So the Top Ten lists have been in full swing, and there have been solid lists that I have been receiving. However, the most bizarre request that I received was from Luke over at Oracle of Film, seeking permission to do something a little different. I was all for the creative juices, though when he told me what his premise and idea was, I was like there is no ways you are going to cough up ten films where Tom Hanks takes a leak as a part of the plot! Well, trust me, I was proven wrong in the most hilarious fashion possible. Luke, I take my hat off to you for your dedication! If you haven’t stopped by to see what Luke has to say about all sorts of things film related, games related, music related and what not, I would say that should be your next interwebs stop!
Should you be interested in submitting a Top Ten list, draw up a list of either your top ten personal favourite movies or a top ten list by a specific genre/theme and send it along to me at email@example.com. Hope to see a few more lists!
When Zoë asked me to write up a Top Ten list for her blog, I was stuck choosing a particular theme to go for. For one, I hate trying to narrow my favourite movies of a genre into a top ten, because I always panic and forget the most important one. Also, I really wanted to do something outside the box and memorable. Then suddenly, it hit me. The answer was in front of me the whole time. Tom Hanks’ penis.
You see, people, Tom Hanks penis comes up a lot in cinema. If you look through Tom Hanks’s entire filmography, you will notice that having a slash is actually a long-running theme in several of his movies. I noticed a couple and laughed it off as a wacky coincidence. However, to research this list, I realised that this was more of a coincidence. Tom Hanks is obsessed with urinating in front of packed cinemas. Please join me, readers, as we descend into the murky depths of Tom Hanks and his love for bodily fluids.
10 – A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN
This is the movie that started off this random, wacky trend. In perhaps the best scene in the entire movie, Tom Hanks bursts into the girls’ changing rooms and has the manliest pee in cinematic history. He just leans back and lets it flow, throwing in what can only be described as a noise, scarily similar to an orgasm.
9 – THE TERMINAL
Another great comedy scene in a Tom Hanks movie is the Terminal. Tom Hanks is waiting for a really important phone call and he cannot afford to be away from the payphone for a second. Of course, in a move that almost everyone ever can relate to, he suddenly needs to pee. The next scene consists of his own bladder becoming his nemesis, when all he wants to do is get back home to his country.
8 – THE BURBS/ ROAD TO PERDITION
In fairness, Tom Hanks doesn’t urinate in every movie he stars in. Sometimes, he just pretends to, in order to get out of trouble. In the Burbs, when Tom Hanks suspects his neighbours of being up to something, he claims he needs to use their bathroom, in order to get some time to snoop around their house. This idea of urinating once again forwards the plot. And in ‘The Road to Perdition’, Tom Hanks realises he is about to be assassinated by a hitman, so he excuses himself to go to the bathroom. This saves his life, giving him time to escape. Urinating once again saves the day.
7 – THE MONEY PIT
This is an early film of Tom Hanks that you might not know. Here, peeing is actually Tom Hanks’ character arc. He starts the movie moving into this new house with his wife and the plumbing does not work. He goes out into the garden and pees. Next to him, the water fountain (a child peeing, because art is for paedophiles), is struggling to keep up a constant stream. Tom Hanks mocks this statue, proudly displaying his manly ability to pee. This scene symbolises Tom Hanks at the height of his power in the movie. However, slowly the house disrupts is marriage and life, until it basically defeats him. His pride at peeing became the enemy and punished him.
6 – FORREST GUMP
This pee joke doesn’t mean anything, but it is another example that Tom Hanks refuses to be in a movie that doesn’t involve peeing in some way. The scene in question sees Forrest Gump meeting JFK. JFK shakes his hand and Forrest bluntly announces he needs to pee. JFK laughs and repeats the line. The reason I have included this in the list is because I find it endlessly funny that cinema finally got the technology to make a dead person say something original and they used it on the line: “He needs to pee.” That is so… Forrest Gump.
5 – CASTAWAY
Tom Hanks is the only person in the world, he would take a script about a man trapped on a desert island, kept away from any form of society or civilisation, appreciate the powerhouse script and the potential OSCAR nominations contained within, but then give it back, asking “Where does he pee?” Yes, Tom Hanks actually tried to work in urinating, so he could get an excuse to pee on film once more. Cue shot of him running frantically to the edge of a beach and then once again, letting it rip. I wouldn’t be surprised if that orgasm crept up once more. There is no stopping the bloke.
4 – APOLLO 13
Again, Tom Hanks takes a great story and finds himself unable to not think about peeing. Therefore, we get a long scene of exposition, telling the audience exactly how someone pees in space. Admittedly, this time it is quite interesting and I am sure several astronauts will appreciate what is surely an inside joke being shared with everyone else. Finally, their penis struggles are captured on film.
3 – SAVING PRIVATE RYAN
Every war movie as the bitter monologue of the shell-shocked soldiers. Every war hero needs his origin story, for example. Spielberg had to include a scene where the soldiers gather around and share their stories. Everyone talks about how much they miss home and then Tom Hanks dreamily reminiscences about a bully at school who pissed the letter V (let’s assume he is talking about Verbal Spew), into everyone’s jacket. Seriously?! Your war story involves urinating again. This is one of the clearest moments that Tom Hanks is obsessed.
2 – THE GREEN MILE
Yes, of course, this was going to make the top end of the list. The entire movie is about pissing, at least symbolically. Tom Hanks’ character cannot urinate without causing himself pain. Then a dangerous, yet gentle criminal is admitted in death row. He heals Tom Hanks, allowing him to pee freely (by this point, in the article, we understand that Tom Hanks sees this gift in the same light we see a lottery win). Tom Hanks is torn for the rest of the movie. And thus the movie will always be remembered as the film where Michael Clarke Duncan saved Tom Hanks’s penis.
1 – CAPTAIN PHILLIPS
But the winner as to be Captain Phillips. Why? Well, mainly, because when I heard about this Tom Hanks’ obsession with pee, I laughed it off. I remembered Green Mile and Castaway, plus a few throwaway jokes in Forrest Gump, but I assume it was just a weird coincidence. Then I saw Captain Phillips in 2013 and saw him try to escape his terrorist captors by faking the need to urinate. I am not sure of the symbolism here yet. Maybe at this point in his career, Tom Hanks has realised his dream ambition of making urination a public topic is hopeless. Just like trying to escape his captors in the movie. Urination symbolises many things in Tom Hanks’s life, depending on where he is in his life. Tom Hanks’ movies and pee scenes have turned into a portfolio of his life, proving that urine can be art. And on that point, I think it is best to leave this list there.