Hello Sporadians!! The Chop here today reporting that I recently went and saw GONE GIRL and I really liked it but, I also have to report that I saw two too many dongs in that thing. I mean really!! So, as I am casually known as the Boobs and Blood guy, I was inspired to put together a Top Ten list of people’s dongs I never need to see again as long as I live.

10. The guy from THE PERFUME OF THE LADY IN BLACK.

Through a series of flashbacks we learn that this man wearing only an undershirt and NOTHING else has his way with this lady’s mother, and then turns his intentions to her as a young child. Nothing graphic is shown in the form of what happens to the youth but, as the man dismounts her mother, his sausage comes with him, Flopptiy Flop. Gross.

DONG10

9. Sylvester Stallone’s salami from THE ITALIAN STALLION.

MMM HMMMMM Yep. Rocky did a porn. How do I know this? I learned to read at a very young age and one day I was reading the paper, looking at the movie section and saw that a new Rocky movie had been released called THE ITALIAN STALLION (which is Rocky’s nickname). I guess, after ROCKY was so successful, they re-released it out to unsuspecting viewers like my mother who was ROCKY’s biggest fan. So, off we went and the thirteen year old ticket taker didn’t give a fuck what he was doing so there we were. We didn’t stay long. I see on IMDB it’s now called THE PARTY AT KITTY AND STUD’S. Nice.

DONG9

8. Terry O’Quinn’s wiener in THE STEPFATHER.

UM. Didn’t expect that! After he murders his family, he barbers his own hair, shaves his beard and exposes himself to the camera while getting in the shower. Thanks but no thanks, guy from Lost.

DONG8

7. Dr. Manhattan’s low hanging torpedo from WATCHMEN. (That link is NOT to WATCHMEN).

You’d think that when they head to Ozmandias’ HQ up at the top of the world that there would be some shrinkage there, but NOPE.  Dingle Dangle Dingle Dangle.

DONG7

6. Scrotey’s Lil Pee Pee

Zutsonians who don’t read my site probably won’t get this reference so you might skip over it. Scrotey is one of my oldest friends. One night, back when I was a single dude living in an apartment, he came over so we could go out and do something. When he arrived I was talking on a telephone with my manager at the time. I guess he got impatient since I wasn’t paying him any attention so he poured a glass of water from the sink tap and put his dong in it and showed it to me.  That was kind of an awkward pause in the conversation with my female manager.

DONG6

5. Luke Abbott ORACLE OF FILM.

I don’t believe there’s anything else that needs to be said on this topic.

DONG5

4. Neil Patrick Harris’ Willie from GONE GIRL.

REALLY???? A bloody weenus from NPH??? Also – why was he chosen to be the guy who bops that crazy bitch in the movie?? Him??? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

#NeilPatrickHarrisWeiner

DONG4

3. The guy with the moustache that’s been in every porn I’ve ever seen.

I’ve never seen a porn but this guy has been in almost every one I’ve ever seen, including Brian Johnson’s wedding video. For real, pop in a porn and he’ll be there. I think, I’ve never seen one.

DONG3

2. Marky Mark and his enormous hog leg from BOOGIE NIGHTS.

UM. Yeah.

DONG2

1. Bruce Willis’ Little Finger from COLOR OF NIGHT.

I mean, not only was this one of the worst movies I saw during the 90s. but I also had the unfortunate opportunity to view Willis swimming around naked, Dong, Taint and all. I mean REALLY??? What does he think he is, FRENCH???

DONG1

99 thoughts on “Top Ten Dongs I Never Need To See Again

  1. lukebbtt says:

    Damnit. I had my heart set on first place.

    Like

    1. theipc says:

      Well, considering I’ve never actually seen your dingaling, it wouldn’t have been right to put you first….

      #dontstartshowingmenow

      Like

      1. Zoë says:

        #afraid
        #soveryafraid

        Liked by 1 person

      2. theipc says:

        #imveryscaredofhisnextmovie

        #VERYSCARED

        Liked by 1 person

      3. lukebbtt says:

        On that note, don’t open the latest email I sent you…….

        Liked by 1 person

      4. theipc says:

        OH CHRIST…………..

