moment something hilarious!

      Where was he from?

      We all do ridiculous shit at sixteen I guess…


  3. This book depressed the ever-living snot out of me. For serial, if I had a daughter that carried on like that after a break-up I would fucking COMMIT HER.

    This is the best review I’ve ever read for a Twilight book. (I’m going backwards – now on to the first one! This should be good.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. THANK YOU! Not mope about and ask if she is alright, GET HER A PROFESSIONAL. Seriously. Ugh. What a useless lost.

      I am so glad to hear this 🙂 Really, this was one of the most painful books I have ever read, truly.

      Liked by 1 person

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