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Zoë says:

      Nice pic there Luke!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I haven’t read the article yet (and I will don’t worry), and I may even find it funny, but I have to take a moment to be a girl.

    Now I like boobs. I really do. They’re pretty (mostly), perky (hopefully), and bouncy (woo!), and they’re everywhere. Films with no boobage at all are more and more rare. Bums too, butts all around, but that’s ok too, and there’s usually a good amount of man ass as well, which I’m sure is greatly appreciated by everyone who appreciates man ass.

    But dongs… people (and by people, I mean mostly men) seem to have trouble with dongs. It’s true, they aren’t as aesthetically pleasing to the eye as boobs and butts (cosmic joke?), but I really don’t see the big deal. If you’re fine with full female nudity, you should be fine with full male nudity. You don’t have to like it, or be all “man, look at that sexy dong!”, but don’t be all “ack, my eyes, my eyes!!” about it either. I’m a firm believer in equality, so that means either women have to cover up as much as the men in movies, or dudes have to suck it up and look at a few dongs. And the first option is not an option, so suck it up!! 😉

    Alright, done now. Time to read the article, hehe.

    Like

    1. Zoë says:

      “If you’re fine with full female nudity, you should be fine with full male nudity.” I agree with this. Fully. Mostly women have to suck it up and deal with seeing other nekkid ladies everywhere, but God forbid a guy flashes some ass or his dong, then the whole world starts panicking. LOL.

      Do let us know what you think of the article once you’ve read it 😉

      Like

      1. emmakwall says:

        Well said Zoe 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      2. theipc says:

        Dearest SBJB,

        What is this comment???? 🙂 “Panicking” 🙂

        Love,

        ISC

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Zoë says:

        Dearest ISSC,

        It’s true! I sit through all sorts of shit on TV and movies, but ONE dong makes an appearance, and any which one of the guys that is watching with me has a little melt down! Like “OMG, was that really necessary?!” and “Come on man, nobody wants to see that!” and “Why????” and “Ewwwwwwwww” and all sorts. Hahaha.

        Love,

        JJB

        Liked by 1 person

      4. theipc says:

        Fairest SJB,

        HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! “OHMYGODWHATTHEFUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” LOLOLOLOLOL

        #dongs

        Love,

        IC

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Zoë says:

        Dearest ISC,

        EXACTLY LIKE THAT!

        Pffffff.

        Love,

        JJB

        Liked by 1 person

      6. theipc says:

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

        You’re cracking me up this morning!!

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Zoë says:

        GOOOOOOOOOOD!

        It deserves some sunshine!

        Liked by 1 person

      8. theipc says:

        GO GO, BUFFALO!!!!!!

        Love,

        IPSC

        Liked by 1 person

    2. theipc says:

      It actually doesn’t really bother me if a dong pops up in a movie – I’ve just never really seen one that appealed to me and I NEVER want to see Willis’ again! 🙂

      Thanks for the comment!!

      Like

      1. Zoë says:

        LOL! You sound like Louis C.K. with that whole bit – never seen one that appealed to you.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. theipc says:

        JB,

        LOL!!! But –> it’s true. I’ve never been like “I sure would like to see that dong again”…..

        IPC

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Zoë says:

        Dearest IPSC,

        LOOOOOOOOL. Oh man, this is just funny!

        Love,

        JB

        Liked by 1 person

      4. theipc says:

        Warmest SBJB,

        This comment board is hilarious today!!

        #wrongturnsex

        Love,

        Non-Dong SC

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Zoë says:

        Dear NDSC,

        Are you crazy?! I am going to have perverts crawling this page!!

        Love,

        Scared SBJB

        Liked by 1 person

      6. theipc says:

        JBSB,

        You mean, aside from Luke???

        #wrongturnhillbillyseximages

        Love,

        NDSC

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Zoë says:

        NDSC,

        You are just adding fuel to the flame here!

        I wasn’t aware Luke read anything here… but now he will have spans of dodgy links to redirect him!

        Love,

        JB

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Alright, done reading. K, so a few of these are extra unaesthetically pleasing, but 2 or 3 of these men are quite attractive, and even for the ones who aren’t, there are a lot of not super attractive ladies who bare it all, so why not men?

    As a side note, do you have any idea how much money was spent to make sure Dr Manhatten’s junk swung right? We’re talking millions…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Zoë says:

      This comment… just beautiful! LOL! MILLIONS, I TELL YOU!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. theipc says:

        Money well spent!!!

        #maybequestionmark

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Zoë says:

        Considering it is on this list, I think the question marks are more suiting??

        Liked by 1 person

      3. theipc says:

        I wasn’t a big fan HAHAHAHAH!!!!!

        #dongs

        Liked by 1 person

  4. emmakwall says:

    The only complain I have about Marky Mark’s penis is that I don’t see it enough.

    *Shit! Did she just say that?!!!*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Zoë says:

      CHOP!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are getting those elusive comments now!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. theipc says:

        FILTHY GIRLS!!!!!!!!

        #naughty

        Liked by 1 person

      2. emmakwall says:

        CHOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! right back!

        Am I doing it right? 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Zoë says:

        As long as Eric is Chop, then yes 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      4. emmakwall says:

        I’m learning all the time 🙂

        So Eric is chop, what about Zoe? 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      5. Zoë says:

        I strive to be educational at the best of times 😛

        I am JB 🙂

        Ask him to give you a more complete backing (please PSC, I am on the way out of the office). If he doesn’t, I’ll give you a more complete bit in a while!

        Liked by 2 people

      6. emmakwall says:

        Of course you are. If I had used my pea brain for a second I would have remembered the Oracle of Film cameo!! 🙂

        Hello JBBBBBBBBBBBBBB! (I’m saying the B really elongated, not B lots of times 🙂 )

        Thanks, I look forward to this complete backing you speak of!

        🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      7. theipc says:

        Let me know if you need any more info based on my last reply – : )

        #jailbait

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Zoë says:

        🙂 Teehee, not to worry!

        I see that the Chop has enlightened you 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      9. theipc says:

        I’m on it!

        Liked by 1 person

      10. theipc says:

        Zoe is JB

        #JailBait

        Do you use that term over yonder??

        Liked by 1 person

      11. emmakwall says:

        I’m aware of what it means! HAHA 🙂

        I’m guessing you thought of that?

        So what’s the Chop in aid of? (the name, not a procedure)

        🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      12. theipc says:

        LOL!! YEP!!!

        I guess “Chop” is a South African term for an idiot LOL

        A long time ago I made a comment on something and she replied with something like “Don’t be a Chop” and it stuck 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      13. emmakwall says:

        Ha ha, I love it! It’s very affectionate, JB and Chop 🙂

        Chop rolls of the tongue very nicely, it sounds sweet! Like a cute little dog name 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      14. theipc says:

        That’s me! A sweet little puppy!!

        #boobs

        Liked by 1 person

      15. emmakwall says:

        I never had any doubt !

        #boobs

        Liked by 1 person

      16. theipc says:

        A sweet, adorable, little puppy with floppy ears – who writes posts about dongs.

        #dongs

        Liked by 1 person

      17. emmakwall says:

        And was it a comment like this that brought on the nickname Chop?

        🙂 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      18. theipc says:

        LOL – PROBABLY!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      19. emmakwall says:

        Hee hee 🙂

        Even though I’m still getting to know you and Zoe, I could so imagine it being similar to that! And Zoe being like ‘you’re such a chop….’ 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      20. theipc says:

        I’m sure that’s how it went!!

        Liked by 1 person

    2. theipc says:

      FILTH and SMUT!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. theipc says:

        I can’t lie to you. Yes. Yes I do.

        #smut

        Liked by 1 person

    3. Actually, we didn’t see Marky’s peen at all, it was a prosthetic. Sorry to burst your bubble :-p

      Liked by 1 person

      1. theipc says:

        I can sleep easy now!

        Like

      2. emmakwall says:

        Yeah I know it was 🙂 I’m just crude and it was too good not to say! (for me anyway lol)

        Liked by 2 people

  5. Sorry, it was Randy West who was the best man at my wedding, not Joey Silvera. Honest mistake.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. theipc says:

      I don’t know what’s more impressive – the fact that you knew his name or…. well – that’s just pretty impressive….

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I knew he was in my favorite porno, “Load Warrior 2: The Second Coming” so I just looked him up from there. Randy West is also in it.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. theipc says:

        Classy! Just like me!

        Like

  6. Zoë says:

    Dearest and Most Beloved SSC,

    Thank you for this insane post, I must say it gave me some laughs. Also, I really love all these trippy names you gave my people 😉 “Sporadians”, “Zutsonians”. Priceless, I tell you.

    Sorry about your Italian Stallion incident, by the way. Sounds scarring.

    On the other hand, I dread to see the search terms that will bring the “wrongturnsex” people to my site now o.O

    Love,

    JB

    Liked by 1 person

    1. theipc says:

      Beloved SBJB,

      I tried to tag this up real nice – to share the wealth, you know!

      Love,

      ISSC

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Zoë says:

        Most Thoughtful ISC,

        I saw, when I added my tag, that is.

        Love,

        IJB

        Liked by 1 person

      2. theipc says:

        ISB,

        LOL – I just saw that!!!!

        Love,

        ISC

        P.S. It is Its design.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Zoë says:

        PSC,

        😛 Thought you would at some stage!

        Love,

        JJB

        PS: ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      4. theipc says:

        SBJB,

        WHOOP!!!!!

        Love,

        IC

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I need some of what you guys are on…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. theipc says:

      Today’s post came sprinkled with mushroom dust….

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Natasha says:

    Pappy!
    Greatest post. I was pretty young when I watched Watchmen in the cinema and was laughing because the blue man was showing his wee-wee to the world! #awkies
    The Kidney

    Liked by 1 person

    1. theipc says:

      Kidney!!!

      HAHAHAHAHAHA That’s hilarious!!

      #bigbluedong

      Pappy!

      Like

    2. Zoë says:

      Chemistry Kidney of Poland,

      Awkies for sure!

      Bestie Bug

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Laura says:

    Your mum accidentally took you to see a porn? Did I read that right?!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. theipc says:

      Yes… it was the 70s and we thought it was Rocky…. it’s not like it was called “Suck the Plumbers Cock” or something….

      Like

      1. Laura says:

        That is priceless!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. theipc says:

        LOL Right?????

        Like

      3. theipc says:

        It was innocent enough!!

        Like

    2. Zoë says:

      Wasn’t that just beautiful?!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. kloipy says:

    The worst dong on film was Tom Hardy’s tiny knob in ‘Bronson’

    Liked by 2 people

    1. theipc says:

      I’ve never seen it and now you’ve ruined me for life!

      Like

      1. kloipy says:

        you see it multiple times and it looks like silly putty

        Like

  11. caragale says:

    LOLOLOL. Brilliant, Eric. I thought The Stepfather might be on here! Frankly, I thought it’d be a little higher on the list…

    #dingDONGdingDONGdingDONG

    #pooreric

    #thescarswillneverheal

    Liked by 2 people

    1. theipc says:

      I fondly remember our talk about The Stepfather!!!!

      #sausages

      #thingsthatcantbeunseen

      Liked by 1 person

  12. OMG too funny! The fact that you sat and wrote this post is hilarious. You saw Luke’s oh shit! Will you be releasing that footage or better yet were you able to sell it?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. theipc says:

      HAHAHA!!!!!

      I sold it on the black market for 50 USD

      Like

      1. You coulda been a millionaire! or a hundred-aire!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. theipc says:

        I tried – there wasn’t a lot of demand…

        Like

      3. U had to keep bringing the price down. lol

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Zoë says:

      Excuse me… am I reading this correctly that you are trying to pimp out footage of Luke’s… family jewels for cash? (To Melissa – yet I like your style)

      Then, to my dearest Chop – $50 US?! That’s it? I mean I get that there is no demand and all that, but surely there’s a little more money in the industry?!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. theipc says:

        Yes – you read that correctly….. unfortunately, no one was willing to pay Premium for those photos….

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Zoë says:

        … has anyone broken the news to Luke yet?

        #underpaid

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Tom says:

    This might be the best thing I’ve read today.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. theipc says:

      FUCK YEAH BABY!!!

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Zoë says:

      Wouldn’t surprise me!

      Liked by 2 people

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